by Patricia Mar
As usual, only silence. How she hated that silence – Daniel was in the bad habit of thinking too much before answering.
“I miss you.”
Sara sighed as she heard the unexpected words. Her defences were on the verge of disintegrating, the frustration that had clung to her threatened to vanish in a puff of smoke.
“Sara, where you are?” he asked again. Regret, despair? Or just stock phrases to confuse her? Daniel was the enemy, wasn’t he?
“I’m in a bar with friends.” Better keep it vague.
“I’m at the hotel. I was thinking of you.”
“You never called me.” Why had she said that, damn it?!
“Neither did you, up until now.”
“What is this, battle of the idiots?” She heard Daniel laughing.
“Maybe. Or maybe we just aren’t really sure what we want to say to each other.”
“I know what I want to say. I know…”
She knew?
“What, Sara?”
“That you’ve never loved me. That tonight I can have fun with whoever I want seeing as how you don’t care.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” The tone of his voice had suddenly become angry.
“Yes, and I might even get my bum groped by someone, seeing as how you’re not jealous and we’re having a break to think things over, and… what did I want to say?” Her words were slurred, she was all over the place. That couldn’t be a good sign, could it?
“Sara, listen – go home now, and make sure someone goes with you.”
“You can’t order me around.” Ok, she might sound a bit drunk, but she was lucid. She was practically certain of it.
“Don’t be stupid, have you been drinking?”
“Just a couple of cocktails – or maybe four. Don’t worry. Oh, sorry – you don’t worry about me, do you?”
“Now you’re making me angry, Sara.”
“Ahhh, now I’m making you angry? That’s funny, it’s almost as if you cared about me.” She repeated it for the umpteenth time, just to emphasize it.
“I care about you all right – I love you.” He growled. She could feel the tension, which was palpable, and it gave her a feeling of power. She felt stronger and more confident.
“You love me but you let me go – you left for the United States without doing anything to prevent what happened. You wanted time to think things over and now you have it. Forever. You’ll have a lifetime.” As she said it she felt a dull thud in her chest, a creeping and insidious pain. She had said the wrong thing, she hadn’t thought it through at all. Damn pride. She wasn’t called Elizabeth Bennet, so why was she so determined to act the part?
“I didn’t know how to deal with it. I do care about you, I’ve been thinking about you and about how to solve our problems the whole time.”
“Yet you haven’t lifted a finger to find out how I was, how I felt, or if I missed you and now it’s too late. Now I’ve decided that my life can go on without Daniel Gant, because you don’t love me like I love you.”
“Listen, you’re drunk – put one of your friends on, please.” He sounded like a volcano ready to erupt – Krakatoa, East of Java, puffing out black smoke and lava.
“No way, actually I think I’m going to… to… go back over to Marco and have a dance with him. A really close dance.” That was it, then – she was sure that when she’d sobered up, she’d cringe at the memory of having come out with all this embarrassing nonsense just to take her revenge and to boast of being able to survive without him when it was clear that she never would.
“Who’s Marco?” hissed Daniel through clenched teeth from the other side of the world.
“A guy I just met – maybe a future date.”
“Sara, I’m asking you to go home. We’ll talk tomorrow. I’ll be back in three days. Don’t do anything rash, please. Wait for me.” Was that urgency she could hear in his voice or was she just too drunk to decipher his alarmed tone?
“I don’t have to wait for anyone.”
“Put this Marco on now, I want to talk to him.”
“I certainly will not put him on.” There was no Marco to put on anyway – the only Marco she knew ate sushi and she’d got rid of him a long time ago.
“Christ!” Daniel found himself cursing in frustration, in return Sara was sinking into a post mojito depression.
“You hurt me. I believed in us, I love you so much, but it’s not enough. I don’t know how to deal with your job, I can’t stand the fact that you’re so uninhibited, I know that it’s unfair of me to behave like this towards you, but I’m selfish and petty.” She was on the verge of tears – what a terrible, humiliating phone call. “I’ll never be the right woman for you, and you’ll never be the right man for me. Work comes first and I can’t blame you if you don’t care as much about me as I do about you… I was sure we’d manage to make it work, but when I look at that magazine – and the only reason I haven’t burned it yet is because I don’t want to set the house on fire – I feel sick and I remember how impossible it is for me to live with this side of your job.”
“Listen, we can work through it, Sara. I don’t want it to end like this.”
“All you had to do was tell me that you wouldn’t have ever wanted to see me like that with someone else, but you didn’t. I wanted you to say ‘You’re mine and no one else’s.’ And you didn’t.” She was really crying now, in deep, desperate sobs.
“Sara, I—”
“Goodbye, Daniel.”
She hung up, she couldn’t carry on humiliating herself like that. She was a pretty good masochist, as she had amply demonstrated. She rubbed her eyes to wipe away the tears that didn’t seem to want to stop. She’d made a fool of herself.
She returned to the table and the girls looked quizzically at her.
After explaining to them what she had just done, she begged them to kill her immediately because she couldn’t bear the shame awaiting her the next day when she was sober and would realise her mistake.
A few hours later she was in bed, sleeping with her phone on the night stand and the ring tone turned off. The most sensible thing would have been to turn it off entirely, but a part of her was still hoping.
The next morning, after an initial wave of hangover nausea washed over her when she opened her eyes, she realised she had received a text message from Daniel.
Her hands trembled as, still tangled up in the sheets, she sat up in bed and read it.
The thing is, I do care about you. I’m at the airport and I’m looking for a flight so I can come back to you. We need to talk.
Chapter 27
Surprise!
She was standing in front of his door – she hadn’t been able to stop herself – with the key in her hands and the hope that everything would work out between the two of them.
She hoped he hadn’t arrived from the airport yet, because she wanted to surprise him and make amends for the other day. She wanted to sit down with him and talk calmly about all these doubts that held her heart in a vice. He had told her that he loved her and that he was worried about her, and he had got angry on the phone when she’d mentioned the imaginary Marco… It had to mean something, it must mean that he cared for her and didn’t want to lose her. He’d even cut short his trip in order to speak to her. At the thought of this her heart started beating ten to the dozen. Wasn’t that a good sign?
She entered the apartment expecting to be attacked by Spank, before remembering that prior to leaving, Daniel had taken her to Alessandro’s, as he often did when he was travelling. So her jeans would be safe this time.
It had been three weeks since the last time she’d been there. She loved the place, but above all she loved every moment that she had spent there with Daniel.
She walked over to the piano and remembered the first time he had played some classical music for her. The emotion she had felt, the feeling of bliss and completeness that had hinted to her that Daniel was the right one. For the first time in her l
ife she had been certain.
She sat down on the couch and remembered the times they had made love and how he made her feel like a real woman, moulding her like clay in his hands, giving her pleasure and attention, caressing her.
They had to solve their problems. They had to find a solution because she couldn’t live without him – without the feeling of his arms around her and without his smile warming her. She needed to believe that everything would be alright. Sara would first of all have to learn to control herself and to accept some things about Daniel’s job. If she still wanted him in her life she had to, there was no alternative. It would be worth it.
She stood up with a sigh and headed for the kitchen with two bags full of good things to eat. She wanted to cook him something special, even though he was a hard one to beat in the kitchen.
Here was Daniel’s kitchen – beautiful and tidy but with a lived-in feel about it that made it the hub of the apartment.
She was setting the shopping bags on the floor when she heard a noise. Was he here already? Shit, her surprise had been nipped in the bud! She walked to the door and could distinctly hear his voice.
He was back. Her heart was pounding in her chest so much that she felt like she was on the verge of a heart attack. Calm down, Sara, calm down. She took a deep breath and was about to go and meet him, when she overheard part of the conversation he was having on his mobile.
“I know, Alessandro, but I’ve got no choice – I can’t go on like this, it’s impossible. There are priorities in my life, she’ll just have to get used to it.”
Sara clung to the door frame, a growing feeling of tightness in her chest. She felt as though she was suffocating. Was he talking about her? He couldn’t go on with her?
“Yes, of course I’m fond of her – she’s great and I’m very fond of her, but I just can’t go on like this. This thing with the photo shoot has been too much – I have to decide what’s best for me and for my career, not her.”
Sara was in a daze. She felt as though she were in one of those nightmares where everything seems real, but she wasn’t dreaming, she was in Daniel’s kitchen eavesdropping on a private conversation with his best friend which made it clear what was going to happen to her. Dead and buried, over, finished. He had admitted he felt some affection towards her but that was all. It was demeaning, humiliating – and so damn sad. Her feelings had been trampled on, yet again. Damn her – she had let him do it. Enough – she’d had enough of Daniel, she didn’t want to waste any more time.
But she had to get out of there and she couldn’t do it as long as he was still in the living room. She had no intention of talking to him and making herself look ridiculous all over again.
“I’ll come and get Spank in a couple of hours. I’m glad she behaved herself while I was gone. I missed her so much.”
Sara peered through the crack of the open door. He was sitting on the couch, but he was getting up. With a little luck he would go to the bedroom or the bathroom and she would be able to leave.
She didn’t want to see him or speak to him, Daniel Gant could go to hell. She still had some dignity and he had tried to trample on it one time too many.
Finally Daniel got off the phone and, wearing jeans and a sweater the same colour as his eyes, headed for the bedroom.
Careful not to make a sound, as though she were a cat burglar sneaking into an apartment, Sara made her way to the front door. She heard a noise… running water. Daniel was in the bathroom, she had to hurry.
Her hand was on the doorknob, another deep breath… And she was out! She closed the door behind her and leaned against the wall for a moment. She felt like the main character in White Collar – a Neal Caffrey in skirts, slipping out of a place where he’d just stolen something. All that was missing was for her to leave behind an anklet they could trace her from. But she hadn’t stolen anything. On the contrary, it was her heart that had been stolen, by the worst kind of criminal.
She walked down the hallway and soon found herself in the street – and suddenly she was filled with absolute panic. The bags of shopping and her key! She had left them in the kitchen, in full view. Soon Daniel would find them. He would be looking for her…
She needed air, it felt as if she was suffocating.
As soon as she got to her car she phoned Virginia and told her everything.
“When are you going to stop acting like this? Where’s my real sister gone? That girl who faced everything with such infuriating rationality?”
“She fell in love and everything got messed up.”
“Why didn’t you deal with it instead of running away as though you’d done something wrong?”
“Because… because I didn’t feel like it, okay? I was convinced that he’d come back to be with me and to show me that he still loved me. I was hoping that we could work our problems out and instead I overhear him speaking to his friend about how smart I am but that my time is up because he has his own priorities. He chose his work, I don’t count.” Her voice was beginning to shake, and she felt exposed and fragile as she drove along, clutching the steering wheel so tightly it made her knuckles white.
“Come on, come home, I’ll make you a hot chocolate and we can talk.”
“I need to get away from all this, Virginia.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’ve got a few days off, no tour groups to take around – I think I’ll go and see grandma and aunty.”
“Are you going to drop by to pick up some stuff?”
“No, I’m going to go there right now. I don’t need anything.”
“All right, Sara, but take it easy. I know you’re in love, but try and keep your own centre of gravity, ok? I can’t stand seeing you like this.”
“Virginia, I’ll be ok and when I come home I’ll be back to normal. But for now I just want to take it easy for a couple of days. I’ll deal with it all when I come back.”
“Good for you, sis – I love you, you know.”
“Don’t you get sentimental on me,” Sara replied in a trembling voice: “I love you too.”
Chapter 28
Miss Marple Investigates
The street where Aunty Nora and Grandma Glicine lived was enveloped in darkness. Sara was standing by the window, gazing out absently at the red door of the house opposite, its illuminated windows showing the calm comings and goings of an average family just before dinner. She was finally at peace with herself there, between those four walls which were so dear to her and full of the childhood memories which made her feel safe and loved. She let the lavender scented cotton curtains fall back into place and went to join Aunty Nora in the kitchen.
Nora glanced at her while she rinsed the lettuce. “Sit down, keep me company.”
Sara obeyed silently and sat on a nearby chair.
“You know we’re happy when you come to see us, but what’s the matter? You usually let us know when you’re coming – this time you turned up out of the blue with no luggage looking like you’ve been to a funeral. You’re not having problems with your boyfriend, are you?”
“I still haven’t managed to tell you about him.”
“Your mother and Virginia have already done that for you.”
Sara smiled in spite of herself. It was impossible to keep a secret in a family like hers. “So what exactly do you know about him?”
“That he’s a highly paid model and a nice guy, and that he does photo shoots that are a bit too risqué for my taste…”
Sara put her hands to her face, visibly blushing. “I don’t believe it – you’ve seen him naked too?”
“Of course, I was curious and I saw that he was in Guys & Dolls so I bought a copy.”
Mortified with embarrassment, Sara hunched over the table, hiding her face.
“You should be proud of him – he has a great behind.”
“Aunty, please, that’s why we’ve split up.”
“Because he’s well put together?” asked her grandmother who, wrapped up in her com
fortable, lemon yellow tracksuit, came into the room and sat down next to Sara.
“Grandma, don’t you start as well, please, I’m already embarrassed enough.”
“I certainly didn’t expect to see your boyfriend naked, except by mistake… Maybe after the wedding, coming out of the bathroom door with his towel falling down…”
Sara looked mortified, then laughed along with Glicine. “You’re getting ahead of yourself – and anyway, there isn’t going to be any wedding. We aren’t together any more.”
“Why don’t you explain that part of the story?” asked Nora, wiping her hands on a tea towel and joining the other two.
“There’s not much to say, really. I just hate that part of his job. It makes me uncomfortable – and worse still, it makes me jealous. It turns me into some kind of psycho who’d commit murder to protect her exclusive rights to her man. I don’t like being like that, I don’t want to be like that. And anyway, Daniel has chosen his job. He doesn’t really care about me, about how I feel.” She shook her head dejectedly. “I thought he loved me, but I was wrong. I went to his apartment this morning to surprise him when he got back and apologize and talk through our problems. Even swallow my pride. But I overheard him talking on the phone to his best friend saying he wanted to get rid of me. That he has his own priorities.” Her voice became a whisper. “He hurt me, really badly.” Even though she was desperately trying not to, she burst into tears. Glicine gently stroked her hair.
“My darling, when you asked for an explanation, what did he say?”
“I ran away – he didn’t see me.”
“You should have stayed, my dear – running away never does any good,” said Nora, wisely.
“I know, I know. But I didn’t want to make a fool of myself. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry.”
“What a mess!” exclaimed Aunty Nora.
“Anyway, my girl – you’re here now so let’s forget about all that for a bit,” said Glicine with a purposeful tone. “We could have a movie marathon tonight.”