I look him straight in the eyes and lower my voice to a whisper, “How do you want to celebrate?”
His breath stops for a moment as he tries to discern my meaning. I’m not really sure what I mean, but I thought flirting was appropriate at this time. Now I wonder if maybe I am playing with fire.
He takes a moment to respond. “Well, I assume you are going out with the girls on Friday night after grad. Can I have you on Saturday?”
I can’t quite tell if he means to imply anything by using the words have you, but I am nervous and excited by the thought of it. I am almost eighteen. I wouldn’t call myself experienced with men, but I do know that Reed is my every fantasy in 3-D. Even if nothing happens, I am happy if he even thinks of me that way because I can’t seem to stop thinking of him that way.
When did my brain suddenly become a cesspool of debauchery? Oh yeah … right around the time I realized what physical attraction was, thanks to Reed.
“Anytime.” I turn my head away before I turn bright red. Ha! Take that, Mr. Flirty.
He clears is throat but stays silent. I chuckle to myself, trying to hold it in but fail to do so. He nudges me, obviously aware of what I said, how I said it, and that I am laughing about it. He suddenly leans over and gently kisses my neck.
Swoon.
My throat runs dry, definitely nothing funny about that. I look over at Reed, and he gives me a victorious grin and winks. “Can’t wait.” He slowly stands and walks out of the library as quietly as he entered.
I slowly shake my head side to side. So delicious …
The bell rings, pulling me out of my trance. I shove my books and binders into my bag and make my way into the science building. Today is the last review day before finals, so I need to make the most of every second of the lecture today.
As I look at my dad and Mary from across the table, I feel nervous but supported. I look down at the phone in my hand and begin to dial the number I’ve been dreading for months.
I listen to the ring until Sue finally picks up. “Hello? Dannie, is that you?”
“Yeah, it’s me, Mom.” I cringe because calling her “mom” feels wrong now. I don’t like it, but I honestly don’t know what else to call her. “I thought I’d call before graduation. I think we need to talk,” I say quickly before holding my breath.
“I think that’s a good idea. How have you been, sweet girl?”
Sweet girl? Never has she called me anything remotely endearing. “I know you’ve been trying to get ahold of me—”
“Well, I’ve been calling you, hoping we could clear up this mess,” she says, cutting me off. “I know it was a mistake now to have given you that letter. I see now it was a bit rash on my part, but I just want you to know I really didn’t mean it for you. It was really meant for your father’s eyes only and for your sister of course. Avery really has been giving us so much trouble lately with her attitude and all; it’s really been horrible. Between Avery and your brother, I’ve been out of control with stress. Really, Dannie, this doesn’t have anything to do with you.”
I’m a little shocked for a moment by the load of bull I am hearing, but I can’t decide if I’m more hurt or angry. “Then why did you put my name on the envelope if it was for my dad. The letter was written to me, Mom …” Apparently I’m going with anger right now. “If the letter wasn’t about me, why did you give Avery and me separate letters to begin with?”
“Well, that was an unfortunate judgment call on my part, and I’m sorry.” She doesn’t skip a beat.
“Sorry you wrote it? Or sorry you left one for me?”
“Both, honey, I’m sorry for both. It really wasn’t meant for you.”
Well, that’s the world’s worst apology, but that’s most likely all I’m gonna get.
“What about Mark telling me that you both consider me dead?” Now I’m just pissed. I’m gonna be hurt eventually, but I’ll take advantage of my anger while it’s here. “Do you think that was a very good thing for a parent to say to a child?”
“Well, it’s not like you’re a baby, but Mark and I have talked about that and he is very sorry he said that. He was angry and didn’t mean it at all. Honey, why are you bringing all this up? It’s all in the past now; we should just try to move on as a family. Speaking of, how is your father treating you? Is he being kind? Is your stepmother treating you nicely? I know they can both be very cold sorts of people, but hang in there.”
I’m sure Mark is terribly sorry. He’s so humble after all. “They are fine, Mom. Everything has been going really well over here.”
“Hmm. That’s good to hear,” she says in a tone that in no way implies that she is happy about it. “After everything that has happened, we still would love to see you. If you’re willing of course.”
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I don’t think I should see you for a while, Mom. I don’t feel like I’m ready. Actually, I don’t feel ready to talk to you right now either … Maybe eventually we could try to have a better relationship, but until then, I was hoping you could give me some space.”
“Give you space? I haven’t seen you in months. How much more space do you need? I really think we should all go to my counsellor, sit down, and talk about this. This isn’t right what you’re doing; we are a family.”
“I know, Mom. I just can’t have you calling all the time or showing up places expecting me to want to see you. This has been really hard to deal with … I can’t do that if I’m constantly afraid of you or Mark.”
“Afraid of me? Why on earth would you be afraid of me?” she says with honest bewilderment.
I sit there for a moment a little stunned, not really knowing what to say. Does she not remember what life was like when we lived with her? Or is she just too embarrassed to discuss it? I’m confused for a moment before I continue, “Don’t you think I have pretty good reason to be afraid? Or at the very least cautious?”
“Of course, dear, but that is all so far in the past. Mark has been doing so well at therapy; he has hardly had any episodes lately. And I have been really working through my issues. Maybe someday I can share them with you and you’ll finally understand from my perspective. Do you think all this has been easy on me? I’m humiliated. All I’ve ever done is be a good mother to you girls, and this is the thanks I get?” She starts sniffling as if she’s crying, but I’m not convinced.
“None of this was very far in the past for me. This is what I’m saying, Sue …” Finally I use her given name, not caring if it hurts her feelings. “You refuse to apologize or take any responsibility for your actions. I don’t feel like I can talk to you rationally because you are acting totally irrationally. For right now, I really think we both need to take some time to figure out what is the best way to have any relationship. If we can even have one …” Choosing my words is becoming incredibly difficult, but I really am trying hard to be respectful. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow only to regret my words. I want to be level-headed about this, but she is seriously pushing it.
“So you’re never gonna talk to me?” Somehow she exchanged her tears for attitude again. “You are being very immature, Dannie. Well, if that’s what you want, I’ll think on it and let you know how I feel about this. I have to be honest though, I’m very hurt by you girls. It is going to take me some time before I can talk to you reasonably.”
Really? I have no words for her brand of crazy.
She continues, “Well, I hope you know that I love you, but I’ve really gotta go. I have an appointment that I just can’t miss. Bye, sweet girl.”
Click.
So much for wanting to talk. I hang up the phone, take a deep breath, and finally look up at my dad. He is a little red-faced. It looks like he’s about to spit fire so I take it that he must have heard most of our conversation. I look over at Mary to see her appalled look, which mirrors my dad’s.
“I don’t know what to say to that, but at least I know I tried,” I say quietly, worried that my dad may have a stroke while we sit here.
“Well, we realize you needed to get that off your chest, but it might be best to take a breather for a while before you call her again,” Mary adds, taking my dad’s hand.
“That woman …” my dad trails off, lost in thought again.
“It’s okay, Dad. I needed to know she won’t be constantly trying to get in touch. I need time. I needed answers. I may not have gotten what I was hoping for, but at least I can walk away knowing I wasn’t wrong about her … and that this whole mess wasn’t my fault.” I whisper the last part, but they both hear.
“Is that what you think? That any of this is your fault?” my dad asks.
“Well … sorta.”
My dad and Mary look at each other before pinning me with looks of concern. “No, none of this is your fault. We are both glad you are here with us, and now that we are starting to understand what it was like for you at Sue’s house. Why didn’t you tell us everything that has been going on? Dannie, how bad was it?” my dad asks.
“It wasn’t good, Dad, but it’s over.”
Mary looks as if she is trying to read my thoughts, and after a few seconds of her scrutiny, I think she knows. She sees, and she understands the entirety of it. Finally.
After my last final of the day, I walk out of class like a champ and breathe the fresh air of freedom. I can’t believe that was the last class of my high school career. It’s early Friday. Graduation is in two hours and then party time.
The girls are in front of my locker before I reach it myself. “Free at last … Free at last!” Jem shouts, causing the other seniors in the vicinity to whoop and holler back at her.
“Hella fried … but so pumped for grad!” she continues as I finally put my last binder in my bag to bring home and throw away gladly.
“So where are we meeting up? I have pictures to take at home, and then my dad will bring me here,” I say, not able to wipe the grin off my face. Graduation. Hells yes.
“Same here. I will be here as early as acceptable. My mother has the whole family out …” Melody trails off because that is explanation enough if her whole family is at her house. Yikes, I’m sure it will be a showdown.
“Perfect!” Jem shouts, “We will meet here but bring bags for overnight because I plan to party like we are graduates, ladies!” Another round of hollering commences from every senior passing.
Jem suddenly steps closer with a serious look on her face. “So how have you been, hon?” She grabs my hand as Melody wraps an arm around my waist.
I love these girls. “I’m doing okay actually. I’m feeling … hopeful.”
Jem gives me a smile, and Melody squeezes me tighter.
“Glad to hear it. It’s about time things start turning around for you girls,” Jem says sincerely before saying her good-byes and walking toward the parking lot.
I take a deep breath and turn toward Melody, knowing we have to have a conversation sooner rather than later.
As I finally lift my eyes to Melody’s, I feel the need to ask about something I’ve noticed. “You’ve been doing it again, haven’t you?” I whisper so she doesn’t feel cornered.
Seconds go by in silence as I realize how oblivious I’ve been to the pain of those around me. The guilt breaks my heart before she responds, “It’s just been really bad at home lately. I know you’ve had a lot going—”
I cut her off, pull her into a hug, and hold her there.
“I’m so sorry I’ve been so wrapped up in my own crap I’ve overlooked this. You can tell me anything, you know? I love you.” I feel Melody start to cry softly as we grieve for her heartbreak together.
I get ready for graduation with Avery and Crystal. While they help me do my hair and makeup, we catch up quickly. Picking out the sundress I’ll wear under my cap and gown to keep me cool in the Cali heat, we have a surprisingly good time. We talk about Crystal’s boyfriend and the silly things that have happened at college. Avery updates us on her most recent boyfriend, whom she assures us is “the one.” I try to hide the fact that I am rolling my eyes, but Crystal spots it and smirks. Apparently she thinks Avery’s declaration is as ridiculous as I do. But it seems familiar and normal and comfortable, so I am glad they are both in my room hanging out with me. I need them, and as much as I hate admitting that I need anyone, I am tired of being alone. I am tired of distancing myself from everyone. I’m just plain tired.
Graduation flies by in a blur. Honestly you prepare for this your entire educational career, but you hardly remember it because you are so damn nervous about tripping on stage.
Just me? Okay.
We laugh at the speeches and roll our eyes at the guy who pulls out a beach ball and tosses it around the graduates. Only in Cali. Jem and Melody keep sending me meaningful glances as if to say, “We did it!” And I return their smiles and glances from across the rows of students. The entire stadium is packed so I can’t make out my family or Reed. But I know they are all there, and that is what matters. Even if Sue is out there, she is no longer my problem. So when the crowed rushes onto the field and we throw up our caps signalling the official end of graduation, I feel sad—elated but sad. As they say, the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.
“I’m so proud of you!” My dad wraps me in a big hug and kisses my cheek. I squeeze him back before giving Mary and my sisters hugs.
“So how does it feel to be a big kid?” My dad laughs at his own joke, and I smile in return.
“Pretty good, Dad.”
The girls make it over to us with their families, and everyone proceeds to chat loudly. I feel arms wrapped around me, and I lean into them automatically.
“Hey, princess,” he breathes in my ear.
I turn in his arms and jump into them. He picks me up and swings me around.
I squeal, “Put me down!” I laugh, giving him a chaste kiss when he does.
“I’m so proud of you.” He smiles, and I just smile back with my arms around his neck, looking into his beautiful dark-green eyes.
“None of that. None of that!” My dad chuckles, and I look over to see him smiling at us, holding Mary’s hand, looking not at all disapproving. He loves Reed, and I know it. Even Mary likes him, and she doesn’t like people unless they are worthy. I trust her opinion. So when I look back at Reed, who is blushing slightly, I give him another kiss.
Laughing into the kiss, he pulls away. “Are we still on for tomorrow?”
“Yep. Can’t wait.” I can’t wipe the grin off my face at the prospect of what might happen. I’m so excited I wish it was tomorrow.
But tonight is girls’ night out, and the girls are just as important to me. I’m glad Reed recognizes that and never impedes my girl time, nor does he get jealous of it. He gets it, and he gives me space. I love that about him.
Leaning in, he pulls me closer. “Neither can I, princess.” He gives me a kiss on the cheek and lets me go. He keeps his arm around my waist as we make the family rounds. I give hugs to Mama Bea, her husband, and all the cousins. I try in vain to avoid Jett, but he is right there, unavoidable, scowling at me. What is his problem? I just ignore his glare.
We say our good-byes to our families while walking toward our cars. Reed keeps his arm around my waist the whole way, but he is silent. When we get to my car, he suddenly presses me up against it and kisses me deeply. I open my mouth for him, and he quickly responds. He holds me up against the car with his body, and we lose all sense of control. The parking lot is quiet and dark, but if someone got close enough, they would definitely see. I’m not sure that I care right now.
I moan into his mouth, and he suddenly stills and rests his forehead against mine. We both try to catch our breath, but it’s hard for me not to grab him and start this all over again. He steps away after a moment and smiles at me.
“So I’ll pick you up tomorrow? You gonna miss me tonight?”
“Nah … miss you? What’s there to miss?” I laugh and smile.
“Cruel woman.” He smiles again while slowly backing away. “Lov—miss
you.” He stills, looking shocked and embarrassed, maybe even scared because we both know what he was going to say.
All I can do is smile. He loves me? He loves me! Love!
I’m amazed, and as much as I want to shout, “I love you!” back, I don’t. He stopped himself so I don’t know if he was ready.
“You too,” is all I say in return with a shy smile, hoping that he gets my meaning. I love him too, and I will miss him too. Equally. I start my car without looking back at his face because I’m so nervous. I pause for a moment in my car and glance up. What I see is not what I expect.
Jett’s truck is in front of mine, and in the front seat is Jett, looking ready to jump out, grab Reed, and throttle him. He is gripping the wheel hard enough that his knuckles are white, and his eyes are fiercely staring at me—predatory, angry, frightening.
I look away, shaken by the expression on his face, and start the car quickly. I know he will be at Ice House tonight, but right now, I feel a little vulnerable. We are alone, in a dark parking lot, and he looks like he wants to hurt someone. He just witnessed me making out, and a predeclaration of love to my new boyfriend.
If he is in fact my boyfriend—because we still have not had the DTR talk. Dang, I must be getting really good at deflecting because I haven’t even attempted that conversation. It’s been a crazy year, but I am looking forward to the summer and all the possibilities that it holds.
I drive away from my former high school. Now if I could only get that look out of my mind, the look Jett gave me that gives me goosebumps and shivers. And not the good kind …
By the time I get to Ice House, the girls are already there. All the seniors from our class are here; luckily there are no underclassmen in sight, but there are plenty of former graduates so it’s just a matter of time before Jett gets here. We are all dressed up, and the music pumping is a new song. It’s party time. We are all prepared to camp out, stay up all night, and sleep in cars or tents so we can party all night like graduates.
Jem grabs my hand, I grab Melody’s, and we head toward the dance floor. We start swaying and shouting the wrong lyrics over the music while drinking enough beer to finally get a buzz. I see Jett over Jem’s shoulder as he finally arrives. He beelines it to the dance floor, grabbing Kendal as he walks. They start dancing, or maybe it was really sex with their clothes on because that is certainly what it looks like. Is he trying to make me jealous? Because using Kendal to do it is not going to have the desired effect. Icky, that’s what that is.
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