by J. M. Paul
Connor’s still filled with excitement and playful energy from our night out until he follows my gaze toward the girl and tenses.
The room goes quiet as we watch the showdown between Connor and the blonde.
My eyes flash to Taylyn’s to see her sneering at me. Never in my life have I wanted to deck a chick in the mouth more than I do right now.
“Con, it’s so great to see you,” the blonde says shyly.
“Emily?” Connor’s voice shakes.
And, with that one name—Emily—my world fractures.
Mixed Messages
“What are you doing here?” Connor takes a step closer to her, but our hands are still clasped together.
He glances down to where we’re joined and then up at me with puckered eyebrows. It’s almost as if he’s in a daze, and he doesn’t know why we’re linked.
Dropping his hand, I shove mine into the pockets of my coat.
Emily studies me, and the scrutiny makes me uncomfortable. So, I turn and shut the front door that no one else has managed to close.
“Em?” Connor’s voice seems misplaced—nothing like the confident guy I have grown to admire over the last couple of weeks.
“I know I wasn’t invited this year, but I missed everyone.” Emily steps closer to Connor. “I miss you,” she whispers, hoping no one else can hear, but I’m still standing beside Connor.
“You weren’t invited.” Connor’s voice is ice.
Emily sighs sadly and pulls at the hem of her fuzzy cream cashmere sweater.
She’s much prettier than I hoped—shiny, long blonde hair; feminine features that don’t require much makeup; blue eyes; and a curvy frame. Emily’s the complete opposite of me.
“I know, but it’s the holidays, our favorite.” She gives him a meaningful expression I can’t interpret. “I was hoping we could talk.” The last couple of words trail into a whisper.
I toe my boots off and start to move away from the group to head to my bedroom. Maybe, if I go to sleep, when I wake up in the morning, I’ll find this was all a bad dream.
Connor stops me. “Where are you going?”
My eyes fall to where Connor’s gripping me and then lift to find Emily staring at our conjoined hands. When her eyes lift to mine, I see questions I don’t know the answers to written in her hurt gaze.
“I’m heading to bed. It’s been a long day.” I exhale a shaky breath. “I assume you need privacy to discuss … this.”
There are rumblings from around the group—everyone deciding Connor and Emily don’t need an audience but wanting to stay and hear what happens.
“No, stay,” he begs.
I shake my head, telling him without words that I don’t want to know what’s going on right now. That I need to quietly close myself off in my bedroom and wrap my head around this development.
Our relationship—if that’s what this is—is too fresh for me to handle anything more than what it is … or was. Connor needs time with Emily to discuss, face-to-face, whatever’s happened between them.
Connor nods hesitantly, but before he lets me go, he pulls me close and kisses the top of my head. When he straightens, he looks deeply into my eyes. “You have nothing to worry about. I’ll come to you when this is done, okay?” he whispers so faintly, I can barely hear him.
I smile sadly and then excuse myself.
Shutting my bedroom door, I lean back against it and slide down to the floor.
This is why I’ve remained a loner the last two years. It’s not that I haven’t wanted companionship; it’s the fact that my heart can’t take more hits than it’s already been given. First, Nicholas, then losing my parents, and then Evelyn disowning me … it’s too much in a short period of time.
When I open my eyes, I realize tears are trickling down my cheeks, and I wipe them away before I stand and remove the rest of my winter gear.
I turn on the fireplace and enter the bathroom to run a bath. I’m not one to take baths often, but I need to draw out the bad vibes and watch them float down the drain.
When I climb out of the water, my skin is pruney. My body feels relaxed, but my mind is still circling at lightning speed.
After I dry off, I lather my body in my favorite holiday-scented lotion that I haven’t allowed myself to wear in two years. I don’t know what came over me to purchase it for this trip. That’s a lie. I know exactly what persuaded me, but since he’s talking to his maybe girlfriend, it makes me feel foolish.
When I’m dressed, I pull on my favorite pair of cabin socks, turn off the lights, and climb into bed. I stare up at the ceiling, and it stares right back at me.
So many thoughts swirl around in my head, tangling into a headache. I roll onto my side and watch the flames of the fire dance and twirl as if they don’t have a care in the world.
I’m not sure how long I lie there, watching the bouncing flickers of light, when a gentle knock sounds at my door. I can guess that it’s Connor because no one else knows me well enough to bother me at this time of night.
When I don’t answer, the door cracks open, a muted light reflecting against the windows.
“Noel?” Connor whispers into the room.
I don’t move, hoping he’ll think I’m asleep and leave me alone.
He slips inside, closes and locks the door behind him, and lightly steps toward my bed. The mattress dips when he sits on the edge, and I can hear him breathing.
Afraid to move, to blink, to do anything, I lie completely still.
“Nothing happened with Emily,” he says into the stillness. “She wanted to try to clear the air. To try to salvage our friendship.”
His hand brushes my hair back from my cheek, and he bends down to place a gentle kiss behind my ear.
“I find that hard to believe,” I say.
I’m not hugely experienced when it comes to relationships, but I can smell bullshit when it’s being fed to me. Maybe that’s what Emily told Connor, and he might believe her, but I know girls fight dirty when we want something. I saw the feral look in Emily’s eyes when she zeroed in on my hand in Connor’s. That was no look of innocence.
“So, you are awake.” There’s humor in Connor’s tone.
“I’d have to be a hibernating bear to sleep through your breaking-and-entering efforts.” I flip over to face him. “I wouldn’t take up burglary as your second profession. You’d fail miserably and spend your life in jail.”
“You think so?” His dimples dent his cheeks.
“Mmhmm. And someone as pretty as you is bound to get eaten alive in a place like that.” I wiggle my brows. “I’d be careful if I were you. You should watch your back.”
“Hmm. Would you save me from the big, bad wolves by being my character witness?” Connor stretches out next to me, so we’re eye-level.
I wave him off.
“You so totally would.” He pecks my nose and then moves to kiss me on the lips, but I place my hand on his chest and push him back.
It’s dark in my room, but the low, flickering glow from the fireplace in the corner lightens his features. His brows knit together as his eyes assess me.
Right now, with Emily somewhere in this cabin, I feel vulnerable, and it’s not a sensation I’m used to or care to experience. Normally, I plow through any obstacle set in front of me, but Connor has a way of exposing my weaknesses.
I don’t like it.
“What’s wrong?” Connor asks.
I flop on my back and blink up at the ceiling again. Unease starts to gnaw at my ribs, and my stomach twists in a fight against what I want and what I know.
“I meant what I said when I told you I wouldn’t be someone’s side chick. Not yours, not anyone’s.” I chew on the side of my cheek.
Connor scratches the stubble on his chin and then rubs against his jaw. “I remember,” he says.
The silence between us is so heavy, I can feel the weight pressing against my chest. I release a harsh breath and open my mouth to speak, but Connor places a finger over m
y lips.
When he determines that I’m not going to say anything, he says, “Emily and I had a long-term relationship, and yes, there were feelings involved that we’re still working through, but that’s it.” Connor’s hand slinks over my stomach to my hip where he pulls me closer to him. “It’s over between us.”
“Again, I find that hard to believe, Connor. A girl doesn’t show up at her ex-boyfriend’s ski trip, unannounced, to simply clear the air.” I remove his gripping fingers from my skin. “Especially when he’s brought along what she thinks is a new love interest.”
Before I grasp what’s happening, Connor has my hands pinned over my head, and his body’s hovering over mine.
Warm, wet lips graze against my neck before he meets my gaze. “What Emily does isn’t my concern anymore. Her friends are here; she hasn’t seen them in several months. And, if she knew about you, I assume Taylyn had something to do with that, but none of it matters. What matters”—he nips my chin with his teeth—“is you and me.”
Instinct causes my body to arch up into his, pressing us together in a way that’s divine. Connor groans, and I close my eyes and sigh, trying to get closer to relieve the sudden pressure building low in my core.
“Connor, stop. I don’t …” I lick my lips and moan. “This isn’t right.”
He stills but doesn’t move away from me. When I open my lids, he’s staring down at me, enraptured.
“You’re just as beautiful as you are confusing.” Connor trails his index finger from my forehead to the tip of my nose and then traces the outline of my mouth.
Confusing?
Maybe I am sending mixed messages, but my body wants one thing while my head wants another. It’s a battle between craving Connor and maintaining my pride because I deserve more.
“Yes, well, at least I’m not transparent.”
“No, that you’re not.” He shifts to the side, breaking our contact. “You might say whatever’s on your mind, but you also keep a hell of a lot locked up inside that fascinating brain of yours.” Entwining his fingers with mine, he lifts my hand and plants a soft kiss on my knuckles. “And I have every intention of unlocking every mystery, Journal Girl, so prepare yourself.”
“Oh crap,” I say sarcastically. “You had better be prepared. I’m a writer, so my mind’s a scary place to hang out.”
Connor shakes his head. “I think I can handle it.”
“So you think.” Unable to help myself, I yawn loudly. It’s late in Montana, which means it’s even later in Michigan.
Connor chuckles. “Want me to go, so you can get some rest, sleepyhead?”
“No, stay.” I snuggle down into the bed and yawn again.
“You sure?”
“Mmhmm. But no funny business,” I slur.
“No funny business,” Connor promises and kisses my forehead before I drift into a soundless sleep.
Rolling over, I stretch and reach out, expecting to feel Connor beside me. When my hand comes into contact with a cold mattress, I open my eyes and find that I’m alone.
Was it just a dream that he slept with me last night?
No, I remember our talk, falling asleep in his arms, and him snoring quietly. Our discussion didn’t resolve anything between us—I’m still uncertain of Emily—but Connor said he didn’t want anything to do with her and was focusing on me.
Ha! Take that, Emily and Taylyn.
Pushing back the covers, I prepare myself for the cold. We have two more days in Big Sky, and when everyone goes skiing today, I plan to write until my fingers fall off.
When I round the bed, I find Connor’s shoes discarded on the floor and grin.
It wasn’t a dream.
Quietly, I open my door and tiptoe down the hallway toward the kitchen and the promise of coffee. I’m also curious as to where Connor snuck off to.
I freeze as soon as I round the corner and see Connor and Emily in a deep discussion in the kitchen. Before they notice me, I slink back into the shadows of the hallway to listen to their hushed voices.
“Con, I made a mistake. It meant nothing to me,” Emily says pleadingly.
“It meant something to me, Em. It meant a hell of a lot to me,” Connor growls softly.
“I know.” Shame is in her voice. “I’m sorry. I can’t tell you how much I regret what I did. I also know it doesn’t matter what I say; it won’t make it better. So, let me prove it to you.”
There’s movement, shuffling. I cautiously peek around the corner and see Emily standing close to Connor, her hand over his on the island.
“I still love you, Con.” There’s so much reverence in those words, and it makes my stomach turn. “We were in love, and that doesn’t just go away. Despite what you say, I can see in your eyes that you still love me, too.”
Emily lifts her hand to caress Connor’s cheek, and he doesn’t pull away. His eyes close, and I can’t tell if it’s pain or adoration on his face. My chest feels hollow.
All three of us—Connor and Emily unknowing of my presence—stand with the weight of the moment suspended over us, wondering whose life is going to change the most.
Watching the two of them together makes me realize how much of an outsider I am, and I’m not certain why I’m even on this trip. What possessed me to come when my best friend’s at home, dealing with a family emergency? I should be where I’m needed, where I’m wanted, not here, watching a guy I think I’m falling for possibly rekindle his relationship with his ex-girlfriend.
“I can’t do this, Em.” Connor shoves Emily’s hand off his face and pulls his other out from under hers.
When he steps back, his eyes lift and meet mine through the dim light across the room. Connor blinks several times, his brows knitting together. Something between us shifts, and I feel the weight of it pressing against me.
There’s always one defining moment in any relationship, and what happens in the next few seconds is Connor’s and mine.
We continue to stare at each other until my heart pounds so loudly in my head, I don’t think I can hold it up anymore. Breaking our contact, I let my chin fall to my chest and turn to head back toward my room.
I’m not going to stand by while he battles through how to handle his guilt.
“Noel.”
The firm yet contrite tone Connor uses halts me in place, but I don’t move to face him. My heart isn’t strong enough to brave the shame most likely present in his gaze.
“Come here,” Connor says.
“That’s all right. Sorry to interrupt.” I throw a wave over my shoulder and take one step down the hall.
“Noel, please,” Connor pleads. I hear him move toward me. “Please come here, just for a second.”
All it will take is one second for him to rip out my heart and repeatedly stab it when it’s already crippled, broken, and bleeding. As strong of a front as I put up, I’m fragile deep down in the recesses I keep hidden from everyone.
“Noel.” It’s said so quietly, I’m not sure if he actually spoke it or I dreamed I’d heard it.
Slowly, I pivot toward him and brace myself before I meet his eyes.
Connor’s studying me, and I hold his gaze, wondering what he’s thinking. After what seems like an eternity of us trying to read each other, he holds out his hand for me to take. It hangs there between us—me scrutinizing what it means and him watching me.
He wiggles his fingers in a beckoning way, and before I can stop myself, I move to him. He entwines our fingers and pulls me close. I stiffen when he leans in, inhales, and then places a delicate kiss on my forehead. When he pulls back, the corner of his mouth twists into a half-smile, exposing one of his dimples.
Before I have a chance to question what’s happening, he leads me over toward Emily. She’s gone pale, her shoulders hunched, and her glassy eyes flit back and forth between Connor and me.
“Emily, this is my girlfriend, Noel.”
At the word girlfriend, my head jerks up, and I search his face, but he’s focused on Emily. Con
nor pulls me to his side and drapes his arm over my shoulders in a possessive and telling move.
Emily’s lips press into a thin line, and her eyes don’t stray from Connor’s. I would feel bad for her—in a girl-tribe kind of way—but she’s a cheater. And this homey don’t play that game. Commit one hundred percent or get out.
I observe the exchange between them. Connor stands tall, shoulders back, and is wearing a firm expression. Emily is slumped, eyes wide and shiny, and her palm is at her throat.
After several long moments pass, Emily finally acknowledges me but doesn’t say anything. I arch a brow, but she simply fixates on Connor again.
“No, Connor. No.” She vigorously shakes her head.
“Yes.”
“But … but …” Tears well in her eyes, and her bottom lip quivers. “I still love you.”
Despite myself, I find I do feel a little sorry for her. This man hasn’t been in my life for more than a minute, but I don’t want to lose him now that he’s here. It must kill her to know she did this to herself.
“You throw that word around like beads at Mardi Gras, Em.” He shoves his free hand into the pocket of his black jeans. “It’s not a salve that magically makes things better. Love isn’t always enough to mend what’s been wronged.”
“You can’t tell me you don’t still love me, Con.” She rubs her arms.
“I don’t have to tell you anything.” He angles his head at her. “But I will tell you, I’ve had enough of this discussion. Since you’re here, you can stay, but leave me the hell alone.”
With that, he leads us down the hallway where Trey’s exiting the bathroom.
“Hey, guys.” Trey yawns and scratches his lower stomach. “You ready to hit the slopes, man?”
“Soon. Give me a sec.” Connor steers us toward my room.
“Wow, only takes a sec, huh?” Trey’s forehead wrinkles. “Sorry, Lunar, I thought he had more stamina.”
“Screw off, Trey,” Connor grumbles before he slams the door in Trey’s face.
Trey’s deep laugh echoes down the hallway and eventually fades to nothing.