by Patricia Mar
After signing the backs of the girls’ shirts with a marker pen Sara kept in her bag, Daniel said goodbye to them and they set off again. When he happened upon a place he liked, he said, “Let’s stop here,” looking around and breathing deeply. Sara looked in admiration at the muscles stretching under the rolled up sleeves of his white shirt, and at his black hair, tousled by the breeze. That superb vision made her gasp. She found herself standing, blanket in hand, staring at him the way you would a piece of art in a museum. Daniel smiled at her from behind his sunglasses. He put the basket down on the sand and helped her out of the backpack, then, shaking his head, took the blanket she was holding.
“When will you stop looking at me as if I was—”
“Wonderful? Never, I suppose – is that a problem?” she smiled back at him, as she helped lay out the blanket.
Daniel smirked and lay down, gesturing to her to join him. While she was peacefully admiring the sea, Daniel was looking at her, lost in his own thoughts. “I’m glad you could come with me today.”
Sara turned to look at her boyfriend. “I wouldn’t have missed this picnic for the world. You had a great idea.”
“Only one?” he chuckled, pleased.
Sara raised her eyes heavenward. “Your ego precedes you, you silly supermodel.”
“It does, but you’ll see I can win you over with what I’ve prepared.”
“Again? I thought I was already yours,” she joked, peering into the basket, whose lid was now open. “I’m planning to conquer you every day as though it was the first time,” he whispered. Sara saw the intense expression behind his Ray-Bans and stretched catlike towards him, kissing him tenderly on the lips; they tasted of salt water and sun – and of him.
Eventually she sat back.
“Surprise me.”
From the basket, Daniel took containers full of sandwiches with different fillings, vol-au-vents with salmon and shrimps, and a delicious looking rice salad. He set everything down carefully while Sara observed his movements, her heart full of unexpressed gratitude. That was one of those moments she wanted to keep in her mind’s photo album, to remember forever and to cherish in the distant future. Daniel was pure poetry: he had appeared in a life she had thought already full but which had turned out to be awfully empty. The satisfaction was finally there and she felt complete, as if she had found her other half – as if she had finally found the missing piece of her personal jigsaw puzzle. Daniel gave her a complicit smile from time to time while he set down some glasses and uncorked a bottle of good white wine. He gave her a glass and lifted his own.
“I would like to propose a toast to lifts that break down and panic attacks. We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them.”
Sara laughed and clinked glasses with Daniel.
“Wise words.”
They both took a sip and started eating, while the sun shone gently in the sky, caressing them almost like a gentle, protective lover. They started talking about themselves and about their pasts, until Daniel brought up something which had been the elephant in the room for too long. His father. He had not mentioned him since their first date – and she had sensed that it was a thorny subject and hadn’t wanted to force him to share everything with her, but apparently Daniel now wanted her to know more. He sighed deeply and took off his sunglasses, while massaging his forehead.
“I told you he abandoned us when I was a kid. I was six years old – that was a birthday I’ll never forget.” His face grew sorrowful, and the sound of waves filled the brief silence.
Daniel began talking again.
“At that time I was too young to understand, and my mother explained everything when the right moment came. Thomas Gant was an unreliable man. He was a labourer, but after he’d lost his job because of a fight, he’d started drinking a lot. Often he wouldn’t even come home at night.”
Sara looked at him tenderly, holding his arm tightly so that he would feel her presence. He caressed her, distracted, and continued.
“He wasn’t violent. I don’t remember him ever shouting or hitting us. But he was always miserable. He would just hang around the house with this bitter expression on his face. I used to wonder why he wasn’t happy, if it was my fault, if I wasn’t clever enough. I always used to get good marks at school. But it was never enough.”
“Did you blame yourself for the way he was?”
“I blamed myself for not being the son he wanted. Although I never really understood what it was my father actually did want.”
Sara moved over and curled up by him, leaning her face against his shoulder. They were both looking at the sea.
“And at some point he walked out on you all.”
“Yes. My mum found out he’d been cheating on her, and that it probably wasn’t even the first time. I hated him for the pain he’d caused her. She was always crying, and she didn’t deserve it – she was so generous, and she’d put up with so much, she’d fought to stay with him. I know all this now, but back then I didn’t really understand what was going on. I just didn’t want to have anything to do with him, even though my mum told me that he used to spy on me and ask about me.”
“He still loved you.”
Daniel turned slightly to search for Sara’s eyes.
“Maybe he did, but I was too badly hurt. I felt this enormous resentment towards him. And I think all that anger was fundamental to my success. Funny, isn’t it?”
“What do you mean?”
“I wanted to prove that I wasn’t a failure like him. I wanted him to see me being successful, and I wanted him to know I was going to look after my mother the way he’d never been able to. I was stubborn, I studied, got my degree and I became a successful man. I needed to make my mother proud of me. I needed to be proud of myself, the way he’d never made me feel.”
Sara caressed his silky cheek – for once he had shaved. She really loved him and would have liked to ease his pain and cancel those painful episodes from his life. But it was those same events which had made him the extraordinary person he was now. “You met him again, didn’t you?”
“Yes, a couple of years before he died.”
“That must have been hard for you…”
Daniel put his arm around her waist and held her close. He needed Sara and her warmth, she realised clearly. He touched her cheek lightly with his own then continued in a low voice.
“He turned up when I least expected it. One day he was just there, at the door. He was a stranger to me – just a painful memory from my past, nothing more. I didn’t even recognise him at first, but when I did I told him to get lost. I was too proud. I didn’t want to admit that an eternity had passed and that I was a better man then the angry little boy of the past – that I could bear the pain and that I could give him a second chance. He’d got so old, and had lost a lot of hair. He’d put on weight, he had this big belly…” He tried to laugh, but his laughter was gloomy. “It was because of all the drinking. Anyway I let him in. We were two strangers with nothing to say to each other.”
“That must have been very uncomfortable for both of you…”
“Yes. Too much had happened to pretend everything was ok. Anyway he told me about his problems: he owed some money to a loan shark. He hadn’t wanted to come begging for my help, but he didn’t know what else to do. He was worried for his life…”
She felt a knot in her throat. She could feel clearly the desperation that this good, resolute man held hidden deep within him. It was all there, unchanged and frightening. And he was sharing it with her, opening his soul to her. He had promised to show his innermost self to her, and he was doing it. That was how much he trusted her.
“You helped him.”
“Yes, I did. The rich son helping the poor father.”
“Don’t say that.”
“But that’s how it was, Sara. Nothing more. I realised that day that he didn’t really want to make peace with me.”
His voice was harsh and inflexible.
“Maybe he did �
�� maybe he just thought it was the only way to get you to listen to him,” she said, in an attempt to justify the man and to ease Daniel’s pain.
Daniel looked into her eyes for a long moment, as though trying to read and decipher her thoughts.
“I gave him what he wanted from me: money. I was generous, in spite of everything,” he answered laconically.
“And what happened then?”
“Thomas went away and I never saw him again. He never tried to contact me again, and I never tried to contact him.”
Sara raised one of Daniel’s hands to her mouth and kissed it. Although it had been in the sun, it was cold, the way she imagined his heart must be at that moment.
“Then later my mother told me he’d died. His drinking and his lifestyle had taken him away forever one winter day.”
“I’m so sorry, Daniel.”
Her eyes were burning. Luckily she had turned her back to him, because she couldn’t help crying. She cried for a man who had turned his weakness into a strength, who had been able to proudly face his life. Daniel had suffered, and a part of him would continue suffering forever, silently. He would carry on with courage, always smiling, and that made Daniel Gant unique.
“You know, after his death my mother gave me a letter he’d written to her. He apologized for everything, for not having been a good father or a good husband, for not deserving my respect. But it was too late to grant him my forgiveness. I hope wherever he is now, he knows I forgave him.”
Sara turned to hug him tightly. She had the heart breaking feeling that he desperately needed her. She couldn’t wash away his pain, but she could share it and help him to bear it. And she could do it effortlessly, because she loved him more with each minute that passed. He was in her blood, coursing through her veins. He made her heart beat, he was the reason why she breathed and lived. Daniel needed to know that she was there for him and that she always would be.
For a while they didn’t say anything, but just sat there holding each other close, until Daniel suddenly kissed her so passionately that Sara found herself lying on the blanket, with Daniel over her. In the background was the clear blue sky, the smell of the sea, and their hearts beating in time. And after having gently savoured her lips, he looked her in the eyes and smiled at her with the innocence of a child: he had unburdened himself of a pain that was too weighty to carry alone, and now, finally, he was at ease. Daniel lay down too, grasped her hand in his, and went back to being the cheerful, funny man she knew. The man who was always comfortable with the world and with himself. But Sara knew that what had just happened had been an extremely important moment in their relationship, and now she loved him more than ever, with every bit of life in her body.
Chapter 21
The Rainbow Trout
The words of her sister Virginia, still echoed in her mind like a warning.
“Sooner or later it had to happen.”
And happen it had, yes, sooner than expected.
She wasn’t psychologically prepared to cope with all this. Her heart was thumping in her throat, she felt as if she was choking and was experiencing palpitations so strong she could see luminous spots dancing about in front of her eyes. Was it normal to feel this sick? How embarrassing. She was already thinking with horror about how many hands she would have to shake, about the looks she would receive immediately afterwards and the thoughts – like ‘her hands are as clammy as a rainbow trout’ – that would fill those little heads before being manifested externally as expressions of disgust and pity.
She wanted to get out of Daniel’s car, take off the stupid high heels she’d been forced to wear, and run barefoot in the opposite direction.
But, instead, there she was, belted in, while Daniel spoke calmly, as though nothing had happened, and she processed her thoughts at lightning speed.
Daniel, alarm bells ringing at her prolonged silence, turned to her.
“You okay?”
Sara swallowed slowly. “Yes… no… I don’t know.”
Daniel looked at her, keeping one eye on the road. “Did I tell you that you look wonderful, by the way?”
“Yes, you did – but it helps to hear it again.”
In fact, she’d had a surprise when she’d looked in the mirror, because she’d barely recognised herself at all. Tall and slender, in high heels and wrapped in a dark purple strapless taffeta dress with a sweetheart neckline and a skirt that came down to the floor and opened into a soft circle. Sara had spent a small fortune on that dress, but she’d felt obliged to when Daniel had insisted that she accompany him to a party held by a famous Roman designer and good friend of his. He had tried to insist on giving her the dress as a present, but she had refused. Of course, now she regretted having blown a chunk of next month’s rent on it, but she’d needed something elegant for the occasion so there hadn’t really been a choice. If she went out with Daniel it was a necessity, even though her purse might hate her for it. She’d spent the previous afternoon wandering around shops with Virginia until she had found the right thing, and it had been love at first sight, staring at her through the window and begging her to wear it. It really suited her, and Virginia’s immaculate make-up job had completed the miracle.
Daniel took her hand to give her courage. It was easy for him, he was wearing a tuxedo and shone like the sun, even at night. An evening like this was normal for him. For Sara it was a nightmare.
“Don’t be scared, there’s no need to be.”
“That’s easy for you to say – this is our first official outing.”
Daniel grinned and turned back to concentrate on the road.
“Technically we’ve already been out together several times, so I wouldn’t call it our first official outing. Although it’s true that we’ve usually stayed in…”
Sara blushed, her cheeks becoming even redder.
“I need not to think about you naked right now!”
Daniel laughed happily.
“Don’t tease me, Daniel Gant,” she scolded him, “this is serious.”
“So what do you need to focus on? Come on, let’s hear it.”
“I don’t want to make any gaffes or fall over in these damn shoes. I want to behave naturally even though inside I’m dying a slow, agonising death. And if I smile, my paralysed lower jaw is probably going to make me look like Jack Nicholson’s Joker.”
Daniel began to laugh again. “You are totally bonkers!”
“Yeah, bonkers enough to have agreed to accompany you tonight.”
“Nonsense! Now that we’re together you’ll have to get used to it. You don’t think that I should go to these boring events on my own, do you? As long as I can see your smile, it all seems a lot more bearable.”
“Do not try and jolly me along, you bloody supermodel. I know very well that you enjoy these evenings out. You’re just saying that to make me feel better, but it won’t work.”
“You can’t blame me for trying.”
Sara pouted.
“Have you seen yourself? You look gorgeous, what are you worried about? I’ll have to be careful you don’t attract too much male attention – otherwise they’ll have me to deal with!”
“I should feel flattered, but I’m not.” She put her hand on her stomach. She’d never felt so absurdly delirious and yet uncomfortable – and she hadn’t even got there yet.
As she was thinking this Daniel turned down a side street and drove through a wrought iron gate that looked like the entrance to a Roman Graceland. They had arrived.
Sara clenched her jaw so much so that it hurt.
Daniel got out of the Mercedes, tossed the valet his car keys and went round to open the door for Sara. With one hand holding Daniel’s and the other her silver clutch bag she climbed out. The valet stared at her, bewitched, but Sarah was too busy trying not to stumble to notice.
Daniel took her by the arm and they walked together towards the two large marble staircases leading to a terrace which gave onto the villa.
She froze at
the sound of the laughter, music and tinkling of glasses that filled the air. It was as if her heels had taken root in the gravel.
Daniel brought his face close to her cheek and whispered “We don’t have to stay long, you know. We’ll have a quick look around, do a bit of PR, then we’ll go back to my place and I’ll make you forget everything. That’s a promise.”
“That was the incentive I needed. Right, let’s hurry up and get this nightmare out of the way.”
Daniel winked at her and they began to climb the stairs.
They looked fantastic together. They seemed made for each other and the other guests at the glamorous event were not long in noticing it.
When they made their entrance in the hall, which opened onto other rooms already full of guests, all eyes turned on the famous English model and his new Italian flame. Her name? Who knows… I don’t remember… I don’t think I know her… Lara something?
Sara’s feet felt like lead, and trying to walk nonchalantly was no joke. She felt as though she were being x-rayed. It was like one of those dreams where you’re in the town square and you suddenly realise you have no clothes on.
Just then a man with greying hair and a friendly smile came over to meet them. He also wore a tuxedo. Daniel hugged him affectionately. “So you’ve come, you rogue. You’re the last to arrive.”
“Dario, let me introduce my girlfriend, Sara De Michele.”
Sara was reaching out, preparing to inflict her trout-like hand upon him, when she felt him suddenly embrace her with the same exuberance as he had embraced Daniel with a moment before. “Sara, my dear, you’re divine. What a beautiful dress – and it’s not one of mine.”
She glanced at Daniel, whose lips were pursed as he tried to hold back his laughter. Dario Gualtieri was a highly respected designer, who a lifetime of hard work had taught how to create real works of art from fabrics and materials. As Daniel had already told her, Dario was the uncle of his best friend, Alessandro Gualtieri, as well as a designer who loved him to wear his creations in fashion shows around the world.