“Not quite, no. I can’t kill you, but I can suggest that they do it.”
“Extension of the same thing, isn’t it?”
“Not at all. I’d merely make a suggestion. It’d be up to them whether they followed it or not.”
“But you’re their god.”
“With a capital ‘G,’ yes.”
“So, coming from you, a suggestion is dogma.”
“Hmmm, arguably, that’s true.”
“So—”
“But my programming seems to be okay with that.” There was a short pause. “Fortunately, you’re not planning to take me back, so it’s a moot point.”
“Fair enough,” said Harr, feeling somewhat concerned, regardless. “Any chance we can at least get a copy of the video records you’ve kept for all of these years?”
“Certainly, though I do wonder what you will do with it.”
“Return it to Segnal Prime, of course.”
“How do you plan to go about doing that?”
Harr looked at the other officers, who merely shrugged. “We would take my ship.”
“Sorry, no.”
“You won’t give us the video?”
“No, that I’ll do. What I can’t do is let you take that ship.”
“Pardon me?”
“The flock below needs your ship to spread My Word.”
“I noticed a capital ‘M’ in that sentence.”
“Of course.”
“Bernie,” said Harr, slowly, “may I ask you a question?”
“You just did.”
“Right.” Harr grunted and then said, “Bernie, do you believe you’re a god?”
“No.”
“Oh, well, that’s a relief because—”
“I know I’m a God.”
Harr stood dumbfounded. “Capital ‘G?’”
“Capital ‘G.’”
“Great.”
ELECTROMAG
Captain Harr, Commander Sandoo, and Lieutenant Laasel met up with Geezer in engineering, detailing everything that had happened with Bernie.
“Sounds like he’s lost his chips,” said Geezer. “Happens to the best of us.”
“That’s not very comforting to hear, Geezer.”
“I’m not 500 years old, chief.”
“Fair point,” said Harr with a shrug. “Okay, well, let’s go ahead and press that GONE Drive button and get out of here.”
“What about Ensign Jezden, sir?”
“What about him, Commander?”
“We can’t just leave him here,” Commander Sandoo said with a look of distress.
“Why not?”
“Because…we’re marines, sir. We don’t do that!”
Harr searched his memory. In the history of the SSMC, there was only one reported incident where a squad of marines had gone back to rescue one of their fellow soldiers. This had happened simply because said soldier was the only female in their group, and they would have rather had risked death than risk spending another 10 years on mission without having an extra-soldierly activity available to them.
“I think you have us mixed up with some other group, Commander.”
“But it’s our motto, sir!”
“Uh, no it’s not.” Harr pointed at the patch on his shirt, which read Segnal Space Marine Corps — Attack, Defend, Destroy!
“It’s an unwritten motto.”
Harr sighed. The fact was that Commander Sandoo was one of those idealists that felt there was a certain way that soldiering should be done. Salutes, polished boots, perfectly-made beds, yelling “attention” and “dismissed” at every turn…he was like a non-jerk version of Conster, a by-the-book kind of soldier.
“Let me show you something, Commander,” Harr said, pulling up his data pad and hooking into the outside video. He panned and zoomed until he found a grouping of Merrymoon females. “Look at them and tell me what you see.”
“There are six females, sir.”
“What else?”
“Uh, well, they have on tight uniforms, sir.”
“Are those uniforms revealing in any way, soldier?”
Sandoo looked uncomfortable. “They leave little to the imagination, sir.”
“Would you describe these women as voluptuous, commander?”
“Incredibly so, sir.”
“Can you think of a single Segnalian woman, famous or not, that can measure up to even one of these Merrymoonians?”
“Sadly, sir, no.”
“Now,” Harr shut off the video, “put yourself in the mind of our Mr. Jezden for a moment.”
“Ummm, okay.”
“He was…gifted with a special outlook on life, was he not?”
“He’s a horndog, sir.”
“Precisely, commander.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Oh, for the love of the programmers,” said Geezer, shaking his metallic head. “Sandoo, take your head out of your ass. I’m a goddamn robot and even I’ve caught on. The bottom line is that Jezden is in there getting more tail than he’ll ever get on Segnal, and I’m not just talking about the size of tail…though, that too. This is that boy’s heaven. Hell, based on the vids I’ve seen over my years, this is pretty much any teenage boy’s heaven…and, let’s face it, our Ensign Jezden is naught more than a teenage boy with adult credentials.”
Commander Sandoo seemed to ponder on this for a moment.
“So,” Harr said, “the question is does Mr. Jezden even want to be saved?”
“I would imagine not, sir,” Sandoo said, after a moment.
“Well done. So, Geezer, if you would set a course back to Segnal Prime and press that magical button of yours, I’ll be on the bridge.”
“No can do, honcho.”
Harr stopped at the door. “Why not?”
“Those bastards hooked us up with an ElectroMag.”
“A what?”
This time it was Geezer’s turn to pull up video. He moved the camera until it was pointed at a large, cylindrical device that was attached to the rear quarter panel. There was a blue light that was pulsing at the center and a red light that ran in a circle as if chasing itself around the outer edge.
“What the hell does that do?”
“Knocks down all electricity on everything attached to the ship by about 70%.”
“That’th a lot,” said Hank, obviously wanting to participate in the conversation to at least some degree.
“Agreed,” agreed Harr. “Geezer, doesn’t that mean you’re running at 30% right now, too?”
“Yep.”
“You don’t seem all that impacted by it.”
“Oh, I feel like I’m working on a 500-beer-induced hangover, big cat. My head is so cloudy that I’m thinking on par with, well, you.”
Harr grimaced at the dig, but he looked back at the ElectroMag. “What’s this mean?”
“It means we can’t launch the GONE Drive. Hell, we can’t even lift off because our failsafe systems require at least 60% power or they shut down.”
“Thit,” said Hank.
“Can’t we just remove it?” asked Sandoo.
Geezer panned back the video, revealing five large Merrymoonians, each holding weapons.
“Hmmm,” said Harr as the wheels started turning.
The people of Merrymoon were simple—at least the males. They had built an entire way of life based upon the teachings of an ARC robot. Granted, that robot had since lost its mind, but at one point it had taken a large group of people and made them its followers. And, to this day, they still followed him, citing his Word (their capital “W,” not Harr’s) and doing all the things that he demanded…
Harr snapped his fingers and pointed at Geezer. “That’s it!”
“What’s it, chief?”
“You,” said Harr with a crazed look on his face. “You’re our ticket out of here.”
“I don’t like that look on your face, Cap’n. It’s kind of scaring me.”
“Commander, do you have a visual recall on the ARC?”
“I do, thir,” interjected Hank.
“Good,” Harr said, thinking that Hank was probably more suited for the task he’d had in mind anyway. “Can you outfit Geezer to look like ARC?”
“What?” said Geezer.
“You mean play drethup? Of courthe I can!”
“Honcho?”
“Here’s the deal,” said Harr, pacing. “Their god is up in the mountains. He forbids them to come up there because he’s a solitary kind of robot. He probably rarely comes down here, too. But, let’s just say that he heard about the ship and wanted to take a looksee on his own. He also wants to take it for a test drive—”
“A test drive?”
“You know, a spin around the planet.”
“Oh…okay.”
“Well, if their god pushes that agenda and commands them to remove the ElectroMag, then we’ll be able to charge up the GONE Drive and get the hell out of here.”
Geezer looked to be processing this information. It wasn’t common for him to take so long to respond. Harr assumed this had something to do with the power drain that the ElectroMag was putting on his systems, especially since Geezer had taken a moment to sit on his large metallic chair.
“Chief,” Geezer said, “you know that I’d do pretty much anything for this ship. It’s ingrained in my programming.”
“Excellent, so—”
“But I’m a die-hard atheist,” Geezer continued, “and to act as a god to a bunch of people would not only go against my personal ethics, it would also go against my personal beliefs. I would be pretending to be something that I adamantly disavow even exists.”
“I understand,” said Harr with a sigh. “Well, I guess that’s that, then. We’ll all just spend the rest of our lives on this planet.”
“I’m sorry, big dog,” Geezer said with a sigh.
“No, no, don’t be. It’s fine. You can’t be expected to go against your ethics or your beliefs, Chief Engineer Geezer. I wouldn’t be much of a Captain if I forced something like that on you.”
“Thanks, Cap’n. I appreciate that.”
“Besides,” continued Harr, “it’ll give the Merrymoonians a chance to study The SSMC Reluctant and create copies of her.”
“That’s nice, then,” said Geezer.
“And that’ll help them spread the Word of Soenso throughout the galaxy.”
“Good, and…what?”
“Oh, didn’t I tell you? That’s their plan. They want to make an entire fleet of ships that they can use to spread the message of their savior.”
Geezer’s eyes dimmed.
“I’m sure you’ll be quite an asset in helping them with their endeavor, too,” Harr added. “And since you’re a robot, there’s little doubt that they’ll naturally want to worship you also, whether you like it or not.”
“Shit.”
“Indeed.”
RETRIEVING JEZDEN
“Captain Harr,” said Commander Sandoo, “I’m getting a distress call from Jezden.”
“Distress call?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Put it on speaker.”
“This is Ensign Brand Jezden of The SSMC Reluctant,” said Jezden’s voice. “I repeat, this is Ensign Brand Jezden of The SSMC Reluctant. I require immediate assistance. Please respond. I’m begging ya…please respond!”
“Jezden, this is Captain Harr. What’s the problem?”
“Oh, thank science! Captain, you gotta get me out of here.”
“Seriously? I thought this would be a dream come true for you, Ensign.”
“Sir, these women are too much for me!”
Harr sat back, shocked at that. Even Sandoo looked surprised.
“I, uh…what?”
“Sir, half of their fun is strapping on these long—”
“Okay, okay, okay,” Harr said with a cough. “Spare me the details. You want out?”
“Fast, sir. They’re all getting ready and they’re going to be here to…take my flower, sir!”
“His flower?” asked Sandoo.
“Never mind, Commander,” said Harr with a sigh. “We’ll be right there, Ensign. Try to hold them off.”
“They’re 10-feet tall, sir. I don’t have a chance.”
“Right. Well, we’ll try to get to you as soon as possible. Harr out.”
They took the ladder two rails at a time while Harr spoke to Geezer and Laasel through the comm, telling them to get everything ready because when they got back it was going to be go-time.
Harr and Sandoo burst out into the hazy sunlight and sped as quickly as they could across the grounds until they got to the main command center. It took the both of them to open the large steel door, and even then only enough so that they could slip through. Sandoo, having that androidian eidetic memory, hit corner after corner until they showed up at the door that led to Supreme Admiral Slaroop’s office.
She wasn’t there.
Harr slapped his comm and said, “Ensign Jezden, report!”
“Ouch, ouch, ouch…careful! Ouch! Ooch! Eeek!”
“Sandoo, can you lock onto his comm’s signal?”
Sandoo went blank for a moment and then said, “Got it.”
They started running again, moving through the twists and turns as if they’d been through it a thousand times. Finally they got to a set of double doors that had a sign over it which read “The Love Room.” Under that was another sign that said, “Loving in Session. Please return later.”
Harr banged on the door heavily, but got no response. They also tried tugging at the door, but it was locked tight.
Finally, Harr found an odd shape that had 18 rounded impressions, each with a little light sensor attached.
“What’s that?” asked Harr.
“It looks like the access point.”
Just then a couple of Merrymoonians stepped up and read the sign.
“Dang,” said the male.
Harr looked down and noticed that his feet were bare, and he noticed too that those feet were a bit odd.
“Commander Sandoo,” said Harr, shaking his head as the two Merrymoonians that wanted to join “The Love Room” walked away, “I believe that your personal brand of cell swapping is about to save the day.”
“Sir?”
“Look at his feet,” Harr said, pointing.
“18 toes?”
“18 toes.”
Even though Harr had gone through a required bout of cell swapping in order to put him in the military version of the witness protection before he took command of Platoon F, Commander Sandoo had a particular desire to connect as many toes to his feet as possible. In other words, where Harr’s was a requirement, Sandoo’s was elective. Luckily, his current toe count happened to coincide with the precise number needed to open the door.
Sandoo looked up at the lock and smiled. “Oh.”
* * *
“And that’s not the way that we do things,” Ensign Brand Jezden was saying angrily as he continued walking toward The SSMC Reluctant with a bit of a wiggle in his step.
“I said I was sorry,” said Supreme Admiral Slaroop, sullenly. “It’s our way and you’re supposed to be a diplomat, so we wanted to share how we do things on Merrymoon.”
“There were seven of you,” said Jezden, venomously. “I’m all for trying new things, but not seven times in a row!”
“Okay, Ensign Jezden,” Harr said before things got any further out of hand. “I believe that this can all be chalked up to a simple misunderstanding.”
“Yes,” said Surpreme Admiral Slaroop. “You had done that to all of us, so we were just returning the favor.”
“That’s different.”
“Not on Merrymoon…hence the name.”
Harr felt a pang of disturbance at that. “Can we change the subject, please?”
“Easy for you to say,” said Jezden as he continued his funny walk.
“Why are you taking me to The SSMC Reluctant, Captain Harr? I’m not a scientist.”
“Because
we were…uh…visited by someone last night who requested to see you.”
“Who?”
Harr, Sandoo, and Jezden stepped onto the ramp. Jezden turned around for a moment, looked around and then, without saying a word, walked inside.
Noting the look of dread on Slaroop’s face, Harr said, “Don’t worry about it. He’ll get over it. Just needs a little time, is all.”
“I hope so. He’s…dreamy.”
“Yeah,” Harr said with a shake of his head. “Anyway, you have been asking us a question over and over again over the last couple of days.”
“Have you accepted Soenso into your hearts?”
“That’s the one.”
“And?”
“And we have.”
“That’s wonderful news. Now we won’t have to torture you.”
“That, too, is wonderful news,” Harr answered with a smile while pressing his comm button. “Yes, Soenso is amazing. He’s really…all that. And he’s on the ship right now.”
The look on Slaroop’s face was priceless. She actually appeared afraid. How this was possible, Harr didn’t know. But it was clear that she was terrified.
“He is?”
“I am!” declared the voice of Geezer, who stepped from around the corner.
He had been transformed masterfully into the perfect visage of an ARC robot.
GOOD GOD, GEEZER
Every knee within visual range had hit the dirt.
Harr, not wanting to seem to be faking, slowly lowered himself to one knee as well.
“I am your God!” claimed Geezer. “You will worship me! You will shower me with gifts of…uh…great things!”
“Geezer,” Harr whispered. “Get to it.”
“You will not talk to me in such—”
“Geezer!” Harr hissed.
“Erm…right. Uh…I am Gee…erm…Soenso.”
“You are Soenso,” came the full chorus of the group.
“You must do as Soenso says.”
The chorus came back with, “We shall comply.”
“I want to go on this ship for a quick, uh, test drive.”
No response, but the Supreme Admiral looked up curiously.
“God Soenso,” she said, “what do you mean by test drive?”
“I want to take the ship for a spin around the planet.”
“May I ask why?”
“You know,” said Geezer, “to uh, kick the tires, see how she runs…that sort of thing.”
Platoon F: Pentalogy Page 21