by Various
“Rub it out?”
“If you concur, I mean.”
“And then what?”
Degas makes a blue check elsewhere. “Put a peacock in full display here. You'll create balance and greater interest.”
After brief doubt, you do as he says, and your peacock stares out at the onlooker with a bleak enchanting ferocity.
* * *
iii. Renovations in Chautauqua
Dai had always wanted his own house, perhaps one that he built himself from the ground up—but not necessarily. After all, he'd built many structures in the past, either storage sheds or warehouses, each with its own purposes and symmetries, its own architectural eloquences and enduring specific satisfactions. Even the neighbors in nearby dwellings had noticed and praised these efforts, either after standing at their doors and peering in or during thorough guided tours of their open or labyrinthine premises.
He had a knack for visualizing a full-grown red maple from the imaginary winged seed containing it, and he could share this vision with others through such basic but vital tasks as spading, manuring, watering, and pruning: the essential, down-and-dirty work of cultivation.
Still, he wanted his own house—not a metaphorical tree for gilded nightingales to croon in, but a dwelling that would shelter, nurture, and solace him, a retreat for the body, intellect, and spirit. He found such a habitation in Chautauqua, New York, already intact but in welcome need of renovations that would reshape it to the uncompromising dictates of his desires.
Where some builders would have used gypsum board or oak, he used clothbound books and manuscripts of antique linen-based paper.
Where some decorators would have used caladiums or ferns, he used woodcuts from books or shiny dust jackets, stripped out, or off, and twisted into origami fans and foliage uncannily akin to flourishing plants.
So of course Dai tore out the stairs going from the foyer to his second-floor study and replaced them with steps made of encyclopedia volumes, sets of the complete works of Seneca, Dante, Shakespeare, and Stapledon, and multivolume indices to all the science fiction magazines printed before the advent of electronic periodicals and e-books. These had solidity. A person could stand upon them. Or a person could kneel on them, unlatch a higher step, and peruse at sweet leisure an alternate metaphysics and the secret mechanics of metamorphosis.
For these reasons, Dai lived on the stairs, which seemed to him beaches, steppes, terraces, foothills, mesas, and mountaintops all at once. They lifted him up. They ferried him down. They grounded his every climb and every descent. One day he'd remove them for a chair lift, an elevator cage, or a swami's lariat, as the spirit led. For in this house, he and only he decreed every change of needful validity.
* * *
iv. Enraged Red Octopi on Mars
Moist, tentacle-bearing red aliens of daunting height and strength fell upon Mars because they liked the climate and the camouflaging dust. Its surgically adapted human colonists at first meant little to these invaders because their shelters were hidden crevice dwellings indistinguishable from the terrain, and because the bipedal settlers gave off so little heat or luminescence that the octopi—a stupid but inevitable name for them, even if they had only seven appendages—couldn't detect them with their bio-mechanical octopi-specific sensors. Only when actively roaming the red planet's surface did the aliens finally savvy that they weren't alone: an outrage that ramped up their ire and led to the first earthling-octopi skirmishes and, eventually, all-out war.
DiCorso, the colonists’ foremost surgeon, had equipped his people with gill-like slits for filtering the Martian air and with lungs as large as industrial bellows to distil and distribute its oxygen throughout the settlers’ systems. A few other doctors aided DiCorso, who specialized in those cases requiring greater diagnostic expertise and surgical skill—until all of them had to treat laser burns and/or sucker-inflicted hickeys that only the most hardened physicians could contemplate without revulsion and utter self-dissociation from their victims. Even DiCorso, who often tended to suction-cupped patients, would return to his rock hovel seeing phantom victims but grateful for his lack of appetite. Unhappily, the longer the octopi remained on Mars the more attuned they grew to human spoor and the more adept at tracking down, flushing out, engaging with, and mutilating the gone-to-ground settlers.
At length, a battle on the nether slopes of Olympus Mons, the tallest and largest volcanic peak in the solar system, ensued, principally because so many of the colonists’ warrens honeycombed these foothills and had seemed to afford such reliable shelter from dust storms, meteor showers, and every other imaginable disaster, except perhaps titanic eruptions of the dormant volcano and epic floods of magma, lava, and other superheated igneous slurries. After all, Olympus Mons had not been active for millennia, and no one could have foreseen the advent of these land-crawling cephalopods of colossal physique and hateful disposition.
Anyway, on this peak the enraged red octopi took the offensive, not with the laser tubes, now exhausted, that they had initially used but with rocks that they snatched from the ground and hurled with devastating accuracy into the settlers’ hidey-holes. The aliens projected these rocks like David, or like Dizzy Dean, Rapid Robert Feller, Warren Spahn, Sandy Koufax, Bob Gibson, Juan Marichal, Tom Seaver, Greg Maddux, Randy Johnson, or even Reezy Faludin, the all-time strikeout medalist of the first Interplanetary League—except that every cephalopod warrior seemed to encompass each of these storied human cowhide hurlers in its seven-limbed body and Mars's thin air offered minimal resistance to their dumbfounding pitches.
These pitches enlarged the settlers’ burrows and ricocheted about inside them like spit-spun shrapnel, meanwhile beheading, disemboweling, or delimbing the crevices’ inhabitants, who fought back with plasma hoses that bowled over and quasi-fricasseed many of their assailants.
At the end of that dreadful day, hostilities ceased—unaccountably, unless outright fatigue and despairing nausea had interposed—and DiCorso ventured from his unscathed lair to assess the damage to friends and foes alike. He took a giant breath and scrutinized the landscape.
Many wounded colonists had left their dens and sprawled about in various states of impact trauma, including dismemberment and, if yet alive, psychic fragmentation. The octopi reclining on the slope had fared little better, resembling mutant boiled tomatoes or prodigious copulating polyps in a burnt marinara sauce. The dead required burial and the living treatment.
When able if bemused settlers emerged to help, DiCorso instituted a program of triage for all combatants. He organized grave-digging teams. Other human techs pushed halogen trees about the battlefield to throw light upon it, and DiCorso got busy. He used beaucoups of anodynes, mastics, and reels of invisible nylon fishing line to treat both his human and his cephalopod patients. Despite unalloyed looks of disgust or horror, he used detached alien tentacles as surrogates for human limbs, and vice versa. And, at the end of that Martian night, he did litter checks on his surviving patients and pronounced them fit for additional future living, if the goddamned octopi would only take their antagonism in tentacle, so to speak, and convert it into unmitigated amity.
A gigantic wounded cephalopod spidered up the hillside and grinned at DiCorso, problematically. “Your name for us isn't our name,” it squeaked in an accented brogue. “But even in your barbaric tongue, the proper plural for us isn't octopi, but octopuses or octopodes, the latter of which derives from the Greek okto, ‘eight,’ plus pous or pod-, ‘foot.’”
“Thank you for that helpful redaction,” DiCorso said, and he and the cephalopod shook hands and shook hands and
* * *
v. Adventures in Time and Space
an author with whom Dai had been working at Simon & Schuster flew in from Atlanta, Georgia, at the publisher's expense, to reside with Dai in his house in Chautauqua, New York, while they took the visitor's manuscript in hand (in the early 1980s, many literary persons still used typewriters to compose their works) and turned it this way and then that to
see how best to sculpt from it a commercially viable title. M——, a novelist with four other flawed books behind him, settled into the guestroom but soon emerged for a tour of Dai's house.
The stairway of books that M—— had seen in passing but not closely examined now captured his full attention. He marveled at its construction, its constituent “bricks”—in reality, books with latches that one could flip to access their contents—, and the rarity of many of the volumes skillfully incorporated therein.
Dai watched as M—— opened a copy of the American hardcover edition of J. G. Ballard's The Atrocity Exhibition, a printing that the outraged publisher had had pulped in its presumed entirety rather than release it to the world to his company's eternal scandal. (Later, another firm issued it as Love and Napalm: Export U.S.A.)
“Incredible,” M—— said.
“I call that one a wonder,” Dai said. “A wonder it survived at all.”
Dai led M—— into the kitchen, opened the box containing his fifth novel, and set it out on the table in piles of several chapters each. Its story alternated between chapters in the present and others in the past, with a coda set in the future, but Dai didn't think that the arrangement of these chapters worked as well as it might, and he had put tabs on them so that he and M—— could juxtapose them in ways lending greater urgency to M——’s storytelling.
Rearranging the chapters proved time- and space-consuming. Both men wound up on the linoleum floor shuffling and reshuffling the chapters like big, floppy playing-card decks. A hunting scene in 1958 now preceded a hunting scene in the Pleistocene; a scene of graphic eroticism in modern Spain followed one between the protagonist and a female hominid 1.5 million years ago.
Later, both Dai and M—— had cricks in their backs and smudges on their knees, but M——’s manuscript felt much more supple and compelling, and both men slept well in their beds.
* * *
vi. A Perfect Game in the Keeler Dome
Despite never having heard of the “Interplanetary League,” you now “hurl cowhide” for the “Titans” on a moon of Saturn in Huygens City in the Keeler Dome, an inflated bubble with o- and g-levels akin to those occurring naturally in the “Houston Astrodome.”
After the Battle of Lower Olympus Mons, an “intern” named Degas admires your rock-tossing prowess at a “peace gala,” an event celebrating the end of hostilities between hole-humans and your own noble cephalopod clan. He then “touts” you to his brother in Huygens City as a “virtually infallible prospect.” This “touting” leads to your “drafting” by his “franchise,” your “engaging” Degas as your “agent,” and your “signing” with the “Titan Titans.”
You owe Degas. He saved your life after the hole-humans plasma-hosed you. He put gunk on your burns, disposed of your dead striding tentacles, gave you human “legs,” and reconditioned your catapulting appendages with cephalopod-adapted “Thomas John procedures.” A work of Degas’ art, you are a talented “Frankenstein” “monster.” An hour ago, you threw a “perfect game” for him in the Keeler Dome.
Degas ties a purple “paisley” “cravat” below your beak and hugs you hard. “My boy,” he chortles: “You're absolutely one of us now.”
* * *
vii. Goodbye to All That
In Tokyo, I appear on a writer's panel—”Editing Yourself for Readability and Profit”—whose other members include a romance editor, a fantasy editor, a Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist, and a scarlet cephalopod named Big D.
Big D wears a bowtie—like a flesh-colored orchid with measles—and talks for ten minutes about the need to create for one's readers a continuous vivid dream using simple but colorful language.
I counter that sometimes it's OK to make the reader work to parse the meaning of a fictive dream, but when Big D lifts a tentacle and rumbles, “DELETE!” I immediately dematerialize—
—for David G. Hartwell, on his seventieth birthday
Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes copyright © 2011 Michael Bishop
The author and publisher have provided this e-book to you without Digital Rights Management software (DRM) applied so that you can enjoy reading it on your personal devices. This e-book is for your personal use only. You may not print or post this e-book, or make this e-book publicly available in any way. You may not copy, reproduce or upload this e-book, other than to read it on one of your personal devices.
Copyright infringement is against the law. If you believe the copy of this e-book you are reading infringes on the author’s copyright, please notify the publisher at: us.macmillanusa.com/piracy.
Lou was almost thirty. He had a job and an apartment, but he was lonely. He didn’t have any friends. He didn’t know why; he just didn’t.
So he did what everyone who is lonely does: YouTube and eBay. One day it was eBay.
“Say, look at this!” he murmured. Lou often murmured to himself.
CRIMESTOPPERS™ VIDEO CAMERA
Catch ’em in the Act!
BUY IT NOW: $19.95
Brand New in Box.
Batteries Included.
One to a Customer.
Shipping, $4.99
That didn’t seem like all that much. The shipping wasn’t bad either. That’s usually where they get you. So Lou did what every lonely person with PayPal does. He clicked on BUY.
Four days later, it came. It was about the size of a cell phone, with a little viewscreen that folded out to one side.
It only had two buttons: SHOOT and PLAY. Not a lot of features. But the price was right.
Lou pointed it at his cat and looked in the viewscreen.
There was the cat. The picture in the viewscreen was black and white, with a little Date & Time display at the top. It was even grainy, like a real surveillance video.
Cool! Lou pressed SHOOT.
The cat took a crap in the corner, and then left the room, looking like a criminal. But cats always look like criminals.
Lou pressed PLAY. There it was again in the viewscreen: the cat, the crap, the corner, in grainy black and white, with Date & Time at the top: 04/18/2008/8:44 p.m.
The cat slunk off and the screen went blank.
Lou hit PLAY and watched it again.
“Cool,” he murmured.
* * *
It was time to try it out in the real world. There was a 7-Eleven only blocks away.
It was empty. Lou went in and wandered to the back of the store. He looked through the viewscreen and scanned the scene, from the beer case in the back to the Pakistani clerk reading a magazine behind the counter. He looked pretty bored.
Lou hit SHOOT. The Pakistani clerk looked up from his magazine toward the cash register. He hit NO SALE and took a bill out of the cash register and stuck it in his shirt pocket. 04/18/2008/8:58 p.m.
Lou hit PLAY and watched him do it again. It was a five.
Cool, thought Lou. He looked around the store through the viewscreen. In grainy black and white, with the Date & Time display, it looked like a crime scene. But 7-Elevens all look like crime scenes. What it needed was more people.
A black guy came in for Salems and a lottery ticket. Lou got him in the viewscreen and was just about to press SHOOT when the black guy turned and looked straight at him.
“Hey, asshole!” he said. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“Nothing,” said Lou. “Making a call.” He pretended to be punching in a number.
“Somebody ought to kick your ass,” said the black guy. He paid and left. The clerk went back to his magazine. It was People. Lou pretended to be looking for something in the candy aisle.
A fat white kid came in. Lou knew him. It was the kid from upstairs over Lou’s apartment. He was about twelve. He lived with his mother. Lou wasn’t afraid of him.
Through the viewscreen, in black and white, with the Date & Time display, the kid looked like a perp. He went straight to the candy aisle and picked out a Snickers.
Lou pressed SHOOT and watched the kid approach the counter. Instead of paying for
the candy bar he stuck it into his jacket pocket. Then he jammed it forward like a gun. 04/18/2008/9:04 p.m.
“Open the fuckin’ register,” he said. “Give me the bills. Keep the change. Keep your hands in sight or I’ll blow you away.”
“OK, OK!”
The Pakistani clerk opened the cash register and took out a wad of bills. He handed it to the kid, who backed out the door, still with his hand jammed in his pocket. 04/18/2008/9:05 p.m.
Then he ran.
“Did you see that?” asked the clerk. Lou shrugged and said, “Not really.” He didn’t want to get involved.
He backed out the door and left the Pakistani clerk calling the cops. He went back to his apartment and pressed PLAY.
There was the fat kid, robbing the store. It had the Date & Time and everything.
Lou watched it several times. He liked crime videos.
* * *
The next day after work Lou went by the fat kid’s apartment. It was right upstairs. He waited until he was sure the mother was away.
“What do you want?” the fat kid asked. He didn’t want to open the door.
“I saw you rob the 7-Eleven,” Lou said.
The fat kid opened the door. “You’re a liar,” he said. But he didn’t sound like he was sure.
Lou hit PLAY and showed him the video on the viewscreen. “I didn’t mean to,” the fat kid said. “I don’t know what came over me.”
“That’s what they all say,” said Lou. “Give me half the money or I will call the police.”
The fat kid gave him half the money. “Let me see that thing,” he said, pointing at the video camera.
“No way,” said Lou. He went home and counted the money. It was $62, more than he made in a week.
* * *
The next day, Lou called in sick. “I have the flu,” he said. His boss grumbled but didn’t say anything.
Lou took his new Crimestoppers™ video camera to the mall. It was almost empty during the day. There was only one girl shopping. She was extremely pretty.