by Nina Lane
“Of what?”
“You’ve gone soft.”
“Isn’t that what your girlfriend said?”
“Ha ha.” He frowned and stabbed his finger toward her. “When you told me you were staying in Rainsville for all this time, I thought you might lose your edge. Turns out I was right.”
“Oh, please. People can change.” She had changed. In ways she’d never have imagined.
“Fine, but the Hannah I used to know would never turn this down, for Lock Heart if nothing else.” Dave hefted his duffel onto his shoulder and headed for the door. “You know how to reach me if you change your mind.”
She wouldn’t. She watched him go, ignoring the pang of sorrow over not knowing when she would see him again. Exactly what Polly and her mother must have felt every time she left Rainsville.
Well, Polly wouldn’t have to feel that anymore. No one would.
She packed up a second box of Declairs and drove to the hospital to leave the pastries for the nurses. Then she headed to Indigo Bay with the Declairs and pulled up in front of 1500 Turtle Drive. Only Evan’s SUV and another car were parked at the front of the house. An older woman in a cartoon-patterned nurse’s uniform opened the door at Hannah’s knock.
“Is it all right to see him?” Hannah asked.
“Yes, he’s out on the deck,” the woman replied. “Would you like some coffee or tea?”
Hannah thanked her and declined. Her nerves tensed as she walked through the quiet house, remembering the evening she and Evan had come in after the storm and warmed up in such a hot, delicious way.
She opened the door to the deck. A rush of cool sea air brushed against her face. Evan sat on one of the wooden chairs, bundled in a jacket with his hands shoved deep into his pockets. On the table beside him were a whittling knife and a stick of wood shaved clean of bark.
He turned at the sound of the door closing. His tense expression cleared.
“Hey, Lockhart.” His voice was weakened, but still contained that same deep rumble that curled Hannah’s toes delightfully.
“Hey, Heartbreaker.”
He was thinner, pale, his jaw unshaven and his hair messy, but his eyes were as blue as ever. She paused to rest her hand on the back of his neck. Her breath hitched at the feel of his cold skin—he was so warm and strong that she’d never felt coldness radiating from him before.
She pressed a kiss to the top of his head, inhaling his familiar scent of cedar and sage. She set the box of Declairs on the table. “I’m not sure if you’re allowed to eat these yet, but I figured I’d bring them anyway.”
“Thanks.” He didn’t reach for one, turning his gaze back to the ocean.
Hannah sat beside him. Faint awkwardness crackled in the air. Now that they were finally alone, she wasn’t quite sure what to say.
“So how do you feel?” she finally asked, then winced. “Not that you don’t get asked that question multiple times a day.”
He smiled faintly. “Coming from you, I don’t mind it so much. I’m good. Well, I will be. Hard to do a lot right now.”
“How much pain are you in?”
“Depends on the time of day, how I’m sitting.” He gestured to his sternum. “It’s all here. Meds help, but I don’t like taking them too much.”
She rested her hand on his arm. Knowing him as she did, she suspected the physical recovery would be almost easy compared to the complexity of his emotions. The reminder of his mortality had always been the scar on his chest, which would now be starker than ever. And with his five big, healthy brothers never far from him…
“How’s the book proposal going?” Evan asked.
“I missed the deadline.” She tucked her hands into the pockets of her running jacket and followed his gaze to the horizon line where the ocean met the sky.
“You missed it? Why?”
“I couldn’t think of anything beyond love traditions to incorporate into a book, so…” She shrugged. “Something else will come along.”
“Hannah.” Frustration edged his voice. “You can’t lose this chance.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter,” he argued. “Do you know how many people would kill for a chance like this? Don’t throw it away. You’ll find an idea, either here or somewhere else.”
“But the deadline has passed.”
“So ask for more time.” Evan turned to face her, his eyes glinting. “Tell the editor where you’re going next, so she’ll know you have plans. That you’re not just sitting here stagnating.”
“But I… I’m not going anywhere,” Hannah said. “I’m still working at the bakery.”
“You know as well as I do, and as Polly does, that you don’t need to stay at Wild Child. Polly always knew that. She was just hoping you would want to stay.”
“I do want to stay.”
His mouth twisted, but his eyes softened as he looked at her. “No, you don’t.”
Irritation scraped Hannah’s insides.
“Don’t tell me what I do or don’t want,” she said. “I’ve gotten used to Rainsville and the bakery.”
“Getting used to something is not the same as loving it.”
“I love it then,” she retorted peevishly.
“What about Lock Heart?”
“Like I said…” Hannah tried to give a nonchalant shrug. “Something else will come along.”
He was silent. She stroked her gaze over the line of his strong jaw, the way his hair curled over his ear, the column of his throat. Her mind flashed with all the things she’d experienced in the short time they’d been together—the pleasure of his perfect kisses, the warmth he evoked just by looking at her, the bliss of waking up curled against his side. The possessive way he put his hand on her lower back and touched her hair. The knowledge that she belonged to him, and him alone.
A sudden rush of hope rose in her, desperate and raw.
“Evan, I want to stay.” The words spilled out of her. “I mean that. I’ll work at the bakery, and I can help during the rest of your recovery. I know you have your family and all, but I can…”
She could do what? Cook him dinner when he probably had a special chef making his meals? Drive him to the doctor’s office? Help him with physical therapy? Sneak him forbidden desserts?
He had his family and a whole medical team on his side. At most she could go for walks with him and read books to him, but everyone else had been handling Evan’s heart condition since he was born. They knew exactly what to do. And though she’d done her research, she, on the other hand, had very little idea.
“Lockhart.” Evan brushed his thumb across her bottom lip, then pulled his hand away almost sharply, as if touching her had been a mistake. “You can’t stay in Rainsville.”
“Don’t tell me what I can or can’t do either,” Hannah said. “Look, I let Polly handle everything during my mother’s illness. I knew even then that I could have done more, but I didn’t. It was so much easier for me to stay away. Well, I won’t do that this time. I’m staying to help you because I love you.”
His mouth compressed. “I don’t need your help. I don’t want it.”
Stung, Hannah drew away from him, repelled by a sudden sense of cold. “Why are you pushing me away so hard? You told me about your heart early on. You don’t have to protect me from it. I knew what I was getting into.”
Except that she hadn’t, not really. She’d known his health carried a certain risk in terms of their relationship, but she hadn’t known her love for him would deepen to the point that she felt him in the marrow of her bones. She hadn’t known she’d fall asleep at night with a half-finished thought of him that concluded the instant she woke. She hadn’t known all the magnificent experiences of the world would pale in comparison to the idea of a lifetime with Evan.
“You didn’t know.” Evan voiced her thoughts as if he’d read her mind. “No one knows, not my doctors, not my family, not me.”
“So that means I’m not allowed to love you?” she
retorted. “Is that it?”
Evan looked at her, a faint smile tugging at his mouth. He reached out to put his hand against her cheek.
“Lockhart,” he said. “You are bold, beautiful, and daring and you make me want to run off and travel the world with you. I want to climb mountains, cross deserts, and swim rivers with you. I want to wake up in Patagonia and find you sleeping beside me. I want to sit with you in a hillside temple in Nepal and drag you around Vienna in search of the perfect dessert. I want to go everywhere, do everything, be everything… all with you.”
Hannah wiped her eyes with her sleeve, her heart flooding over with a riotous combination of both love and apprehension.
“Then I’ll wait for you,” she said, unable to dispel a sudden spark of excitement. “Your recovery isn’t that long. I’ll work at Wild Child until you’re better again, and then we’ll take off together. Evan, there’s so much I haven’t seen yet, so much I want to show you. A little mountain town called Iuygar in Argentina where there’s a craft festival every day. A valley in Burma with the most incredible archeological complex of Buddhist temples. Of course, we’ll take it easy at first, but the world is huge. There are plenty of cities and towns. We can do it together. Everything.”
She tried to smother the pain rising inside her, mingling with the hope that danced like butterflies. Evan’s hand still cupped her cheek, his thumb moving to brush away the tears still falling. Regret shone in his blue eyes. Hannah’s throat closed over.
“Please,” she said.
“I can’t do everything. Even if I wanted to try… and God knows I do… I won’t leave my family to worry themselves sick over me. I’ve always tried not to let my heart affect the way I live my life, but the fact is I’ll never have a normal heart. I’ll always be at risk for health problems. I won’t let that affect you, too.”
“It wouldn’t!” Hannah sat up, the ache inside about to crack her chest open. “The only thing that affects me is the fact that I love you. I want to be with you. If you can’t come with me, then I’ll stay here. We can make this work.”
“No, we can’t.” Lines of tension bracketed his mouth. His hand fell away from her. “You can’t have a life with me. There’s no telling what complications I could face in the future, and there’s no reason you should have to deal with them too.”
“I’m not dealing with you, for God’s sake,” Hannah snapped. “I love you. I choose to be with you. Why are you forcing me away?”
“Because you deserve more than to be stuck here with a man who could end up stifling you,” he retorted. “After ten years of freedom, do you really think you’ll be happy working at the bakery and being my caretaker?”
“Evan, you’re going to recover! And I’ll do anything for you, but I don’t expect to spend my life being your nurse. You’ve already come so far.”
“Yeah, but for how long?” Bitterness cut through his voice. He looked away. “Next time, it could be worse. And you wouldn’t leave my side no matter how bad it might get.”
“I wouldn’t leave your side because I love you, not because I’d feel guilty. And what if something happens to me? What if I get sick? Don’t you think the only person I’d want with me every step of the way is you? Why don’t you think the same thing about me? Why don’t you want me with you?”
“It’s not a question of want,” he said. “It’s that I’d hate knowing I was the reason you were trapped.”
Hannah wiped her wet face, feeling as if she were facing down an immovable brick wall.
“You’d never be the reason I’m trapped,” she said. “You’re the reason I’m free. The reason I’m finally not afraid anymore. Do you know why I love you?”
He shook his head, not looking at her.
“Because you’re worth it. You’ve spent so much of your life trying to prove yourself, but you never had to prove anything to me, Evan. I’ve known the truth all along. You’re worth everything, especially my heart.”
His throat worked with a swallow. He stared at the ocean, his jaw rigid. Hannah pushed to her feet, sudden defeat washing over her.
“But until you believe that,” she said, “until you know it, then I can’t be with you. I won’t let you devalue my heart or my feelings. You need to trust that I’ll see anything through with you, that I won’t leave, that I’ll keep my promises. I’m all yours for the taking, but if you don’t believe in us, then we’ll never make it together.”
She paused beside him, willing him with everything she had to give them a chance, to say something that would allow her to stay. He was silent. Her heart split right down the middle.
“Now I know why they call you Heartbreaker,” she said.
She turned and left him, blinded by tears.
Chapter
TWENTY-SIX
Missing Hannah hurt a fuckload worse than open-heart surgery. At least the physical pain had eased up over the past few weeks. But the missing Hannah was a goddamned permanent hole in his chest.
One he’d drilled himself because… she’d wanted to stay. She’d wanted to make it work. As much as he’d hated letting her go, Evan still couldn’t find any way around it. He’d rather spend his life alone than be the reason for trapping Hannah.
That’s not how she sees it.
That’s how it is.
According to you.
According to my fucking ruined heart.
That’s not how she sees it.
That’s how it is.
Since when do you let your heart control you?
Bitter irony that. He’d spent his life refusing to be constrained by his physical limitations, but he’d just let Hannah go because of his heart. And yet his other heart, the one that was bigger and more powerful than the weak organ inside his chest, was still full of crazy hopes that somehow, Hannah had been right. Somehow they could make it work.
Or not. Because… his heart.
And his head, which was ready to explode with all the wrangling he’d been doing trying to figure it all out.
He pushed away from his desk at the Sugar Rush corporate headquarters. At least he’d had work to distract him, though it didn’t have the same appeal as it had before. Nothing did, not without Hannah.
He tossed a few folders into his briefcase beside a flat square package wrapped in brown paper. For the hundredth time, he picked it up and ran his fingers over the edges that were worn from his constant handling. The package had arrived in the mail two days after he’d heard from Polly that Hannah had left Rainsville.
His name and address were written on the front in Hannah’s curly handwriting, with Wild Child listed as the return address. He’d been carrying the package around in his briefcase for the three weeks she’d been gone, both wanting to open it and dreading what might be inside. It was his final connection to her, this goodbye gift. Once he opened it, he felt like he’d lose her forever.
Did that mean he still had hope?
No. Because he was the fucker who’d pushed her away when her whole being had glowed with love for him.
He put the package back in his briefcase and headed out of the office. The elevator doors at the end of the corridor opened. His father and Aunt Julia stepped out, their heads turned toward each other in conversation.
The sight of them—his big-shouldered, authoritative father and his beautiful, fashionable aunt—struck a chord in Evan. Though they sparred and argued, somehow over the years they’d become a team. As if Julia had known, even in the aftermath of losing her sister, that family had to stick together to stay intact. To heal.
“Evan.” Julia caught sight of him, a flash of relief crossing her face. “Your father said your appointment with Dr. Kumar went well.”
“Very well.” This time, Evan didn’t conceal the truth. “Really good, actually. My recovery has been faster than he expected.”
“Best test results he’s had in years,” Warren added.
Evan gave Julia the details of Dr. Kumar’s assessment as they walked to the boardroom
. His concerns about ending up on the Sugar Rush sidelines after his surgery hadn’t come to pass—Luke and his father had kept him apprised of business issues when he was recovering at home, and neither of them had protested when he’d said he wanted to return to the office.
“Do you want to get some lunch after the meeting?” Julia pushed back the cuff of her suit to glance at her slim gold watch. “I don’t have to be back at work until two. We can stop at Wild Child.”
Right. As if he could ever set foot in the bakery again, knowing Hannah wouldn’t be there.
“I’m not going to Wild Child,” he said.
“Somewhere else then.” Julia waved a hand. “That’s for the best, I suppose, considering the calorie count of those pastries. I need to talk to Polly about offering a salad menu.”
Evan exchanged an amused look with his father.
“It’s a bakery, Jules,” Warren reminded her. “You want a salad, go to a farm.”
She sniffed. “I don’t like dirt.”
“That’s not what Hannah seemed to think,” Evan remarked. “She said Polly told her you have some secret past involving astrology and hippie music festivals.”
“I most certainly do not.” Julia flipped a lock of her smooth blonde hair away from her shoulder.
A thought occurred to Evan, much as he couldn’t reconcile the idea of his Chanel-wearing aunt having once been a beatnik teenager.
“Aunt Julia,” he said. “Were you a groupie?”
Warren chuckled. Julia shot him a glare.
“Don’t be a fool, Evan Stone,” she scoffed. “I would never consort with the hoi-polloi.”
“You no longer have an issue with Polly,” Evan pointed out. “And you had her pegged as all kinds of lowbrow.”
“I admit I was wary of her at first,” Julia allowed. “But she grew on me. Not to mention, she changed your brother for the better. I’m sorry Hannah didn’t do the same for you.”
Irritation prickled Evan’s spine. “What does that mean?”
“Just what I said.” Julia shrugged, stepping aside as Warren opened the boardroom door for her. “I know the surgery was a blow, but she was there through it all. As far as I could tell, she didn’t flinch.”