by Maggie Way
It meant “a man on a pilgrimage”. When John saw that meaning, he felt a connection to the simple name. A pilgrimage to Holy Land was specifically what the name meant, but there were many kinds of pilgrimages, and John felt as though he had been on one since waking up. His wasn't a search for religion, but for his place in the world. Discovering his passion for cooking and his love for Gretchen helped show John who he was, but he still felt there was more to learn.
He only hoped the incessant memories weren’t part of that knowledge.
“This is going to be ten times worse when it’s mine and Desi’s turn, isn’t it?” Jake said as he slipped into the kitchen.
John’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. “Yours and Desi’s turn?” he asked. “Are you actually thinking about proposing?”
Cheeks coloring, Jake glanced back toward the living room. “I love her, man.”
“Jake the Maniac has been captured by the siren Desiree Campbell,” John said with a chuckle. “If anyone could get you to settle down, it would be Desi. She’s nearly as crazy as you are.”
Squaring his shoulders in a show of machismo, Jake said, “Who said anything about settling down? I don’t think anyone or anything could tame Desi’s love of adventure. I wouldn’t want to either.”
“You two are quite the pair,” John said. “When will you do it?”
He shrugged, but he already looked excited about the prospect. “Not until after you guys get married for sure. She’s too wrapped up in helping Gretchen plan to even notice me half the time. I want her to be able to just focus on us when I ask her.”
Nodding, John was genuinely pleased to know Jake and Desi were going to get married. The first time he’d met Jake, the guy had seemed a little immature and wild, but as John got to know him he realized how untrue that was. Yes, he was adventurous and daring, but John thought that just came from his enthusiasm for life, not recklessness. He loved Desi and would do anything to protect her. They would be really happy together.
“Well, tell me before you pick out a ring,” John said. “I know which one she wants. She showed me when she helped me pick out Gretchen’s.”
Laughing at his girlfriend’s foresight, he shook his head. “Why doesn’t that surprise me?” he said. “Desi seems to know what I’m thinking and feeling before I do.”
“She’s a very intuitive woman,” John said. Desi’s voice grew louder as she towed Gretchen behind her toward the kitchen. “And speaking of…”
Jake snapped around, probably hoping Desi hadn’t overheard them talking. Judging by the look of irritation on her face and the way Gretchen was rolling her eyes at her, neither of the women had been paying any attention to them.
“John,” Desi said, “we need you to choose.” She held up several sample cards of flower arrangements. “I think you two should go with either the white roses or the orchids. But Gretchen wants the peonies or the pink tiger lilies.”
At first glance, John liked the delicate look of the orchids and tiger lilies. Stepping closer to the cards, he was about to voice his opinion when they disappeared. John found himself standing in a ballroom burgeoning with flowers. He might have thought he was in a garden if not for the pristine hardwood floors beneath his feet.
He couldn’t see the memory girl, but he could feel her hand on his arm. They stood staring at the empty hall, inspecting it. John’s lungs stopped working. He could feel his throat constricting at the sight. He knew what he was looking at, but refused to let his mind make the connection. Struggling to breathe, John scanned the flower arrangements on the tables. The huge peony blossoms formed the majority of a conical centerpiece on the table next to him, interspersed with pale, purple orchids, daisies, and baby’s breath. Calla lilies and tall springs of lavender dotted another table.
Her hand was still on his arm, but as he tried to study the flowers, the pressure changed. She shifted. She was turning toward him. Panic grabbed John and his head swam. He did not want to see her. Not this time. He closed his eyes, but not quickly enough to see the bunch of white roses in her hand. John had to squeeze his eyes shut and bite the inside of his cheek. Hard. A trickle of blood slid down the inside of his mouth, but the memory cleared.
Snapping his eyes open and shaking his head as if he had just been thinking very deeply, instead of holding off a panic attack, John pointed to the star-shaped, pink tiger lilies. “I like these ones the best. They’re not as traditional looking as the other ones. They’re unique, like you,” John said as he kissed Gretchen and hoped the compliment would distract her from his odd behavior.
She smiled, but the questioning tilt of her head said it hadn’t worked. Desi, however did what John could not.
“You two are impossible,” she said. “I come here to help and you ignore me every time I make a suggestion.”
Trying to slip out of the kitchen, John paused behind Desi and put a hand on her shoulder. “Now, you don’t really expect me to side with you over Gretchen, do you?”
She smiled back at him and laughed. “Okay, fine. Have the tiger lilies if you really want to for the bouquet, but there’s no way I’m agreeing to them for the centerpieces.”
And Gretchen was successfully distracted. The two women were arguing again, and John snuck out to the backyard to think.
The memories were coming so often he feared even thinking about the wedding at times. Every time the wedding plans were brought up, John felt the panic creep in. His mind was trying to tell him something important, but John was trying just as hard not to listen to it. His biggest fear was that this wasn't a fight he could win.
Chapter Forty-Six
Something
Sitting back on the floor of the living room with their plans spread out around them, Desi and Gretchen were slowly getting through the massive list of things to do in her planner. The flowers and seating charts weren’t what was bothering Gretchen, though. Desi got frustrated when she couldn’t decide between putting her Aunt Agnes next to her cousin Fred or her grandparents, but Gretchen wanted everything to be perfect.
John made choices in seconds.
It wasn't that she thought he didn’t care about planning the wedding as much as she did, it was that he seemed to be making his choices based on something Gretchen didn’t understand. Why the yellow fabric or the country dresses? Why the tiger lilies? Maybe he was just going with what he thought she would like best. But maybe there was something else behind it.
“Did you notice how John was acting when we asked him about the flowers?” Gretchen asked Desi.
Looking up from a bridal magazine, she paused as she considered the question. “What do you mean?”
“You didn’t notice how he closed his eyes and seemed to go stiff suddenly?” she asked.
She shrugged. “I just thought he was trying to picture the flowers or something.” But then she frowned. “He did look a little pale for a second there.”
“He acts weird every time I ask him about the wedding,” Gretchen said. “He makes a choice after only a few seconds of looking at whatever I’m asking him about.”
“Not everyone is as indecisive as you are,” Desi said. She flipped the page of her magazine and went back to studying it.
Putting a finger on the spine, Gretchen pushed it down. Desi looked up at her, a little annoyed, but willing to listen. “It’s different than just making a decision, Desi. He’s choosing the things he does for a reason. I just can’t figure out what it is.”
“What are you talking about, Gretchen?” For Desi, making a decision on the spot was the only way to make a decision. Gretchen had no doubt that as soon as Jake finally got up the courage to propose to her, their wedding would be completely planned in about fifteen minutes. John wasn't like that, though.
He thought things out completely before he made a decision. He spent three weeks researching surnames before settling on Palmer. The attention he gave to every component of one of his recipes bordered on obsession. He had planned the way he was going to propose to Gretche
n for four months. John very rarely made snap decisions. Now he seemed to be making them left and right. Something didn’t fit.
“Sometimes I’ll look over at John, or come into a room, and find him just staring blankly ahead,” Gretchen said. “He used to do it only every once in a while, but lately…it’s been happening more often. Mostly when I bring up the wedding.”
“He’s probably just a little stressed out right now,” she said. “He’s got, what, like four jobs over the next six weeks, plus his own wedding to cater. And the fact that he’ll have to trust his wedding to two people he’s only been working with for a few months is probably driving him nuts. We both know what a perfectionist he is when it comes to cooking. Who could blame him for spacing out every once in a while.”
It made sense…but it didn’t. Remembering how John was ready to jump out of his skin before proposing to Gretchen didn’t mesh with how he was acting now, not unless he was starting to think he had rushed into things too quickly. Maybe trying to get him recognized as a legal person, planning the wedding, and working were more craziness than he had expected.
“You don’t think he’s having second thoughts, do you?” Gretchen asked.
“John having seconds thoughts about marrying you? Absolutely not,” Desi said. “John is absolutely devoted to you.”
She was right there, too. Something was still bothering Gretchen. Then a thought occurred to her. “Do you think he found out about Carl?” she asked.
Through the sliding glass door in the corner of the living room they could both see John and Jake sitting in the patio chairs enjoying another semi-warm day that hinted spring was on its way. They talked and laughed as the girls watched them. It was nice to see them getting along so well. Jake was still John’s only real friend. Especially if you didn’t count the awkward truce he had with Carl, which Gretchen didn’t.
“If John found out about Carl, we would have heard about it. John wouldn’t have let Carl get away with that. He would have confronted him, and I doubt that would have ended well,” Desi said. “Besides, how would he have found out? You, me, and Carl are the only ones who know about it, and none of us would ever tell John.”
“Then what is it?” she asked, almost to herself.
Desi stared at the guys for a few more seconds before asking, “Have you talked to Carl since then?”
Carl, Gretchen thought with a sigh. “Not really, just in passing,” she said. “He’s trying to be supportive, but it’s obviously hard for him. It’s hard for me, too. I hate seeing him so sad.”
“There’s nothing you can do about it, Gretchen,” Desi reminded her.
Gretchen was committed to John, but still felt she had betrayed Carl. Every time she saw him she was reminded about how many hours he had spent befriending her, making her feel like she could live again. He deserved better.
“Do you want me to set him up with someone?” Desi asked.
“No,” Gretchen said quickly. Desi raised her eyebrows at her. Dropping her head into her hands, guilt washed over Gretchen.
“Am I the worst person in the world?” she asked. “Carl admits he’s in love with me, and yet he’s tried to still be a good friend to me. But what do I do for him? I tell you not to set him up with someone because it makes me jealous to think of him with another woman. I should want him to be happy.”
Scooting over to Gretchen, Desi put her arm around her friend’s shoulder. “You’re not a terrible person, Gigi-girl,” she said, “you’re just really screwed up.”
Gretchen couldn’t help but laugh. So did Desi.
“To be honest,” Gretchen said, “I doubt Carl would be ready to meet someone new right now anyway. Maybe we both just need some time to get over each other. If we even can.”
“Eventually you will,” Desi said. “And as for John, I think it’s just a lot for him to take in right now. Just imagine what it will be like if Jake ever asks me to marry him. That man is probably going to spend the whole engagement with a blank look on his face as he tries to figure out what he’s gotten himself into.”
Gretchen smiled at that comment. She was probably right about Jake, but Gretchen still wasn't convinced Desi was right about John. Something was bothering him. She just wished he would tell her what it was. She couldn’t imagine a single thing they couldn’t work out together.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Advice
Another two weeks of wedding plans and John was about to go insane. It was getting almost impossible to avoid the memories. After spending the weekend addressing invitations, his hand was cramped and his brain was numb. He could tell Gretchen knew something was up. She probably thought he was getting cold feet. Allowing her to think he regretted proposing to her wasn’t something John was happy about, but it was better than the alternative. Four more weeks. He just had to last four more weeks. It sounded simple, but John wasn't sure he could hold out. Would Gretchen really call things off if she found out about the memories?
Relaxing was what he would have liked to have done with no jobs that weekend to plan for, but relaxing was the furthest thing from his mind at the moment. Pacing back and forth in the living room was only making things worse. Gretchen had left for work a few moments ago and John knew he only had seconds before Carl did the same thing.
Carl. What was he thinking? It was by far the stupidest idea John had ever come up with. Unfortunately, it was also the only one that had a chance of helping him. Marching into the kitchen, he grabbed his cell phone off the table and dialed Carl. A flash of annoyance crossed John’s mind at the fact that Carl’s number was still in his phone from his help with the front yard, but he shoved it away. He needed Carl’s help.
“Hey, Gretchen. You misplace your phone again?” Carl said cheerfully, grating on John’s already fried nerves.
“Actually, this is John,” he said.
He could hear his sigh. “Oh. What did you need, John?”
John was really going to do this. He had to. “Carl, I know you’re getting ready for work, but could I come over for a few minutes?”
“Why?”
“I need your help with something,” he said. “It’s about Gretchen.”
Silence. “Fine. I’ll wait.” Then the line went dead.
John walked over to Carl’s house, feeling as though he were willingly walking to his death. Carl was in love with his fiancée, which, of course, made John really dislike him, but also made him the perfect person to tell him what to do. It was risky, though. He could tell Gretchen everything. He could ruin John’s life.
Raising his hand to knock, Carl opened the door before he could. “What’s this about?” he asked.
“Can I come in? I’d rather not talk about this on the front porch.”
Carl grunted but moved aside.
Stalking into the living room, Carl dropped into his recliner, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, staring at John as if he were contemplating stabbing him. Maybe he was. No, Carl was too nice for that. John hoped.
“You’re not leaving her, are you?” Carl asked.
“What? No,” John said quickly.
Carl relaxed, somewhat. “Good.”
“Really? I would think you’d be thrilled at that prospect,” John said. He knew he would be if the roles were reversed.
“She loves you. You leaving would hurt her, and I don’t want to see that happen,” Carl said. The sharp snap of his voice was incredibly intimidating, but his words also assured John that Carl was the right person to be talking to. “So what’s the problem then?” Carl asked.
“I’ve, uh…been keeping something from Gretchen,” John admitted.
Carl bristled again. “If you’re cheating on her, you won’t make it out of this house to do it again.”
John totally believed him. “It’s nothing like that, Carl. I promise.”
“Then what is it?” he demanded.
“I’m remembering things.”
Carl stared at John as he sank back into his chair. He se
emed to immediately know the implications of what John was saying. He didn’t smile like John thought he might, thinking it was his chance to steal Gretchen back. He sat there frowning as he thought.
“What kind of things are you remembering?” he asked.
“A woman.”
Carl nodded as if he expected the answer.
“I keep seeing her face. And when I see her, I know she loves me, and that I loved her,” John said. Carl listened quietly. “At first, it was just a few flashes here and there, but lately…it’s been happening a lot more. Every time the wedding comes up, I see her.”
“What are the memories about?” Carl asked.
That was the real lynchpin. Remembering things might be one thing, but what John was about to say next would determine whether Carl punched him in the face or tried to help him. John honestly had no idea which way it would go. The fact that he was willing to take the chance showed how desperate he was. He needed advice.
“The first couple times I saw her it was just random things like standing together or lying on a couch with her. Things Gretchen and I were doing at the time,” John said. “With the wedding plans, I see her picking out dresses and napkins and flowers, standing in a reception hall holding a bouquet.”
Running his hand through his hair, Carl looked up at the ceiling and shook his head slowly. John wanted to do the same thing. Instead, he said the hardest words he’d ever had to say.
“I think I was, or am, married to this other woman.”
Carl groaned and slammed his fist into the armrest of his recliner, startling John. He just sat there for a few moments, staring at the floor. John’s knee shook as he waited for Carl to respond to him. Every second felt like another dagger in John’s heart. What was he going to say?
“Why are you telling me this?” Carl asked. It wasn't a demanding question, but more of a plea. No doubt he wanted to use this against John, run and tell Gretchen, convince her to leave him, but Carl also loved Gretchen deeply and wouldn’t want to see her hurt. If he thought she would be hurt either way, would he go with the path that led Gretchen back into his arms?