by Noelle Adams
“Well, you did,” he said flatly.
“Cam? Is something wrong?” His tone worried her. Things had been going so well and she thought that they were both happy and for the life of her, she had no idea what had brought on this change of attitude. “Did something happen?”
“I got a call from work today,” he began, not looking directly at her. “I need to be back in the office on the second and then they’ve scheduled me to do a lecture circuit up in Canada and then over in Europe. It’s a three-month gig.”
“Oh.” Lily wasn’t sure what she was supposed to say. The thought of not seeing Cam for three months was like a kick in the gut. They had never spent that much time apart; not when Cam had gone to college and never had he taken such a long business trip. “Wow. That’s a really long time.”
He nodded. “I had no idea that it was even a possibility and so it sort of took me by surprise.”
“Don’t you want to go?”
No. He didn’t. Career-wise it was a trip of a lifetime and it was something that would only help him, but personally? It was the last thing that he wanted to do. Being away for that amount of time didn’t bode well with him. Cam knew that if he went, his friend Lily would be right here waiting for him when he got back. But Lily, his pretend girlfriend and real lover? She would more than likely move on without him and he hated that. Hated the fact that he had doubts; that they hadn’t taken the time to talk about their future. They were so focused on living one-day-at-a-time to get through the holidays that they never took the time to stop pretending.
“Cam?” she prompted, doing her best to get a read on him.
“It’s a great opportunity,” he said simply, emotionlessly.
“Then you should do it,” she said with equal emotion.
Cam’s head snapped toward hers. “What about us?” he finally asked, needing the answer more than he needed his next breath.
Lily always knew how important Cam’s career was to him. Ever since he was a little boy Cam had been fascinated with the workings of the Universe and she had admired his determination. Deep in her heart, she wanted him to stay. She wanted to be selfish and tell him that he could let this opportunity go because there would be other ones. But by the dark and serious look on his face, she didn’t think that he would agree.
Maybe that was why he was out here in the frigid cold wandering aimlessly in the woods; he was trying to find a way for them to finally put an end to their make-believe relationship so that he would be free to follow his dream and achieve the level of success in his field that he had always wanted.
Taking a breath that she didn’t feel that she had, Lily stood a little taller and willed herself not to cry and to keep her voice steady. “We had planned on breaking up right after New Year’s,” she said, forcing a confident edge to her voice. “So really, this plays perfectly into the grand scheme of things. We won’t have to stage some fake fight; you’ll leave for your trip and then we can just phase out. You know, long-distance relationships and all that.”
Cam’s whole body went rigid. He was furious. Had he been truly alone in his feelings all of this time? Did he not know Lily at all? How could she have made love to him with such emotion and carefree abandon and then stand here and talk about ending their relationship as if it were meaningless? Was he that big of a fool that he had only been seeing what he wanted to see? Was he so naïve about relationships and the opposite sex that he didn’t realize that it was all one-sided?
“I suppose,” he said through clenched teeth.
Lily looked away and shifted uncomfortably not knowing what else to do or say because she didn’t think she could hold back the tears much longer. “Well then, that settles it. Are you planning on staying for the festivities or do you need to leave sooner so that you can go home and get everything in order before you have to fly out?”
Cam hadn’t allowed himself to think that far ahead because in his mind, he thought that he would tell Lily and she would ask him not to go; that she’d tell him that she didn’t want them to be apart. He shook his head with disgust. This was why he didn’t do relationships; clearly he had no clue about the opposite sex – even when it came to his best friend.
“I guess there’s no point in hanging around; I have to get my townhouse closed up and deal with stopping mail service and organize my notes and all that.” He looked around at the scenery, the sky, his shoes; anything to keep him from looking at Lily. “No time like the present, I suppose.” And with that he strode off.
Lily watched him go and stood perfectly still until she could no longer hear his footsteps crunching on the frozen ground. It was only then that she crumbled to the ground and cried for all she was worth. Her heart was breaking and it hurt more than she ever thought possible.
How did this happen? How had she gone and fallen in love with her best friend? This wasn’t supposed to be the way that it went! Tears fell hard and fast and she couldn’t see her hand in front of her face. Cam had gone away before but never for long periods of time and she never hurt like this; never ached as if a part of her was missing.
She wasn’t sure she’d be able to survive it. At some point Lily knew she was going to have to go back into the house and return to an empty room and then look at the pitied expressions on her family’s faces. She was going to have to sleep alone in their bed and then drive home with her parents back to her lonely life.
Without Cam.
Why hadn’t she stopped him? Why couldn’t she, for once, be selfish and go after what she wanted? It wasn’t fair that she always stepped back and let the things that made her happy slip through her fingers. Over the years she had left jobs that she loved and lost touch with friends that she enjoyed because of someone else’s disapproval.
This time it was all on her; Cam was leaving not because of anyone else’s issues, but her own. She wasn’t confident or brave enough to tell him how she really felt. In all of their time together over the last six weeks, Lily was certain that Cam must have been able to tell how she felt. But in the end, when it was the ultimate moment of truth, he couldn’t see it and Lily couldn’t say it.
Some pair they made.
For all of their talk about how in tune they were with one another, at a pivotal point in their relationship and they had no idea what the other was even thinking or feeling. What did that say for them and their friendship?
She was freezing and her teeth were chattering but still Lily wasn’t ready to go back into the house; she needed to wait a little longer to make certain that Cam was packed and gone. He was very efficient when something needed to be done and she had no doubt that he would have gone back inside and gone straight to their room to collect his belongings. He’d want to be on the road before it got too late; to be back at his home before dark.
Her ears perked up when she heard footsteps approaching. Was it Cam? Was he coming back to tell her that he wasn’t leaving? That he didn’t want to leave her for three long months because he loved her? “Lily?”
It was her sister.
Could she not catch a break today?
“Over here,” she murmured and turned to see Beth making her way through the trees. Lily didn’t move from her spot on the ground and was surprised when her sister – her forever neat and tidy sister – sat down on the cold ground beside her.
“So Cam said he’s leaving,” Beth said, staring forward. Lily simply nodded. “He said that he’s got this great opportunity to travel to Europe and Canada and whatnot and that it’s supposed to be some big feather in his cap.”
“That’s what he said,” Lily confirmed, hating having to have this discussion with anyone.
“So what are you going to do about it?” Beth asked as she finally faced her sister.
Lily shrugged. “It’s something that he’s worked his whole life for. He’ll leave, he’ll travel and I guess we’ll see what happens after three months.”
Beth snorted with disgust. “Wow, I cannot believe that you just said that.”
“The two of you are crazy about one another and you’re just willing to let him leave like that and just sort of get all wishy-washy about the future? What is wrong with you?” Beth demanded.
It was no use pretending anymore; what good had it done her? “Look, the truth of the matter is that Cam and I were never really dating. We made the whole thing up.”
Beth laughed out loud and Lily’s head snapped toward her. “What the hell’s so funny?”
“You know, I was a little suspicious of the whole thing when you first announced your relationship. I mean, after all of these years, why now? But then I watched the two of you these last weeks and you know what I think?”
“No,” Lily said with a weary sigh, wishing her sister would just get up and go away.
“I saw two people who were genuinely in love.”
Lily shook her head. “You’re wrong. It was all an act.”
“Please,” Beth snorted. “I’ve seen your acting and that, little sister, was no act. Not on your part and not on his. You’re lying to yourself if you believe otherwise.”
Lily looked at her with sadness and confusion. “Aren’t you listening? We did this to get mom and Angela off of our backs. We were tired of the endless stream of blind dates and whatnot so we thought we could at least have one peaceful holiday season if we just pretended to be involved.”
“Were you just pretending?” Beth asked gently, a tone that was very unlike her usual self.
Shaking her head, Lily began to cry. “I don’t know what happened; it wasn’t supposed to be real and yet…after that first kiss? It was like everything that I had been searching for my whole life was finally right there in front of me.” She did her best to compose herself, wiping furiously at the tears streaming down her cold face. “But at the end of the day, Cam is this super smart guy who has this amazing career that means more to him than anything. How could I possibly ask him to stay?”
“How could you possibly let him leave?” Beth took Lily’s hand in hers, and tugged to get her to look her way. “Most people aren’t lucky enough to fall in love with their best friends; normally you fall in love and then learn to be friends. You and Cam? You’ve always been perfect for one another. We all thought so. Watching the two of you together? It was like watching…a love story. Look, we’ve known the Greene’s all of our lives and so I’ve known Cam as long as you. He’s always looked at you with longing, Lil; but lately? He watches you with love. You can’t just let that go.”
“He didn’t want to stay, Beth,” Lily said sadly. “Maybe he’s a better actor than I am because when all is said and done, he was able to just walk away.”
***
Cam had packed with his usual efficiency even as he kept one eye on the door. He kept expecting to see Lily come barreling through it to stop him, but she didn’t. When he had no other choice, he had loaded his belongings in his car and said his goodbye’s to everyone and driven away.
For the first twenty miles he was numb. For the next sixty miles he was indecisive about whether or not he had done the right thing. Indecision turned to sadness and sadness gave way to anger. “Dammit!” he cursed, slamming his hand on the steering wheel. Why hadn’t he fought more? Why didn’t he demand that Lily tell him what she was feeling? He’d known her his whole life and he knew that when Lily was faced with a difficult situation that she tended to retreat and say what she thought other people wanted her to say. How could he have forgotten that?
Thinking about the upcoming trip Cam felt annoyance rather than excitement. He was damn good at what he did and he had made a name for himself in his field. This was a great opportunity but it wasn’t a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity no matter how much his bosses tried to tell him that. And even if it was, what was it really doing for him? He would have a higher title, he’d have the accolades and the fame but when he returned home what would he have?
Nothing.
Just as he had six weeks ago, he’d still have nothing. His work was thrilling and fulfilling; of that he was certain. But it wasn’t everything. It didn’t give him joy; it didn’t make him smile and it certainly didn’t fill him with a sense of lightheartedness or make him laugh.
Only Lily did that.
And he had walked away.
For as successful as Cameron was, his career was fairly safe. He was studying the Universe and there were infinite possibilities and new things to find but he was part of a very small community where even if people didn’t agree with his theories or his findings, the masses still did.
Taking a risk with Lily was something completely different.
What if he drove back to the mountains, professed his love to her and she told him that it hadn’t been real? That what they had shared had been nothing more than a pleasant diversion and that was it? What if she laughed in his face and he lost the best friend that he had ever had?
Could he risk it?
Should he risk it?
Back at his home, he looked around; everything was neat and tidy. The only personal items around the place were the things that Lily had given him and not just for Christmas but over the years. Cam had already placed the collage from their trip over his fireplace. Standing in the middle of his living room he looked at the images and his chest ached. Over on his coffee table was a photo of the two of them from their high school graduation.
Turning around, Cam realized that every photograph in his home was of the two of them or of his family. Lily was everywhere surrounding him because he needed her to feel safe, to feel secure in his lonely home and to feel loved.
What had he done? Had his plan – his stupid plan that had seemed so simple when he had thought it up – ruined everything? By avoiding a few unwanted dates had he lost everything that was important to him and vital to his very existence?
Cam’s first instinct was to get in the car and go back. Go back and beg Lily’s forgiveness, profess his love and even if she didn’t love him back, ask for just one more night to hold her in his arms. He’d have to learn to be okay with having her in his life as just a friend and watching as she went on and found the man that she would settle down with, have children with and do his best to be happy for her.
He was tired. He was used to spending hours pondering the workings of the Cosmos and yet the exhaustion that he felt after doing that was nothing compared to what he was feeling now. His sense of duty told him that he had a team of scientists that were waiting on him and expecting him to do the right thing.
And Cam always did the right thing.
It was what was expected of him and what he was good at.
Sometimes doing the right thing and living up to everyone else’s expectations wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be.
Ten
“Lily, sweetheart, come inside,” Mary called from the doorway. “It’s freezing out here.”
It was New Year’s Eve, eleven p.m. and Lily stood out on the far end of the deck and stared up at the sky. It was a cloudy night and there were no stars to be found but she was determined. “I’ll be in soon, Mom,” she said distractedly. “Don’t worry.”
Mary Cavanaugh stepped out onto the deck and walked over to her daughter. She came to stand beside her and leaned against the rail and looked up at the night sky with her. “It looks like snow again.”
Lily nodded. “Smells like it too. I love that.”
Sighing, Mary place an arm around Lily and pulled her close. “I’m so sorry,” she said quietly. “I know how upset you are about Cam leaving and although I still have hope that the three months apart won’t mean the end of your relationship, I hate that it happened now, over the holidays and when everything was so new for you.”
Surprisingly, Beth had kept Lily’s secret. She didn’t tell anyone how Cam and Lily’s relationship had all been a sham. Part of Lily was thankful but another part of her simply wished that Beth had been her usual self and blabbed the news to everyone so that they would be angry with her rather than lookin
g at her with sympathy and pity.
She hated the pity.
Lily knew how to deal with a bratty sister. She didn’t know how to deal with a sister who was kind. It was a novelty and somewhere in the back of her mind she was waiting for the time when Beth would use that secret information for her own personal gain; to make Lily look stupid.
It felt wrong even thinking it.
During those precious thirty-minutes where they had sat on the cold ground and actually talked, Beth had shared how her own marriage was less than perfect. She told Lily how she had actually been jealous of her and Cam because she and her husband had never had the kind of affection that they had. It both filled Lily with pleasure and pain. There had been affection and it had been real. It wasn’t the stuff of friendship, it had been the kind of affection that can only be shared between two people who were soul mates.
Cam and Lily had often joked at how they believed they were soul mates but in the context of being friends. She realized now that that really wasn’t the case. Looking back she knew that she had always been in love with Cameron Greene, scientist, computer geek and all-around good guy and she had let him walk away.
“You really should come inside by the fire,” her mother said, breaking the silence.
Lily turned to her mother and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek. “Soon.”
Mary knew that was her cue to leave. She hated to see Lily so upset and she hated knowing that there was nothing that she could do to ease the pain. Walking back into the house she even knew that it wasn’t Cameron’s fault; he had to go. It was his job, his career, his life.
It had just never interfered with anyone’s heart before.
Once Lily heard the door close she breathed a sigh of relief. She didn’t want to cry in front of her mother. Again. She had done enough of that yesterday and today. Most of the current day had been spent wallowing in bed until her mother had come in and physically dragged her out of the bed and forced her to take a shower and come downstairs for something to eat. Lily had to admit that she had been starving but it took too much energy to physically move.