by Alta Hensley
“This is my job, Evan. I kept quiet because I knew you all wouldn't allow me in. Yes, I lied and I was stupid. But I was telling the truth when I told you that I loved you.”
The words felt like a blow to his face. He spun around. “Don’t ever say those words to me again. I trusted you! I don’t trust many, but I thought I could with you!”
Ruby tried to grab his hand, but Evan quickly pulled it away. “But I do!”
Evan didn’t want to ask, but he had to know. “Did you use me for fame or for getting your curiosity filled? Did you fake being submissive? You submitted to me for the sake of a story, huh? Bravo. Job well done.”
Ruby looked as if she had just been slapped. “Please don’t do this. Don’t be mean.”
Tears threatened to escape Evan’s eyes. It was all he could do to not lose it and punch his fist through a wall. He had to leave before they made any more of a scene. He was embarrassed enough.
“Good bye, Ruby.” Evan nodded at his dumbfounded friends. “See you guys later.”
He rushed out of the room without looking back.
“Evan, please, don’t do this,” he could hear Ruby cry.
Chapter 18
“He's got this all wrong! I swear I haven't been faking my feelings just because of this stupid article.” The tears streamed down her cheeks, no doubt dripping make-up all over her face. The only thing Ruby cared about right now was fixing things with Evan. She pulled her phone out of her purse and started dialing Evan’s number frantically.
“Give it a moment, Ruby,” Adam said as he walked up and grabbed the phone.
Ruby looked at him and started to sob, desperately trying to catch her breath. “But I have to. I've never seen Evan so mad.”
Adam nodded. “I’ve never seen him like that, either. You broke his heart.”
“That was fucked up, Ruby,” Gage said. “Evan really loved you.”
Ruby took a deep breath attempting to regain composure. “I love Evan. This was a stupid lie that I let get out of hand. I swear to you I wasn't using him. I've been nothing but honest about my feelings with Evan.” She reached for her phone. “I need to let Evan know that.”
“Were you ever planning on telling him? If it was no big deal, then why the hell keep the secret?” Gage asked, disgusted.
Gage walked away toward the photo set without waiting for an answer. Ruby wanted to crumple in a ball and just cry. She had allowed this all to happen.
“If you want my advice, just leave Evan alone for a while.” The disappointment in Adam’s eyes stabbed at Ruby's heart. He turned without saying goodbye and walked toward Gage.
Ruby released another wave of tears, but quickly dried them up when she noticed Maxine staring on with vindication all over her face. Ruby wanted to walk over and knock it right off. That little bitch loved every second of this. The sad thing was that Ruby looked a whole lot worse in people's eyes than Maxine did.
She turned and made her way outside so she could call a cab for a ride home. She broke down again as soon as she felt the cool air hit her face. Anger replaced her sadness. She was so angry at herself for letting such a stupid and insignificant thing get so out of control. This was ridiculous! She had lost Evan over something so stupid and it was all her fault. All she had to do was tell the truth a long time ago.
Adam was probably right, she decided. Now was not the time to try to explain, with Evan so upset. She’d wait until the morning to call him. She had nothing left in her to give.
****
Glad to be home and away from the judging eyes, she reached for the glass of wine on the edge of the table and drank. Ruby picked up the bottle of chardonnay and filled the empty glass, sloshing a bit on the floor.
She stared at the darkness in front of her, allowing the tears to flow down her face. She took a healthy swig of the liquor, steeling herself for the truth.
It was my fault. I lost Evan.
Ruby leaned back in her chair. “Fuck,” she muttered. She stared at her glass, berating herself for doing something so stupid.
Glancing at the clock, she noticed it was past midnight. Time for bed, if it was even possible to fall asleep. Cradling the nearly empty bottle of wine under her arm, she flipped off the kitchen light, picked up the empty glass, and stumbled upstairs to her bedroom.
After climbing beneath the covers, she poured herself one last glass, hoping it would bring on the desired narcotic effect. Leaning back against the pillows, she took a sip of the cool liquid, letting it soothe her palate. She swallowed, welcoming the warmth spreading in her chest, craving the oblivion that would erase the pain of losing Evan.
Despair was the only thing left.
****
The high-pitched, ear-shattering ring of her phone had Ruby reaching for it frantically. It was early, but she had been up all night tossing and turning anyway. She held her breath, hoping it was Evan returning the messages she had been leaving. She reached over and looked at her phone. It was Harold. She had left a frantic message for him as well.
“Hello?” Ruby stood at the kitchen sink, the cup of coffee in her hand, an ineffective antidote for her throbbing temples.
“What's going on? I couldn't make out anything in your message. All I heard was crying.” Panic blanketed Harold's voice.
Tears welled up in her eyes again. “I messed up, Harold. I've lost Evan because I was a stupid fool.” The tears turned to sobs.
“Calm down, take a deep breath,” he soothed. “What happened?”
“I lied! I lied about this stupid article, and I kept it from him, and then it came to light in the worst way, and…” Ruby blurted out the rest of the evening in a blabbering jumble of words, tears, sobs, and exhausted thoughts.
There was silence on the other end, then a sigh. “I'm sure once Evan calms down, you'll be able to explain,” he said. “But it doesn't look good. That's for sure.”
Ruby wiped at her eyes and blew her nose. She hoped he was right. The thought of being without Evan killed her.
“It’ll be okay. You need to calm down, get some rest, and give it a little time. I'm sure Evan will forgive you.”
“No, he won't. He thinks I've been using him for this damn article!” Ruby’s declaration, louder than she’d intended, caused an icicle of pain in her skull.
“Well, if you love him as much as I think you do, you'll just have to try your hardest to convince him of that.”
She took a deep, consoling breath as she watched Melanie walk into the kitchen. Word of what happened had clearly made it to Melanie. Ruby knew she had a lecture coming, or an ‘I told you so’. She quickly ended her conversation with Harold, promising she would keep him updated.
Ruby sat down and tried to give a weak smile. Faking her happiness to her good friend would be futile, but at least she would try.
Melanie frowned. “You look like shit. I take it the rumors I heard are true.”
“Can we not talk about it?” Ruby sighed as she sipped on her much-needed cup of coffee.
“Not an option,” Melanie declared as she grabbed a mug. “Why didn't you tell him?”
Ruby shrugged. “It's over, Melanie. I don't see the point in discussing this any further. It is what it is.”
“Bullshit.” Melanie actually looked angry. “I see how much you love him. Your heart has been ripped out of your chest. Don't even try lying to me.”
Ruby grabbed a spoon and fiddled with it between her fingers. For the first time, Melanie made her uncomfortable.
“Seriously, Ruby. I don't understand why you have to be so damn stubborn. You love this guy. It's obvious that you do. So why are you so determined to try to destroy it? Fight for him!”
“It’s more complicated than just love. He feels betrayed.”
Melanie nodded in agreement. “As he should. But you can fix this.”
“You didn’t see his face. It’s over now.” Ruby took a drink before adding, “I’m not in the mood to hear a lecture. I’m letting you know that I'm leaving
soon. I need to get back to S.F.”
Melanie crossed her arms, leaned back in her chair, and glared in response.
Ruby shifted in her seat. “You look mad. Come on, Melanie. Don't be mad at me.”
Melanie continued to glare.
“You knew I wasn’t planning on staying for long. I need to figure my life out and, well…”
The silent glare from Melanie continued.
“Stop staring at me like that! You're making me feel bad.”
Melanie took a deep breath before speaking. “This is typical Ruby.”
Ruby could feel her temper rising. “And what do you mean by that?”
“You run when you get scared. You're a coward.” Melanie had never sounded so blunt and harsh before.
Ruby's temper boiled over. “You have no idea what you're talking about! Not everyone can have Happily Ever After. We all don't live in a fantasy world!”
“My life isn’t always a fairytale. But I take chances in life. I take risks on love and life and hopefully will someday reap the rewards.” Melanie leaned forward on the table with a scowl on her face. “You're stronger than this, Ruby. You have to stop running. You need to stand up and fight for what you want.”
“Evan made his feelings clear.”
“Oh, stop that line of bull!” Melanie interrupted.
Ruby loved Melanie with her whole heart, but she had the urge to rip her hair out. The truth of the matter was, she knew Melanie had a point.
“Maybe you're right,” Ruby softly admitted.
Melanie looked up from her coffee with a satisfied smirk on her face.
Ruby tried to swallow the forming ball in the back of her throat. “But it doesn't really matter now. I messed up, I managed to push Evan away, whether I like it or not.”
“I'm not so sure about that. I think all you have to do is be honest with yourself and honest with him. I think you could work it out if you really wanted to.”
Ruby shook her head and fought back the building tears. “How? I lied. I chased him away when all he wanted to do was love me. He has no idea how much I love him and want to share my life with him.”
Melanie reached across the table and grabbed Ruby's hand. “Then, tell him that. Swallow your pride and be honest. He's worth that.”
Ruby looked down at her lap in defeat. “I'm not sure that I can.”
Melanie was a good friend, always had been. But sitting here with her made Ruby suddenly realize how much she loved her. It was comforting to know she had someone to lean on. Many people didn't like Melanie Dexter, but Ruby always saw the good. Right now, Ruby saw even more. Wisdom. Melanie might be a tad spoiled, and definitely self-centered, but her larger-than-life attitude pulled you in. She exuded confidence and spontaneity. And she'd always treated Ruby with nothing but kindness and loving support. Melanie's reputation was no secret. She was known for sleeping around and being sexually adventurous, but Ruby suspected there was more to it than she knew.
Melanie seemed to ponder Ruby's statement of defeat. “From the moment you met Evan, I saw the shadows in your eyes. Something has you scared, Ruby.” Melanie reached across the table and gripped Ruby's hand. “You need to let go of your doubts,” she urged. “You have a really good thing.”
Ruby swallowed.
When she didn't say a word, Melanie gently squeezed her hand. “I want so bad what you and Evan have. I look on with envy. Not because he's the famous Evan Steel, but because I can see the love between you two. I know I put off the image that I'm some big slut,” Melanie began, her voice breaking on that last word. “And I guess maybe I am. It's true – I do experiment a lot… with people. I just… I feel lonely, you know? Have you ever been surrounded by people, yet you feel so alone?”
“Yes,” Ruby whispered. Alone was not a foreign feeling for her.
“That's how I felt all my life,” Melanie confessed. Her eyes darkened to a stormy gray. “My mother ran out on us when I was six, my father was a drug addict, my older brother was overcome with rage and still is. And then I met Marshall in high school, and I thought life would be different.” She gave a weak smile. “So I married him at eighteen. I had a husband, a man who claimed to love me, a man who said I was the most important thing in his life. But he lied. Marshall was always gone, off with his buddies and other women. He didn't spend any time with me. We were newlyweds, and all he wanted to do was be with anyone else but me.”
Ruby sat in silence, stunned by the confession. She never knew Melanie had ever been married.
“I was bored. And lonely.” Melanie swallowed. “And I cheated on him. Call me heartless if you want, but I was weak. I just wanted someone to love me and give me attention. I didn't want to be alone. I'd been alone my whole life. After a very short marriage, we divorced.” She paused and took a deep breath. “I guess you could say I've been trying to find myself since. I'm just trying to find someone to love me… as broken as I may be.”
Ruby wanted to reach out and hug her friend, but remained still so Melanie could continue.
Melanie picked up her coffee cup. “So that's it, my sordid tale. You think I'm confident, that I have no insecurities? That's a lie. I'm still the same timid little girl who cried and never got enough love. I'm a cheater, a liar, and I use people to fill my empty void. I'm not always proud of that, but it's my truth. And I'm lonely. Really, really, lonely.”
Although Ruby didn't agree with Melanie's decisions on how to deal with her loneliness, Ruby couldn’t feel anything but admiration and respect for the woman. And she couldn't judge Melanie, any more than Melanie judged Ruby.
“You're lucky, Ruby. You don't have to be alone,” Melanie said softly, still clutching Ruby's hand. “Don't give up on Evan.”
****
Evan leaned his head back against the leather seat and closed his eyes, only half-listening to the booming music of the club. It had been a couple of weeks since he last saw Ruby. Still having to make a living, he had no choice but to make an appearance at the club where Ruby worked. It wasn't like he had anything to worry about. He had moved past Ruby. He had no choice.
He sat there alone. Not that he couldn't have found a willing partner to keep him company, but the idea held no appeal for Evan. After the heartbreak of Ruby, he was done with women for a while. Although the idea of meaningless sex to temporarily fill a void looked more tempting by the day. Nothing more, nothing less. Evan decided after Ruby crushed his heart that the whole “happily-ever-after” thing was just a foolish fantasy.
His glance moved to the crowded bar at the other end of the club. He didn't have to see Ruby to know she was there. Which was the reason Evan would avoid the bar at all costs. Plenty of people could stand between them, and he hoped he didn’t have to see Ruby ever again. The pain would be too much. He shrugged off the dark thoughts and leaned his head against the seat again, thankful for the crowd of people to provide a shield between the two of them.
“Are you going to sulk all night?” Gage asked as he sat next to Evan, handing him a beer.
Evan shrugged.
“Come on. You’re going to have to face her eventually. Avoiding the situation isn’t going to make it go away.”
“It’s over. No need to dwell on it,” Evan replied as he took a large swig of the drink.
“So, you don’t mind knowing that she’s over there working. I saw her.”
Evan shrugged.
“You're going to lose her, man,” Gage warned.
“I already did.” Evan replied. He took a large gulp of the beer in front of him to try to numb the pain in his heart that Gage was drudging up again. The past two weeks had been absolute hell.
“No, I mean if you don't get off your stubborn ass, she's going to take off and head back to San Francisco.”
“She's leaving? What do you mean?”
“I mean, I heard she was leaving town unless you stop wallowing in your self-imposed misery and put an end to this breakup.”
Panic sunk in at the thought of knowing Ru
by would leave Seattle. “Have you forgotten that she used me? She doesn't want me. She doesn't love me.” Saying the words stung.
“Ah, for Christ’s sake, you have got to be kidding me! You know damn well that she loves you.” Gage placed cash for the tip on the table as new drinks arrived. “Let me tell you something about Ruby. She loves you, she's hurting, and she's scared. She's also unsure what to do and won't make the first move.”
“I'm not so sure that it's as simple as that. She's not part of our lifestyle, and she's here for a damn book deal.”
Gage shook his head. “I don't agree. She messed up. No doubt about that. But she gave you everything. She committed to you and everything you believe in. But let's face it, man. You aren't doing a real good job at fighting for her.”
Evan looked down at his beer for a few moments before answering, “I guess you're right. I really fucked things up.”
“You have to fight for what you want. You have to make her know that you will never just let her walk away. She needs to know you will always fight for the relationship.” Gage shrugged. “That's my advice at least, for what it's worth.”
Evan nodded as he contemplated what Gage told him.
“If you love her like you say you do, then you better get over there and convince her that you two are solid,” Gage added.
“I do love her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.”
“Wanted or want?” Gage raised an eyebrow in question.
Evan smirked back. “Want. I definitely want to spend the rest of my life with her. But then, I'm not sure if I can ever trust her again. I'm still so fucking pissed!”
Gage tilted his glass towards Evan's and replied, “Well, I guess you better work through those feelings. She's worth it, dude.”
Evan frowned, sitting up straighter, intently trying not to act bothered. Evan should have known that to think being in the same room with Ruby wouldn’t bother him was dumb. Pain stabbed at his heart.