by Yessi Smith
I couldn’t remember if they’d been the happy couple I imagined them to be, but to me… to the little girl I once was, we were perfect together.
But my mom’s illness swept in without warning or invitation. It changed me. It changed all of us. You couldn’t find the evidence of her disease written on her skin. No, it went deeper than that. Her body was strong while her illness stayed buried deep within her mind, crippling her from the inside out.
I didn’t know what it was that she had. My mom rarely spoke of it. My dad spoke of it even less. It was something we existed with, something that haunted all of our todays and tomorrows.
“You know, you can move in with me if you want,” my dad said, breaking the silence.
I wished he hadn’t spoken. Even though I was tempted to take his offer, I couldn’t. Eventually, my mom would break from her fog and come back to us. When she did, even if she wouldn’t stay long, I couldn’t tell her I was leaving her too. That she would be alone in the home I grew up in.
“I spoke to Linds, and she’d love for you to live with us.” His face was so hopeful, so eager. “Or you and I can get our own place. Just you and me, kid. What do you say?”
“You only want me to move in with you so you don’t have to clean if you’re living by yourself,” I joked.
Eyes so similar to mine lit with mischief. “You are pretty handy with the dishwasher and laundry. And you know, no one knows how to vacuum like you do.”
I pointed my fork at him. “I knew it! But nope, Dr. Crassus, you’re gonna have to make do with Lindsey and without my expertise.”
His face sobered. “It could be like old times.” He held a fisted hand to his mouth when he coughed. “Or not exactly like old times, but…”
“Old times were fun, Dad,” I interrupted, my heart cracking in half at what he wanted from me. “I love the memories we have from when I was younger, but this is our life.” I shook my head, strands of platinum blonde hair danced across my face. “This is my life,” I corrected, “and I’m happy with it. I’m happy in this house. It’s my last year before going off to college, I don’t wanna move out just yet. For now, this is my home. I’ll visit you though. All the time,” I rushed on. “We can even do sleepovers on the nights you’re not on call or working in the emergency room.”
“I want you happy, baby girl.” It came out low, barely above a whisper. “More than anything, I want you happy, and I know this hasn’t been easy for you. Seeing your mom withdraw from us, yell at us. It’s not who she is and she hates that she can’t control it or protect you from herself. She wants you to move in with me.”
Shock jarred me. Hurt made everything worse. My mom wanted me to leave her. She didn’t want me to live with her anymore. That… that was worse, far worse than anything else she’d ever done. Worse than the times she couldn’t control the rage and would hit me. Worse than the times she cried endlessly for days. Worse than the times she slept for countless hours and refused to eat. Worse than the times she hurt herself, cutting and bruising her own skin to lessen the pain in her head. Me, her daughter, she didn’t want anymore.
But she needed me.
I forced my lips upward in a smile and narrowed my eyes at my dad. “You get sleepovers, Dad. We’ll binge watch those dumb superhero movies you love so much. Deal?”
He grinned, and the gesture made him look younger than his fifty years. “What color nail polish should I buy for these sleepovers?”
I giggled. “Is the nail polish for me or you?”
“Both of us.” He held his hands out in front of him and examined his fingernails. “I think yellow is my color.”
“Obviously.” I rolled my eyes.
“You’re good to me, kid. You know that, right? Most kids would hate me right now.”
“Well,” I tapped my chin and continued to tease him in the hopes of keeping the mood light. “I almost started hating you, but Nicole showed me this gorgeous dress I absolutely have to have for the Fall Ball. Then I decided I needed to be on your good side, so you’d hand over the money.”
“Oh, so this is bribery?”
“At its finest.”
“How much is your love going to cost me?” He raised his brows and God, I loved him. His sense of humor, the way we joked with another, how easy it was to fall in to his charm, and forget all the hurt.
I coughed while also giving him the cost.
“What was that?” He stuck his pinky finger in his left ear and twisted it around. “Your old man’s hearing isn’t as great as it used to be. A hundred and eighty dollars? Is that what you said?”
I widened my eyes while I chewed on my bottom lip, giving him my most innocent look. “Yeah.”
“Face of an angel.” He shook his head. “How can I say no when you look at me like that?”
“What?” My mouth dropped open where it hung for a few seconds before I snapped it shut. “You’re actually gonna give me the money?”
“Yeah, kid.” He grinned. “The dress is yours. You’re going to need shoes too, right?”
“I…” I should’ve been happy. This was what I wanted, still my gut twisted in agony. “Dad, you know I was joking, right? I’m not angry with you or Mom. I get it. I don’t need that dress.” I shrugged. “There’s others I can pick from. I was just teasing you.”
“When was the last time you asked me for something that wasn’t school related?” He paused. “It’s been so long, I can’t remember. You’re getting the dress you want, shoes and makeup too. If you want to get your hair done, let’s do it.”
The tension in my shoulders and back subsided. Not much, but enough for happiness to filter through. “Technically, this is school related,” I pointed out as I played with the last bits of my food.
“Then I can probably write it off come tax season.”
I snorted. “You’re such a dork.”
“Noted. Make an appointment at the hair salon. Get your nails and hair done. Don’t they have people who do makeup at the mall? Get that done, too. This is your last Fall Ball. Make it special.”
I jumped from my seat, left my food – it wasn’t like I could eat much anyway – and ran to my dad where I crashed into him for a hug. “Thank you.”
With my arms around his neck, he stood up and hugged me back. Resting his chin on the top of my head, he said, “You’re gonna need a dress for prom too, huh?”
I smiled in to his chest. “Yeah, you probably should’ve thought about that before agreeing to spend all this money on the Fall Ball.”
He planted a loud kiss against my hair. “Looks like I’m gonna be broke by the time you graduate.”
“You can always pick up extra hours at the hospital,” I suggested.
“Get out of here, brat. Go do homework or better yet, call Nicole and tell her how you have the best Dad in the world.”
I looked at him from over my shoulder as I made my way to my bedroom. “You’re pretty okay.”
He tossed a dishtowel at my departing back and hit me on my shoulder. I shrugged it off and watched it fall to the floor.
“Stop making a mess or you’re going to have more stuff to clean while I study.” I gave him a quick wink before I turned down the hall that led to my room.
My mom’s room, the room my dad and her had shared since before I was born, remained closed. I lingered in front of it with my hand on the door knob, willing myself to open it. Knowing I wouldn’t be welcome if I did. I rested my forehead on the wall, my heart fought against its cage, trying to escape. But we were stuck. Not like the prison that made up my school, but a certain kind of hell that brought me both love and hate, tears and joy, hope and despair.
With my dad leaving, the hope, the love, the joy, would go with him. While my mom still had good days, they weren’t enough. They didn’t last long enough for me to enjoy them. For me to find peace in them.
I should move in with my dad until I graduate. She wanted me to. He wanted me to.
No one who knew my situation would blame m
e. But no one knew my situation.
On a sigh, I walked to my room. Immediately, I pulled out my phone to put on some music but instead tapped on the text icon when I saw I had a few messages I’d missed during dinner.
Danny: Hey Brin u ok?
Danny: U seemed kind of off… just wanted to check on u
Danny: U can talk to me. Uk that right?
I clutched the phone close to my chest and wondered how it’d feel to tell him, tell someone about my mom. How her mind had been slowly disappearing since the summer before eighth grade. How she hid from the world on her bad days, and how I hid from her on her worst days. How I hoped she’d find me. Not with a fist closed in unrestrained fury, but with arms open in love.
How I went to doctors for yearly tests because her condition was genetic and discovered that one day, I could be just like her.
I just wished I knew more. Wished I could ask my dad the questions I needed answers to, but he hated talking about the disease that took my mom from him.
Silence was how we dealt with her disorder. My dad hadn’t even been the one to tell me what my future could hold. No, it was my mom during one of her manic episodes. I could still remember the way her fists rained across my body as she let slip my greatest fear. It wasn’t her fists that hurt me that day. It was her words.
It was my dad being gone while working at the hospital with the erratic schedule kept. He was never there to protect me from my mom’s fury. Not that he knew about the abuse. It was just another secret I kept to shield him.
It was my dad’s silence that gutted me. He didn’t even have the courage to tell me, and I didn’t have it in me to ask him and further break his heart.
It was the whispers after the tests were run, when my dad talked to the doctor in private. Where I couldn’t hear anything about my future.
Because I didn’t want him looking at me with the same sad desperation he gave my mom, I never spoke about it. Never let him know that I knew one day I could wind up just like my mom and how terrified I was of the future. I only let him see the parts of me he wanted to see, while I searched for answers on the Internet. Which only confused me more because nothing I found matched my mom’s symptoms.
I swallowed hard, pushing back the tears. Another text came in.
Danny: Txt me back. u don’t have to talk if u don’t want to. Tell me u r ok. I just need to know u r ok.
Me: I’m ok. Bad day, that’s all.
I imagined myself telling him the truth. Would he be there for me? Be shocked? Horrified? Would he turn me away and share my secret with our school? They would laugh at me, all of them. Especially those who I pretend are weaker than me, the ones I preyed on because they were easy targets. Then they’d realize I am the weak one, never them.
Danny: Want me to come over? I’ll grab a bag of the small chocolate bars you’re addicted to.
That made me smile. He cared, I knew he did even if I doubted it most times. Because of that, I had to give him something, so he wouldn’t keep prodding. Half the truth would have to do.
Me: I’m good, promise. My parents are getting a divorce. They told me this morning before I left for school. Guess they thought that was the perfect time to announce our new family dynamics.
Within seconds of hitting the send button, my phone rang. I shook my head when Danny’s name showed up on my screen.
“Hey,” I answered.
“Hey yourself, sweetheart,” he said. “Look, I know you don’t wanna talk about it. You never want to talk about anything that’s bugging you, but I needed to tell you I’ve got you, okay? Divorce sucks.” He pulled in a breath before he continued. “Been there, done that, wrote the damn book. Divorce sucks. I’m here if you need anything.”
“Okay,” I whispered in the phone. “Thanks, Danny. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
He chuckled. “You don’t know what you’d do without me? I’m the one who’d be lost without you. You make everything better.”
“With my sandwiches and snacks?” I teased.
“With your sandwiches and snacks,” he agreed. “And your friendship. Remember sixth grade when you threw a rock at that older kid who was picking on me?”
My heart stilled. I’d forgotten about that. About the fearless girl I used to be.
“Yeah,” I breathed in the phone. “You’ve been a leech ever since.”
He laughed. “And you’ll never get rid of me.” He paused, and the silence between us felt heavy. “You know, you’re the only person who comes to my games to cheer me on?”
A knot built in my stomach and grew. I’d never thought about it before, but I couldn’t remember a single time I’d seen his parents at his games. No aunts or uncles, cousins or grandparents.
“How many times have you stopped by practice to see how I’m doing or if I need anything?”
“And that makes me a good person?” I asked, needing to know if there was absolution for all the wrong I’d done with only a little good.
“It makes you a good friend.” He breathed heavily in the phone. “You’re pretty good at being mean, but usually you’re only mean when you’re defending yourself or someone else. Like how you stuck up for me when you were leaving lunch.”
“Jacob didn’t mean…”
“Tomorrow,” he interrupted, “why don’t we sit with some of my friends?”
“You don’t want to sit with our group?”
“Do you?” he asked. “That’s not my group, Brin. It’s yours.”
“Why do you sit with us then?”
“To sit with you, so you aren’t alone,” he replied.
Alone. In a group full of the loudest most popular kids, Danny stayed by my side, so I wouldn’t be alone.
“There are other tables, other people you can be friends with,” he urged.
“I like our table.” I liked how the other students respected us, feared us. I wasn’t ready to give that up. Not yet, maybe not ever. “Sit with whoever you want.” Hurt made my voice sound small. “I’m good where I always sit. I’m not alone.” It came out defiant, childish.
“I’m with you. Wherever you sit, I’ll be next to you.”
I shook my head, not understanding why Danny was so good to me. Sixth grade was a long time ago. I wasn’t that girl anymore. I’d proven that time and time again when I’d stay quiet while my friends made fun of the only person who was willing to stick by me.
“All I’m saying,” he continued, “is you’ve been there for me, let me be there for you.”
Tears welled behind my eyes, and my throat constricted as they built. “I’ll let you know.”
I wouldn’t. I couldn’t let anyone in.
My shift at Giorgio’s ice cream shop was slow. With the storm looming overhead, the clouds opening and closing with such unpredictability, I wouldn’t have expected anything less. Even the surfers stayed away from the beach on days like this. I was surprised when Giorgio sent me home an hour after I started. And then told me not to return until the following week when the forecast was expected to clear.
With my head throbbing and my stomach growling, I stepped into the rain. Of course, the rain had waited for me to leave work to start its descent. At least it meant I could bathe outdoors with the shampoo, conditioner and soap I’d taken from my aunt’s house when I left. Maybe then Brinley wouldn’t have any snide comments about my hygiene. I should’ve gone by my aunt’s earlier to take some food too, but I hadn’t expected Giorgio to cut my hours.
Already I’d gone through last week’s paycheck when I went to the laundromat to do laundry instead of doing it at my aunt’s house. Where I wound up buying a guy who looked even more lost than me two sandwiches, potato chips and a drink.
Shit.
Anyone who knew my situation would think I was stupid for leaving my aunt’s house, but no one knew about my situation. Despite our many arguments, I knew she cared about me, that wasn’t the problem. She’d taken me into her house, given me a place to stay, and that was where the
problem lay. It was her house and even after five years, I still felt like a guest. One who, according to our latest argument, had overstayed his welcome.
By the time I made it back to the cave, I was drenched. Trekking through town and then the woods had exhausted me. Tired but determined to not give the school’s princess more ammunition, I rummaged through one of my bags and grabbed my razor, toothbrush, and toothpaste. I took it back outside where I’d left the soap, shampoo and conditioner. After stripping my clothes, I bathed in the ice cold water raining down from the sky. My teeth shattered against the hard lashes of rain while I bounced from one foot to the other. Once my body and hair were clean, I put soap on my face and shaved with trembling fingers. Without a mirror, I could only hope I’d do a decent enough job.
Thunder rolled and I turned my head to the sky when it illuminated with brilliant lightning. Between the gloomy clouds, lightning flashed from the sky to the ground, negating the darkness from the storm.
Turning on my tip toes, I ran into the cave and dried myself with a towel. Quickly, I dressed into the clothes I’d taken with me before I left my aunt’s house. When my limbs continued to shake, I put on my hoodie and without eating, I hunkered down for the night with a thin blanket tight around me. But still the shaking wouldn’t stop.
I closed my eyes, willed myself to sleep. Thunder bellowed, lightning flashed across the cave. Throughout the night, the rain never stopped. The chilly wind howled as thunder made the earth beneath me vibrate.
Inside of myself, I drowned.
The alarm on my phone sounded and with a groan, I sat up. The few hours of sleep I’d gotten weren’t nearly enough, but I got up from my makeshift bed. Wet.