by J. D. Walker
He hitched up a shoulder but said nothing, his brown eyes dull when he looked up at me briefly before glancing away. And Marlene hadn’t said anything, as usual. That woman…
“Come on. We’ll go into my office.” I turned to go, and startled when he grabbed my hand as I led the way through the curious crowd. Gosh, didn’t they have anything better to do but gawk?
I sent Ferdie out front and told them to finish inventory later. Ferdie nodded and said they would make sure I wasn’t disturbed unless it was an emergency. I sat Beebub on the sofa I’d put in the wide office so I could have a place to sleep when I worked late and didn’t feel like driving home. Which happened frequently.
There was a variety of soda in the employee kitchen. Grabbing the grape, I brought it back, along with a plate of chocolate chip cookies I’d made for the staff that day. Beebub was stretched out on the couch, his eyes closed.
I set everything on the floor and drew up a chair next to the couch. “What happened to you?” I asked, wanting to fix everything and make it better, because, no matter what, Beebub still affected me in the worst way, and it seemed like he could use a friend.
“You were right about Sean,” was all he said before lapsing into silence. Damn.
After digesting those words, I said, “Is he in prison, at least?”
“Yes.” That word had a grim finality that saddened me. I handed Beebub a cookie, which he finished in one big bite. I set the plate on his chest, and he finished the rest of its contents in no time.
“How long did it take you to recover?”
“I was in the hospital for a while, and I took time off work. The firm was very understanding, for which I am grateful.”
“How long are you here for?”
He set the plate on the floor and sat up, looking me dead in the eye. “I’m moving back home.”
“You what?” That was the last thing I had expected to hear. The next time I saw Marlene, we would have words.
“Shocking, I know. Marlene is getting on in years, and I need to be closer to her. To…you.” When I started to say something, he cut me off. “I don’t expect anything, Gabe, but, maybe we can talk sometime? Listen to me say I’m sorry for hurting you like I did all those years ago? I…well, anyway. I’ll be doing some consulting work for the surrounding towns, which will keep me busy enough.”
He stood and I looked up at him, not sure how to feel about the revelations of the afternoon. “I’ll be around, and you know where to find me if you want to talk.” He lifted a hand to his face but dropped it quickly. “You’ve done well for yourself, Gabe. Maybe if I’d have stayed, I’d be doing well, too.”
* * * *
Christmas
Beebub invited me over for dinner on Christmas Day, but I told him I had plans. Marlene knew of my yearly tradition to visit my dad’s gravesite and spend some time there. December 25th had been his birthday.
I had been talking to Beebub off and on since he’d returned home. We’d both been busy, what with the Christmas sales at the store, the winter festival, and him settling into life here again and traveling a fair amount.
A lot had happened to him in the seven years since we’d seen each other last, including Sean’s attack. He and Sean had broken up a few years after I’d seen them together, and that’s when the troubles began. His ex had called all the time, and Beebub had changed his number frequently. Beebub had gotten a restraining order, but Sean kept up the harassment. When Beebub was on a date, Sean would show up and cause a scene. He had even turned up at Beebub’s work, and security had become involved.
It had all culminated in the incident eight months ago that had scarred Beebub’s face, and his soul.
“I was so full of myself that I didn’t see the truth right in front of me. I’ll never forgive myself for that, for being so stupid,” Beebub had said a few days ago as we sat in our childhood spot in the fields beyond my house. I hadn’t known what to say. All I could do was listen as he poured out his story and all that he’d gone through.
And he’d apologized for the words between us years before. “I thought I was larger than life. That I knew everything, and I hurt you, immeasurably, and Marlene. I hope you can forgive me for being such an ass. I’m truly sorry for what I said, for how I acted. I deserved that punch you gave me, and so much more. You saw the truth of everything long before I ever did.”
I thanked him for the apology and said we should try to put it behind us. He’d been through enough, and I had said hurtful things, too.
Now, when I arrived at the town cemetery late Christmas morning, I parked the truck, which sputtered more and more lately, and walked to where my dad had been buried. I cleaned his gravestone and the area around it of leftover dirty snow and leaves from the storm a few days back. I told him all the things that had happened in the past year. How Beebub had come home, damaged and broken, just like the day we’d met, and I wasn’t sure if he’d ever truly recover. I wished my dad were here to tell me what to do.
I hadn’t wanted to still have feelings for Beebub after all this time, but I did. He was hurting, and I didn’t want to make things worse. Who was to say if he even wanted to deal with any sort of relationship with anyone after what he’d been through? I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t.
I remained there for most of the afternoon, listening to the gentle wind. If I were honest, I was glad Beebub was home, no matter the reason.
After I left the cemetery and arrived home, I was surprised to find my childhood friend sitting on the steps in front of my door, huddled in his eggplant-colored parka, blue jeans, thick gloves, and sturdy boots.
The truck shut off with a cough and I got out, closing the door with a slam. As I walked toward Beebub, I called, “How long have you been sitting out here?”
“A while.” He stood and followed me inside once I’d unlocked the door. I was glad for the heat, and he was, too, probably. “Marlene didn’t say where you went. Everything okay?”
I nodded as I removed my outerwear, hanging the worn coat on the hooks near the door. I took his jacket and hung it, as well, before leading the way to the kitchen.
“I spend time with my dad every Christmas.” I set about making coffee while Beebub sat at the table.
“That’s right. It would have been his birthday today.” I was surprised—and pleased—he’d remembered.
After a few minutes, I handed over a steaming cup and sat across from him. “It’s my way of keeping him close, even though he’s gone.” For a moment, my mouth trembled, and I hid it by taking a sip.
“It must have been hard, losing him like that. I’m sorry you had to go through that by yourself.”
“I had Marlene. We comforted each other.”
Beebub was silent for a minute. “I’m glad.”
I stared at the setting sun through the window, enjoying the peace between Beebub and I. After a while, I poured more coffee. “How are you doing?”
He tapped a finger on the rim of his cup. “I’m looking around for a place of my own. A house two miles down the road is up for sale and I’m keeping an eye on it. I also have some projects lined up for the new year, and a few proposals to send out.”
“That’s great to hear, but I meant on a personal level. Are you…okay?”
A glimmer of his old smirk made an appearance. “You want to know if I’ve moved on? If Sean ruined me for relationships in general? Or if you still have a chance, is that it?”
I came really close to pounding his head with a skillet, but Beebub must have seen murder in my eye, because he sobered.
“Forgive me. That was uncalled for. I’m okay. The trauma has passed, and the nightmares are mostly gone. I’ve even dated with a few men, here and there, but nothing serious so far.” He seemed hesitant as he continued, “There is this guy, though, who I really want to get to know again, but I’m afraid of moving forward.” And the way he stared at me said it all.
“You can’t be serious! First, you make fun of my feelings for you,
and now you want—”
He raised a hand as if to ward me off. “I know. I’m an ass, and self-centered, but I wish you would give me a chance to really show you I’ve changed. Haven’t I been through enough? Aren’t my scars…?” He sighed and rubbed a hand over his forehead. “I need someone stable in my life, and you were always there for me. I know I abandoned you, and flaunted Sean in your face, but—”
“And it’s still all about you!” I said, talking over him. He made me so mad. “Didn’t Sean teach you anything? Just because someone loves you doesn’t mean you can take advantage of them.”
“That’s not how I meant it! I want to build something with you. What am I missing here?”
Everything, moron.
I was tired. “Just go home, Beebub.”
“Gabby, come on. Don’t be like this.”
My fingers twitched. “Unless you want me to punch you again and add another bump to your nose, I suggest you leave.” Before I embarrassed myself by sobbing in front of him.
Beebub scowled as he stood. “God, you can be so frustrating. What happened to the kid who would follow me anywhere? Like a goddamn puppy?” That dig wasn’t fair.
“He grew up and realized that the love of his life was an egotistical, self-centered son of a bitch.”
“Fine.”
Seconds later, he was gone, but I still had trouble breathing, and, for some reason, my vision blurred.
* * * *
Spring
It was the day of the March Fun Fest, an event I’d helped put on for the first time a few years ago. Now, it was a huge deal, attended by people from towns near and far. There were lots of activities for children and adults, along with a five-k run and a one-mile stroll for kids up to age eight. There was even a “rainbow” booth to provide information to the community at large about sexuality and gender. That had been at my urging.
The town itself still had a fair amount of narrow-minded, bigoted citizens, but more and more, it was the younger members of the community who were changing things, and I was glad. Quite a few of the people I had grown up with had left, but just as many had stayed, and some had even apologized to me for the things they’d said and done in the past, which about knocked me over with a snowflake.
I had seen Beebub off and on in the months following that fraught Christmas Day, but aside from brooding and staring at me like a pouting five-year-old kid, he didn’t say much to me, or I to him, unless we crossed paths.
Marlene had stopped by my office at the store a few days after Christmas to ask why Beebub had a long face and was being more of a stubborn ass than usual. When I explained it all to her, she rolled her eyes and huffed. “What are the two of you, thirteen? I wish I could lock both of you away in a cell overnight again until you act like adults. Worked the last time.”
She sighed and sat forward on the couch. “Beebub is heavy-handed and arrogant, and Lord knows I enabled that over the years, but he does have feelings for you. Always did. He had itchy feet, however, and thought the wider world would give him what he wanted, despite leaving you behind.” She paused. “Yes, I encouraged him, and you can hate me for it. But I believed you needed time apart to learn who you both were as separate people, without the symbiosis that was natural to the two of you. You’ve both done that, and have dealt with tragedies and successes. I feel you’re stronger for it, more mature, for the most part.”
“He’s not,” I muttered, crossing my arms over my chest and scowling.
She raised an eyebrow. “Mmm-hmm, and you’re so much better.”
I sniffed. “Whatever.”
After Marlene left, I thought about the things she’d said and wondered if she was right. I could definitely hate her for what she’d done, but then, would I be the same person now? Would Beebub? And his having feelings for me…pshaw.
Still…if his main understanding of love had been that of a birth mother who named him after the Devil, and Sean, who’d tried to hurt him because he couldn’t let go, could I blame the man for not knowing the best approach to these things? I had been his best friend, and Marlene, along with my dad, had guided him through his late teens, but the damage had already been done.
Could I have become a “Sean” had Beebub and I not had the space of years and cities between us? Jealousy and yearning could do strange things to a person. Months, later, I still hadn’t found any answers, and avoiding the man had been the best I could do.
Now, all these thoughts ran through my head as the parade wound to an end. I had done a few things to help with preparing, but had stepped back so others could take charge. I had a lot on my schedule as it was.
I stood outside the store and watched the high school band, which brought up the rear, clapping and yelling along with the crowd as they did a rousing rendition of “Wipe Out.” The final float had a purple drum set on it, which looked familiar, and when I saw who sat behind them, I knew why.
I hadn’t heard my best friend on the drums in years, and he played that song with enthusiasm, whipping us all into a frenzy. He was magnificent, damn him. When it was over, the cheering was deafening, and a sweaty, happy Beebub took a bow.
His eye caught mine, and though his smile faded, his gaze was intense, holding steady as the float moved down the road. I swallowed and rubbed the back of my neck, knowing what my heart wanted, but afraid all the same. If I let him in, and he broke my heart again, I didn’t know if I would survive.
* * * *
At the beginning of May, I was at home on a Sunday afternoon when Marlene called.
“Hey, what’s up?” I greeted as I loaded the dishwasher with one hand.
“Can you come over in ten minutes? I need help with something.” She was whispering for some reason.
“Sure.” I hung up. Maybe Beebub was out of town on business? It didn’t matter. I would do anything for Marlene.
I took my time dressing in a threadbare T-shirt and an old pair of jeans that I’d had since high school, which depressed me because it meant I was still as scrawny as I’d been back then. Sadly, I would never be the buff type. I grabbed my work gloves, just in case, and sauntered across the fields to the purple house. Beebub had recently repainted it a less vivid shade than before.
I noticed her car was in the driveway, but not Beebub’s as I jogged up the steps. “Marlene?” I called as I entered through the open front door. I walked into the kitchen to see Beebub sitting at the table, arms crossed as he stared out the window, frowning at his thoughts. When he saw me standing there, his eyes widened.
Before he could say anything, I turned to go, not wanting to get into it with him right now, as unsteady as the sight of him made me. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were here.” Where the hell was Marlene?
“Hey, wait up!” Beebub said, moving to block my path.
“I have nothing to say to you. Let me pass.” I tried to go around him but he blocked me at every turn.
“Will you just listen? Marlene took my truck and said she had to run an errand, after chewing me out and saying I needed to talk to you.”
Sure, she did. I was going to strangle that woman the next time I saw her.
I placed my hands on my hips. “I think you’re an immature, egotistical child. Has something about that changed since we last spoke?”
He ran a hand through his hair, leaving the curls disheveled. It was distracting. “No. That’s apparently a permanent failing. Can we just…start over?”
That gave me pause. Did he truly mean that?
“How would we do that, exactly?” I stepped around him, since he let me, and once outside, I sat on the top porch step. “I don’t know that we can find common ground anymore. And you’re a pain in the ass.”
Beebub sat next to me. “I know, but…we used to be everything to each other, Gabe. Maybe that still means something.”
I set my elbows on my knees and lowered my head. “I don’t want just a friendship, Beebub, and you know that. I’m not even sure how to trust you anymore.”
&nbs
p; He briefly touched my back, and my skin tingled at the warmth of his fingers through my shirt. “I understand that I’ll have to build that back up, but would you let me try? We’ll take it as slow as you want, whatever makes you feel comfortable.”
And damn, if that didn’t sound tempting. I remained silent for a while, thinking about it. This was a dream come true, but was it worth the pain and heartache if things didn’t work out?
“You’re still the only guy in town that I’d ever hang out with,” he continued. “And frankly, this place is full of trolls, compared to you.”
I looked at him with raised eyebrows. “I suppose that’s a compliment of sorts?”
He shoved me gently. “Come on. You gotta know you’re one of the hottest guys around. The rest of them are posers, no matter what they tell themselves.”
“Nice of you to say, but I know what I look like.” I stood and brushed off my jeans. “Okay. We’ll give it a shot.”
As I turned to walk back across the fields, he said, “How about a movie next Friday?”
“Okay, it’ll have to be late, though, ‘cause I’m closing that night.”
“Aren’t you the boss?”
“Yes, and I set an example for my employees. It’s either that, or you’ll have to choose another night.”
“Fine, fine.”
* * * *
We went to a midnight showing of the second John Wick movie. Beebub drove us since he’d had to pick me up from the store on our way out of town. He was dressed in purple cargo shorts, a black short-sleeved shirt, and purple Converse hi-tops with colorful laces. He had purple liner around his eyes and lavender studs in both ears.
The movie theater hadn’t changed in the years since we’d been there, before he’d left for college. He still got looks, but a lot of them were admiring now, rather than derisive. As for me, as usual, I just sort of blended in with my non-descript clothing of T-shirt and jeans, and super-short hair to de-emphasize the male-pattern balding.
Halfway through the movie, which we watched from the back row, Beebub leaned over and whispered in my ear. “Are you having a good time?”