by Maggie Way
Shifting slightly, John turned onto his side and draped his free arm around Gretchen’s waist. She smiled in her sleep and leaned against him. The scent of her hair filled his senses. John loved the smell of honeysuckle and jasmine simply because it reminded him of her. He was half tempted to suggest planting honeysuckle vines in the backyard so he could smell them when she was at work.
Not that John had to worry about her being gone during the day for a while with school out for the summer. That thought made him pull Gretchen even closer. Gretchen already had a million ideas about what they could do during her break. Apparently there were mountains nearby, rivers, hiking trails, sandstone monuments, and half a dozen other things she couldn’t wait to see. Having someone to do them with only made her more excited to start.
John hoped his leg could keep up with her. Thinking about his leg brought the low ache it was radiating to the front of his mind. He wondered if that would ever go away. It was damaged so badly, John wasn't sure if it would. The physical therapy appointments he went to had taught him ways to strengthen his leg, but the physical therapist had warned him it would take time. That didn’t bother John at all. Lying with Gretchen made it feel as if he had plenty of time.
Lifting his hand to Gretchen’s bare shoulder, he stroked it slowly. Her soft skin responded to his touch, making Gretchen smile and subconsciously roll her shoulder in time with him. Leaning down so he could kiss her skin, John paused when his vision blurred. He still saw Gretchen beside him, but her skin looked different, paler. Then she rolled toward him, except she didn’t. John couldn’t feel her moving, but he could see her shift, and he suddenly realized what was happening.
He wasn’t seeing Gretchen, he was remembering someone else.
The woman from his memory turned to faced him, revealing the same dark waves of hair and heart-shaped face he’d seen the previous night. Her lips curled up in a smile, but didn’t speak. Reaching up to John, her lips pressed against his cheek and he could almost swear he felt her touch. John could feel his own mouth warming into a smile despite his disbelief. The memory woman laid back down, blurring his vision again and leaving Gretchen in her place.
An intense shiver ran through John’s body as he stared at Gretchen’s sleeping form. He knew she hadn’t actually gone anywhere, but he felt cold instead of being warmed by her touch like he should have been. He’d seen the woman three times now. Each time the memory seemed to last longer than the one before. She was familiar, but not familiar enough for John to know who she was. She was in his arms, but why?
Dr. Sanchez had told John to call her if he remembered anything at all. That would undoubtedly mean Gretchen finding out about the flashes, and that was not something he wanted. There was no way he could tell Gretchen. It was only a few brief memories popping up, lasting barely a few seconds. And only about this one woman.
In that brief moment of seeing her John felt amazed and happy like he did when he was with Gretchen, but it faded as soon as the memory ended and was quickly replaced by anger. Where was this woman now? If she had cared about him like she seemed to, why wasn’t she there? John couldn’t bring himself to believe anyone who had been a part of his life wouldn’t have known where he was and been able to find him. Maybe the woman hadn’t been involved with John in a very long time, but if she had been, the only reason he could see for why she hadn’t found him was because she didn’t want to.
Gretchen yawned and rolled toward John.
“You know, I think this is the first time since you starting cooking that I haven’t woken up to the smell of breakfast,” Gretchen said before yawning again. “You must be slacking.”
Refusing to think about the memory woman for another second, John leaned down and kissed Gretchen. “I guess I’ll have to remedy that,” he said.
Gretchen pulled him closer before he could move, not that he really wanted to. “Not yet. I’d rather have you than breakfast.”
“Oh really?” John asked, rolling and hovering over Gretchen.
Gretchen’s cheeks colored despite having made the teasing comment on purpose. John was tempted to push a little further, but instead he just smiled. Maybe telling Gretchen he loved her had brought her a step closer to really letting him in, but the strange memories popping into John’s mind had moved him a step back. Well, not really a step back, he was pretty much committed to Gretchen, but the memories made him want to slow down. At least until he figured out what was going on with his mind.
Thankfully, Gretchen didn’t seem to mind his hesitancy. She reached up and kissed John lightly. “Actually, why don’t we go out to breakfast?”
“I don’t mind making breakfast,” John said.
Shaking her head, she smiled. “You don’t have to remind me how much you love to cook. I live here too, remember? But everybody needs a break once in a while. Let’s go out, relax, and let someone else do the cooking today.”
As much as John loved being in the kitchen, going out actually sounded nice. The last two weeks had been all food, going over menus, testing recipes, prepping foods, and actually doing the cooking. A break would be good. Nodding his agreement, John pulled back from Gretchen, giving her room to get up.
She stood up and her leg bumped against the coffee table, knocking an envelope onto the floor. Picking it back up, she was about to toss it back onto the table when she stopped mid-throw. She pulled the envelope back and peeked inside, seeing the cash it held. It was the money Eric and Melanie paid him for catering their wedding.
Eric hadn’t been thrilled with the idea of having to pay John in cash, but it proved necessary. John still had no identity, which made it impossible to get a social security card, driver’s license, ID, anything that would allow him to get a back account. Without a bank account, or even an ID to prove he was the person a check was addressed to, a check with John’s name on it would be completely useless.
Of course, they could have always written the check out to Gretchen, but for some reason she didn’t want them to. John thought she wanted to make sure John knew the money was his, that he had earned it. Maybe she knew how much he felt like he was in her debt. Or maybe she wanted to make sure he felt he was really becoming his own person. Either way, he appreciated the gesture. Even if it did leave him with a bunch of cash lying on the coffee table.
“What do you want to do with this?” Gretchen asked as she handed John the envelope.
“What do I want to spend it on?” John just shrugged. He had been so consumed with getting through the wedding he hadn’t even thought about it.
“That’s not what I meant,” Gretchen said. “What do you want to do with the cash? Giving it a permanent home on the coffee table probably isn’t a good idea. We need to put it somewhere.”
John hadn’t thought about that either. “Um, I don’t know. I hadn’t really considered it,” he said. They were back to the problem of him not being able to have anything in his name. John loved Gretchen for wanting to build his confidence, but when it came down to practicality they needed a more substantial plan.
“Well,” he said, “what do two people who live together and love each other usually do with their money?”
For some reason Gretchen blanched and looked down at the floor. “I don’t really know,” she said. “The topic never came up between me and Steve.”
That probably said something about how much Steve really cared for Gretchen when they were dating, but John suppose she already knew that.
“What about with your boyfriends before? Did you ever combine your money?” John asked.
“I didn’t really have any other serious boyfriends before Steve,” Gretchen said.
John found that really hard to believe. Gretchen picked up on his skepticism.
“Seriously, John. Steve was my first serious boyfriend. I dated in high school. I had fun, but it was never very real or long lasting. I scared all the guys away,” she said.
“Why on earth would anyone be scared of you?” he asked. Gretchen would prac
tically have to beat guys off with a stick to keep from having them ask her out constantly. She was beautiful, not to mention kind and funny. “Wait,” he said, “does this have something to do with your name? Gretchen…”
His voice trailed off. It frustrated him that she had such a problem with her name, but who was he to judge? He got to start over with a clean slate while she was still working on overcoming some of the difficult parts of her past. It wasn't John’s place to tell her how to react to her life.
“I know you don’t understand this. I told you how miserable I was growing up with my name. Millie dealt with it by reinventing herself and becoming more outgoing than she usually was. I…I just pushed people away so I didn’t have to hear them mocking me,” she said. “I know it’s petty that I cared so much, but I did. It wasn't until I left the small town I’d grown up in and went to college and realized nobody cared who I was or what my name was that I finally started putting myself out there again.”
“When did you meet Steve?” John asked.
“The beginning of my junior year.”
“And in two years you never once talked about money?” Was that normal? He didn’t know for sure. Two years seemed like a long time. But maybe that was because John really only had a few short months to gauge time by.
“We never really talked out about anything besides what parties we were going to and how his family’s business was doing, actually,” Gretchen said. “But Steve obviously never loved me, so I don’t think my relationship with him is a very good one to model. Besides, I don’t want to talk about Steve right now. I want to talk about your money. What do you want to do with it?”
“Would it be weird if I just gave it to you? Have you put it in your account?” he asked. “I’m really not that worried about it.”
Pacing in front of the couch, Gretchen thought. The way her slender hips bobbed back and forth as she walked worked to hypnotize him. The thin band of bare skin between the hem of her tank top and the top of her pants begged him to touch her. By the time Gretchen finally spoke again, he had completely forgotten what they were talking about.
“The problem is that you won’t be able to get to your money if you put it in my account because I can’t put you on my account without a name and all that,” she said. She was thinking about this very seriously, her teacher’s mind trying to solve the problem. Her determination made John smile.
He reached out and grabbed her waist, pulling her into his lap. “Why are you so concerned about this?” he asked. “We usually shop together or you give me cash beforehand. Why can’t we keep doing that? I like shopping with you. I can’t buy more than I can carry if I do go on my own since I can’t legally drive. Or if you’re really worried, just leave your debit card with me, or get a second one. Why does it matter so much?”
“Because, I don’t want you to feel like you have to rely on me for everything. I want you to know you could leave if you wanted to and you’ll be okay on your own,” she said quietly.
So that was it. Gretchen spoke about Steve rarely, but when she did she tried to do it in an offhand manner. John thought it was so he wouldn’t understand how much he had hurt her. John knew she loved him, but still she wanted him to know he had a way out. What did she fear? That he would leave?
“Gretchen, I don’t stay here because I need you,” he said. She opened her mouth to argue but he kissed her lips and stole her words away. “Even with a broken arm and leg I could have taken care of myself after those first couple weeks. It may not have been easy, but I could have done it.
“I stay here with you because I love you and want to be with you. I can’t tell you about my past or our future, but I want you to know that I am here with you because I want to be. There is no other reason for me to be with you except that I want to spend my life with you.”
John wanted to propose to her right there, in clothes he had slept in, without having brushed his teeth or hair, and with no ring to give her, but he didn’t. What he said had almost been a proposal. Wanting to spend his life with her was what marriage was, but he held back. John needed Gretchen to be sure all he wanted from her was her love before he asked her for anything more. John cradled her in his arms and let her think.
As he did, John’s thoughts drifted back to Gretchen’s original question, which he had at first misinterpreted. He didn’t really worry about the answer to the question she’d asked, only the one he thought she had been asking him. Despite holding back his proposal, John now knew exactly what he wanted to spend his money on.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Backing Off
Monday morning dawned the first real day of summer vacation for Gretchen. She’d had the weekend off, of course, but she always had weekends off. Monday, though, that was the beginning. She was glad to see it come.
Her first year of teaching hadn’t been nearly as bad as she’d expected. There had been some rowdy and delinquent students, some obnoxious parents, and an unexpected social hierarchy of teachers to muddle her way through, but overall, it hadn’t been that bad. Actually, Gretchen thought without everything that had happened outside of school, she might have looked back and thought the school year had been a breeze.
Gretchen had hoped to spend her first day of summer of exploring the canyon with John, but his call yesterday to his newest clients had pulled him away from her. With only two weeks to prepare, the Bernstadts wanted to get started right away. Gretchen missed John, but she was proud of him, too.
Wondering about what he had said the day before, about not needing her, had kept Gretchen up most of the night. She knew after his pain subsided he could go out, casts and all, and find a low-stress job he could do well. The casts wouldn’t have made it impossible for him to care for himself either. She hadn’t pressured him, because she wanted him to stay. She wanted him to need her.
If John needed her she could delude herself into believing he was only in her home so she could help him, not because she was falling in love with him. Now they had both admitted their love, but Gretchen still found it hard to let go of that desire to see him as helpless. She was afraid he would go out in the world and see there were other options. Steve had cast her aside so easily, leaving Gretchen to believe she wasn't worth his time.
That didn’t have to mean every man would look at her the same way. When she looked into John’s eyes, she saw a love in him Steve had never shown. It was hard to believe, not that he didn’t mean it, but that she deserved it. There seemed to be no way for Gretchen to see herself as John did, so she would just have to trust him and believe she was worth more to him than she had ever been to Steve.
So Gretchen was left sitting at the kitchen table, finishing the omelet John had made for her, trying to trust in him and decide what to do for the next hour until he got back.
Being summer break, Gretchen was itching to get outside. It was weeks ago that her mom had pulled her out to the front yard to talk about the two men in her life, using the flowers as an excuse. Gretchen couldn’t remember what her mom had called the flowers, but she did remember looking at them and thinking that they did, in fact, look a little sad.
Gretchen had done absolutely nothing to put her own personal stamp on the yard as she had in the house. Like John had as well. Gretchen smiled as she noticed how many things had changed. The kitchen, of course, was his domain now, but also the way the mail got stacked on the edge of the counter, under the key hooks, instead of on the table where Gretchen had always tossed it before. She had never before worried about taking her shoes off in the house, but John automatically slipped his off by the door and she found herself doing the same thing.
Yes, the inside of the house looked very different from the day she’d moved in, but the outside was as bland as ever. Dropping her dishes in the sink, Gretchen had the burning desire to change that. She wanted this to be their home, inside and out. She didn’t own a single tool related to gardening, but she could at least start making plans. Maybe she and John could go to the hardwa
re store when he got back.
Heading out into the already warm morning, Gretchen took stock of their unimaginative front yard. For the most part, it was grass. It ran from the edge of the sidewalk to the sad little flower beds up against the house. There were no bushes or trees or interesting designs. Just grass and wilted flowers. Anything they did to the yard would be an improvement.
“Is there a reason you’re standing here glaring at your flowers?”
Gretchen spun around and smiled. “Hey, Carl, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at work today?”
He looked over at the flowers, seeming nervous, which was odd coming from him. Gretchen hadn’t really talked to him since the party. He seemed to be avoiding her. The most she had seen of him was the day her parents left and he waved at her from his yard. Maybe that should have been fine with Gretchen now that John was in her life, but it wasn’t.
“Yeah, I should be, but I left some tools at the house and had to come back to get them.” Glancing at his work truck, he sighed. “I should probably get back.”
He turned, but Gretchen put her hand on his arm, stopping him immediately. “Wait, Carl, could we talk for a minute? If you’re not in too big of a hurry, that is. I don’t want you to get in trouble.”
Looking up at her, Gretchen saw his usual daring smile start to creep onto his lips, but it seemed muted now. “No, we can talk.”
Good. But what did she say? Gretchen wanted John. She loved him. She didn’t want to give up Carl, though. He was the only thing that kept her from falling apart when she moved out there, still hurt and angry because of Steve and completely overwhelmed with her new job. She couldn’t push him out of her life because she was dating someone. He didn’t deserve that.
So Gretchen said what she felt, and hoped it was the right thing.
“I’ve missed you over the last couple weeks.”
Carl’s smile brightened a little before sobering. “I wouldn’t think you’d even have time to miss me, what with everything you’ve got going on right now. Not with John around.”