With My Whole Heart

by MariaLisa deMora

  “You can’t believe that, Con.” Jaime shook her head, denying his words with every fiber of her being. “You can’t know if you’d been there what the outcome would have been.”

  “I can’t know it wouldn’t have saved him.” He was silent for a moment, then repeated his words, “I can’t know that, Jaime.”

  “Nothing can answer that question. Like I can’t know if I’d been in the car with Brice, would he have died still? If I’d been there, would we have even been on the road right then? Was me not being there what cost Nate his daddy?” Close to tears, Jaime knew it showed in her voice, the sound of grief something she’d had in her head for so long. “But I can’t know that I wouldn’t have died, too. We can’t go down that path, Con. It’s not healthy.”

  “I don’t want to think of you dying, Jaime.” Gruff and rough, he sounded near tears, too. “Nate and you are too vital to think of being gone.”

  “And so are you. You can’t let it eat you up. But when anniversaries roll around, like Brice’s death, it’s hard not to second-guess everything. I think it’s these times when having someone to talk to can make a difference.” She swallowed hard, holding herself together by a hair, then said, “Thank you for being that person for me today, Connor. Thank you.”

  Chapter Nine

  Connor

  “No, Dad, it’s not that.” Connor shook his head as he tried to fit the oversized wrench to the bolt holding the tranny cover on the back of the tractor. He’d come out to the family farm in Sugarglide, Arkansas, about two hours north and west of Memphis. Since neither he nor Cooper wanted to work the land, in recent years they’d talked their parents into leasing off most of it, but the old man kept about a hundred acres in rice around the old home place. That was where they were today, in a big barn behind the home where the boys had grown up.

  “Well, then you should tell me what it is like, because so far all you can say is it’s not like this or that or the other.” A second wrench tapped Connor’s shoulder. “Middle bolt is metric. No idea why they’d do it that way. Doesn’t make sense.”

  “No. It doesn’t make sense. I didn’t even want to meet her. You heard me talk about it. I thought Coop was crazy, wanting to get to know the gestational carrier the first time. But at least they did an anonymous egg.” Connor took the wrench, quickly backing the bolt out of the hole and setting it in the metal bowl beside him. “But if you heard her. She’s just…I don’t know, Pa. I catch myself thinking about her, wondering what she’d think about whatever it is I’m doing. By the time school’s out, I can’t get to a phone fast enough. She’s not the kind of woman I’d go for. Coop and Cole, yeah. Not me. She’s petite… No, scratch that.” He reached into the opening and found the sensor wire that had broken, following it by feel back to where it attached to the transmission. “She’s small. Not tall, and way too fuc—flogging thin.” By habit, he still self-edited his language around his parents. “But her heart is way bigger than you could ever imagine. And how she is with her boy? She’s the kind of woman any man would want to mother his kids.”

  “You’re thinking kids already? You even had her on a date?” His dad laughed. “And I meant it didn’t make any sense why they’d use both metric and standard on this made-in-America tractor.” A wire with a connector dangled in front of Connor’s face. “Here’s the sensor.”

  Focused on what his hands were doing, Connor dropped the thread of the conversation. As they were reassembling the cover, his dad picked it back up.

  “When I met your mother, you want to know the first thought that flew through my head?” Connor turned to look at his dad as they gathered the tools from the blanket he’d laid on the ground. Without waiting for an answer, his dad said, “That she’d be a good momma. I’d gone to the fair in Memphis, was walking through the livestock barn and there was a little girl who’d fallen, scraped her knee. City people walked on past, but your mom came up and crouched down, wiped at it with the hem of her shirt, bent close to blow air across it. Told the little girl, ‘Don’t cry, sweetheart.’ I thought she knew the girl, but the parents came by right after that, and they thanked Judy. Thanked her for taking care of a stranger.

  “I walked up and introduced myself, took her hand. I told her it was sweet what she’d done. She blushed, tried to tell me it was something anyone would do. I knew different because there were at least a dozen folks who walked past. I tucked her hand into the bend of my elbow and strolled the rest of the livestock barns with her. Then I took her to dinner. Wouldn’t take any answer other than yes from her. Had to get to know her, and when I did, I knew I was right. From the minute my eyes landed on that woman, I knew. The first time she said my name, and us surrounded by the smell of cows and chickens, I knew. The setting didn’t matter, the woman did.” He leaned close, gripping Connor’s arm. “Listen to your heart, son. You’ll know if she’s something you want to explore. Ignore the situation. Don’t let circumstance rob you of joy. We are not guaranteed another day. Don’t let this one pass by. Listen to your heart. It won’t lead you wrong.”

  ***

  Jaime

  “No, I understand. Thank you.” Jaime took a shaky breath. “Yes, I’ll be there tomorrow morning at nine.”

  Day four and only one of the eggs was viable. Shit.

  She was staring at the screen of her phone when it rang in her hand, startling her so she jumped. The display said, Connor calling. Glancing at the time, she saw it was just after two. Too early for school to be out. He’d called every evening this week, just checking on her, but that was normally between the end of school and beginning of his high school practice. He made her think, and laugh, and after they hung up, she’d catch herself sighing and staring at the phone, wishing they’d had longer to talk.

  Wondering what he wanted, she slid her thumb across the screen, accepting the call. “Hey, Connor.”

  “Jaime, you okay?” The concern in his voice was surprising, and his tone was warm and tender, like he had been the night of the procedure.

  Taking a guess, she asked, “Marie got a call, too?”

  She heard him blow out a hard breath, then he said softly, “Yeah.”

  “Is she okay? They said one was still dividing, so I’m going in the morning in case it’s still cooking along.” She swallowed. “I hate that the others didn’t work.”

  “You do realize that nobody’s going to be upset at you, right?” He sounded frustrated now. She knew he was busy. “Jaim?”

  “I know. And I’m okay. I’ll be there in the morning with high hopes in my heart.”

  Clearly her tone didn’t fool him, because Connor said, “I’m on my way to your place already, should be there in five minutes. Want me to pick up anything?”

  Jaime looked around at the tables, books, stacks, and other patrons, a big grin on her face. “I’m…uh…not home.”

  “Where are you?” Now he sounded super frustrated, and if he’d left his job so he could come console his brother’s surrogate, she wasn’t surprised he’d be irritated. Then the idea that he would be driven to console his brother’s surrogate echoed in her head, and she blinked furiously. That’s all I am, she reminded herself. Connor interrupted her thoughts, saying, “I’ll come to you.”

  “I’m just getting a couple of things for Nate.” She nodded at the volunteer as she took her card back and slid the resource books across the counter. Nate had reserved several last week. She put them into her bag, stacking them in one at a time. Surprised at the weight, she grunted when she picked it up. The books were heavier than she expected.

  “What was that? Are you okay?”

  “Connor.” She laughed at his tone, filled with an unaccustomed concern. “I’ve fully recovered. I’m just at the library. Nate needed some books for homework this week.”

  “Are you at Hooks? That’s even closer. I’m on Union now.” He sounded distracted and she heard a car’s horn through the phone. “Just turned onto Poplar. Wait for me.”

  “There’s a bus stop lit
erally right outside, Connor.” She couldn’t deny that she wanted to see him again. She knew she’d slept through much of the time he’d been with her Monday, but after she ate the soup, the three of them had played card games, laughing and chatting until it was Nate’s bedtime. Now it was Friday, and he said he was coming to her. “But if you were seriously close by, I wouldn’t turn down a ride. These books are heavy.”

  He chuckled, and she smiled at the sound. “I’ll be in the parking lot when you get out there. Want me to stay on the phone?”

  Rolling her eyes, she shook her head. “I think I can walk outside by myself. See you in a couple of minutes, Connor.”

  “Turning the corner now. Walk fast, Jaim.” With that, the call disconnected and she blew out the breath that had gotten stuck in her chest at the soft, intimate tone his voice had taken there at the end. All in your mind, woman.

  By the time she made it to the parking lot, he was out of the truck and leaning against the fender on the passenger side. Bare arms crossed on his chest, his boots were firmly planted on the asphalt. She did a double take. Boots. Puzzled, she took in his clothing as she approached. Jeans, western belt, cowboy boots, and a T-shirt didn’t scream teacher and coach. “Hey, Connor. You taking the day off?”

  He nodded as he reached out to take the bag and she was somewhat piqued when he lifted it off her already aching shoulder without any effort. It’s heavy, dang it.

  “Yeah, I spent the morning helping my dad with some equipment on the farm.” One hand holding the truck door open for her, he waited until she was settled to place the bag of books by her feet. “I’d planned to make it back in time for lunch, was going to call you and see if you wanted to join me.” Not a date, she told herself, listening to him and thinking, Just two people who needed to eat. “Then Coop called and I decided the joining was no longer optional.” He leaned across her and she heard the click of her seatbelt, realizing he had just buckled her into the truck while she stared at him with her mouth open. “Lucky for me, I was right here. And here you are.” He stayed close, face near hers when he asked, “You okay?”

  She pressed her lips together for a moment before answering, then told him honestly. “I’m sad. I’m afraid that I’ll get there tomorrow and they’ll tell me we need to start the cycle again. I want this for Marie and Cooper, so I’m sad for them, not me.”

  He didn’t move, and she had an up-close view of how his already dark brown eyes grew hooded when he looked at her mouth. “It’ll be okay.” His gaze traveled up her face until it reached her eyes, then he said, “We do another cycle, I’ll be there with you. It’ll be okay.”

  The concentration with which he stared at her was unnerving. Terrifying. As if he saw past the person she let everyone else see, and inside her. She cast around for something to say, running his words back through her head, trying to find something not terrifying to catch hold of. “So…lunch?” Book fumes in the library must have made me stupid. “I mean, you haven’t had lunch yet? It’s late.”

  Connor blinked, and when his eyes opened again, the intensity was dialed back. Not gone, but subdued, as if he realized how he’d frightened her with his words and gaze. Instead of answering her, he asked his own question. “What time does Nate’s school let out?” He stepped away, saying, “Hold that thought.” He shut her door and quickly rounded the hood of the truck, then climbed in beside her. “What time?”

  “He gets home just after three.” She pulled out her phone to look at the time. “I’ve got plenty of time to get home, especially if I’m not taking the bus.”

  “What time does he get out of class?” Truck started, Connor then pulled onto the road, traveling away from her apartment and towards Nate’s school.

  “Two thirty. Why?” She twisted to look behind them. “This is the wrong way.”

  “We can pick up Nate and do dinner instead.” Connor stated this as if it were a given, something she should have already known.

  “What?” Why am I always confused around him? “I can’t do dinner.”

  “What?” Now he was the one sounding confused. “Why?” His voice dropped an octave, and carried a menacing growl when he asked, “Do you have a date?”

  “What? No!” She pressed her palms against her cheeks, huffing out a breath. “Let’s back up a minute to where I was at the library and had my whole day planned out. That’s where I am. I can’t seem to keep up, Connor. Tell me what you’re doing here.”

  “I wanted to take you out to eat. I’m too late for lunch, so I figured we’d do dinner. I know you have Nate, and if we pick him up, we can all sit down together.” Stated like that, it sounded so plausible, she found herself nodding along with him.

  “He’ll have homework.” Connor made a turn, then another one and she realized even if she hadn’t told him what school Nate went to, he was driving directly towards the campus. “How do you know where we’re going?”

  “Nate told me.” Connor glanced at her for a long moment, then faced front, turning on the blinker and steering the truck into a parking lot. He glided the vehicle to a halt and put the transmission in park, then turned to her. With one arm propped on the steering wheel and one on the back of the seat, it seemed like he took up a lot of room and she found herself moving back from him. They stared at each other for a moment, then he pulled in a deep breath.

  “Here’s where I am, Jaime. When I saw you at Nate’s first practice, I liked you.” One corner of his mouth quirked up. “I surely liked what I saw. Liked how you were with your boy, and your spunk when you talked to me.” His tongue slipped out, trailing across his bottom lip. “Nothing about you was lost on me, and I liked what I saw.” The emphasis was unmistakable, and Jaime felt a blush begin to creep up her neck to her cheeks.

  Connor shook his head. “Then, when I found out who you were, I was prepared to not like you. I don’t have a reason. I’m an asshole sometimes.” He snorted. “Marie’d tell you I’m stupid, too. I was prepared to not like you, but I couldn’t unlike you.” He kept his gaze on her, steady and weighted with an emotion she didn’t understand. “I thought about you all the time. Wondering how you were dealing with everything. I knew parts of what was going on in your life, and that bugged me. After meeting you, I hoped I’d see you at the clinic and in preparation for that, I talked to Coop. That’s when I found out Marie liked you. She thinks if you two had met somewhere in the natural course of life, you’d be friends. Like your friendship is bigger than the surrogate thing. I like that she likes you, because I like Marie. She’s the little sister I never had.”

  She wanted to be able to look at him without craning her neck, so she unbuckled and turned to face him. When she moved, he paused talking for a moment and shifted in the seat, but other than a quick flick down and up her body, his gaze didn’t stray from her face. This meant something to him. Something beyond what she understood. “Monday, at the clinic I got handed a chance at being something you needed. I didn’t turn that chance down. I wanted to get to know you, to see if there was something under the you I liked. And there is, Jaime. There’s more to like.”

  He shook his head. “I can’t explain what’s in my head right now. I just know, with my whole heart, that I want to get to know you better. I can’t say I’ve ever felt that way about a woman before. This feels fast. Fuck, this feels like I’m in hyperdrive. That’s one of the reasons I went out to help Dad today. He’s got a way of talking through the bullshit. I laid it out for him, because me liking my brother’s surrogate is not something I expected. Wanna know what he told me?”

  She nodded, waiting. Everything he had said so far hadn’t made her more scared; instead, it settled her. Knowing he felt the same connection she did was comforting. I’m not in this alone.

  “Listen to your heart.” Connor shook his head. “My old man’s smart. Jaime, my heart says I want to get to know you. Today. I don’t want to wait. I’m not a kid and I might coach there, but this isn’t high school, I’m not into playing games. I like you. I wanted to
have lunch, but then it took longer to get his tractor’s PTO reassembled, which leaves the option of dinner.” He paused and took a breath. “Would you go to dinner with me?” He smiled crookedly. “Fair warning, I’m not taking no for an answer.”

  “Can we eat at home? Nate will have homework.” He smiled at her quickly stated willingness to acquiesce, and looked like the cat that got the cream.

  “It’s Friday. He’s got all weekend to do his homework.”

  She shook her head. “I have to be at the clinic early in the morning, and since it’s a weekend, he’ll have to go with me. Then tomorrow afternoon is basketball. That only leaves Sunday, and I try to make sure he does something age-appropriate at least once a week. Sunday is blanket forts and movies day. The normal homework doesn’t take him any time to complete, but his tutor challenges him. That’s Mr. Paterson. He’s the principal, and he’s the one who insisted on the testing. He knows what Nate is capable of, or will be capable of, as long as we keep him focused. So tonight is homework.”

  With a smile, Connor leaned over and shoved at her leg with his palm, moving her so she faced the windshield of the truck. A moment later and she felt the heat from his body all along her front as he stretched, leaning across her for the seatbelt buckle. His mouth was inches from hers while he tugged and clicked it into place. “Gotta keep you safe,” he murmured, puffs of air from his mouth ghosting across her lips. Then Connor did the same slow blink he’d done before and pulled back to refasten his own seatbelt. Pulling out of the parking lot, he said, “So you don’t mind the meal, just the location. You need to go back to the apartment to pick up anything for him to do his homework?”

  “No, why?” Her head was still spinning from everything he had said. All of it, and the implications were stupefying.

  “Let’s negotiate. You vetoed a dinner out, so we’ll do barbecue and slaw in.” He glanced at her with a sly smile. “At my house.”