by Gina Ciocca
I consider it. But in that same second, I spot Ben over Jadie’s shoulder. He eyes the photo, and the Charlotte Brontë quote beneath it: The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed. The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, whose charms were broken if revealed.
His eyes find mine again, and I tell Jadie to leave the picture where it is. And then we let ourselves be carried off by the current of bodies making their way insto the gym.
* * *
Meredith and her crew did a fantastic job with the decorations. I take in the spectacular sight of metallic teal-and-silver streamers twisting and curling from every corner of the room, meeting at the giant disco ball in the center. White Christmas lights twinkle everywhere, and silver and teal balloons float around the room like ghosts.
Noah bats one away as we grab a seat in the bleachers. “Are you sure you’re okay being here?” I ask. “You seem a little out of it.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to be here.” But the way he pulls at his collar again makes it hard to believe. “I can’t stop thinking about last night. I wouldn’t blame you for hating me, Mace.”
“Well, I don’t, okay? It’s like I told Joel: Everybody makes mistakes. Let’s deal with it and move on.”
Still, my eyes dart into the crowd, scanning for Meredith. I hope the mention of Joel prevents him from noticing.
“You talked to Joel again?”
I nod. “I can’t make any promises, but I think he’s coming around. He cares a lot about you.”
“He also cares way too much about what other people think. I mean, I get it. I do. I’m bi, and I feel like that’s even harder for people to wrap their heads around. I hid for a while too, because I knew coming out meant facing people who have to make everything a shit show. But Joel is so convinced that his dad is one of them, and he hasn’t even tried to talk to him yet. He spends so much time reading into every little thing his father says, of course he’s going to psych himself out. I just— Would someone really waste all that effort to reverse-psychology their kid into staying in the closet?”
I twist the skirt of my dress around my finger, recalling the way Mr. Hargrove told me that my troubles with algebra were only a matter of “making the wires connect.”
“Obviously I can’t say for sure. But Joel’s dad does have a tendency to make you feel like there’s only one right way to do things.”
No sooner have I finished the thought than Renata and Criselle walk by with their fingers intertwined, mercifully oblivious to the two boys snickering behind their hands in their wake. Realization comes over Noah’s face like the dawn. He drags a hand across his forehead like he’s angry at himself for even asking the question.
“He’s right, isn’t he? My parents didn’t freak out, but that doesn’t mean I know what his are thinking. And then on top of it, I came here and messed with his head even more.” He drops his face into his hands. “Why am I such a dick, Mace?”
I curl my hand into the crook of his arm. “Hey. Quit talking about my friend that way.” I pull gently. “Let’s go take a walk.”
Noah shifts in his seat, but before he can get up, his eyes fall on something near the main doors. I follow his stare right over to Meredith and Ben.
“I need to talk to her,” he says. He stands, despite my best efforts to keep him on the bleacher.
“Don’t. Please? What good will it do to confess now?”
“I’ll leave you out of it. Don’t worry.”
I get to my feet, a good three inches taller than usual, thanks to my shoes. “It’s not that. We both ruined homecoming for her last year. Can we at least pick a different night?”
“What is this ‘we’ crap, Macy? We’ve been over this, and it’s my fault, not yours. Besides, what difference does it make if the damage is already done?” He hazards another glance over his shoulder. “I’m going. After the way Collins looked at you when he walked in, I think he’ll be grateful if I keep her busy for a few minutes anyway.”
He takes off in the direction of one set of doors, and I take the opportunity to slip out through another. The bulletin board has been pulling me like a magnet since I arrived, and I seize the chance to take another look, to really study the stories laid out by Jadie and Renata and Criselle.
But when my gaze falls on a picture of Joel and his dad standing behind a podium on a makeshift stage in the middle of the football field, I have to wonder: what about the stories these pictures have left untold?
“I got us in trouble again,” a voice says behind me, making me jump. I turn to see Ben coming toward me, his hands in the pockets of his tan suit pants.
“Ben. What are you talking about?”
He nods to the bulletin board. “That picture. Why are you acting like you don’t know how it got there?”
The question miffs me. “Because I don’t. It wasn’t part of the project, and that’s the last picture I would put on display knowing that Meredith would see it.”
Ben’s eyes narrow in equal parts confusion and annoyance. “Macy, I slipped that picture into your locker the day of the homecoming game. To—answer your question. About what didn’t happen that night.” He looks from me to the board. “How could it get from there to here without you knowing?”
An image of a pile of photographs landing with a smack at my feet flashes through my mind, and suddenly at least one thing makes sense.
“I already had all the other pictures in my locker. Everything fell out when I opened the door, and I was in a rush, so I stuffed them into a bag without really looking. Then I had to leave before the board was finished. But”—I turn to the image of me kissing his smiling face—“how does that answer my question?”
So tell me, Ben. What didn’t happen that night?
He shakes his head. “The answer’s not in the picture. It’s on it. I wrote something on the back.” He gives a short laugh. “Something you managed not to see.”
“I’m sorry, Ben. I didn’t—” My head swivels from him to the photo. “What did it say?”
“It’s stupid.”
And suddenly I’m seeing his face, not the way it looks right now but a year ago when we had a conversation almost exactly like this one. Right after Joel asked me to homecoming.
Ben? What’s wrong?
Nothing. It’s pointless.
Only, this time I know better than to believe him.
I spot a hall monitor’s desk beneath the trophy case on the opposite side of the entryway, and stride toward it.
“Macy, don’t.” Ben tries to block me, but I swerve around him, dragging the metal legs across the linoleum and up against the cinder blocks beneath the bulletin board. When I throw my clutch down and try to step up onto the desk’s attached seat, his arms circle my waist and he sets me back on the floor. “Look, the way this has all turned out, it’s pretty much a sign that I should never open my mouth. So leave it alone, okay? Tonight’s not the time or the place.”
It’s basically what I said to Noah a few minutes ago. Only, Noah didn’t heed my wishes. But Ben’s looking at me pleadingly, and when his eyes flick down to the locket around my neck, I can’t bring myself to follow in Noah’s defiant footsteps.
At least not in front of Ben.
“Wait until after the dance,” he says. “Can you do that?”
“I think I can handle that.”
“Thank you. Can we go back inside now?”
“Actually, I’m waiting for Noah. We’re going for a walk. If you see him, tell him to meet me outside?” I scoop up my bag and half turn toward the door.
Ben’s shoulders relax, and he nods. “Yeah. I should get back to Meredith anyway.”
He tries to be subtle about checking over his shoulder as he walks away. I wait until the door to the gym slams shut behind him, and then I waste no time kicking off my shoes and scrambling back onto the desk. I chip my nail polish freeing the picture of its staples, but I don’t care. As it comes loose, my clutch vibrates against the
surface of the desk. I bend down and pull my phone out to see that Joel has finally responded to the question I texted after he left my bedroom.
I’d asked, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THE LOCKET BELONGED TO A KID?
When I see what he’s written, my heart stops.
BECAUSE IT HAD A PICTURE OF THE SUPERMAN SYMBOL INSIDE.
I steady myself against the wall, holding my phone against the same spot where Ben once drew an S inside the center of a heart. With my other hand, I pull free the photo of Ben and me and turn it over. There, in Ben’s skinny handwriting, is one simple sentence:
I should have kissed you the first time I had the chance.
Thirty-Five
SENIOR YEAR
I slump onto the desk’s surface, my feet on the attached chair. I must read the words thirty times. Deep down I knew that this was what he meant. But seeing it for myself makes something shatter inside me, some part of my heart that I didn’t realize I was keeping under lock and key.
I bring the picture to my lips and close my eyes, letting myself imagine what it would’ve been like if Ben had kissed me the first time he had the chance. But when I edit out the moment when Meredith walked in and replace it with Ben’s lips meeting mine, it happens again—I’m reliving that kiss. The one that’s been haunting me since the night of the blackout.
And when I open my eyes, the reason why is staring me in the face.
Sitting on the desk, I’m at eye level with the photo that Meredith took of Jadie and me on the football field before the power went out. Our arms are around each other, our faces touching. And there in the background, in the far-left corner of the frame, someone stands leaning against the chain-link fence. Not on the outside of the track with the rest of the spectators, but within the confines of the field, like someone who has an in. Someone with a mop of dirty-blond hair and red Converse sneakers. Someone who should’ve been at work that night.
My eyes fall to the picture in my hand, and I read the words scrawled on the back one more time.
I should have kissed you the first time I had the chance.
The first time.
I’m pretty sure I know what happened the second time.
One of the gym doors bursts open, nearly startling me off the desk. To my surprise, Meredith is standing before me in her glorious one-shouldered red dress.
She spots the picture in my hand. “Don’t take that down because of me. I’m sorry I flipped out on you.” She lets the door close behind her. “Jadie told me you never got to work on the bulletin board.”
I told her that too. If I could concentrate on anything other than the knowledge that Ben was on the field the night of the blackout, I’d be offended that she had to hear it elsewhere before she believed me.
“I understand why you were upset,” I say. I understand it better than ever. But I don’t have the heart to tell her that.
“It wasn’t about the picture, Macy. I mean it was, but it’s more about what the picture stood for. Which is me being an idiot.” My mouth opens in protest, but Meredith cuts me off. “No, hear me out. I’m not saying that anything happened between you and Ben last year, but whether you acknowledged it or not, something changed between the two of you a long time ago. I saw it happening, and I tried to ignore it.” She hugs herself, the same way she did when she found Ben and me dancing outside. “But ignoring things doesn’t make them any less true. And . . . based on the conversation I just had with Noah, and the fact that you’re not here with Joel, I’d say that’s a lesson we both learned firsthand recently. Right?” My head moves up and down, but words are failing me. “So,” she says quietly. “Just know that if you’re ready to stop ignoring it, I’m not going to stand in your way.”
The sound of paper crinkling makes me realize how hard I’m squeezing the picture. “Meredith, I don’t want to lose you as a friend again. No matter what.”
“I’m not much of a friend if people I care about are unhappy because they’re trying to protect me from losing something that was never really mine.”
“And I’m not much of a friend if I don’t tell you that the float burning down was all my fault.”
“Macy,” she says with a sharpness that surprises me. “Did you set the fire?”
“No, but—”
She cuts me off, slicing the air with her hand. “Then it wasn’t your fault. And yeah, maybe not so long ago I would’ve had a very different reaction to all of this. But I was also a lot dumber then.”
I want to leap off the desk and hug her. But before I can do anything, the door next to her bursts open, bringing with it a blast of music and a bewildered-looking Jadie.
“There you are!” she says to Meredith. “Fielding is asking me all these random questions about the homecoming court’s first dance like he thinks I share brain cells with you and Tyrell or something. So go talk to him, because all I know is that you’d better keep your hands where I can see them when you dance with my boyfriend.” Her eyes dart over to me, and her face brightens. “Did you see that picture of us? Isn’t it cute?”
Her heels click against the linoleum as she walks over to the bulletin board. Behind her, Meredith blows me a kiss and says, “We’ll talk more later, okay?”
Jadie throws a confused look over her shoulder. “What just happened here?”
I point to the picture of her and me. “This cute picture of us? Look who else is in it.”
She cranes her neck until her face is within half an inch of the wall. “Wait. Is that Ben?” She turns to me. “Ben was there that night?” I offer her the photo in my still-shaking hand and watch shock burst over her face as she flips it from one side to the other. “Oh my God.” The pitch of her voice drops to demonic. “Ben was there that night.”
“Mm-hm. And this”—I point to my necklace—“isn’t really from Joel. He found it on the field after the blackout.” Jadie’s jaw is practically touching her chest as I motion to the spot where Meredith was standing. “And Meredith basically gave me her blessing to go after Ben, and all I want right now is to get in there and find him, but—” There are too many “buts” to even finish that sentence. I slump against the wall. “I’m a mess, Jadie.”
“Scoot over.” She bumps her body against me until I’m sitting in the chair, and she takes my place perched on the desk, wrapping an arm around me. “So this is kind of like the first birthday party I had when we moved to Ridgedale, and Meredith bought me a huge tin of gummy bears because she didn’t know yet what a chocoholic I am. I acted like I was all excited when I opened them, because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. But then months later, she came to my house and saw that the tin was still full, so I had to admit that I’d rather set my hair on fire than eat a pound of rubbery, chemical-flavored bears. Only, you know, not that blunt.”
I don’t bother to hide the WTF expression on my face. “I don’t see the connection.”
“My point is that I didn’t tell her the truth because I was afraid she’d be upset. But in the end, it bothered her more that she hadn’t given me something that made me happy. So if she gave you the go-ahead with Ben, it probably means two things: One, your happiness really is important to her. And two, she’s Meredith Kopala. She’s hot, she’s smart, and hell, she’s the freaking homecoming queen. She’s finally figured out that she doesn’t want to be someone’s gummy bear if she can be someone else’s Twix bar.”
I crack up laughing. “Wow,” I say as I’m trying to catch my breath. “That was profound. I think you should write your own book of fables.”
“Confucius has nothing on me.”
We both dissolve into giggles, and then Jadie points at the picture I’m still holding. “What are you going to do with that?”
“Um, I didn’t think that far ahead.”
Jadie hops down from the desk. She gives me an assessing once-over, before her eyes fall into my cleavage. Not that there’s much of it, because my dress’s neckline is straight across, but before I can ask what she’s thinking, she’s plucke
d the picture from my fingers and slipped it—and her hand—beneath my dress, somewhere between my boob and my armpit.
“I was thinking more along the lines of my purse as a short-term solution,” I say, adjusting myself when she finally steps away.
“Eh, what’s a little groping between friends? Next time find an easier way to keep Ben close to your heart.” She flashes a knowing smirk and taps the rounded surface of my locket. “Like maybe here.” I wrap one hand around the pendant, and Jadie grabs the other. “Come on,” she says. “Let’s go find your prince.”
“God, poor Noah probably thinks I bailed on him.”
Jadie slaps her forehead. “Not that prince.”
But he’s the one I need to find first. And when I do, he says, “Go. Finish what you started.” Like I’d be crazy to not finally face this thing that Ben and I have been dancing around for longer than either of us were even aware.
I pull Noah into a fierce hug, promising him that I’ll be back. He kisses my cheek, and there’s no doubt in my mind that he understands. He came here with me tonight knowing that his heart belonged to someone else.
And maybe he knew before I did that I’d done the same thing.
Thirty-Six
SENIOR YEAR
I weave through the crowd amid the sound of thumping bass, bobbing balloons, thrusting hips, and flailing hands. Meredith stands in one corner talking animatedly to Tyrell and Jadie. But I don’t see Ben anywhere. It’s like he vanished into thin air, and it feels too much like the disappearing act he pulled the night of the blackout.
But as I’m about to turn around and scan the floor again, a hand grabs my wrist. I turn to find myself looking into Meredith’s eyes.
“He went out to the car,” she says. “To get my backup balloons.” She nods toward the door. “It’s okay if you want to follow him.” And even though verbal diarrhea is usually my MO in times of uncertainty, I can’t seem to do anything except stare alternately at her face and the spot where she’s touching me. She responds with the most affectionate eye roll I’ve ever seen. “Let me rephrase that. He’s parked near the gate to the football field. Now get your ass outside.”