by Maggie Way
“Maybe,” Gretchen said nervously.
It had been an interesting three days as far as the hotel situation went. Gretchen had not only avoided going swimming so far, she had also managed to make the sleeping arrangement problem a non-issue. The first night she and Desi went shopping downtown that evening, leaving Jake and John to hang out together, and didn’t get back until John was already half asleep in bed. The next night they went to a concert at Pope Joy Hall and Gretchen fell asleep in the car on the way back to the hotel.
There was the possibility that those two things had just been coincidences, but John had the feeling she and Desi had planned late night outings on purpose. It bothered him that Gretchen didn’t seem to trust him not to try something with her if she didn’t want him to. He just had to keep reminding himself of what she was trying to overcome to keep from getting too annoyed with her. She was trying.
As they made their way to the last exhibit, John felt a sudden determination to prove to Gretchen that she could trust him completely. Maybe it was the remnant of that memory, but John needed to know Gretchen wouldn’t forget him as easily as the memory woman had. John didn’t want to become a simple memory for Gretchen.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
The Same Chance
“Desi, I can’t go out in public wearing this,” Gretchen complained.
Rolling her eyes for what had to be the hundredth time, Desi went back to getting her own swimsuit on. “Gretchen, you look great. Quit whining about it,” she said. “Besides, it’s not like John hasn’t already seen more than that anyway, right?” Eyebrows raised in a hopeful question, Desi waited for her friend to respond.
Gretchen purposely made a point of not discussing sex with Desi. She was confident and adventurous, everything Gretchen wasn't when it came to sex. Steve did a good job of making sure of that. Knowing it was stupid to keep letting his skewed opinions of her rule her life didn’t really help her ignore them. Two years of his veiled insults were hard to forget.
“Are you seriously not going to answer me?” Desi asked. The exasperation in her voice was laughable.
Sighing, Gretchen decided to quit hiding from her. “No, Desi, he hasn’t. Okay? Are you happy? John has not seen me naked and I am incredibly nervous about him seeing me in this.”
“You guys have been living together for what, almost five months now, and you haven’t had sex?” Desi asked. “What is wrong with you two?”
“There’s nothing wrong with us, Desi. Not everybody is a free as you are. Some people believe in waiting.”
“John doesn’t believe in waiting. If he’s waiting, it’s because of you. It has to be. What else is he going to go off of?” Desi asked.
“So what? That means he respects my choices. I’m not ready,” Gretchen admitted.
“Why not?” Desi asked. “And if you say Steve, I’m going to throw you into the hallway without your bikini. You can’t use Steve as a crutch for the rest of your life, Gretchen. You have to get over it.”
“It’s not just Steve. It’s John, too.”
Tying her hair up into a bun, Desi turned to consider Gretchen. “What do you mean?” she asked. “John doesn’t treat you like Steve. At least it doesn’t seem that way.” Gretchen could see the questions and concerns forming in her eyes.
“No, Desi, that’s not what I mean.” Gretchen wasn’t even sure she knew what she meant. “There’s still a chance that John will get his memory back. So far he hasn’t said anything about remembering things, but there are times when he gets really quiet, like he isn’t there anymore. I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking about.
“He says he’s given up on ever finding out who he used to be, and he gets mad every time I bring it up now, but can someone really ever give up on something like that? I think he still misses the people he used to know. And sometimes he seems angry at them for not finding him. It makes me afraid to take things any further with him.”
“Gretchen, it’s probably going to take John a long time to truly let go of his past, but that doesn’t mean he should have to wait for his future,” Desi said. Crossing the room, she hugged Gretchen. “Look, I’m not saying you should sleep with him tonight, that’s for the two of you to decide, but I think you’re just going to push him away if he feels like he has to prove he has no interest in who he was.”
Grabbing a pair of towels off the bed, Desi handed one to Gretchen. “You can’t expect John to totally dismiss his feelings about his old life when you can’t do the same thing when it comes to Steve. John’s a good guy. The fact that he hasn’t pressured you shows he respects your feelings. You need to give him the same chance.”
Leaving it at that, Desi opened the door and stepped out, her towel over her arm as she walked confidently down the hall in her bikini and flip flops. Gretchen carried her friend’s words with her as she wrapped her towel around her body and scurried after her. For all Desi’s brazen attitudes, she was still an artist at heart, deep and thoughtful…and probably right.
Peeking through the glass door that led out to the pool, Gretchen saw Jake and John sitting at one of the tables. They appeared to be getting along pretty well despite the fact that they had almost nothing in common. Maybe Jake would keep John distracted long enough for her to get in the pool without him really seeing her bare skin.
“Out you go, Gigi-girl,” Desi said as she pushed Gretchen through the door. Desi knew how much Gretchen hated that name, but she just smiled winningly as she glided past her friend. She immediately caught Jake’s attention who took Desi in with a playful grin. To John’s credit, he immediately turned to look for Gretchen.
Tossing her towel down on the lounge chair next to the pool, Desi didn’t see Jake creep out of his chair and sneak up behind her. In one smooth motion, Jake swept her into his arms and cannon-balled into the pool. Desi screeched as they flew, but came up laughing. Gretchen shook her head at them and noticed John walking over to her.
Gretchen’s heart leapt into her throat as he approached. She still had her towel wrapped tightly around her body, but he didn’t comment on it. “So,” he said, “do you want me to throw you in, too?”
“I think I’ll pass,” she said.
John grinned. “Thank goodness. I don’t think I could manage anything as spectacular as that. Jake is a maniac.”
“He’s probably just got a lot of pent up energy after spending all day in museums and art galleries,” Gretchen said.
“What about you?” John asked. “Are you going to get in the pool or just stand here in your towel all night?”
Gretchen closed her eyes. It was finally that time. Those last two years of college when she was with Steve, she had worked out at the gym every day to keep him happy, but it was never enough. Every time she put on a swimming suit he had a few suggestions on what she should work on a little harder at the gym. John wasn't Steve. Opening her eyes, Gretchen nodded that she was ready, but she couldn’t seem to get her fingers to undo the towel.
John made it a little easier. Running his finger across the top of her towel, he found the spot where Gretchen had tucked in the corner to keep it tight. His fingers touched her bare skin as he untucked the corner, making her shiver in the warm summer air. John paused for a second then let the towel fall away from her as his hands slid down to her waist.
Gretchen couldn’t help it, her eyes closed in fear of seeing the same look of disappointment Steve had always worn. Trailing an icy tingle, John’s fingers moved down to Gretchen’s hips and pulled her against him. He leaned closer to Gretchen and whispered, “You look beautiful.”
His cheek brushed against her face as he brought his lips to hers. His kiss was soft and tender in the face of how tightly he was holding her. Looking up at him, Gretchen met his eyes and saw nothing of Steve in them. Love and desire filled him and washed over onto her. Gretchen would have preferred to give up on swimming and just stay in his arms, but a massive splash from Desi and Jake eventually broke them up and got them into the pool.
When they finally exhausted themselves, Gretchen had no more suggestions to do something else to keep her from having to face getting ready for bed with John. She simply let him lead her back to their room knowing she had to trust him. It was quiet as they both brushed their teeth and changed. Silence filled every square inch when she laid down in bed and felt John slip in next to her. One arm slid under Gretchen’s head and the other wrapped around her waist, pulling her body tight against his. Then he held her, and let her fall asleep in his arms.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Surprises
Neither of them really had the chance to notice when the high desert winds grew colder. It was one small change in the midst of their busy lives. A week into the new school year, one of Gretchen’s coworkers was diagnosed with cancer, leaving the rest of the staff to take over as much of her duties as they could. Gretchen was asked to lead her Gifted class two evenings a week, as well as take on mentoring a few of the at-risk students she had been working with. Barely making it through the first semester had Gretchen hoping the next one would be better.
All of that added to John’s growing catering business, which kept him busy most weekends, gave the two of them little time for anything else. John’s business was legally registered under Gretchen’s name since he couldn’t get a business license on his own, but she had virtually nothing to do with it aside from taste-testing his recipes. Which she loved doing.
The holidays flew past, barely giving them any break at all. Thanksgiving and Christmas gave Gretchen some time off, but John was twice as busy. They spent Thanksgiving with Carl, Desi, and Jake, but managed to sneak away for a few days to spend Christmas with her family. Even Millie and her husband made the trip home to meet John. It felt good to go back to her little hometown outside of Denver, but it didn’t feel like home to Gretchen anymore. Home was in New Mexico with John.
Along with the changes in their jobs, their relationship had been changing as well. Gretchen found herself thinking less and less about how Steve used to treat her and more about what she and John would be doing over the next few years. The topic of John’s past rarely came up anymore, but she still found him sitting quietly, thinking about…something, often enough. She didn’t know what to make of his occasional silences, but she trusted that in time he would either tell her what was bothering him or work through his thoughts on his own.
Finishing the front yard before school started was a feat that forced John to swallow his pride and ask Carl for help, but they had put on the finishing touches just in time. They already had plans for redoing the landscaping in the backyard when summer arrived. The den had turned into John’s office and was filled with carefully organized stacks of cookbooks containing his recipes. The spiral notebook Gretchen had given him in the hospital sat in the middle of his desk. It was completely filled with recipes, but it seemed to hold a place of honor there. John’s bedroom slowly became simply a place for his clothes as he spent more nights with Gretchen.
One thing that hadn’t changed between them, though, was sex. While Gretchen grew more comfortable with the idea as she put aside her insecurities, John continued to hold back. When they kissed, she could see the desire in his eyes, feel it emanating from him, but he always pulled back before things went very far. Gretchen had considered asking him if something was wrong a hundred times, but she never seemed to be able to get the words out.
He had given Gretchen the space she needed to deal with her fears for so long, she had to do the same for him. She tried to trust he would open up to her about whatever was worrying him, but when she saw him staring into empty space, alone with his thoughts, she worried something was wrong. Something about the way he was acting made her feel as though his holding back had nothing to do with her. She had no idea what else it would be about.
Then at other times, there wasn't even a hint of something troubling him. John would go weeks without looking gloomy at all. They would dance to the radio and snuggle up on the couch to watch a movie, or simply lay with each other on the grass in the backyard under the honeysuckle vines John had insisted on planting because they reminded him of her. Those were the days Gretchen felt life couldn’t possibly get any better for the two of them. They were happy and in love, and she felt confident that would be enough to get them through anything else that came their way.
Coming home from work on a Friday afternoon in January, Gretchen pulled up to the house and forced herself to push away her brooding thoughts. John wasn’t working over the weekend, which was a rare enough event to call it a special occasion, and she wanted to enjoy their time together. She walked through the door to find John waiting for her as usual. She dropped her bag as he leaned in for a kiss. Gretchen stayed in his arms a few extra seconds, letting his affection revive her after a long day. She honestly didn’t know how she would have survived the work week without John in her life.
“Hey, beautiful,” John said cheerfully when they finally separated, “you want to go out to La Plata Canyon tomorrow for a hike?”
“In the snow?” she asked.
“Jake lent me a couple pairs of snowshoes. He said the canyon is beautiful in the winter.”
Hiking in the snow was nothing new to Gretchen, being from Colorado, but she was surprised John wanted to go.
“I thought you would want to relax and hang around here this weekend. It’s the first weekend you haven’t worked in quite a while,” she said.
Grinning conspiratorially, John pulled Gretchen’s beanie off her head and tossed it onto one of the coat hooks. “I just feel like getting away from the kitchen, I guess.”
“Okay, if you want to go snowshoeing, then we’ll go. It’s actually a lot of fun.” Well, not everybody thought so, like Gretchen’s mom, but Gretchen certainly did.
John lifted her off the ground in a hug and kissed Gretchen again. No, she definitely couldn’t survive even a single day without him. His kisses melted away every care she had, plus he smelled like cinnamon rolls. Gretchen’s mouth watered at the scent. She loved John’s cinnamon rolls. They weren’t as good as his blueberry muffins, of course, but they were a close second.
“What has gotten into you?” Gretchen asked, laughing as he swept her up into his arms and plopped onto the couch with her. “You’re awfully chipper this afternoon. I would never be able to guess you didn’t get back until one o’clock last night from that birthday party you catered if I hadn’t been the one waiting up for you.”
“Waiting up for me?” John teased. “I came home to find you asleep on the couch with your hand in a bowl of popcorn. I’d hardly call that waiting up.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t get to sleep in every morning like you do.” Gretchen punctuated that with a kiss before rolling off his lap to reach for the TV remote on the coffee table. She switched it from the cooking channel to the science channel and turned back to John. “There’s going to be a ton of snow in the canyon. I wonder if we’ll be able to get up to the lake with the snowshoes.”
“Jake seemed to think we could. He said he went up last year in January and made it to the top of Kennebec Pass,” John said.
“I hope so. I’ve heard it’s beautiful in the snow. We’re supposed to get some snow here next week,” she said. Thinking of the cold seemed to make her more sensitive to the small drafts that blew through the old house. “Have you seen my sweater?”
“Yeah,” John said, his smile growing suspiciously big, “it’s by the side of the couch.”
She reached over the arm of the couch to grab it, expecting some kind of trick or surprise, but she saw only the big sweater that used to be John’s lying on top of the basket of throw blankets. Picking it up, she looked back at John questioningly. He tried to smother his smile, but failed miserably. Every time Gretchen looked over at him he was eyeing her like he knew something she didn’t.
“What’s going on with you today? You’re starting to creep me out,” she said. He was being really weird. He never acted like that. Pranks and su
rprises really weren’t his style. Desi and Jake, absolutely, but not John.
“Nothing,” he insisted. “I’m just excited to go hiking tomorrow. We never got to go up to the lake over the summer like you wanted to.”
Gretchen raised an eyebrow at him. “What are you planning? You’ve been hanging around Jake too much lately. That daredevil is a bad influence.”
“Jake has nothing to do with anything, and I’m going to tell him you said that,” John said. He wasn't grinning as much as before, but there was still that secretive glint in his eyes. If John was scheming, Gretchen had no doubt Desi and Jake were in on it. Desi loved surprises and Jake loved anything even remotely risky. Surprising Gretchen was definitely risky. She didn’t have a lot of fondness for surprises. Too many awful pranks during school gave her that. She was starting to regret saying yes to the hiking trip.
“What are you planning, John?”
He shrugged and kissed her. “You’ll have to wait and see,” he said.
Yes, she was definitely regretting saying yes to him.
Chapter Forty
Icy Serenity
Driving up La Plata canyon Saturday morning, John and Gretchen had their windows rolled down as they enjoyed the warm breezes. It was mid-January, but the day was beautiful, up in the sixties. Desi said this happened almost every year, a glimpse of spring weather in the dead of winter. Gretchen didn’t know what caused it, but it was a perfect day to be in the mountains enjoying the snowy wonderland. She felt at home in the mountains. Coming up to La Plata made her miss her childhood home a little less.
It was a slow climb up the canyon. Gretchen’s new SUV had pretty good clearance and snow chains, but it barely made it up Kennebec Pass. John pulled to the side near a sign that pointed to the trail leading to the lake. He still didn’t have an official driver’s license, but driving turned out to be one of those functional memories that jumped back out as soon as he tried putting it to use. Riding his bike around town just wasn't going to work, so he took Gretchen’s old car when she didn’t need it, despite her offer that he us the SUV to haul his supplies.