“It’s not fun,” Gavin admitted, twisting the cap back on his water.
“Has this hill been a U.S. outlook for some time?”
“Yes. And with great regularity the Taliban drops mortars on it hoping to kill us.” He gestured toward where the wooden tower had once stood. “We build the lookout tower and they come back and bomb it to oblivion.”
She shook her head. “I never realized the kind of danger you were in.”
“No one does until they’re up to their butts in it,” Gavin said, grinning. He took his weapon and made sure there was a round in the chamber. With the rag in his pocket, he tried to clean most of the dust off the weapon.
“Will they attack?” Nike asked.
“I don’t know. Depends upon how much damage you were able to do to them.”
“Do they attack every day?”
“No, but since two days ago, they’ve made a concerted effort to take back this hill.” Gavin made circular gestures above his head. “This hill is the key to the whole valley, Nike. It sits at one end and with our binoculars and infrared scope, we can see anyone trying to cross it at night.”
“How are you being resupplied?”
“We aren’t,” he said, frowning. “We’re low on ammo and water. Usually, we get a flight in here twice a week. We’re in dire need of resupply right now.”
“And you can’t get it because…?”
“The Taliban keep firing at the helicopter transport that’s supposed to supply us. Oh, there’s always an Apache with it and they lay down fire, but this time, it hasn’t worked. If the transport can’t land to resupply us, well…”
“Have you made a call to your commander about this?” She felt her throat tighten with concern.
Gavin wiped his brow with the back of his arm. “Yes.” He looked at his watch. “I figure in about twenty minutes we should see a medevac, a transport and an Apache come flying in.”
“Then what?”
“Well, we’re going to swap out A teams. A fresh team will come in with supplies and we’ll be airlifted out of here.”
Relief spread through Nike. “That’s good news.”
Grunting, he said, “Not for the team coming in. It’s one of the hot spots on the border and no one wants this assignment.”
Nike gulped. “Is anyone else in your team injured besides yourself?”
“Oh, we all are more or less,” Gavin said.
Nike couldn’t believe how calm he was about it all. She noticed again the dark red blood that had stained half the trouser across his right thigh. “Are you okay? It looks like your wound is bleeding more.”
“I caught a flesh wound,” he said. “It’s nothing. I’ll be okay.”
She sat there digesting all the information. “I never realized how…dangerous…”
Chuckling, Gavin reached out and patted her shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay. You Airedales fly above the fray. It’s ground-pounding soldiers like us who stare eyeball to eyeball with the bad guys.”
His touch felt so good. Suddenly, Nike realized just how much she liked Gavin. Despite the terror, the trauma and the possibility of another attack, he was joking and seemingly at ease about his lot in life. This was real courage.
“You’re right, Gavin. I sit up there and I’m not connected to the ground below.”
“Well, saves you a lot of PTSD symptoms,” he told her wryly. He sat with the rifle between his drawn-up legs, arms around it.
“That’s not even funny,” she muttered.
“You know what I do when things are quiet like this?”
She heard a wistful note in his voice. “No. What?”
“I think about you. About us.”
A bit of ruddiness crept across his cheeks. It was hard to believe that Gavin would blush but he did. “Us?” Her pulse started as he gave her a warm look.
“Yeah.” Looking around at the foxhole and then up at the blue sky, Gavin said, “It helps me hold on. When things are bad, I remember that kiss.”
So did she, but she wasn’t about to admit it. “Oh.”
Gavin gave her an assessing look and added, “I swore that if we got off this hill alive, I was going to hunt you down.”
A thrill moved through her, though Nike tried to stay neutral. “This isn’t fair, Gavin.”
“What isn’t?”
“You know my past. I lost the man I loved to an enemy bullet. I can’t go through that again.”
Hearing the desperation in her voice, Gavin reached out and gripped her hand. “Hey, life is dangerous. Not just to military people, but to everyone.”
“Especially to the military.” Nike jerked her hand out of his. She felt stifled and trapped. Her heart yearned for Gavin, but her past experience had done too much damage. Nike pleaded, “I’m afraid to love anyone in the military ever again, Gavin.” There, the truth was out.
Gavin absorbed her strained words. Every once in a while, he’d look up and over the crater to peruse the hill below, but everything seemed quiet. “I appreciate your honesty, Nike. A lot of people allow fear to run their lives in different ways. There’s the woman who won’t leave a marriage because she fears losing the security. There’s the man who fears leaving his job for another one.” Shaking his head, he held her narrowed golden gaze. “Fear is everywhere all the time, Nike.”
“What do you fear?”
He smiled. “Being alone. See? I have my fear, too.”
“Why fear being alone?” She searched his pensive face.
“My mother nearly died when I was a little kid. As a ten-year-old I lived through days and nights when she didn’t come home from the hospital. My father tried to help me, but I felt this terror that I’d never see her again. She’d had appendicitis with complications, but as a young kid, I didn’t realize what had happened. My father, bless him, tried to keep the three of us cared for, but he had a job. We ended up with a babysitter and not a very good one at that.”
“It would be hard for a young child to have a parent suddenly gone from their lives like that.”
“It was. I look back on that time a lot. My mom nearly died, but my father never let on how bad it was. I was in school, and that helped. I used to come home and look for her, thinking she was playing a game of hide-and-seek with me.”
Nike’s heart ached for his pain. “That must have been very hard on everyone.”
Picking up a clod of dirt, Gavin crushed it in his fist and let the soil sift between his fingers. “That was one of the most defining moments of my life. I felt abandoned and afraid.”
“But she survived?”
Nodding, Gavin said, “Yes, she came back ten days later. We couldn’t visit her in the hospital because of the type of infection she had. And she was in a coma, so we couldn’t talk to her on the phone. My dad kept telling us she was all right, but none of us believed that.”
“Wow,” Nike whispered, “that was awful for her and you kids.”
He leaned back against the dirt wall. “Yeah, it was. And when she did come home, she was very weak. Nothing like the mother I had known before. I don’t know who cried more—us or her when she was brought in the door on a gurney by the ambulance crew.”
Nike sat digesting it all. “And she did recover?”
“Fully. It took about six months though. She looked like a skeleton and we all thought she was going to die. My father lost his job because he had to stay home and take care of us. We didn’t have the money for a full-time babysitter or a nurse. I remember waking up with nightmares.” He sighed. “It was always the same nightmare—Mom was dead. I’d go into her room and she’d be on the bed, dead.”
“How awful.” Reaching out, she let her hand fall over his. She could feel the grit of dust beneath her fingertips. “I’m so sorry, Gavin.”
He enclosed her fingers and gave them a gentle squeeze. “Hey, every family has their trauma and heartache.”
“That’s true,” Nike admitted. Her hand tingled over Gavin’s touch. She couldn’t deny any long
er she was powerfully drawn to him. “So how did this affect your life?”
Gavin chuckled and made another quick check down the slope on their side of the hill. Sitting down, he said, “My fear is abandonment. My whole life has revolved around the possibility of loss. When I joined Special Forces after graduating, I made damn sure I would never abandon my men or leave them without help.”
“Unlike the ten-year-old who was abandoned by his mom?”
“Yep.” Gavin sighed. “And I got into some pretty stupid relationships with women because of it, too.”
“You wouldn’t abandon them?”
“No, but they abandoned me in many different ways. I always seem to pick strong women who have no problem having affairs with other men.”
“Ouch,” Nike murmured. “That has to hurt.”
“Yeah.”
“Did that ever stop you from having a relationship?”
Giving her a warm look, Gavin said, “Oh, it would for a while, but then I’d jump back into the fray and choose the same kind of woman all over again.”
“I don’t see how you could keep going back and trying again,” she said.
“What’s the other choice? Becoming a monk in a cave in the Himalayas?”
Nike laughed along with him, feeling the connection to him deepen. “Well, at least you have the guts and courage to jump back in and try. I don’t.”
“Maybe you just needed time,” Gavin said.
“Two years.”
He shrugged. “Well, everyone is different, Nike. Was Antonio the first man you’ve fallen in love with?”
She nodded. “Coming from a strict Greek upbringing, I was taught that love comes along only once. My parents have been married since their twenties. They’re very much in love with one another to this day. I wanted that for myself. I wanted that happiness.”
“But it isn’t working out that way for you.”
Nike nodded. “I used to think happiness would just happen.”
“I don’t think happiness is a guarantee in our life,” Gavin said ruefully.
“No,” Nike said grimly, looking up at the darkening sky. “That’s how I see it now.”
“So your world view got shattered when he died.”
“Just like yours did when you were ten.”
“Life does things to all of us,” Gavin said. “I guess what I got out of my mother and father was that hope springs eternal. He never gave up on her. He would hold us, promise us that she was coming home. For whatever reason, the ten-year-old me wanted to see her before I would believe him.”
“You can’t be hard on yourself. You were only ten, scared, and suddenly you had your mom ripped out of your life.”
“I learned then that nothing in life is safe.”
“You’re right about that.” Nike sighed. She sat digesting his words. Nothing is safe. Sitting here in a foxhole on a hill in Afghanistan proved that. “I feel safe when I’m flying an Apache.”
“That’s only because you haven’t ever been shot down.”
“Mmm,” she agreed. Rubbing her brow, Nike gave him a frustrated look. “I’m too much of an idealist. I think everything is safe and fine until it blows up in my face.”
“Right,” Gavin murmured. “But we all get those left hooks that life gives us. The point is to get back up, dust off your britches and move back into the fray.”
“And you’ve done it time and again.”
Gavin nodded. “Yes, I have.”
“Don’t you get tired? Exhausted?”
“Sure I do.” He gave her an uneven grin. “But then, hope infuses me, and I start all over again. I open back up and do the best I can.”
Rubbing her armor-clad chest, Nike confided, “You’re a far braver person that I have ever been, Gavin.”
He looked at his watch. “I have an idea.”
“What?”
“We happen to like each other. In about ten minutes, those helos will be flying into the valley. How about when we get back to base, we start all over?”
Nike felt fear along with a burst of elation. “What are you talking about?”
“My team will get two weeks’ R & R. I’d like to get to know you when things aren’t as frantic or dramatic as they are right now. Can we get together and just talk?” He opened his hands and grinned wolfishly. “I promise, I won’t hit on you. Maybe what you need is a gentle transfer from the fear of losing someone into making friends once more.”
“I don’t know, Gavin.”
“Look at us,” he said persuasively. “We’re sitting here in a foxhole together just talking. I like hearing about your life and how you see things. I know you’re enjoying yourself.”
“Yes, I am.”
“This proves that we can be friends.”
“That’s not what you really want,” she challenged, feeling that old panic again.
“No, but I can be satisfied with friendship, Nike. In all my other relationships, I never had what we have. I like it. My parents used to tell me that the strongest base for a relationship was being friends first. I’m just now, with you, beginning to understand that statement.”
“You were never friends with the women in your life?”
“Not really. And that’s where I may have made a huge mistake.”
Uneasy, Nike said, “Antonio and I were the best of friends.” She saw him digest that statement.
“Maybe,” he said, a bit of wistfulness in his tone, “you’re the best thing ever to happen to me.”
Quirking her mouth, Nike said, “I wouldn’t be so sure of that.”
Gavin heard the sounds of rotors and craned his neck to the west. “Oh, I am. Hey, here comes our rescue party. Two Apaches. That’s even better.”
About that time, Gavin’s radio blared to life. Nike heard her CO’s voice. Dallas was flying one of the Apaches, which meant she and Emma were probably in a helluva lot of hot water. And Dallas was on the flight schedule today. She’d soon find out.
Gavin gave directions to the medevac and transport, a CH-47, about where to land on the hilltop. Before they did, the Apaches made a sweep of the entire area to ensure the transport could land without being fired upon. For the next ten minutes, the two Apaches used their infrared cameras to look for warm bodies in the area. There were none.
Gavin stood up as the CH-47 came in for a landing. Holding out his hand, he said, “Come on, Nike. We get to go home—together.”
She gripped his hand and stood up. Standing there, rifle on his shoulder, he looked incredibly strong and courageous. If nothing else, Nike felt like a true coward in comparison. Right now, she had her CO to worry about. If Emma couldn’t sell the reason for letting off the pilot to take an injured soldier on board, her career could be in real jeopardy. Watching the CH-47 hover and slowly come down, Nike wasn’t sure what to expect.
Chapter 10
Once Gavin had helped her onto the ramp of the CH-47, he backed away, which surprised her. The other A team trundled off and quickly left the area of the rotor blades. Some of Gavin’s A team came on board and the rest went on the medevac. Nike turned, confused.
“I’ll see you back at base tomorrow,” he called, stepping away.
The ramp started to grind and groan as it came up. Nike realized that Gavin was probably going to fill in the next team and she sat down. She dutifully put on the helmet, but couldn’t shake the disappointment that he wasn’t coming back with her. She understood why, but it didn’t help her fear. The Taliban could attack again. At night.
The CH-47 lifted off, the shuddering familiar and comforting. Closing her eyes, she leaned back and tried to relax. The pilot would be doing the roller-coaster nap-of-the-earth flying, and she hung on. Her mind turned to consider the inevitable: Dallas Klein, her CO, was probably pissed off as hell at what she and Emma had done. They’d broken every cardinal rule in the Apache flight book. Who knew what kind of punishment Dallas would dole out?
The moment Nike stepped into the BJS 60 headquarters, the staff
looked up, their expressions grim. A sergeant, Carolyn Cannon, said, “Major Klein wants to see you right away, Captain Alexander.”
I’ll bet she does. Nike nodded. Normally, Emma Trayhern-Cantrell, the XO of the squadron, would have been at her desk, but there was no sign of her. Girding herself, Nike marched up to the closed door, knocked once and heard “Enter.” Compressing her lips, Nike gripped the doorknob, twisted it and entered.
To her surprise, Emma stood at rigid attention in front of Major Klein’s desk. Cutting her gaze to her CO, Nike knew she was in a lot of trouble. The older woman’s eyes blazed with rage.
Coming to the front of the desk, Nike said, “Reporting as ordered, ma’am.” Sweat began to gather on her brow and her heart pounded with adrenaline. Nike had never seen Dallas this angry.
“Captain, what the hell were you thinking when you left the cockpit of your Apache? You know damn well neither pilot is to ever leave that helicopter for any reason unless it’s on fire.”
Nike looked straight ahead to the wall behind her CO. “Ma’am, Berkie…er…Sergeant Berkland Hall, the communications sergeant, was bleeding to death. Captain Jackson said he’d die before a medevac got there to rescue him. Berkie…er…Sergeant Hall’s wife had their first child three months ago. I—I didn’t want to see him die. I wanted to see him live to get home to see his new baby. Ma’am…” Right now, that all sounded like a decision based on too many emotions, but Nike stuck to her guns.
“Captain Trayhern-Cantrell says she ordered you out of the cockpit. Is that true?” Dallas growled.
Gut clenching, Nike realized Emma was being true to her word to take the fall on this breaking of rules. Nike didn’t want to leave Emma at the center of the problem. “Er…Ma’am, it was a mutual decision.”
“Mutual?” Dallas yelled. She glared at Emma. “Dammit, you’re XO of this squadron! You have no business making any ‘mutual’ decisions!”
Emma shot a fearful glance at Nike and then said, “Yes, ma’am.”
Dallas got up and prowled the small office, glaring at both women. “I have my XO, who is supposed to be the poster child for following rules, breaking them. And then I have one of my best pilots agreeing with her to break those rules, too.” Hands behind her dark green flight suit, Dallas stalked around her desk.
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