by Alix Nichols
“I need you to write down a note and hand it to Gaspard on Saturday. I know it’s a lot to ask—”
“Are you kidding? I’ll be happy to do it! Hang on.” I hear a noise that sounds like a drawer being pulled. “OK, I have a pen and paper. Talk.”
“Write in block letters, please,” I say and dictate the short note.
Delphine writes it down. “Shall I read it to you to be sure?”
“Yes, please.”
She clears her throat. “I know you’re a scumbag. I have proof you’re a creep. If you post that video, I’ll report you to the police. Burn in hell.”
“Thank you,” I say. “I owe you one.”
“No, I owe you for the opportunity to see the look on his face when he reads your note.”
We say good-bye, and I sit down at the kitchen table, which doubles as a desk. My measly belongings are all packed up. I’ll call Eva as soon as she’s back from Florida to give her the news.
She’ll be mad at me at first, but I hope she’ll understand.
There’s just one more thing left to do before Lily and I catch our train to Alsace. I rip a blank page out of my notebook and write.
Raphael,
I don’t want to leave without saying good-bye, or to say it via a text message like last time.
So here goes. Good-bye, my favorite snowman. Lily and I are going back to Martinique. We’ll be happier there.
Please don’t believe Genevieve’s mudslinging.
It makes me feel petty and contemptible asking you this, but I must.
Have a good one,
Mia
I fold the sheet, stick it in a small envelope and address it to Raphael’s Parisian home. With the letter in my purse, I grab Lily and head out to the post office.
If Raphael receives my letter within the next forty-eight hours, I’ll be in Alsace, where I’ve booked a room in a bed-and-breakfast outside Estheim. If he gets it over the weekend, I’ll be in Martinique.
It hasn’t escaped my notice that I’m denying him the chance to persuade me to stay. But given how we parted after Ninossos, I doubt he’ll even try. As for the guilt trip over taking Lily so far away from him, it’s completely unjustified. He doesn’t want her.
So there you go—I’m actually doing him a favor.
I’m doing what’s best for all of us.
Chapter 32
Màma and Pàpa are already at the designated spot by the merry-go-round when I get off the bus with Lily in a front carrier against my chest.
The reason I chose this location is that there’s a discreet bench hidden from sight by shrubbery. It’s always vacant because people forget it’s there.
My parents might need it in a few moments.
Lily and I arrived in Alsace last night and went straight to the hotel. I called my parents this morning. Màma answered the phone. I asked if she and Pàpa could meet me later today in the town hall park. Màma had a hard time accepting I’d stopped at a nearby hotel. I told her it was because I’d come to Estheim with someone they were about to meet. She was silent for a long moment, processing my declaration. Then she informed me, her voice tight, that he could sleep in the guest bedroom in the house.
I didn’t dare scandalize her further by saying it was a she.
As I get nearer, I can see my parents squint in my direction, bewilderment written all over their faces.
This isn’t going to be easy.
“Meet Lily,” I say after Pàpa greets me with a tight embrace and Màma with her customary forehead kiss.
They pet her.
“She’s adorable,” Màma says. “Are you babysitting for someone?”
I shake my head. “Lily is mine.”
They blink, take a step back and plonk themselves down on the bench.
“Is that a joke?” Pàpa asks.
“No,” I say. “I had her in Martinique, and I’ve been too chicken to tell you.”
For several endless moments, they just stare at Lily and me without saying a word.
Then Màma takes a sharp breath. “Who’s the father?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“What do you mean it doesn’t matter?” Pàpa yells.
Wow.
I had to reach my late twenties to have my father yell at me.
Màma looks so shocked and confused as she peers at Lily that my heart goes to her.
“I wanted you to meet her before we return to Martinique,” I say.
She levels her gaze with mine. “What? Why?”
There’s a tightness in my chest threatening to transform into waterworks any minute. I must say my piece before it does.
“There’s something else you need to know about me,” I blurt out.
Pàpa drops his head into his hands.
“When I was in college,” I say, “I did something stupid, really stupid, and now there’s a video out there… and someone is going to post it on the Internet… and also email it to you.”
They survey me, wide-eyed, as though they were wondering if the woman in front of them was indeed their daughter.
“Please don’t open it,” I say, my voice on the verge of cracking. “Please don’t watch that video.”
They say nothing.
I clench my fists, digging my nails into my palms to delay the tears.
“How could you—,” Pàpa begins.
“I’m so sorry,” I butt in. “I’m sorry I turned out to be such a disappointment. Please don’t blame yourselves, and please know I don’t expect you to forgive me. I just wanted to say… I love you.”
I spin around, nearly choking on the pent-up tears, and scoot to the bus stop.
Chapter 33
My phone rings as I’m blowing my nose between two muffled sobs and Lily is whimpering in the travel cot provided by the hotel.
The caller ID says “Raphael.”
My heart swells with joy before I tell myself I better not answer this. I have nothing to add to what I’ve put in my letter. Which he must have received. Which is why he’s calling.
Problem is Raphael is right—I can’t resist him.
“I’m in the lobby of your hotel,” he says when I finally answer the phone.
“What? How did you find me?”
“I went to see Delphine after I got your letter this morning, hoping you’d confided in her. And you had.”
Damn. “What exactly did she tell you?”
“Only where I could find you. She said the rest wasn’t her secret to tell.”
I exhale in relief.
“Can I come upstairs?” he asks.
“Will you go back to Paris if I say no?”
“Take a guess.”
“Room 210,” I say and go to the door.
Thirty seconds later, he’s inside.
“How could you think I’d believe Genevieve’s preposterous accusation?” he asks, frowning. “I’m not as shallow as I seem.”
I give him a tiny smile. “I know that. I hoped you wouldn’t believe her.”
He rolls his eyes before drawing his brows in concern. “You were crying. What gives?”
“Nothing.” I point to the wooden chair. “Please have a seat.”
Instead, he steps closer and takes my hand.
“Something is obviously very wrong, Mia. Please tell me what it is.”
“I’m fine.” I look down at his hands clutching mine. “And I’ll be even finer in Martinique.”
He tips my head up, forcing me to look at him. “What about your defense? The seminar? The job offer you got?”
“I… I can’t stay.”
He lets go of my hand and sits down. “So here’s the deal. I won’t budge from this chair until you tell me what’s going on.”
With a defiant look, he folds his hands across his chest and crosses his legs.
Motionless, I watch him.
A few long moments later, he shifts, uncrosses his legs, crosses them again, and screws up his handsome face into a comical expression.
My lips curl
up, despite my misery.
“Is there a more comfortable chair in this room?” he asks.
I shake my head, struggling to remain serious.
“Then I’m transferring my sit-in to the bed,” he says.
“Sissy.”
“Not a sissy—a result-oriented person.” He stands up and flashes me a sexy smile. “I’ll last longer on the bed.”
I grab his hand to stop him from going to the bed. “Lily is cranky. She needs quiet to fall asleep.”
He cups my cheek, his gaze boring into mine. “What are you running from, Mia?”
“A video,” I say, surprising myself.
His brows go up.
“Someone has a compromising video of me from my college days…” I begin.
Oh, what the hell.
I’m going to tell it like it is. Unembellished. The whole freaking enchilada.
“Someone has a drunken gang bang video with me in it,” I blurt out before I lose the nerve. “If I don’t meet him tomorrow and do what he wants me to do, he’ll make it public.”
Raphael stares at me for a long moment. “Is that why you disappeared a year ago?”
I nod.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” A deep crease appears between his brows. “Why didn’t you ask for my help?”
“This… situation is the result of my mistake. So it’s my problem to deal with.”
“You’re wrong. It’s mine, too.”
“It shouldn’t be,” I say. “It’s not fair.”
“Fair is not how life works.” He pulls me to his chest. “You’re about to bolt—again—because some jerk is blackmailing you. Baby, it is my problem.”
I peer into his eyes.
“Let me handle it,” he says. “Where and at what time tomorrow were you supposed to meet him?”
“What will you do?”
“Whatever it takes.”
“He doesn’t want money—I’ve already offered.” I wring my hands. “He wants… sexual favors every time he’s in France.”
Raphael’s body tenses against mine.
“I wasn’t going to pay him,” he says. “That’s a short-term solution.”
“Then what? Beat him up?”
He smirks. “For starters.”
“And after that?”
“Impress upon him that if he makes his move, I’ll unleash a pack of top-notch lawyers who’ll eat him alive. It’s illegal to post nudes without a person’s consent.”
“I know that, but what if he posts the video anyway?” I sigh. “He isn’t a reasonable person.”
Raphael shrugs. “OK, let’s say he’s a suicidal nutcase and he posts it. So what?”
“What do you mean, so what?”
“Your little sex tape will join millions of other sex tapes the Internet is teeming with. Who cares?”
I chew my lip. “You don’t?”
He shakes his head.
“Will you watch it if he posts it?”
“Absolutely not.” He gives me a stern look. “What kind of douchebag do you think I am?”
Clearly, not the kind Xavier turned out to be.
“It might ruin my academic career,” I say.
He quirks an eyebrow. “Really? You’re concerned about your academic career? Is that why you’re quitting it?”
I look down, flushing.
“Why don’t you tell me what it is you’re really worried about?” he asks.
“He’s going to send the video to my parents.”
“He can’t force them to watch it.”
“He can trick them into watching it.”
Raphael encases my face with his hands. “You have to come clean before they get it.”
“I just did.”
“And?”
“It was too much for them—the gang bang, the video, Lily…”
“They didn’t know about her?”
I shake my head. “I’m not sure they’ll want to see me again.”
“Of course they will. They’re religious people—they’ll find it in themselves to forgive you.”
I shake my head again and let out a sob.
He draws back and stares me in the eye. “Mia?”
“I hate myself for how much I’ve hurt and disappointed them,” I say. “And it breaks my heart that they’ll stop loving me.”
“They won’t,” he says.
“You don’t know them! You have no idea how high their moral standards are. Things like virtue and uprightness mean everything to them.”
He lowers his brows. “Oh come on.”
I draw away, march to the door, and open it wide. “Please go. You’re making this whole thing harder than it already is.”
Not to mention that I’m about to lose it again, and I don’t want to lose it in front of him.
“Mia, please.”
“Just go.”
He walks out.
I grab a pillow from the bed, press it to my face, and wail into it.
Chapter 34
Barely five minutes into my crying jag, Raphael knocks on my door again.
“Did you forget something?” I ask as I open it.
He steps inside. “You’re right about me not knowing your parents. Maybe they are the kind of people who’d stop loving you.”
I stare at him, a little woozy from the crying.
“But I won’t, Mia.” He draws closer and wipes my cheeks with the pads of his fingers. “I won’t stop loving you.”
The enormity of his words stuns me.
My mouth falls open, and I eye him as if he just confessed to being an android sent from the future to save the human race.
“You look slightly surprised,” he says with a soft chuckle.
“Last weekend on Ninossos,” I say once I find my bearings, “you were talking about our new arrangement. And now you… love me?”
He nods.
“You haven’t loved anyone before,” I say. “How do you know what that feels like?”
“I love my brothers,” he counters. “I love my mother. I even loved my good-for-nothing father. How’s that for a yardstick?”
“It’s different. They’re your family.”
He smiles. “Not that different, actually. Just like with them, I want to give you everything. I want to give you me.”
I snort at his total lack of false modesty.
“Gee, that sounded pompous,” he says. “Let me try again. I want to put an end to ‘Mia versus the world’ and replace it with ‘Mia and Raphael versus the world.’ ”
It’s scary how much I like the sound of it.
“I’ve lost my appetite for food,” he says. “Seriously. That has never happened before. I can’t focus on work, I think about you all the time. It’s like paragliding. There’s this crazy lightness and joy in every bone and muscle of my body.”
My head begins to spin as I soak up his words, and I’m getting drowsier by the second.
“What do these symptoms tell you, Doctor Stoll?”
“I’m not a doctor yet,” I say, feeling incongruously playful. “Even if I stay and get my PhD, I won’t be a medical doctor. So I’m afraid I can’t diagnose you.”
“Then assess my state from an objective historical perspective.”
“Hmm.” I bunch my eyebrows. “I’d say your condition has aggravated since our office fling. But… won’t you miss being with other women?”
“No,” he says without a moment’s hesitation.
“Are you sure?”
“As sure as I am of how much I need you in my life.” He looks the most sober I’ve ever seen him. “You see, I used to think I was just like Papa, even though Seb kept telling me I wasn’t. But he was right. I’m not.”
“What are you saying?”
“My womanizing… I’ve figured it out. I didn’t do it because I couldn’t help it, or because I was insecure. I did it because…” He hesitates. “You’re going to laugh.”
“Try me.”
“Without admitting it to myself, I
was looking for a… soulmate.”
That word is so incongruous coming from Raphael that I can’t help smiling.
“Ludicrous but true.” His mouth curls up. “When you fled to Martinique… er, correction—when you dumped me and fled to Martinique, I had three one-night stands in two weeks.”
My smile fades a little. “That’s a lot.”
“It was pathetic. I felt pathetic. So I went to Nepal for a month. Officially, it was to visit Maman, but in truth, I was hoping for some kind of miraculous healing.”
I hang on his every word.
He shrugs. “At the end of that month, I still missed you so much my chest hurt.”
So did mine.
“After I returned to Paris,” he continues, “I met a woman. She was pretty, kind, and smart.”
I give him a quizzical look.
“It lasted a week.” He stares at me.
I stare back.
Raphael encases my face with his hands. “You’re the only woman with whom the longer it lasts, the longer I want it to last. Please, say you’ll stay.”
I open my mouth then close it again.
God, it’s tempting to say yes.
“I’m not offering marriage, OK?” He runs his hands over my face and through my cropped hair. “I won’t do that unless I’m one hundred percent sure I can be a family man beyond reproach. Just so you know before you decide.”
“I’ll stay,” I whisper.
“What?”
“I’ll stay,” I say louder.
I’m neck-deep in shit, and yet I grin as a crazy lightness and joy fill every bone and muscle of my body.
Chapter 35
“I’ll call you again tomorrow morning,” Raphael says.
“Not before ten, please.” I blow a kiss to my phone screen.
We hang up.
“Was that Raphael?” Pàpa asks, sitting down across the table from me.
I nod.
He shakes his head. “I still can’t believe you hid your pregnancy from us and then hid Lily for six months. Six months, Mia!”
“Don’t be too hard on her,” Màma calls from the blanket on the floor where she’s spent the past two hours fawning over Lily’s every smile and sound.