I don’t realize tears are falling freely as I am staring out the window but not seeing anything beyond my own nightmares I am reliving. Suddenly I realize I am not alone, that someone else is in the room. My stepmom is sitting in the corner chair behind me, patiently watching me with a sad, defeated look.
“Come here.” She gives me a small smile as she pats her knee. I don’t really know what to do since I have never sat on anyone’s lap before, but I don’t want to insult her either. The look on her face is one of remorse and kindness—not that I have ever thought of her as a kind woman. I have always been somewhat intimidated by her. Maybe even a little afraid of her. I don’t have the best experience with parents after all.
Unsure, I sit in her lap and lean back as she wraps her arms around me and lets me cry. Given the fact that she is closer to six feet and I am barely five-five, I feel like a small child. I have never found comfort in the arms of anyone before—surely never my own mother’s—but there is something about this moment that brings me peace. The knot in my throat seems to get impossibly bigger.
“Do you know how much your father and I love you?” she whispers.
I don’t say anything; I don’t think I can. Although I don’t answer her and she doesn’t say anything else, I do feel loved. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like someone is finally on my side. Someone does care, and all I do is cry harder.
The next week goes by in a blur. Never had I ever gone shopping more in my life. Mary got it in her head that whatever clothes we had were not suitable, and I couldn’t help but agree with her. I was still wearing clothes from last year. My mother had forgotten, or perhaps didn’t even consider, getting me new clothes for the year. Last year’s clothes were starting to fit uncomfortably, especially across my chest.
Holy shopaholics! My legs feel like they are about to fall off when we finally get home from our latest excursion. I feel like a true huntress of the bargain buys now.
I am grateful for Mary’s consideration but a bit daunted by the fact that I now have more clothes and shoes than I ever have had in my life. She even brought us to a makeup store and chose a little of everything that we might need. I am beginning to believe that she might be trying to cheer us up from the nightly phone calls we get from our mother. They are not so much phone calls as they are being yelled at through a phone. I don’t see why my mother thinks her ranting is going to make us want to come crying back to her, but she can’t seem to control herself. No surprise there.
I have tried hard to keep Melody and Jem updated through texts, and they couldn’t be more thrilled—especially Jem, who can’t wait to see my new wardrobe. In her opinion, I should never go back to my mother’s at all. Maybe she is right, but I can’t seem to bring myself to be that cruel.
Nevertheless, I have resolved to spend equal time with my parents. We decided that I would stay at my mother’s on the weekends and spend the school week at my dad’s. My dad, being adamant that I have a good education, was appalled after my guidance counselor made him aware of how much school I had been missing. I couldn’t tell him the reasons, other than my mother needed me home. I couldn’t tell him that between taking care of my baby sister and my mother, who is often in bed, sometimes for days at a time, I simply didn’t have the option. Those reasons seemed like too much for my dad to handle.
Reed keeps asking me when he can see me, but I have been so busy with everything that I haven’t seemed to have the time. Luckily, the day before Christmas Eve, his family is all getting together, and Reed insists that I come and meet everyone. How can I say no?
Standing outside her house, I feel a daunting sense of WTHell? She lives in a castle. Oh crap. How can I compete with this? I was raised on a dairy farm, and she lives like a princess. I am so out of my league here. I look down at my clothes and say a little prayer that I meet her father’s expectations as Dannie’s potential boyfriend.
Do I shake his hand? Do I bow?
Panicked, I have no freaking idea, but I know that my palms are now sweating and my hands have a slight tremor to them. I did not foresee this as a potential problem. When I invited Dannie over, I was worried that she wouldn’t like my family or that my family wouldn’t like her, maybe even that she wouldn’t fit into our loud, chatty family Christmas. Never once did I consider that she was from a pretentious upper-class family that might look down on me for being, I dunno, normal? Middle class? From Kansas?
I walk toward the door like I am walking to the gates of hell. How on earth am I going to impress these people? Dannie seems so normal; she dresses so casually I would never have guessed this is where she is from. I knock, the noise seemingly loud in the silence of the quiet neighborhood.
The door swings open to an impossibly tall, smiling man. Crap.
“You must be Reed? I’m Charles Lee.” He looks so much like Dannie I feel a moment’s relief in his wide blue eyes. He looks normal, so I reach my hand forward for the customary shake.
“Yes, sir. I’m Reed Fischer. It’s nice to meet you.” I smile, but it’s tight on my face. My nerves keep me on my toes.
“Come in. Come in. It’s nice to finally meet you. We have heard little about you. Dannie isn’t one to talk much about boys, so I will take advantage of you being here in the flesh to pick your brain a bit.” He smiles while walking toward the kitchen.
I follow the tall man, taking the opportunity to look around at the picturesque house. Everything is in its place; everything is perfect. It looks like a picture of a home-decorating ad. Incredible.
Toto, I’m not in Kansas anymore …
I follow him into the kitchen where an equally tall lady is standing over the counter, making dinner. She walks around the counter past her husband and looks me up and down with dark, questioning eyes.
“I’m Mary. It’s nice to meet you, young man. Come and sit. Can I get you anything?” She shakes my hand too, but she looks like she is trying to figure me out. Shoot, she makes me more nervous than Mr. Lee, like she can see my soul and can determine if I am found wanting.
“No, thank you.” I’m pretty sure I croaked while answering. I sit at the table across from Mr. Lee, and he smiles.
He is a blond male version of Dannie, easy to talk to, and I feel comfortable with him instantly. We chat about where I’m from and the work my parents do. My mom works at the local day care and has a degree in child development. We talk about my siblings. The more we talk, the more comfortable I am with him. Mary is quiet and thoughtful. I can tell she is studying me, carefully considering all my answers to decide what she makes of me. I know Dannie isn’t her biological daughter, but it is obvious that this woman loves her and would take a bat to my face if I hurt her. I’m suddenly glad for her intensity, however intimidating, because it goes to show how loved Dannie is. That’s what is most important, and I find myself respecting the woman across from me more as she glowers in my direction.
Laughing about the differences between Kansas and California, we hear Dannie approaching. We all stand, but when I turn around, I’m not quite prepared for what I find. Sweet Jesus. I’m stuck. Shocked. Beautiful. My mind goes from one thought to the next, not really settling on one for too long.
Dannie looks different. Hair maybe? Clothes? Confidence? I dunno, but she is walking toward me smiling, and that is what matters most. Her dad gives her a shoulder hug, and we say our good-byes before shuffling out of the house so fast it all kind of blurs. I don’t really know; all I can see is how pretty she looks. Her hair is down and styled, and she has some sort of makeup stuff on her face. She doesn’t need it, but it makes her eyes look bluer somehow.
I open the car door for her, and I’m pretty sure I tell her how beautiful she looks, but I might have said it in my head because she doesn’t say anything. We smile at each other and simply stare. She has such a soft sweater on that I find myself reaching out for her before I can even stop myself. I pull her to my chest. We crash together in a hug, her body small and pliable against mine. My mind�
�s not working so great right now, but it feels so good to hold her.
When I manage to let go, I give myself a little time to breathe as I make my way to the driver’s side. “You ready for this?” I give her a smile, trying to make her more relaxed, but I’m still so distracted by her body and her beautiful face that I try to hold her gaze.
“As ready as I’ll ever be, Mr. Reed.” She smiles in reply, but she is playing with her hands as if she is not so sure. Meeting the parents is always a big deal. She is obviously nervous, so I put on some music and sing along, trying to ease the tension.
The night was better than I could have imagined. Everyone loves her. I am so relieved that she chats with everyone I introduce her to, even striking up conversations with my cousins when I am distracted by one person or another. She is a pretty introverted person naturally, but she seems to be great with crowds nonetheless. My family is loud, full of social butterflies, and we are all very close, knowing everything about everyone, for better or for worse. But they are my family, and I love them, so when I brought Dannie here, I knew that this was a defining moment for our relationship. I know that I couldn’t have a future with anyone who didn’t love my family or whom my family didn’t love in return. She felt like one of us from the first moment I introduced her, and if anything was a sign that she was the one for me, this was it.
“Zombie apocalypse or the Antichrist?” I say, trying to think of a challenge.
“Zombie apocalypse … they only want to eat your brains, not your soul.” She laughs. “Boobs or butts?”
I cough suddenly. “What?”
“Boobs or butts?”
Is she seriously asking me this?
“I guess I’d have to go with boobs …” I look over to see her looking smug. We both know why.
Before I know it, we are in front of her house again, but I am not ready to give her up just yet. I can’t go home without knowing what she thought of my family. I have to know. As nervous as I am, I can’t not know. I clear my throat. “So what did you think? I know they can be a little overwhelming, but—”
She cuts me off suddenly. “They are wonderful, Reed. I loved your family. Thank you for letting me meet them,” she says, and the look she is giving me is one of pure sincerity.
Thank God. I breathe easier knowing what this means for us.
“Good” is all I have in me to say.
Suddenly she quietly responds, “So the other girls you brought home to meet them didn’t like your family?”
What? Where did that come from?
Confused, I sputter, “I haven’t had my family meet any girls before. I have never had a girlfriend …” Way to be awkward, Reed.
But it’s true. I haven’t had my family meet any girl that I liked. My sister pretty much tormented any girl that I liked back in Kansas until she gave up. I figured if they couldn’t handle my sister, they sure as heck wouldn’t handle all of ’em. But I never have had a relationship before. I have had crushes or vague interest in some girls, but never like this. Never have I felt what I feel toward this girl looking at me with mesmerizing blue eyes.
She is mine. I can feel it in my soul, and no one really compares to that.
Trying to keep things a little more lighthearted, before I declare my undying love too soon and freak her out, I laugh. “You weren’t what they expected either.”
Smiling, she asks, “What do you mean? What did they expect?” She looks surprised.
“Well, they were worried—since you are from California, after all—that you’d be stuck-up. They are glad you aren’t, by the way.” I smirk, knowing that it’s the truth. They were worried, but it was for nothing, because Dannie isn’t like that at all.
She laughs. “Well, they aren’t what I expected either … I was worried they would all be a little more redneck.”
I burst out laughing, knowing that we are both right.
“I’ll tell them you said that. My mom will enjoy that!”
“You’d better not!” Her eyes go wide.
“Oh, they will love it.”
She starts pouting, and it’s all I can do not to pull her to me and kiss the hell out of her. She is so cute when she doesn’t get her way. It makes me want to say no more often. I chuckle to myself. We end the night with a hug, and I can’t help but kiss her hair. She isn’t ready for what I have to offer, and I know it, even if she doesn’t. I’m willing to wait. Patience is worth the reward because she is worth waiting for.
“Good night!” I call out as I watch her walk toward her house. I can’t wipe the smile from my face as I start my truck and pull away.
The morning after my date with Reed, I found box left on my front porch with nothing but my name written across it. I wonder why Reed wouldn’t give it to me himself. Was he too nervous after we met each other’s families to give me a gift? I open the box to find a pretty charm bracelet. I love it. It’s so thoughtful I feel slightly bad I didn’t give him a gift in return.
I’m a little disappointed he didn’t give it to me himself, but perhaps he didn’t want me to feel obligated to give him a gift too? Who knows? Guys are too confusing to lose sleep over. I’ll ask him about it in person.
The holiday flies by, and for the first time, I am on my way home alone. My sister, sticking to her initial decision of staying with my father full-time, is still with Dad and Mary. A part of me wished I was staying too, but I told my mother I wouldn’t abandon her, so I won’t. It’s just two days, and then I will be at school on Monday.
My life is a strange one where children look forward to school. I snort a cynical laugh. My life …
I walk through the door and freeze. Nothing greets me but dead silence. My stomach begins to tighten in foreboding. I slowly make my way toward the kitchen, quickly noticing Mark sitting alone at the table as if waiting for someone. For me? I hope not. I try to slowly back away, hoping he won’t see me, but that is wishful thinking.
“Sit,” his voice commands.
Shaken, I approach the table and slowly sink into the chair, mentally preparing myself for the onslaught that is surely coming.
“I wanted to speak to you about what has been going on with you, your sister, and Charles.” He sneers as he says my father’s name. His dislike for my father has always been apparent.
“Your mother has made me aware of the situation, and to say I am disappointed is an understatement.” He pauses and stares at me, his version of an interrogation. Years in the military have made him very good at intimidation, and I can’t help but respond by looking around the room for my mom or Ryan to come save me from this.
“No one is here, Dannie. I wanted to talk to you alone.”
My throat closes.
He continues, “After all that we have done for you both, this is the thanks we get?” He slowly shakes his head. “I need you to know what this has done to your family. You need to know. You are dead to us. To your mother and I. You are dead.”
I sit there, stunned, silent, as if my heart wasn’t just ripped from my chest. Dead? Although this man in front of me is not a good man, he has been a parent to me most of my life. My mother, despite her flaws and shortcomings, is someone I love very much. Dead? All because I wanted to spend more time with my dad, all because I wanted the feeling of safety and freedom for once in my life.
I am dead to them? The words keep repeating in my head as I absorb what this means to them, what this means to me.
Turning away, dismissing me, Mark says quickly, “You may go.”
Somehow I find strength to stand and go toward my room. Mark doesn’t look at me again as I slowly leave.
I fall into my bed, wishing I could somehow disappear.
I stare up at the ceiling through watery eyes, wondering what I did wrong. I tried to share time. I tried not to abandon my mother completely. None of it matters to them. She doesn’t care. Mark doesn’t care. Their pride has been wounded, and for that, they will make their children pay. Again. I am not sure how much more I can take b
efore my heart completely goes cold in my chest. I am pretty sure I have nothing left to offer this family I have been born into. I am nothing but a burden to them.
Ironically, I do feel dead.
Tucking the towel under my arms to keep it up, I brush through my hair quickly with a comb. Are my ten minutes up in the bathroom? I try to be quick, but sometimes I forget and my new dad yells at me. I don’t like it when he yells.
Oh no, I forgot my jammies in my room! I look around the bathroom for anything other than my towel or dirty clothes, and tears begin to sting my eyes. I don’t even have clean panties. I open the door just a crack, and I don’t see or hear anyone. I hold my breath and decide to make a run for it. If my ten minutes are up, I am still in here, and I left my jammies, I would hate to think how much trouble I would be in.
I open the door wide and tiptoe toward my room down the hall. I don’t make a peep, and I am thankful the floor doesn’t squeak and give me away. I rush into my room and shut the door behind me quickly. I lean against it, catching my breath after holding it for so long. My sister looks up from her bed, and noticing what I am wearing, her eyes go round in surprise.
All of a sudden, I feel the door start to push open. I spin around, and my mom slips into the room. I start to panic. Did I go over my ten minutes? Mark says it’s really important not to cost him more money. I don’t know what that means, but I don’t want him to yell at me, so I try to be fast.
My mom looks at Avery and then turns her eyes toward me and glares while looking me up and down. “Why don’t you have your clothes on?”
My voice doesn’t seem to want to work, but I manage to whisper, “I forgot my jammies.”
“Don’t you ever walk to your room naked again. What if Mark were to see you?” She looks like she is shaking with anger now, and I take deep breaths and say nothing. I don’t want her to be mad at me. “Do you know what he could have done?”
The Face You See Page 10