by B. M. Hardin
I hated myself and I mostly just wanted other people to love me. To get to know me and see how amazing I could be. But not many ever even tried to know anything about me other than my name and that I was fat. And my high school days were the worst. They would make pig noises when I walked by and everything. They would make me drop my lunch and tell me that I could afford to miss a few meals and one boy even put superglue in my chair and glued me to the seat. It took forever to get me out of that chair. But it also took forever for him to get out the glob of gum that I’d put into his hair. Actually he’d had to cut his head bald. I’d chewed about fifteen pieces of gum, walked by his desk and spit it in his hair. I even took the liberty of rubbing it through with my fingers as he swatted me away and whined like a little girl. I got suspended for that one, but he deserved it. And as for dating, well, unless he was a nerd or into all of that gothic stuff, boys wouldn’t even talk to me; unless they were talking about me.
I went through some tough times as a child and teenager, and it seemed as if no one understood the hurt that they were causing me and they didn’t realize the damage that they were doing to me in the inside. No one seemed to realize that they were creating a monster.
But along came Rodney.
Rodney was handsome. He was athletic. And he noticed me. He didn’t care that I was fat; well not at first. He didn’t ask me out because he felt pity. He genuinely liked me. He’d said that his mama and all of his sisters were big girls, so he didn’t seem to mind that I had a whole lot of extra meat. He always called me beautiful and since he was six foot seven, two hundred and something pounds, he wasn’t the smallest of the bunch himself, so I guess to him I didn’t look as big as I felt.
Anyway, we started to date. He was the first guy I actually fell in love with and made love to. He was the first guy to show me how to love and how to be confident in the skin that I was in. He became my everything, real fast, and we dated for two years with no problems.
And then came that day in the car.
He’d asked me to dinner. It was only about three months before our college graduation. We’d made plans to spend the rest of our lives together. I was going to continue my path towards becoming a lawyer and he wanted to be some kind of professional athletics trainer, coach or something. But that day he’d said that he wanted to talk. Being impatient, I bugged him as we drove about what it was that he wanted to talk about.
“Us.”
“What about us?”
We didn’t have any problems so I thought that he might have had good news or maybe even wanted to discuss marriage after graduation or something, but I was wrong.
“I don’t know how to say this, but I’ve been cheating on you,” he’d said.
I remembered feeling like I wanted to die. I remembered gripping the steering wheel as tight as I could. My whole world seemed to come crashing down all around me, all at once, and though I’d been hurt plenty times before, nothing had ever felt quite like his words had made me feel that day.
“Why?
“Well, it’s your weight. You were big before, but you’ve gained at least thirty or forty more pounds since we met. Most of the time I’m embarrassed to be seen with you. I hate how much you sweat for no reason at all and when you’re on top of me, now, I just feel, nasty. I let you get you but the fat slapping against me is disgusting,” he’d said.
Who says that to somebody?
No like, seriously. Who in the hell says something like that to somebody that was already as self-conscious as I was at the time?
That bastard knew about all of the jokes and hurt that I’d felt in my childhood from being big, but that hadn't stopped him from saying those words to me. But even though my feelings were crushed, as I drove his car that day, and through my tears, still I tried to talk it out.
“I can lose weight. You’re into all of that stuff anyway. I asked you to help me before but you said that my weight wasn’t a problem.”
“It wasn’t at first. But then you just kept getting bigger. And half of the time, I have to force myself or imagine someone else in order to get it up to have sex with you. It’s just too much work. You’re a cool person, but I can’t overlook your size anymore. And then what about if we have kids? You’re just going to get bigger and bigger. But Jasmine…”
“Jasmine? Head cheerleader Jasmine? The one that always has something to say about me Jasmine? The one that has taunted me since freshman year Jasmine?”
“Yeah. She and I have been seeing each other and we’re just a better fit Serenity. We look better together. I’m sorry. I love you, I do. I just have to start thinking about the future. After college comes the workforce, and soon it will be time for a wife and kids, and I just think that I have to start making some decisions now. I’m sorry Serenity.”
I wasn’t sure which part set me off, but I started to cry at the top of my lungs and then I started speeding.
“Slow down Serenity.”
“For what huh? Slow down for what? My boyfriend is leaving me because I’m fat! You said that I was disgusting! Don’t you think that I know that? So do you really think that my fat ass care about dying? Huh? Do I look like I care about dying? No one will miss my fat ass anyway!”
“What? Look let’s just go to dinner and talk about this.”
“Talk about what huh? Talk about what Rodney? Talk about how fat I am? Talk about how you and Jasmine probably have sex and sit around and talk about me? I don’t want to talk about anything! I love you. I trusted you. You said that you would never hurt me and that you would always be there.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry Serenity. Please slow down!” He was screaming at me but that day, all I felt was pain. All I felt was hurt, betrayal and misery.
I was tired of people always making some kind of joke of me and of them always having something horrible to say about me. I was a good person. I was caring and loving and I tried my best to please everyone around me. I only acted out if someone did something to me first. All I’d ever wanted was to not feel like something was wrong with me and for people not to look at me like I wanted to put them in between two slices of bread and eat them. I never had a best friend. No one wanted to be friends with the fat girl. I never had a real boyfriend until Rodney, and now he didn’t want to be seen with me either.
“Slow down Serenity. I love you.”
“No you don’t! Don’t say that!” I screamed at him as I pressed the gas even more.
“I do! I do!”
“No you don’t! You lied to me! You cheated on me! You don’t love me! You promised me love and you hurt me just like everyone else! And for Jasmine? The one woman that I hate the most! You cheated on me with her! No! No! No! She can’t have you! I won’t let her! If I can’t have you she damn sure can’t have you either!”
“You’re going to kill us Serenity!” Rodney yelled that day.
“Oh, I know,” was the last comment I made, just before running into a light pole. I purposely smashed the car a little more on his side than mine, though I didn’t care about dying. I just wanted to make sure that he died too.
I remembered hitting my head, and I thought surely that was it. That was the end of my fat, miserable, life. I waited to see if I would see a white light or something, but soon my vision became clear and I realized that I was still alive. It’d taken me a second to comprehend what I’d done. Rodney’s screams about his legs brought me back to reality and I remembered looking at him. Though he was in terrible pain, he managed to look at me with pure disgust. He looked at me as though he wanted to finish the job of killing me himself, since I’d failed.
As I started to smell smoke, and at the sight of the first flame, I knew that the car was going to blow. I managed to open my door.
“Serenity, I can’t get my legs out,” Rodney had said as he tried to open his door but it was caved it. He then tried to get out of his seatbelt but he couldn’t.
“Serenity. Help me. I can’t move my legs. I can’t get out.” I’d sta
red at him with tears in my eyes, but I’d ignored his request. “I love you,” I said to him, just before getting out of the car and falling to the ground.
No matter how much he screamed, I didn’t help him.
I could have tried. I was sure that we could’ve gotten the seatbelt off and I could’ve pulled him out on my side but I didn’t. I didn’t want to. I didn’t help him. Instead, I let him burn.
I lied and told the police that the brakes on his car were weak and that I swerved to miss a deer and when I tried to stop, I couldn’t. I knew that Rodney had been having brake trouble so once they verified several visits to mechanics about the issue, no foul play was suspected and they said that I wasn’t at fault.
Rodney was dead and I wasn’t charged. I’d gotten a small peek at what was left of his crispy, cooked well-done, body. I didn’t even shed a tear and I didn’t bother to go to his funeral. I loved him yet hated him at the same time for what he’d done to me. And I didn’t feel any remorse at all, which scared me.
But after his death, and after graduation from college and as I started my next step for law, I went to work on my weight, and everything changed from there. I lost over a hundred and twenty pounds in only about a year and I became more confident than ever before. But unfortunately my revengeful, need to get even, side stayed around as a part of me. And in a way, I was glad that it did because though I’d gotten even with some people prior to that, after that day, I never let anyone get over on me again. I always got the last laugh. Always.
Pulling up at my house, I put my thoughts of the past on stand-by as I stared at Elroy. He just had that look as he leaned up against his car. That look that said that I wasn’t going to like what he had to say.
“Hey,” he said as I got out of the car.
I looked at him and I noticed that he looked down to see if I was still wearing the ring. I was.
“Why were you at the mall Elroy?”
He took a deep breath.
“Why were you at the mall Elroy?” I repeated.
“I love you Serenity,” he said.
Uh oh. That was the opening line that said that a load of bull crap was about to follow. I placed my hands on my hips.
“I was there with Kera.”
“Kera? Who is Kera?”
He looked at me with puppy dog eyes.
“My soon-to-be wife…too,” he said.
What? I had to have heard him wrong.
“Soon-to-be wife? I’m your soon-to-be wife Elroy!”
“But so is she. Actually, she was first,” he said.
Suddenly I remembered the woman at the bridal store saying that a couple had just come in and they didn’t know their wedding date either. I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d been talking about them.
I started to breathe heavily, and instantly, tears started to fall from my eyes. “What are you talking about Elroy?”
“Kera and I have been together for five years.”
“Five years? What are you talking about Elroy? What? How? When?”
“She and I were already together when I saw you that day Serenity. I just had to have you and she was always on the road,” he said.
“On the road?”
“She sings back up. Professionally.”
“What? For who?”
“That’s not important. But that’s how I had so much freedom and why I was able to spend so much time with you and sleep over at your house and give you a key to mine. She’s always gone. But she’s been coming home more often here lately so that’s why sometimes I haven’t been where I say that I am. I’m sorry. I didn’t know that I was going to fall in love with you. But then I did. And then I thought that it was okay and I could just let her go but I couldn’t. When she’s around, I love her too.”
I didn’t even try to control myself. I swung on him, just as he started to talk again. I threw blow after blow, and I was actually getting enough licks in to where he had to shove me to get me off of him. But that only pissed me off even more! He dodged a few more of my punches, and then finally, he grabbed me at the shoulders and started to shake me.
“I never meant to hurt you! I never meant for things to go so far! I really didn’t. I planned to break things off with her so many times, but I would always change my mind.”
I started to wail because my heart had been broken.
Elroy let go of me for a second and then he tried to comfort me, but every time that he touched me, I screamed at the top of my lungs and cried “Rape!” I said it over and over again and he would look at me as though I was crazy and move away.
“Don’t touch me you lying bastard! And you proposed to her too?”
“She and I have been engaged for a while Serenity. When I got the ring for you, I was feeling more in love with you, at the moment, but then I started to go back and forth again. That’s why at times I’d started being distant. My mind and my heart just won’t agree,” he said.
I gasped. I was crying as Elroy continued to explain.
“I love you both for different reasons. In different ways. I can’t explain them. But for years I’ve been trying to choose, and I can’t. In a way, I want you both,” Elroy said.
What? How dare he lead me on like this?
How dare he propose when he was already engaged to someone else? How dare he? He had been cheating on me the whole time! The whole freaking time!
I hurriedly twisted the ring off of my finger and threw it in Elroy’s face. “The best thing for you to do right now is to leave. Leave Elroy. Now! Just leave!” I bellowed.
“I don’t want to. I love you Serenity. Let’s talk about it. I don’t know what to do. Let’s see what we can do,” he said as though there was something that could be done about the situation. I damn sure wasn’t sharing him with another woman. That was never going to happen! If he wanted to talk about what kind of casket he wanted to be buried in once I blacked out of it and killed him, sure, we could talk about that. But I wasn’t talking about him, me and another woman! Never!
“All I need is a little time to make up my mind. Now that you know the truth, maybe you can help me see why we are worth fighting for and it might be easier for me to let her go.”
“What? You’re joking right? Are you on drugs? Were you smoking crack before you came over here? Maybe you should smoke some more and see if it magically gives you some common sense! What makes you think that you have the right to suggest something like that Elroy? What gives you the right to stand here and even think that it’s okay to say that to me right now? Huh? What gives you the fucking right?” I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Dear Cupid, if you can hear me, please shoot this fool right in the damn heart! And use bullets instead of arrows please. And thank you!
I swear, if he dropped dead, right here, right now, I would be the happiest woman in the world! I would even do a cartwheel over his lying ass dead body. I might even sit, crisscross apple sauce beside him, just to watch him take his last breath.
“Leave Elroy! Now! And I mean you had better leave right now! I promise you if I make it into that house, the next knife that I throw at you, I won’t miss. I promise you boo-boo. I won’t miss!” I growled, reminding him of the knife that I’d thrown at his head a few days before. I could tell that he knew that I was serious and I could also tell that my statement made him uncomfortable, but still yet he kept talking.
“I can’t leave you like this Serenity. I just can’t. I’ve never seen you like this before and I know it’s all my fault. Serenity, I’m sorry. And I love you. Believe me, I really do,” Elroy said as I struggled to control myself. I had to get away from him. I had to get away from him now!
Even though he was at my house, I would just go ahead and leave since he wouldn’t. I managed to make it to my car with him begging in my ear. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear anything else that his lying, cheating ass had to say.
“Please baby. Tell me what you want me to do.”
I looked at him.
<
br /> “What do you want me to do Serenity?”
“Die! I want you to die!” I screamed in his face as I slammed my car door closed and started my car. He banged on the window and I placed the car in reverse but once I was a few feet away from him, I put the car in drive.
Elroy looked like a deer in headlights as I pressed on the gas. He leaped into the bushes just in time. I could hear him cursing and fussing, as I reversed and drove away, but I didn’t care. Luckily for him he’d gotten out of the way because I promise, I hadn't missed him on purpose.
Did that really just happen to me? Again?
Did the love of my life, the man that I was supposed to marry and spend the rest of my life with, just tell me that he was also engaged to someone else? Too?
My phone started to buzz and I knew that it was Elroy without even looking at it.
What could he possibly have to say?
I ignored his call and continued to drive. Though folks always managed to bring out the worst in me, I’d always been good to Elroy. I’d always treated him like a king. I’d always been faithful. I’d always showed him that I loved him. He got sex whenever he wanted it, and his piece of meat got sucked, anytime he asked for it. Even when I was tired and didn’t feel like it, I did it because I loved him. And he did this to me? You just don’t do something like this to somebody that loves you!
I was crying so hard that I had to pull over on the side of the road. I cried from the deepest part of my heart. I cried as though someone had just died. I screamed aloud though no one could hear me or comfort me. My heart hurt so bad that I thought that I was going to be sick. What was it going to take for someone to love me? Just me? What was so wrong with me? Everyone else had someone that really loved them so what was wrong with me?
My feelings were so hurt. I felt like I was just doomed to be alone forever and that I wanted something that I just wasn’t meant to have.
And who in the hell is Kera?