“It’s okay,” he said as she extended a glass of water to him. “I’ve got two nieces. One of my little brothers, Carlos. He and his wife met in, like, junior high and have been together for forever. Two kids, cute little house down the street from my parents,” he said and smiled, shaking his head. “It’s a real different kind of life.”
“Yeah,” Deja said. “That sounds like my sister. My brother-in-law was literally the boy next door. She works at the same company as my dad and lives close enough to walk to my parents’ house too. Sometimes, I think I should have followed in her footsteps.”
Alejandro nodded. “I think that sometimes, too. Every time I come home, I wonder what my life would be like if I had, but…”
“But?” Alejandro wondered if Deja could hear the desperation in her voice. He understood it, even if she didn’t, that need for someone who understood your life to tell you that you’d made the right decision and that you could succeed or to point you in a different direction if you couldn’t. He’d felt it, and he’d seen it in other people so many times, but it broke him to hear that tone in her voice and see the hunger for reassurance in her eyes. And even though he knew that Deja wouldn’t let him take care of her, he gave her the reassurance she was practically begging for.
“Carlos is a mechanic. He’s good at it. He’s fucking great at it, and he loves it. He was always a serious kid, and he wanted to be just like papi and have a life just like our parents’. This is what I’m good at. I’m where I’m supposed to be. So are you,” he couldn’t stop himself from adding.
Alejandro watched as Deja took in his words. He didn’t know if they sank in, but he could tell her again, happily, any time she wanted to hear them. He sipped his water, and she did the same. And then she chewed her bottom lip as she thought about what he’d said, and he watched her. They stood in silence for a while until she turned to him with a shaky smile.
“You want to order take out for dinner?” she asked nervously.
“Fuck, yes,” Alejandro breathed.
***
“This is so good,” Alejandro said, finishing the chicken wing in his hand and tossing it onto the plate between them.
They were sitting on her living room floor, eating wings and onion rings from the best dive bar in Centreville.
“The food in this town might be garbage, but they absolutely get burgers and wings right,” Deja said.
He smiled and nodded, dunking another wing in ranch dressing. She preferred blue cheese, but she decided not to hold his dipping sauce against him, he was so perfect in so many other ways. Actually, she thought to herself, Alejandro Mendoza was perfect in every other way so if he wanted to eat his wings with ranch, at least they’d never fight when they went out for wings.
“So, um…” she said, breaking an onion ring apart between her fingers. “About what Mike said earlier.”
He didn’t answer for a long stretch of seconds, and she chanced looking up at him. He pointed at his mouth to indicate that he was still chewing. She nodded and popped a piece of the onion ring in her hand into her mouth.
“What about it?” he finally responded.
“Do you…think we should disclose our relationship to HR sooner?” she asked. She was trying for casual, but she didn’t think she’d succeeded.
“We can,” Alejandro offered carefully. “If we do that, though, it’ll mean…you know, that this is real. For us, I mean,” he added hastily. “HR doesn’t actually give a shit about how serious we are, but I mean…if we disclose, whenever we disclose, I’d hope that meant this is going somewhere.”
Deja hadn’t thought of it that way, and now she had a new anxiety-inducing piece of information to deal with. Was this relationship with Alejandro going somewhere? She hoped so, but did he? Did he want something more than their casual dating? Or was this it? Was that why he wanted to wait on talking to HR? Did she want to know what he thought? Yes. But also no.
“We don’t have to make any decisions right now,” Alejandro said. “And I’m fine to leave it up to you.”
Deja shook her head.
“But if it helps…” he said, pulling a wing apart in his hands, “this is a real thing.” He said the words so firmly that Deja felt as if her body rocked with each one, as if the force of his certainty knocked into her.
She liked it. She licked her lips and then met his eyes. “You know, I don’t usually invite men to my house.”
“No?” he asked, smiling in relief. “So, you’re saying I’m special?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.
Deja rolled her eyes and popped the rest of her onion ring into her mouth. “You’re eating wings with ranch, let’s not get cocky, okay?”
“What’s wrong with ranch?” he asked with a laugh that Deja felt all over her skin.
She didn’t answer his question and he didn’t push. They ate in companionable silence for a second before he spoke again. “You don’t teach tomorrow, right?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“Neither do I.”
She tried to bite back her smile. “Yeah. I know. What’s your point?”
He shrugged, tossing the chicken bone on the plate between them. “Nothing, just…you know…if you were interested in having a sleepover with the special dude you’re dating—”
Deja rolled her eyes and threw a packet of wet wipes at him. “Shut up.”
He caught the packet with a deep huff of laughter.
“You really want to spend the night?” she asked.
He looked at her, and it was his turn to roll his eyes. “Of course, I do, but I’m not gonna beg.”
“You sure about that?” she asked, her voice dipping with a seedling of arousal; a seed she knew he would water.
His hand froze over the basket of onion rings. She saw his Adam’s apple bob, and that made her smile. “Please,” he whispered.
She smirked triumphantly, “Thought so.”
22.
FEBRUARY
Tuesday
Deja’s day started off amazingly.
Alejandro had a late graduate course Monday night, but instead of going home after his class, he’d come to her apartment. He’d shown up with dark circles under his eyes, his jacket thrown over the crook of his arm and an overnight bag in his hand.
They hadn’t even had sex.
She’d waited nervously in bed while he changed into his pajamas and brushed his teeth. But when he crawled into her bed and wrapped her in his arms, all those nerves had seeped slowly from her body. He was asleep in barely fifteen minutes, and she’d lain awake for a few minutes longer, her cheek pressed against his chest, listening to the soft burr of his slumber. It was perfect.
And then she’d woken up to Alejandro’s long body spooning hers, his lips softly kissing over her shoulder and his dick pressing into the curve of her ass. Deja hadn’t woken up this well since…well, ever. The feeling of Alejandro in her bed was even better than the first morning after the academic year ended when she woke up knowing that her days were mostly her own for the next three months. Alejandro was better and that was saying a lot.
“You up?” he whispered into her ear.
She nodded.
“You have time?”
Deja shuddered as he sucked her earlobe into his mouth and pushed his hips forward, pumping lightly into her.
She reached for her cellphone on the bedside table and tipped it up just enough to check the clock. Six in the morning.
“Half an hour,” she croaked. That was pushing it. She needed to shower and walk to campus, but if she drove, she could buy them a few minutes. She hadn’t double-checked her lecture notes last night because she’d been too busy grading short answer quizzes and working on her midterm review sheets. She’d given the lecture for her eight o’clock class before, but she had to rush straight from that to her nine-thirty class, and this lecture was entirely new. A small part of her brain was screaming, “Fuck morning sex, bitch, you’re already late. That lecture won’t edit itself.” It was a
small but very loud part that she forced herself to ignore, because she’d been working on that; not giving into the negative self-talk that told her she wasn’t doing enough and never could. She needed to learn not to crumble to the voice that said failure was imminent. She didn’t believe it, not really, but that voice was so loud that just ignoring it wasn’t really an option. Eventually, she knew she’d have to learn how to replace it with something else, but she wasn’t there yet, so ignorance was her temporary friend.
“I’ll be quick,” Alejandro whispered into her ear, and then his body froze. “That’s not what I meant?”
Deja buried her face in her pillow to muffle her laughter.
“I meant I’ll get you off quick,” Alejandro whined, reaching over her to pull the bedside table drawer open and fish around for a condom. “Deja, stop laughing. You know what I meant.”
She turned her head to look at him out of the corner of her right eye. “There are pills for that, you know,” she whispered innocently.
Alejandro smiled and shook his head. “Asshole,” he muttered to himself while Deja broke into laughter again.
She didn’t try to hide it this time.
Alejandro rolled his eyes at her and crawled under the sheets. She heard him muttering against her stomach and thighs as he kissed and licked at her, pushing her legs open and pushing her underwear aside, and then her laughter turned to moans.
His mouth and hands helped her ignore the urgency to do more and be more productive. He grounded her. She’d never had that before. She knew Alejandro was rooting for her and, even better, he was getting her off before her busiest day of the week.
Deja had dated a lot of losers in her life.
Alejandro was no loser.
It took longer than half an hour, and they had to shower together so she wasn’t too late, but letting Alejandro eat her awake and then turn her over and fuck her into her mattress was absolutely worth it. More than worth it.
Great wat to start the day.
***
Two hours later, and Deja was having a very bad day.
It started snowing between her first and second classes. She realized only as she was rushing across campus that she’d been in such a rush that she’d forgotten her gloves and scarf. She didn’t even have a hat in her bag. By the time she made it to her second class, her ears were so cold they hurt, and her fingers were so cold, it was hard to type. It took her three tries to correctly input her password into the classroom computer.
And then her lecture bombed. It wasn’t that she didn’t know the material, but something she’d never appreciated as a student was how much a great lecture was the consequence of a sometimes-elusive mixture of knowledge, practice, and magic. Deja had the knowledge, but definitely not the practice, and even though she knew she was a good teacher, she always felt like a novice the first time she taught a new class, no matter how well she knew the raw material. Figuring out the perfect combination of visuals and discussion and data to keep students engaged — the magic — didn’t come easy to her and standing in front of her students feeling like a thawing popsicle didn’t help.
She was happier than her students when that class was over.
She’d just thawed out only to have to bundle up the best she could and trudge back across campus to Mark Hall, freezing again. Her hands felt like ice blocks by the time she stepped onto the Sociology floor. Her steps faltered for a second as she looked down the East hallway toward her office only to see a line of students already lined up outside her door.
Office hours.
She took a deep breath and began to walk toward her students.
“Hey, Doc,” Jerome yelled when she was close.
She put on her work smile and returned his greeting. “Give me five minutes to put my stuff down, okay, y’all,” she said to the queue. She could hear her Texas accent fighting to come out and knew she must be damn tired.
She unlocked her office and slipped inside. She took off her winter coat, turned the heater up, and plopped into her office chair. She signed into her desktop computer and turned gratefully to the kettle she kept in her office for just these occasions. She grabbed a bottle of water from her stash in the bottom left drawer of her desk, filled her kettle, and turned it on before turning back to her office door. She took another deep breath before pulling it open and kicking the doorstop into place.
She leaned out into the hallway. “I hope you all sorted out an order,” she said to the students waiting for her, a mix of Sociology majors and students from her classes. “Whoever’s first, come on in.”
For the next two hours, she sat behind her desk, sipping at her tea, and took a little solace in the fact that she didn’t have to give another lecture today, even as she ignored the calendar notification about her last meeting of the day.
***
Alejandro had been trying to tamp down on his own happy excitement all day.
Technically, there was very little about his afternoon schedule that would normally inspire any kind of excitement, just meetings and more meetings, but his last meeting of the day was with Deja. Other people would be there too, but Deja was the one that really mattered.
Even though he’d woken up with her in his arms this morning and it had only been a few hours since they’d seen each other, he still felt desperate to be near her again. In truth, that had been the case since he’d arrived back in town from winter break. It seemed like every day, he felt as if he was falling deeper into this pit of need for her, and he didn’t want to crawl out.
The only real downside was the few times he saw her across the Oval or around their building and couldn’t touch her. Sometimes, his fingers would flex with desire, and it would take all his restraint to stop himself, and he was terrified that one day he would fail. She made him feel reckless and that was the last thing they needed.
If it were up to him, he and Deja would have already gone to HR to register their relationship, so at least he didn’t have to stop himself from standing too close to her just in case someone could tell from his body language that they were sleeping together. And maybe once they did that, he could sate his own desire by just holding her hand as they walked across campus together.
But Deja wasn’t ready. When they were off campus, she was all in on their relationship, but it was as if the minute she stepped onto the North Oval, she changed. He didn’t want to push her too hard or too fast to make their relationship University official, because he wasn’t even entirely sure that her reticence was about him. So, until she was ready, he decided to let her set the pace and be happy that they had an hourlong meeting on the books once a month for the rest of the semester and maybe beyond. Whatever it took to snatch just a few more minutes in her presence.
Alejandro checked his watch as he stepped in line at Go Brews!
“What’s up, man?” Mike said behind him, enthusiastic as ever. “You ready for this meeting?”
Alejandro smiled and shrugged. “It’s just a meeting.”
“Sure,” Mike said with a knowing grin.
“Shut up,” Alejandro said.
Mike laughed, and Alejandro rolled his eyes.
He spotted Sheila when she stepped into the coffee shop. He waved at her, and she headed straight toward them and stepped into line next to Alejandro.
“You sure you want to teach them that cutting in line is fair?” he asked, gesturing at the line of students that had formed behind them like magic. This was campus coffee shop rush hour.
Sheila turned to him with a mischievous smile on her face. “We’re historians, not philosophers. All we do is teach them life isn’t fair.”
“That’s harsh, Dr. Meyer,” a student yelled from somewhere down the line.
Sheila turned and squinted at them. “Shannon, have you done the reading for today?” she called.
“I have,” Shannon yelled back, “and you’re being a Gilded Age baron right now, FYI.”
Mike stifled a puff of laughter, and Alejandro smiled.
Sheila broke into a wide smile at her student. “I like the analogy. Five extra credit points.”
“Nice,” Shannon yelled back.
She turned to Alejandro with a wink. “Every moment is a teachable moment,” she said before turning forward again.
The line moved faster than it normally did at this time. Alejandro, Mike, and Sheila ordered and then stepped aside to wait for their drinks.
Out of the blue, Sheila turned to him and peered at him with focused intent. “Are you seeing anyone?” She asked the question lightly, as if, during eight years in the department, they’d ever talked about his personal life, or as if this was a normal question to ask a colleague.
They’d talked about her personal life several times.
Alejandro had always found that it was very common for married faculty to share details of their personal lives without any prompting, and because he was collegial, he listened to them unload about the trials and tribulations of their relationships and children’s lives and inadvertently learned more about them than he ever wanted to know. But part of the reason Alejandro listened was because he didn’t want to share. He was shocked at how easy it was for his colleagues to tell him about their lives and never ask about his, as if he was their therapist. It was rude, but it made it easier to keep his private life private. And the few times someone asked about his relationship status, he tended toward tightlipped, short responses and waited for the conversation to move along.
But Sheila’s question came as a surprise, and Alejandro was unprepared for the overwhelming urge he felt to tell her that he was seeing someone.
“Um,” Alejandro muttered, stalling for time. “Why do you ask?”
In the corner of his eye, he saw Mike turn away to hide his laughter.
Sheila shrugged. “No reason. I just realized that I’ve never asked you that before, and I feel like I know everyone’s situation but yours.”
Alejandro just nodded, panicking inside at wanting to tell her but knowing that he shouldn’t. If Deja wasn’t ready to tell HR, she almost certainly didn’t want the chair of his department to know.
Office Hours Page 17