The First Man

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by Eugene O'neill


  CURTIS-[Smiling to himself over her head.]Yes, that does complicate matters, doesn't it?

  MARTHA-[Hurt-looking up at him.]Curt! How indifferently you say that-as if you didn't care!

  CURTIS-[Avoiding her eyes-teasingly.]What do you think you'll do all the time I'm gone?

  MARTHA-Oh, I'll be lost-dead-I won't know what to do. I'll die of loneliness-[yearning creeping into her voice]unless-

  CURTIS-[Inquisitively.]Unless what?

  MARTHA-[Burying her face on his shoulder-passionately.]Oh, Curt, I love you so! Swear that you'll always love me no matter what I do-no matter what I ask-

  CURTIS-[Vaguely uneasy now, trying to peer into her face.]But, sweetheart-

  MARTHA-[Giving way weakly to her feelings for a moment- entreatingly.]Then don't go!

  CURTIS-[Astonished.]Why, I've got to go. You know that.

  MARTHA-Yes, I suppose you have.[Vigorously, as if flinging off a weakness.] Of course you have!

  CURTIS-But, Martha-you said you'd be lonely unless-unless what?

  Martha-Unless I-[She hesitates, blushing and confused.]I mean we-oh, I'm so afraid of what you'll-hold me close, very close to you and I'll whisper it.[She pulls his head down and whispers in his ear. A look of disappointment and aversion forces itself on his face.]

  CURTIS-[Almost indignantly.]But that's impossible, Martha!

  MARTHA-[Pleadingly.]Now don't be angry with me, Curt-not till you've heard everything.[With a trace of defiance.] It isn't impossible, Curt. It's so! It's happened! I was saving it as a secret-to tell you to-day-on my birthday.

  CURTIS-[Stunned.]You mean it-is a fact?

  MARTHA-Yes.[Then pitifully.] Oh, Curt, don't look that way! You seem so cold-so far away from me.[Straining her arms about him.] Why don't you hold me close to you? Why don't you say you're glad-for my sake?

  CURTIS-[Agitatedly.]But Martha-you don't understand. How can I pretend gladness when-[Vehemently.]Why, it would spoil all our plans!

  MARTHA-Plans? OUR plans? What do you mean?

  CURTIS-[Excitedly.]Why, you're going with me, of course! I've obtained official permission. I've been working for it for months. The letter came yesterday morning.

  MARTHA-[Stunned.]Permission-to go with you-

  CURTIS-[Excitedly.]Yes. I couldn't conceive going without you. And I knew how you must be wishing-

  MARTHA-[In pain.]Oh!

  CURTIS-[Distractedly-jumping to his feet and staring at her bewilderedly.]Martha! You don't mean to tell me you weren't!

  MARTHA-[In a crushed voice.]I was wishing you would finally decide not to go-to stay at home.

  CURTIS-[Betraying exasperation.]But you must realize that's impossible. Martha, are you sure you've clearly understood what I've told you? You can go with me, do you hear? Everything is arranged. And I've had to fight so hard-I was running the risk of losing my own chance by my insistence that I couldn't go without you.

  MARTHA-[Weakly and helplessly.]I understand all that, Curt.

  CURTIS-[Indignantly.]And yet-you hesitate! Why, this is the greatest thing of its kind ever attempted! There are unprecedented possibilities! A whole new world of knowledge may be opened up- the very origin of Man himself! And you will be the only woman-

  MARTHA-I realize all that, Curt.

  CURTIS-You can't-and hesitate! And then-think, Martha!-it will mean that you and I won't have to be separated. We can go on living the old, free life together.

  MARTHA-[Growing calm now.]You are forgetting-what I told you, Curt. You must face the fact. I cannot go.

  CURTIS-[Overwhelmed by the finality of her tone-after a pause.]How long have you known-this?

  MARTHA-Two months, about.

  CURTIS-But why didn't you tell me before?

  MARTHA-I was afraid you wouldn't understand-and you haven't, Curt. But why didn't you tell me before-what you were planning?

  CURTIS-[Eagerly.]You mean-then-you would have been glad to go- before this had happened?

  MARTHA-I would have accepted it.

  CURTIS-[Despairingly.]Martha, how could you ever have allowed this to happen? Oh, I suppose I'm talking foolishness. It wasn't your seeking, I know.

  MARTHA-Yes it was, Curt. I wished it. I sought it.

  CURTIS-[Indignantly.]Martha![Then in a hurt tone.] You have broken the promise we made when they died. We were to keep their memories inviolate. They were to be always-our only children.

  MARTHA-[Gently.]They forgive me, Curt. And you will forgive me, too-when you see him-and love him.

  CURTIS-Him?

  MARTHA-I know it will be a boy.

  CURTIS-[Sinking down on the couch beside her-dully.]Martha! You have blown my world to bits.

  MARTHA-[Taking one of his hands in hers-gently.]You must make allowances for me. Curt, and forgive me. I AM getting old. No, it's the truth. I've reached the turning point. Will you listen to my side of it, Curt, and try to see it-with sympathy-with true understanding-[With a trace of bitterness.]-forgetting your work for the moment?

  CURTIS-[Miserably.]That's unfair, Martha. I think of it as OUR work-and I have always believed you did, too.

  MARTHA-[Quickly.]I did, Curt! I do! All in the past is our work. It's my greatest pride to think so. But, Curt, I'll have to confess frankly-during the past two years I've felt myself- feeling as if I wasn't complete-with that alone.

  CURTIS-Martha![Bitterly.] And all the time I believed that more and more it was becoming the aim of your life, too.

  MARTHA-[With a sad smile.]I'm glad of that, dear. I tried my best to conceal it from you. It would have been so unfair to let you guess while we were still in harness. But oh, how I kept looking forward to the time when we would come back-and rest-in our own home! You know-you said that was your plan-to stay here and write your books-and I was hoping-

  CURTIS-[With a gesture of aversion.]I loathe this book-writing. It isn't my part, I realize now. But when I made the plans you speak of, how could I know that then?

  MARTHA-[Decisively.]You've got to go. I won't try to stop you. I'll help all in my power-as I've always done. Only-I can't go with you any more. And you must help me-to do my work-by understanding it.[He is silent, frowning, his face agitated, preoccupied. She goes on intensely.] Oh, Curt, I wish I could tell you what I feel, make you feel with me the longing for a child. If you had just the tiniest bit of feminine in you-![Forcing a smile.] But you're so utterly masculine, dear! That's what has made me love you, I suppose-so I've no right to complain of it.[Intensely.] I don't. I wouldn't have you changed one bit! I love you! And I love the things you love-your work-because it's a part of you. And that's what I want you to do-to reciprocate-to love the creator in me-to desire that I, too, should complete myself with the thing nearest my heart!

  CURTIS-[Intensely preoccupied with his own struggle-vaguely.]But I thought-

  MARTHA-I know; but, after all, your work is yours, not mine. I have been only a helper, a good comrade, too, I hope, but- somehow-outside of it all. Do you remember two years ago when we were camped in Yunnan, among the aboriginal tribes? It was one night there when we were lying out in our sleeping-bags up in the mountains along the Tibetan frontier. I couldn't sleep. Suddenly I felt oh, so tired-utterly alone-out of harmony with you-with the earth under me. I became horribly despondent-like an outcast who suddenly realizes the whole world is alien. And all the wandering about the world, and all the romance and excitement I'd enjoyed in it, appeared an aimless, futile business, chasing around in a circle in an effort to avoid touching reality. Forgive me, Curt. I meant myself, not you, of course. Oh, it was horrible, I tell you, to feel that way. I tried to laugh at myself, to fight it off, but it stayed and grew worse. It seemed as if I were the only creature alive-who was not alive. And all at once the picture came of a tribeswoman who stood looking at us in a little mountain village as we rode by. She was nursing her child. Her eyes were so curiously sure of herself. She was horribly ugly, poor woman, and yet-as the picture came back to me-I appeared to myself the ugly one while she was beautiful.
And I thought of our children who had died-and such a longing for another child came to me that I began sobbing. You were asleep. You didn't hear.[She pauses-then proceeds slowly.] And when we came back here-to have a home at last, I was so happy because I saw my chance of fulfillment-before it was too late.[In a gentle, pleading voice.] Now can you understand, dear?[She puts her hand on his arm.]

  CURTIS-[Starting as if awaking from a sleep.]Understand? No, I can't understand, Martha.

  MARTHA-[In a gasp of unbearable hurt.]Curt! I don't believe you heard a word I was saying.

  CURTIS-[Bursting forth as if releasing all the pent-up struggle that has been gathering within him.]No, I can't understand. I cannot, cannot! It seems like treachery to me.

  MARTHA-Curt!

  CURTIS-I've depended on you. This is the crucial point-the biggest thing of my life-and you desert me!

  MARTHA-[Resentment gathering in her eyes.]If you had listened to me-if you had even tried to feel-

  CURTIS-I feel that you are deliberately ruining my highest hope. How can I go on without you? I've been trying to imagine myself alone. I can't! Even with my work-who can I get to take your place? Oh, Martha, why do you have to bring this new element into our lives at this late day? Haven't we been sufficient, you and I together? Isn't that a more difficult, beautiful happiness to achieve than-children? Everyone has children. Don't I love you as much as any man could love a woman? Isn't that enough for you? Doesn't it mean anything to you that I need you so terribly-for myself, for my work-for everything that is best and worthiest in me? Can you expect me to be glad when you propose to introduce a stranger who will steal away your love, your interest-who will separate us and deprive me of you! No, no, I cannot! It's asking the impossible. I am only human.

  MARTHA-If you were human you would think of my life as well as yours.

  CURTIS-I do! It is OUR life I am fighting for, not mine-OUR life that you want to destroy.

  MARTHA-Our life seems to mean your life to you, Curt-and only your life. I have devoted fifteen years to that. Now I must fight for my own.

  CURTIS-[Aghast.]You talk as if we were enemies, Martha![Striding forward and seizing her in his arms.] No, you don't mean it! I love you so, Martha! You've made yourself part of my life, my work-I need you so! I can't share you with anyone! I won't! Martha, my own! Say that you won't, dear?[He kisses her passionately again and again.]

  MARTHA-[All her love and tenderness aroused by his kisses and passionate sincerity-weakening.]Curt! Curt![Pitiably.] It won't separate us, dear. Can't you see he will be a link between us- even when we are away from each other-that he will bring us together all the closer?

  CURTIS-But I can't be away from you!

  MARTHA-[Miserably.]Oh, Curt, why won't you look the fact in the face-and learn to accept it with joy? Why can't you for my sake? I would do that for you.

  CURTIS-[Breaking away from her-passionately.]You will not do what I have implored you-for me! And I am looking the fact in the face-the fact that there must be no fact![Avoiding her eyes-as if defying his own finer feelings.] There are doctors who-

  MARTHA-[Shrinking back from him.]Curt! You propose that-to me![With overwhelming sorrow.] Oh, Curt! When I feel him-his life within me-like a budding of my deepest soul-to flower and continue me-you say what you have just said![Grief-stricken.] Oh, you never, never, never will understand!

  CURTIS-[Shamefacedly.]Martha, I-[Distractedly.]I don't know what I'm saying! This whole situation is so unbearable! Why, why does it have to happen now?

  MARTHA-[Gently.]It must be now-or not at all-at my age, dear.[Then after a pause-staring at him frightenedly-sadly.] You have changed, Curt. I remember it used to be your happiness to sacrifice yourself for me.

  CURTIS-I had no work then-no purpose beyond myself. To sacrifice oneself is easy. But when your only meaning becomes as a searcher for knowledge-you cannot sacrifice that, Martha. You must sacrifice everything for that-or lose all sincerity.

  MARTHA-I wonder where your work leaves off and you begin. Hasn't your work become you?

  CURTIS-Yes and no.[Helplessly.] You can't understand, Martha!…

  MARTHA-Nor you.

  CURTIS-[With a trace of bitter irony.]And you and your work? Aren't they one and the same?

  MARTHA-So you think mine is selfish, too?[After a pause-sadly.] I can't blame you, Curt. It's all my fault. I've spoiled you by giving up my life so completely to yours. You've forgotten I have one. Oh, I don't mean that I was a martyr. I know that in you alone lay my happiness and fulfillment in those years-after the children died. But we are no longer what we were then. We must, both of us, relearn to love and respect-what we have become.

  CURTIS-[Violently.]Nonsense! You talk as if love were an intellectual process-[Taking her into his arms-passionately.]I love you-always and forever! You are me and I am you. What use is all this vivisecting?[He kisses her fiercely. They look into each other's eyes for a second-then instinctively fall back from one another.]

  MARTHA-[In a whisper.]Yes, you love me. But who am I? There is no recognition in your eyes. You don't know.

  CURTIS-[Frightenedly.]Martha! Stop! This is terrible![They continue to be held by each other's fearfully questioning eyes.]

  [The Curtain Falls]

  ACT III

  SCENE-Same as Act II. As the curtain rises, JAYSON is discovered sitting in an armchair by the fireplace, in which a log fire is burning fitfully. He is staring into the flames, a strained, expectant expression on his face. It is about three o'clock in the morning. There is no light but that furnished by the fire which fills the room with shifting shadows. The door in the rear is opened and RICHARD appears, his face harried by the stress of unusual emotion. Through the opened doorway, a low, muffled moan of anguish sounds from the upper part of the house.JAYSON and RICHARD both shudder. The latter closes the door behind him quickly as if anxious to shut out the noise.

  JAYSON-[Looking up anxiously.]Well?

  RICHARD-[Involuntarily straightening up as if about to salute and report to a superior officer.]No change, sir.[Then, as if remembering himself, comes to the fireplace and slumps down in a chair-agitatedly.] God, Dad, I can't stand her moaning and screaming! It's got my nerves shot to pieces. I thought I was hardened. I've heard them out in No Man's Land-dying by inches- when you couldn't get to them or help-but this is worse-a million times! After all, that was war-and they were men-

  JAYSON-Martha is having an exceptionally hard ordeal.

  RICHARD-Since three o'clock this morning-yesterday morning, I should say. It's a wonder she isn't dead.

  JAYSON-[After a pause.]Where is Curt?

  RICHARD-[Harshly.]Still out in the garden, walking around bareheaded in the cold like a lunatic.

  JAYSON-Why didn't you make him come in?

  RICHARD-Make him! It's easy to say. He's in a queer state, Dad, I can tell you! There's something torturing him besides her pain-

  JAYSON-[After a pause.]Yes, there's a lot in all this we don't know about.

  RICHARD-I suppose the reason he's so down on the family is because we've rather cut her since that tea affair.

  JAYSON-He shouldn't blame us. She acted abominably and has certainly caused enough talk since then-always about with Bigelow-

  RICHARD-[With a sardonic laugh.]And yet he keeps asking everyone to send for Bigelow-says he wants to talk to him-not us. WE can't understand![He laughs bitterly.]

  JAYSON-I'm afraid Curt knows we understand too much.[Agitatedly.] But why does he want Bigelow, in God's name? In his present state-with the suspicions he must have-there's liable to be a frightful scene.

  RICHARD-Don't be afraid of a scene.[With pitying scorn.] The hell of it is he seems to regard Bigelow as his best friend. Damned if I can make it out.

  JAYSON-I gave orders that they were always to tell Curt Bigelow was out of town and couldn't be reached.[With a sigh.] What a frightful situation for all of us![After a pause.] It may sound cruel of me-but-I can't help wishing for all our sakes that this child will never
-

  RICHARD-Yes, Dad, I know what you're thinking. It would be the best thing for it, too-although I hate myself for saying it.[There is a pause. Then the door in rear is opened and LILY appears. She is pale and agitated. Leaving the door open behind her she comes forward and flings herself on the lounge.]

  JAYSON-[Anxiously.]Well?

  LILY-[Irritably, getting up and switching on the lights.]Isn't everything gloomy enough?[Sits down.] I couldn't bear it upstairs one second longer. Esther and Emily are coming down, too. It's too much for them-and they've had personal experience.[Trying to mask her agitation by a pretense at flippancy.] I hereby become a life-member of the birth-control league. Let's let humanity cease- if God can't manage its continuance any better than that!

 

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