With My Whole Heart

by MariaLisa deMora

  “What are the identification numbers? I can pull them up and answer any questions you might have.” Sarah sounded so certain, so sure of herself. Jaime glanced at Nate again and caught him looking at her.

  “I don’t have that with me. The folder I mean. It’s at home. But I had a question.” She didn’t want to turn her back on Nate, but also didn’t want him to overhear her. Reaching up, she cupped her hand over the speaker, hoping to stay quiet enough that he couldn’t hear. “The couples? It doesn’t say gender? On the profile?” She knew she sounded like a hick, ending every sentence with an uptick in her voice like it was a question, but she couldn’t help it. “You know? What gender they are?”

  “No, the profiles don’t have that information. We like to match people without making sexual orientation a big deal. If you have issues with gay or lesbian couples, you should have mentioned that before, Jaime.” Now Sarah sounded disappointed, and Jaime rushed to reassure her.

  “No, I don’t have any problems with gays. I just wondered. It would be…my brother is gay. He and his partner haven’t talked about children, not with me or the family, but I know they’d need to do this, or adoption. I thought it would be kind of paying it forward if one of these couples were gay.” Jaime chewed on the inside of her cheek, waiting for Sarah’s response. She hadn’t put her brother’s sexual orientation down on any of the answers, but none of the questions had come straight out and asked.

  “I think that’s admirable, Jaime.” Sarah’s voice was soft, like she was touched by what Jaime had said. “All the right reasons. Do you remember anything about the two profiles? I could try to look them up.”

  “I’ll go over them again when I get home. The next step is the interview, right? So, either way, if they don’t like me, or if I don’t like them, we can go back to the list?” Jaime knew this already, but she wanted confirmation that nothing had changed.

  “Exactly right, Jaime. We do a video interview, so it’s low pressure on both sides. Give me a call as soon as you’re ready to do that. We’ll get moving and start the process. I’m glad you called. I’m always willing to answer whatever questions you have.” Sarah paused, then said, “Goodbye, Jaime.”

  “Bye, Sarah.” Carefully, noting her hand shook, Jaime put the handset back into its cradle. She was still for a moment, staring down, thinking about the impact this one decision would have on so many lives. Her and Nate, the parents, the child. A touch on her hip, so familiar she didn’t even have to look around to know it was Nate. “Yeah, honey?”

  “Who was that?” Jaime twisted her neck, looking at him. “On the phone just now, who did you call?”

  Crap. She wasn’t ready to talk about this with anyone yet, not just yet, and the first person would not be her nine-year-old son. “A lady who is helping me with something.” Jaime glanced at the table, seeing the books now tidily stacked to one side. “Did you get finished, or just need more books?”

  “I’m finished. What’s she helping you with?” Nate’s eyes didn’t waver. He stared at her with an intensity that was nearly frightening.

  Direct was probably the best idea right now, so she asked, “What do you want to know, Nate? What are you asking about?”

  “Are you sick?” Jaime watched as Nate’s lips flattened, and his jaw got tight. Crap. This was something he seriously worried about.

  “No, I’m not sick.” At least that’s true, she thought. “Why do you think so?”

  “Because you don’t eat much, and you had blood tests, and then I saw an envelope you left on the counter. It was from a clinic, Mom.” Pulling in a breath, he leaned against her side, ducking his chin. “I don’t want you to lie to me. If you’re sick, just tell me.”

  “Nate. No, honey.” She squatted, putting one knee on the floor. “I’m not sick. I don’t eat much because I’m not hungry much.” Okay, that’s a lie. But, hopefully he won’t call me on it. “I donated plasma again. That’s the bandage you saw on my arm. And the envelope from the clinic was to give me good results on a couple of tests they ran. Good results, honey. Nothing bad. I promise.”

  “Why’d they run tests if you aren’t sick?” Nate avoided looking into her face until she reached out, cupping his chin in her palm. “Clinics don’t just run tests, Mom.”

  “You’re right,” she said, and shook her head. “I’m kind of applying for a job. They needed to make sure I wasn’t sick and didn’t know it. So they did some testing. The envelope you saw was the results, which were all good, Nate. Nothing bad, honey. I just didn’t want to say anything until I know for sure if I can do the job or not.” She paused, and he stared at her, expression serious. “I promise you, once I find out for certain, you’ll be one of the first people I tell.”

  “Okay.” Nate nodded, and her hand moved with his chin. He kept his eyes locked to hers, and said, “I’m glad.” He squinted, and she realized it was to try and hold back tears when he said, “I was worried.”

  “I see that now, Nate. I’m sorry you worried. You should always, always ask me when you aren’t sure about something. That’s the only way we can make sure we stay on the same page.” She squeezed his chin, and then moved her hand to rest on his shoulder. “We’re a team, right?”

  “Yes, ma’am. We sure are.” One corner of his mouth curled up, and he asked, “Can you help me carry the books back up? I’m ready to go.”

  “You betcha,” she returned, standing. Ruffling his hair with her fingertips, she told him, “Let’s get this done and we can catch the bus. Get our behinds home faster. I’m thinkin’ waffles tonight.”

  “Waffles are good.” Back at the table, he piled the lion’s share of books into one stack and wrapped his arms around it, lifting the heavy burden with a grunt. “If you—” He hefted the books a little, adjusting his grip. “—can carry those—” Nate jerked his chin towards the three books left on the table, and finished, “I can get these.”

  Jaime waited for him to turn away before letting her grin escape. My little man.

  ***

  Can’t put it off any longer, she thought, nervously smoothing her damp palms down her pants. “It’s not like they can see me. They can’t see me looking at their information. Can’t see me making a decision.” Taking a deep breath, she picked up the folder and walked to the kitchenette, pulling out a chair. Standing for a moment, she laid the folder on the table, and then sat down in a rush, her bottom thumping solidly on the seat. “I’ve already looked through them. I’m not sure why this is so different.” Jaime rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Annnnd, I’m talking to myself.”

  Glancing over, she made sure that Nate’s door was closed, then lay one palm flat on the folder. Let me make the right choice, she prayed, and opened the folder. At the top of the pile were the two profiles that had drawn her interest the first time she went through the paperwork.

  She took her time, reading through each piece of information. Both couples had compelling stories, written to engage the prospective carrier or surrogate, but Jaime found herself circling back to the same one, again and again. A couple looking for an egg donor also willing to be the surrogate.

  Loving. Caring. Stable relationship. Supportive family and friends. Successful professional and a stay-at-home parent with a five-year-old child from a previous surrogate arrangement, wanting to add to their family unit. As impersonal as the description was, the language made her believe that this was something this couple wanted very much. They’d been down this road before, finding a match only to have it fall apart, and eventually getting the baby they desired. Now, knowing the ropes, they were tackling the system again, hoping against hope to bring another baby home.

  She read it again.

  Loving. Caring.

  They knew the odds, knew the cost and risks, and still were willing to brave the stream.

  This is it. She lay the paper on top of the pile and gently closed the folder. This is right.

  ***

  Next morning, after getting Nate to school, she transfe
rred busses with the folder in hand and continued on, arriving at the clinic just as they opened. The receptionist smiled at Jaime and waved her up to the window as she worked the lock to slide it open. Jaime told her, “I don’t have an appointment or anything, but I wanted to leave a note for Sarah.”

  “You found a good match?” The woman reached for the folder and plucked it from Jaime’s suddenly numb fingers. “This one?” Lifting the top sheet of paper free, she lay it to the side, looking at the identification number in the top corner. “Let me just take a peek.” Fingers moving over the keyboard, she pulled up information on her computer screen, comparing it to the profile sheet. “Oh, perfect. They have not yet been matched.” Picking up the phone, she dialed and then spoke, “Jaime Grimes is here. She’s interested in the…” She lowered her voice so Jaime couldn’t make out the words. A moment later she nodded, then said, “I’ll send her right back.” Fingers to the button underneath the counter, she pointed at the now-unlocked door with her other hand.

  Seated in the chair beside Sarah’s desk moments later, Jaime watched as the printer spat out paper after paper, forms and releases that Sarah had her sign. Grinning at Jaime, Sarah said, “This is nearly my favorite part. Introducing you to the parents.” Leaning back, she turned the screen around so Jaime could see the pictures. “Next to watching them take their baby home, that’s my favorite.”

  Jaime had stopped listening, gaze locked on the screen as she scanned the features of the couple in the picture gallery. The woman was blond, nearly as blond as Jaime, with light-colored eyes, while the man had dark hair and eyes. They were nearly the same height; he was slightly taller than his wife when they were standing side-by-side, and in front of them was a gorgeous little boy with dark hair. He looked so much like the man it had to be his son.

  Sarah had kept talking, and Jaime tried to tune back in on what she was saying, not making sense out of the words for a moment. “…accident, and for her it is medical, so they need both donors. The intent was to have the same donors as last time, but the egg donor who helped with little Samuel is no longer available. We still have access to the sperm donor so the children will be half-siblings, biologically. Your physical makeup is exactly what they hoped to find. They’ve already greenlighted you in the hopes you’d select their profile, so they are ready to meet you as soon as you can.”

  “That’s not his child?” Jaime flicked her glance at Sarah, then back at the screen. “What happened?” She shook her head, wishing she could take back the question. “Never mind, it doesn’t matter. They look so happy, and the little boy looks like him, that’s all. So they want to do a video chat soon?”

  “They’d actually like to meet you, but we’ll begin with a video, yes. Jaime, I’ve been working with you for nearly two months, and you’ve been able to clearly articulate your thoughts on being a carrier or surrogate. I don’t have any hesitation letting you meet them. For most of the parents, they’ve been through so much, we don’t allow contact until after all the contracts are filed and we’ve started the first cycle. I just won’t put them through more heartache.” Sarah tipped her head to the side, smiling softly. “For you, the only concern I still have is that you haven’t talked about telling your son yet, and we’ll want to make sure he understands what this means. Nine is an impressionable age, so we’ll want him to understand that Mom’s not giving away his little brother or sister.”

  Jaime grinned at her knees. “Nate is not like that. He’s…” She lifted her eyes and looked Sarah in the face, trying to find language to explain without raising more questions. “…very mature for his age. I will talk to him soon. It just didn’t feel really real before now.” She gazed at the pictures on the screen showing the little family standing, then sitting in a grinning group at a picnic table, an image of the mom in a kitchen, one showing the dad riding a bike, and a final one of their little boy climbing on a backyard jungle gym. “It’s real now.”

  Jaime and Sarah were moving to a small conference room when Sarah got called away for something in the office. She pointed to the door and turned away, leaving Jaime to go in by herself. Inside was a table with a half dozen chairs and a phone, while against the wall was a large screen. Jaime sat in one of the chairs and leaned forwards, palms resting lightly on her thighs. Blinking fast, she was near tears, thinking about those pictures. Imagining that could be Jacob and Trent with a child. It’s a good thing, she told herself again, and laughed, because she honestly didn’t need any more reassurance. Seeing the faces had made it real. The device on the table beeped, lights flashing red and green, and on the screen she saw a notice that said, “Calling.” Pulling the round speaker towards her, she accidently brushed the button to accept the call, and then the video resolved to a view of a kitchen.

  No one was in frame, but off screen she heard a woman ask, “Do I look all right, Cooper? I’m so nervous. Why am I so nervous to meet her?”

  A man’s voice answered, laughter in his tone, “You look perfect, Marie. Pretty as a picture. I promise you, this momma is gonna love you.”

  They’re talking about me, she marveled, realizing they were as anxious as she was. The door opened and Sarah bustled through, calling out, “Perfect, we’re already connected. Ready to go, Thompsons?”

  “I am,” Cooper called, and Marie laughed when he said, “Marie’s a little camera shy today.”

  Then Jaime was staring at the screen as a widely smiling woman came into view, her husband’s hand on her hip. She and Marie could have been sisters. Wow, she thought.

  “Wow,” Marie said, her voice breathy, and Jaime laughed.

  “I was just thinking that.” And with that, the ice was broken, and Jaime found herself in a friendly if inquisitive conversation without any awkward silences, where the back and forth was effortless. It felt real and right, and that was what she told the couple just before Sarah disconnected. “This feels right.”

  Marie reached over and laid her hand on Cooper’s arm, and he covered her fingers with his own hand. “It really does. I can’t wait to meet you, Jaime. We’ll see you Monday.”

  “See you Monday.”

  The screen went dark, but Jaime didn’t turn. After a few moments, Sarah laughed and said from the door as she pulled it closed behind her, “I’ll give you a minute.”

  Cooper had a bike accident that rendered him infertile. That was when he was in his early twenties, just before he had married Marie. Marie had polycystic ovarian syndrome, and had undergone many rounds of unsuccessful treatments to try and conceive, and then carry a baby. Finally, nearly seven years ago, they had started down the path of surrogacy. The story Marie told was practiced and polished, but the pain they’d suffered to build their family was plain. Two matches that fell through before they found an egg donor and a gestational carrier that they were comfortable with. The sperm came from Cooper’s brother, which explained the familial resemblance. Instead of looking for another egg donor, the current plan was to use one of Jaime’s eggs.

  Is this the right thing to do?

  The black screen didn’t give her any answers.

  It feels right.

  At some point this had gone beyond Jaime thinking about the money, and now it was a chance to help Cooper and Marie create the family they deserved.

  Chapter Five

  This would be her third phone call of the morning, and Jaime was anticipating making this one with excitement rather than trepidation. Explaining the process to her mom and dad had gone well, once they got over the initial shock of her announcement. Fortunately, both had accepted her reasons at face value, not digging any deeper.

  She knew the conversation with Jacob would go a bit differently. She also knew he would get it, every aspect of her decision, and prayed he would support her. She didn’t have any reason to think differently. He had always been the one guy she could count on. Leaning against the tiny kitchen table, she waited for the ringing phone call to connect.

  “My baby sister! Is everything okay?” Hear
ing Jacob’s voice always made her smile.

  “Everything is perfect. I just wanted to call and chat.” That alone would be enough to tell him it was an important conversation, because she never just called and chatted unless it was the end of the month and she had a bunch of minutes left.

  “Okaay.” He dragged out the word, making every sound a communication of caution. Yup, he picked up on that. “What do you wanna chat about?” He sounded reserved, and she cast her mind back to the last time she’d heard this tone from him. It had been right after Brice died, when she’d been struggling with everything. A single soon-to-be mother who had lost the love of her life. If he were flashing back to those days, it was no wonder he was treading carefully. “James, you sure everything is okay? Is Nate okay?”

  “Nate is perfect.” She rushed to reassure him, hoping the smile on her face sounded in her voice. I love that nickname. “The school is so good for him, Jakey, you’d love it. He loves it, and the classes are pushing him. In a good way, you know? It’s crazy to see my fourth grader lugging around a high school English composition book. Crazier still to see him working on extra credit stuff, just because he’s so excited about whatever it is they’re studying. I don’t understand half of it, but I don’t have to. He’s got more in his head than I’ll ever have. God, I’m so proud of him.” She pushed off the table and walked to the couch, sitting on the middle cushion so she could swing her legs up and lie back, relaxing into the soft furniture with a sigh. “See, things are good.”

  “Then what do you wanna chat about?” He revised his previous question, and she grinned at his persistence. That’s my Jakey.

  “Have you and Trent ever considered expanding your family?” Trent was Jacob’s long-term partner, his husband. They’d been together as a committed couple since before Nate was born. Jaime loved Trent like a brother and loved how her brother was with him.