“Yes, sir,” Harr answered. “I guess what I’m asking, sir…is this really a mission that warrants a special operations team?”
“It’s a mission that requires The SSMC Reluctant and her GONE Drive, Captain. At current, Platoon F, with you at the helm, of course, are the masters of this ship. So, unless you would like to request a transfer to a ship that is relegated to using the tracks system instead…” He paused, lifting his eyebrows questioningly at Harr.
Harr sagged. “No, sir.”
“Excellent,” the Rear Admiral said, clapping his hands together and rubbing them vigorously. “I shall have my things brought over straightaway and we’ll get the show on the road, as they say.”
“Excuse me, sir? Your things?”
“Yes, Captain. I’ll be joining you on this mission.”
“You…what?”
“Don’t worry, Captain, I will not be acting in a managerial role while here. I shall be here purely as a diplomat. Now, with that, I do have ample input into all major decisions, but The Reluctant and its crew will remain under your command. You have my word.”
“But you’re a Rear Admiral, sir.”
Parfait pulled out his datapad, sped his fingers across it for a moment, and then turned it toward Harr. It read:
Rear Admiral Stanley Parfait, unable to hold both rank of Senior Diplomat and Rear Admiral at the same time, due to regulation 983.4 of the Segnal Space Marine Corps Rules of Command, shall temporarily resign his post as Rear Admiral and assume the post of Senior Diplomat. This shift in title, and the duties included therein, shall take effect immediately after the departure of The SSMC Reluctant on its mission entitled, “Earthlings.” It should be noted that the Rear Admiral had requested the temporary rank of Senior Rear Diplomat, but said request was declined.
Harr wanted to groan, but instead forced himself to say, “Excellent, sir. It will be a pleasure to have you aboard.”
“Yes,” said Parfait, happily, “being in The Reluctant will be a breath…” he sniffed in again, “of fresh air.”
“Indeed, sir.”
“Will I be bunking with you, Captain?”
“What? Oh, uh, no, sir. I’m sure Commander Sandoo here will find you a suitable room of your own.”
“Oh, right. Well, fine then.” Parfait started walking purposefully toward the ladder that led to the lower levels of the ship. “I’d like to leave tonight, Captain. Please have everyone and everything ready by, say, 1900 hours.”
Captain Harr’s shoulders fell again. “Aye, aye, sir.”
AN ANDROID COMBINED
The android known as Lieutenant Leesal Laasel had been programmed to suffer with multiple personalities. Harr assumed that this was done to make her seem more normal when the androids had been created. This was because nobody was supposed to know that they were androids, including themselves. But the actual result of the quirky programming was that it made her life very challenging and it made interactions with her trying at times.
At her request, and with the help of Geezer, she had been molded into a single personality that was supposed to have been comprised with the best parts of her three personas.
Harr had everyone on the bridge, including Parfait, to discuss this change so that there would be no confusion among the crew. Geezer was the last to arrive, taking a special access lift that could manage his weight and bulk while also allowing him to slowly unroll the extension cord that kept him connected to the main power supply.
“As you all know, we’re going to be leaving in approximately two hours on a diplomatic mission to a place we’re calling Earth. I’m not precisely certain what our role will be, but I’m hopeful that it will have something to do with simply acting as escort.”
“That sounds perfect,” Parfait chimed in.
“No…I mean…never mind. Anyway, I’m sure we’ll adapt as necessary. We always do.”
All the androids were smiling, clearly taking the compliment as intended.
“Now, for the real reason I’ve gathered you all together,” Harr said, and then put his arm on the lieutenant’s shoulder. “I’m sure everyone is aware that our Lieutenant Laasel has suffered through some challenges since being…well, created. She was originally coded to have multiple personalities. Working with Geezer, they have rectified this issue, combining all three personalities into one.”
“Kind of, chief,” announced Geezer. “I mean, not exactly.”
“Pardon?”
“Well, ya see, we needed to use electroshock therapy to hook up the relays and such properly. I couldn’t just snap in and code away because they had too many blocks on things.”
“Isn’t that the therapy they used like 200 years ago on mental patients?”
“Exactly, honcho. Funny thing is that it worked perfectly since she had been designed to be a mental patient. Unlike the historical documents I’d read when studying options, this time it actually worked.”
“Interesting,” said Harr.
“There was a bit of a problem with one of the personalities, though. Gravity Plahdoo.”
“What’s the problem?”
“She’s kinda dead.”
“Shit,” said Ensign Brand Jezden, the android on staff who had been programmed to be highly sexual in nature, which, as it turned out, made for the perfect counterpart for the Gravity Plahdoo personality.
“How do you mean, dead?”
Geezer shifted uncomfortably. “Her base needs are still somewhat there. In other words, there’s the part of her that still enjoys sex and such.”
“Whew,” Jezden said.
“But?” said Harr.
“But she’s not outwardly available. No voice. No control. No power. Nothing.”
“Well, that’s unfortunate.”
“Not really,” said the lieutenant, who hadn’t spoken since the change had been made. “We weren’t really fond of her, thir.”
Harr had noted the lisp on the word, “sir,” signaling that the Hank personality was speaking.
“Anyway, prime,” continued Geezer, “the combo turned out to be Leesal and Hank. Most of the speech patterns will be Leesal, as well as the studiousness and the ability to act under pressure, but the cleverness and forward-thinking capabilities that Hank possess are in as equal measure, too.”
“I see,” said Harr, hoping he did. “It sounds like you’ve turned Lieutenant Laasel—”
“Lieutenant Moon, thir.”
“What’s that?”
“We drew straws and the name Hank Moon won. That’s how we would like to be addressed from now on.”
“So, no more Leesal Laasel?”
“Not in name, thir.”
“Lieutenant Hank Moon, then?”
Hank nodded, happily.
“All right,” said Harr with a nod. “Everyone put that in your memory banks. Are there any questions?”
Ensign Jezden raised his hand.
“Anyone?” said Harr, ignoring Jezden. “Anyone at all? Oh, fine, go on, Jezden.”
“Are we still going to do the boom boom in the closet?”
“Thounds good to me,” said Hank.
“Ew. Never mind.”
“You have a closet specifically set aside for boom boom, Captain?” asked Parfait hopefully.
“Uh, not exactly, sir. Actually, I believe the discussion of, um, boom boom is prohibited on the bridge.”
“No, it’s not, sir,” said Commander Sandoo. “It’s perfectly legal.”
“Well, on this ship, being that it’s my ship, I’m going to go ahead an prohibit the discussion of boom boom on the bridge.”
“Duly noted, sir,” affirmed Sandoo. “And the punishment for those partaking in such diatribes?”
“I don’t know…uh…”
“How about an hour in the boom boom closet?” said Parfait.
“What? No. I’d say maybe a dock in pay or something. I’ll leave it to you to figure it out, Commander.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Right, we
ll, with that settled, I’d suggest we all get everything set and ready for departure.”
GONE 2.0
After the meeting broke, Harr sat with Commander Sandoo to make sure everything was squared away.
“…yes, sir,” Sandoo was saying, “we have enough rations to last a year, but seeing that it’s really just you and Rear Admiral Parfait that would be partaking, it’s more like 10 years.”
“That’s good,” said Harr, “and note that as soon as we exit space dock, his title is Senior Diplomat Parfait.”
“Noted, sir. We’ve also lightened our weapons load a fair bit from the last mission. We’re now outfitted with basic ship-to-ship missiles and a few shakers. My estimation is that we should be fine, but if you—”
“No, no. I’m with you. That’ll be plenty to keep us safe, I’m sure.”
“Yes, sir,” Sandoo studied his pad again. “Oh, yes, I was sure to station Mr. Parfait in the bunk farthest from your quarters.”
“Thank you for that, Commander.”
“Just trying to keep the peace, sir.”
“Wise thinking,” said Harr, and then asked, “how far exactly will that be from the, uh, boom boom closet?”
“It’s ten doors down, sir. And, sir, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to put in a dock on your pay for one credit since we’re not supposed to talk about that particular subject on the bridge. Captain’s orders, sir.”
Harr sighed. “Right.”
“Anything else, sir?”
“Not right now, Commander. Excellent work as always.”
“Thank you, sir.”
Harr stepped off the bridge and headed down to main engineering. After the fiasco that made up their last mission, he wanted to ensure that Geezer had knocked all of the kinks out of the GONE Drive. While it was an exceptional piece of technology, Harr had no interest in ending up inside of a neutron star.
As he cut the corner, he found Lieutenant Moon was sitting in Geezer’s chair with a few electrodes attached to his…her…their?…head. Moon was a dark-skinned beauty with large breasts and rounded, well, everything. She was a complete knockout. The problem was that now she was a he, sort of, but she still looked like a she.
Harr shrugged. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” was a way of life in the Segnal Space Marine Corps. Even though that didn’t quite fit the situation with the lieutenant, Harr decided to think of the situation in those terms.
“How goes it in here?” he asked as he finally approached the two.
“Good, chief,” said Geezer. “Just finishing up another round of shocks here. Trying to pin everything down, ya know?”
“Not really, but I’ll take your word for it.”
“It’s very liberating, thir,” said the lieutenant.
“I’m glad you’re happy with the outcome, Hank.” Harr couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable. “Would you prefer I called you Lieutenant Moon, Hank, or just Moon? I mean, I don’t know the protocol here.”
“It’s okay, thir. I don’t want anyone to suffer any undo thtreth over my situation. Feel free to call me Hank or Lieutenant Moon, I would say.”
“That works,” answered Harr, noting that Hank’s lisp was nowhere near as bad as it used to be. “Anyway, again, I’m just happy that you’re happy.”
“Thank you, thir. And thanks for the support.”
“You bet.” Harr then moved to change the subject. “Geezer, have you worked out all of the kinks in the GONE Drive? I really don’t want The Reluctant to be put in any odd situations again.”
“I’ve made a number of tweaks, Cap’n.”
“Tested tweaks?”
“No, but they’ll work…I think.”
“Great.”
“I’ve tightened up the main algorithms, cleared out some of the math issues I was having, and I’ve figured out a way to pinpoint which dot we’ll end up hitting.”
“So no more guessing on that front. That’s good, at least.”
“Yep. Main thing was just having to work through Tagooky’s mistakes. I think it was pretty major that he stated as fact that there were only two particles when it’s damn sure obvious that there are far more than that.”
“You should consider writing a paper on the subject, Geezer.”
“Gonna wait until I work out the kinks, first.”
“Right.”
“Anyway, chief, the bottom line is that I have 100% certainty this time that we will hit the coordinates that we select. Not a doubt in my mind.”
Harr nodded. “Better than the 50/50 level of confidence you had the first time we used the device.”
“Much better. Plus, I’ve also got it hooked up with double-redundancy power controllers so we don’t have to go about killing me every time the thing is out of juice and we’re in a hurry to run. Basically, it’ll hold enough of a charge to jump us 25 times before needing a recharge. On top of that, it’ll be charging itself in-between, so we could conceivably jump an unlimited number of times without having to wait. That, of course, assumes we don’t just jump and jump and jump without delay.”
The device had many more wires hanging off of it than it had last time Harr had seen it. There was also a nice silver etching that read “GONE Drive 2.0” on the side.
He smiled briefly. “Well, that’s great news. Everything else is set on propulsion and such?”
“All checked out. Your boy, Sandoo, was here earlier going through verifications with me.”
“Ah,yes. I just finished speaking with him myself.”
Geezer removed the final electrode from Lieutenant Moon and he stood up a bit shakily.
“You okay, Hank?”
“Just takes a minute or two to get my bearings after the shocks, thir.”
“Well, take your time. As soon as you’re ready, we’ll get this show on the road. I’ll need you at the helm to take us off station before we activate the GONE Drive.”
“Two-point-oh, prime.”
“Indeed.”
WHAT TIME IS IT?
The SSMC Reluctant pulled out of space dock without a fuss. Station Command noted that it was the best non-track departure they’d seen in years. Considering that The Reluctant was the only ship actually capable of non-track departures, this came as little surprise. Harr assumed that they were comparing this particular launch with others that The Reluctant had made.
Station Command had been correct, though. It was a very smooth launch. Ever since Lieutenant Moon had merged all personalities into one, things had fallen together quite nicely.
Mr. Parfait had joined them on the bridge to enjoy the exit from space dock. He was asking questions, telling inappropriate stories, and touching people. The moment Harr’s ship decoupled from the decks he felt a sigh of relief knowing that Parfait was, at least temporarily, not his CO.
“Mr. Parfait,” said Harr in a commanding voice, “if you would please take the chair over by Commander Sandoo, I would appreciate it.”
“Hmmm? I’m okay, Captain. Thank you, though.”
“Mr. Parfait, that was an order.”
Ohhhh, that felt good.
“Oooh,” said Parfait, wiggling his eyebrows while giving Harr a look that he couldn’t quite understand. “Yes, sir, and with haste, too.”
Ohhhh, that felt dirty.
“Right,” said Harr. “Everyone, listen up. We’re going to be using the GONE Drive again. Now, Geezer has made some adjustments…”—there was a general groan—“…that he insists will make things go much more smoothly than last time. Regardless, I want every one to be on their toes.”
They all got to down to business—except for Parfait, who just kept slapping the arms of his chair while saying, “This is so exciting!”
Harr pressed the comm. “Geezer, we’ve got the ship locked up. Ready when you are.”
“All set down here, chief. I’m guessing a 60-second count is still out of the question.”
“It is, and it always will be. Please set the normal protocol to three seconds.”
&n
bsp; “Oh, all right. T-Minus 3…2…1…”
The crew were instantly scanning their screens and doing calculations. Harr wanted to give them a couple of seconds to gather data before pressing them.
“Did it happen already?” asked Parfait.
“Yes, sir.”
“I didn’t feel a thing.”
“No, sir. It was odd for us the first go around too, but eventually you get used to it.”
“Used to what?”
“Exactly, sir.”
“Oh.”
“Helm,” said Harr, returning his attention the task at hand, “have we arrived at our destination?”
“We’re in the right spot, thir,” said Lieutenant Moon, “but something is definitely different.”
“Meaning?”
“Well, the farm that was here last time is kind of an empty field now. It looks like it’s snowing, too.”
“Maybe their seasons change quickly on this, uh…what was it you called it, sir?”
“Earth,” answered Parfait.
“Right, Earth.”
“That could be, thir, but my scans are showing nothing. Last time we were here there were things about.”
“Could that be caused by the rotation of the planet?”
“Ah, that makes sense.” Hank did a couple of calculations and then said, “Your theory has been confirmed, sir. We are on the other side of the planet.”
And that’s when Harr decided that Geezer needed to be involved with the conversation.
“Geezer?”
“I know, I know…”
“You know what?”
“Oh, you don’t know?”
“I may know, but I’d rather you told me just to be sure.”
There was a pause.
“Geezer?”
Geezer sighed digitally. “Okay, prime, I’ve got us at the proper coordinates and all that, right?”
“That’s what I’m being told, yes.”
“But, well, my adjustments caused another issue that I didn’t see coming.”
“Go on.”
“Okay. When you connect the Multiproportionate Hangdoogler to the output of the Origin Cluster, you end up with a more accurate reading. But, it seems, you also end up with a bit of staggering of the data, if you’re not careful.”
Platoon F: Pentalogy Page 23