by Jordan Marie
That thought is somewhat depressing as I walk into the kitchen, standing by the sink. I try to shake myself from my thoughts on things that aren’t changing anytime soon. Instead, I concentrate on everything I need to accomplish today. Pastor Sturgill will be by later, and when he comes, he will expect no less than three pies and five dozen cookies. I don’t have time to worry or daydream.
The sound of a motorcycle jars me, causing my head to jerk up, looking out the window over the kitchen sink. I see the man coming back off the hill. Instead of turning left to cut back on the main highway that leads into town and away from our adjoined driveways, he turns right. Something about that causes my heart to kick up in speed. I watch as he drives straight to the old barn.
I move quickly to the window by my kitchen table. It has a perfect view of the barn and fear begins to form in the pit of my stomach, making me feel nauseous, while I continue watching the stranger. He pulls his bike into the covered parking area that connects to the barn, shuts it off, and he sits there for a minute. Just that simple motion causes my breathing to increase. There’s only one reason he would pull into the old barn. Only one, and it’s not a reason I like. It’s a reason that terrifies me.
I watch as he gets off the bike, walking to the small door under the shed that has remained locked by an old rusty padlock. I have a bad feeling about this—a very bad feeling. Then I watch as he reaches in his pocket. No. He can’t be doing that. There’s no way…right? RIGHT?
My hopes are dashed as the chain and lock fall to the ground.
I have a new neighbor…only he won’t be on top of the hill away from me. He’s going to live across from me in the old barn.
What will happen now? I try to swallow down my panic and my fear. I try, but I don’t think I fully succeed. Surely God can’t be this cruel. Haven’t I been through enough? Will I have to move now? How can I live this close to him…a man who reminds me of them? For all I know, he could be one of them. That knowledge sinks into the pit of my stomach and it’s all I can do not to throw-up.
I can feel the nerves and panic clawing at me, but I do my best to beat those feelings back down. I can’t let the anxiety get to me. Not today. I had been doing so much better. I can’t go backwards. I have to be strong.
I have to think of Maggie.
3
Beast
I can feel eyes on me. Too many years being across the sea and on enemy land has ingrained that feeling inside me. Since there is only one house around and no one else is here, I know who is watching me. I don’t turn around to look at her. There’s no point. She’s already stopped existing for me. As far as I’m concerned, I will never talk to her again, and I’ll be just as happy if I never see her again.
I take the key Skull gave me and turn the old lock. It doesn’t turn smooth, what has to be years of rust hinders it. I get it to break free with a quick yank, then the lock and the chain fall to the floor. I open the door and instantly, a musty odor assaults me. This place hasn’t been opened up in years. Maybe since Pistol himself came here. That turns my stomach. Somehow, the idea of sleeping in a bed Pistol has been in sickens me. I wonder if there’s a cleaning service in town?
I go up the narrow stairway, not bothering to use the light switch. I’ll need to go into town if I want lights. I make it into the loft, which has been converted to a very small studio type apartment. There’s a kitchen in the corner that consists of an apartment size stove, a small single bowl sink, and an old fridge that I am at least three feet taller than. They don’t really match either. The fridge is silver, obviously, a bit newer than the other appliances. The stove is a putrid green and probably was on this Earth before I was born. The sink is white enamel, all one piece, that has cabinets underneath it. There are no other cabinets in the place at all. There’s a small table that is only large enough for one chair to be pushed under it. Across from that area lies the living room; which consists of a couch. The couch is old, but probably not as old as the stove. It’s covered in a brown and beige fabric that has horrible pictures of a tree stump pattern that repeats over and over. I’m not sure who ever thought that would be a good design, but I hope the designer found something else in life to do, because designing furniture wasn’t their calling. In a far corner, there’s an old metal bed with a mattress so swayed and lumpy you can physically see it. Beside the bed sits a tub and a toilet. I shake my head, it’s all out in the open. None of this shit matters to me though. I can crash here and be alone. That’s all I care about.
As rough as my new surroundings are...as barebones as it all is, not once do I regret my decision to come here. Not once. I don’t miss my club. I don’t miss my brothers. I don’t miss my room there. But most of all, I don’t miss the noise.
Right now, all around me is nothing. Not a word, not a whisper, there is absolutely nothing in this room but the silence I seek.
This is what I want.
This is what I need.
To be surrounded by…nothing. For a minute, I just stand here and let it envelop me.
I hope the silence suffocates me.
4
Hayden
“I will be better today. I will be stronger. I will be better today. I will be stronger,” I whisper the same two sentences over and over. I whisper them as I make my way through the house. I whisper them as I take my shower. The words stumble, getting lodged in my throat as the soap glides across the scars along my ribs, and even more so as I touch the jagged skin that wraps around my back. Still, I get those words out. I count the victory and keep repeating the mantra as I shower and dress.
I’m still saying the words softly, to break up the quiet in the house, as I wash the few dishes that were left from the night before. I’m gazing out the window in my kitchen, when I see the man walk out of the barn. He goes to his bike and appears to be looking for something in the saddlebags. My hand shakes, but I don’t let that deter me, because today’s goal is simple: do not panic.
I watch for a few more minutes until he disappears back into the barn. I’m being stupid, allowing who this man is, or at least who he appears to be, to drag me back down. I put that behind me. That is over. It’s buried. It’s dead. This man is not those people. He is not my brother. That man is nothing to me.
It doesn’t matter if he lives this close. He doesn’t know me. I don’t know him. He’s not here to get to know me. The mere fact he’s moving next door is nothing more than rotten luck, and God knows I have had more than my fair share of that.
My hand goes to my stomach in reflex, and I rub the small bump that has now formed on my stomach, when I feel Maggie move and shift. I’m a couple of months behind on my doctor’s visits. I hate myself for that. I have insurance, but the local doctor in town knows my history; knows it and clearly does not approve. He’s always billing me, and I’m beginning to think it’s not what I would truly owe after insurance. I think the charges are only what he wants to add to the bill—because he can. If there was another obstetrician in this small town I would go there. But there’s not, so I put up with his leering looks and the hateful attitude of his staff, because I don’t have a real choice. I let them treat me like crap, which is weak, and I hate being weak. Today I will be stronger. The thought pops in my mind, mocking me.
I turn away from the window. I need to get busy packing up everything I made yesterday. Pastor Sturgill will be here any moment, and I don’t want to keep him waiting on me. The church’s business means a lot to me. The Pastor has helped get my baked goods out there and not only that, he gave me open access to their secondhand shop. I’ve been able to pick up a baby crib, a dresser, and even a bassinet. They weren’t the best thing out there, but they were in decent shape, and with my next check I will be able to purchase a new mattress. I will make sure Maggie has everything she needs.
I’m so engrossed in my thoughts and boxing things up that I’m completely caught off guard when there’s a tapping noise on the back door.
I wrap my arms around myself unti
l my heart rate begins to calm.
Today I will be stronger…
Maybe not so much.
5
Beast
I know she’s in there. I watched her through the window. On my third round of knocking, I’ve about had enough. I walk to the small kitchen window and bang on the glass with the flat of my hand. I don’t knock on it easy, though not quite as hard as I would like to since the glass is cracked, and the window itself looks older than I am. Hell, it might even be older than that damn stove in the rat-hole I slept in last night. She walks to the window as though she’s in a trance, her eyes widen, staring back at me like a deer caught in the headlights of a speeding car.
I didn’t think she was much to look at yesterday. She appears marginally better today; her hair doesn’t seem as dark. It’s almost strawberry color in places, before slowly fading into darker hues. It’s long. I don’t think I appreciated how long, which is weird because it was worn down yesterday. Today, it’s pulled to the top of her head and laying in a crazy mess, that somehow looks natural. What I am noticing more today, are her eyes. They’re as large as saucers right now, as she gapes at me. I can see fear and the disgust flickering in them. Do my scars bother her? Yesterday, it had been cloudy and close to dark, maybe she missed them. Just like I didn’t notice that her eyes are a strange shade of blue—especially the right one which is a little darker in color. They could almost be called a steely gray.
She moves quickly from the window, and I cuss under my breath. What the fuck is her problem? Without a thought, I make it back to the door. I yank hard on the handle at the same exact time she’s on the other side opening it.
I let out a grunt when the woman stumbles into me. I catch her easily. My hands grabbing on each side of her, my thumbs and fingers are pressing against breasts that I could have sworn I thought were small yesterday. I hold her still. She doesn’t speak, and I’m not sure if it’s that fact or the feel of a woman in my arms after all this time that pisses me off more.
I steady her away from me, letting her go, and taking her in. She’s wearing another loose sweater that is about three sizes too big, though her stomach is definitely protruding from it. The only difference in this one and the one from yesterday is that this one is a pale yellow and looks better on her.
I know fuck-all about pregnant women. I’ve done everything I could to stay away from them and Jan…Fuck, I didn’t even know she was pregnant for most of the pregnancy. But this one appears exhausted. Not my problem. Where in the hell is her man? Obviously, she can’t even walk on her own. There’s no way she should have a baby on her own. I wouldn’t even trust her to hold a child.
A wave of memories crashes down on me. All these thoughts about Jan, of her pregnancy, of Annabelle…these thoughts are not welcome. They aren’t wanted—at all. The fact that the woman standing in front of me caused them to attack me makes me snarl. I watch as the sound I make causes her to jump back like a frightened rabbit.
“Wha…” she starts but stops to take in a shaky breath. “What are you doing here?” she finally gets out.
I clear my throat. If I could go the rest of my life not speaking, I’d be okay with that. The sound of my voice has been altered from the accident and it serves as one more reminder. A reminder I don’t need. I clear my throat and rub my hand across my beard, scratching under my chin, subconsciously touching one of the scars I hide behind the hair.
“I need to plug in my phone.”
“What?”
“I don’t have power. I need my phone charged.”
“You don’t have power,” she mimics, as if she’s in a trance. Her eyes are still holding mine captive, and I have to wonder if she’s mentally disabled or some shit.
“I just said that,” I tell her, getting irritated.
“You want me to charge your phone? In my house?” she questions, her eyes widen even further, and she takes two steps back. I nod yes, instead of speaking. “I can’t do that,” she says, shaking her head back and forth for emphasis.
“Why the hell not?”
“I don’t know you.”
“I’m not asking you to suck my dick, just charge my phone.”
Her head whips back. I shouldn’t have said that. She’s not the kind of woman I’m used to dealing with. I see the moment my words hit her, there is not a blush like I would expect to see from a woman hearing something so vulgar. No. She’s completely different. Her face goes deathly white. She’s so pale it wouldn’t surprise me if she passes out.
Instead, her head goes down, and I hear a faint mumble come from her, that I have to strain to hear. “I have to go,” she says.
I reach out to grab her hand; I’m not even sure why at this point. She tries to push away from me, and I really should let her go, but the woman is annoying me. I mean, Jesus, I only want to charge my damn phone. I’d charge it on my bike, but I don’t have the right cord. I hold onto her tighter, stopping her from walking away. For a second my eyes go to our joined hands. Hers are small, tiny, and pale compared to mine. The scars marring my hand look even more grotesque with the way the skin stretches just to capture her hand…It looks wrong.
Skull and the others tried to convince me once that life didn’t have to change. I wanted to believe them. Memories of the day we had a family picnic come to mind. I can hear Lucy and those girls laughing in the back of my mind. My brothers thought I was sweet on the girl. Maybe I was at one time, who knows. At the very least I enjoyed the hero worship she showed me. I would have never acted on it. She was too young for me, and I had been burned so hard when it came to women.
Jan was a fucking cunt. I was trapped with her. I would have made a bed with the devil himself to keep my daughter with me, however. The idea of Jan taking her away—not seeing Annabelle and being able to protect her every day…terrified me. So, I did my best to swallow down my fucking pride and keep Jan happy for no other reason than to keep my daughter safe with me. In the end, I failed to protect Annabelle…I failed to be the father she needed…
“Is there a problem?” A man asks, walking around the side of the house.
I was so lost in the past I never heard another vehicle pull in the driveway. I didn’t even hear him approaching. This is just another reason why it was a good idea to leave the Devil’s Blaze. I was going to end up getting one of my brother’s killed.
I turn my attention back to the man who just appeared. I’m kind of thankful he pulled me from my thoughts. I already have sweat popping out over my body and my stomach is churning. Fuck.
I do my best to concentrate on the now. This man is tall, though not my height. He stands over six foot—easily. He’s also the opposite of me. Clean cut, with a suburb vibe, wearing navy dress slacks and a shirt with a collar in an annoying color of orange.
The woman is whimpering and gasping like I’m inflicting pain on her. Is she sickened by my touch? Does she hate the fact my hands are grotesque and on her body? Join the fucking club lady.
I let her go and she immediately flees from me. The man stands on the deck, facing me—as if he’s guarding the woman from me. She instantly moves behind him, half hiding, as if for protection. Something about that sits wrong with me, but I ignore it. I don’t know what her issues are, but they aren’t my concern.
“No problem. I was asking the lady if she could charge my phone so I could check on getting electricity hooked up. I think from what I’m getting, the answer is no,” I tell him. Fuck it. I’d rather just go back to the barn and drink in the damn dark.
“Are you okay, Hayden?” the man asks her, and that just pisses me off more.
“Of course, she’s alright. All I did was ask if I could plug my phone in,” I growl, defensively.
“I’m okay,” Hayden whispers, biting her lip, and refusing to look at me. Jesus. What is her damage?
“Good. Do you have the baked goods ready?” he asks her.
“Yes. I was just getting them together when…when I had company,” she says, and I wond
er where the woman from yesterday is. She talked to me without stuttering then. She didn’t act like this. It has to be the scars, either that or not having the gun in her hand makes her feel unsafe. I shouldn’t be curious, but there’s a side of me wanting to hear exactly why she’s acting as if I’m about to kill her today compared to yesterday when she was ready to kill me.
“Good. We’ll get them in a minute,” the man says, patting her hand reassuringly. She’s definitely not backing away from him. He’s probably the baby daddy. It’s clear he’s nothing like me, maybe that’s why she’s got her ass in a knot.
My appearance probably offends the bitch. Too bad for her. It can’t offend her more than it does myself. Hell, I can’t think of the last time I looked in a mirror.
“I’m Pastor Sturgill. I run the Little Pines Baptist Church in town,” the man informs me, extending his hand.
I look at it for a minute, then shake it, reluctantly. I grunt in response.
When it becomes clear I’m not going to answer, the man prompts me. “And you are?”
My first reaction is to give him my club name. It’s the only name I’ve used for years—more years than I care to remember. The problem with that is, I’m no longer part of the club. Skull may not have accepted my Blaze cut back, but I left it behind anyway. I left it and the club. I’m no longer that man.
“Michael,” I answer, giving my name for the first time in years.
“Michael, it’s good to meet you. Are you new to the area?”
“Yes. I just bought the old barn over there.”
“You’re living in a barn loft?” the man asks.
“Yeah,” I grumble, annoyed.
“Well then, that’s all fine and good. I’m sure Hayden will feel more comfortable knowing there’s someone close by for her to call if she needs something.”