by Sharon Booth
All around her the beauty of the landscape worked to soothe her troubled soul. She paused a moment, gazing out across the fields. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, hearing the chirruping of birdsong, and the gentle sound of a breeze rustling the leaves on the trees. Skimmerdale was waking up after its long winter sleep.
Whatever James thought, she'd no intention of stopping her visits to Fleetsthorpe. It was only going there that kept her sane. Being around Eliot and Eden was essential for her. They were her anchor, reminding her what a normal relationship looked like. Oh, they weren't perfect, they had their disagreements and their difficulties, but they were a team, and they loved each other deeply. As for the children — Ophelia and Liberty were such bright girls. They were very different in their personalities, but both equally delightful to be around. Ophelia with her bluntness, humour and mischief, and Libby with her kindness and consideration and gentle nature.
Then there was George, of course. Despite being no relation to Eliot and bearing a strong resemblance to both his natural parents, he'd already mastered Eliot's scowl and some of his mannerisms to perfection, and he'd frequently demonstrated Libby's kindness and Ophelia's mischief. It was hard not to take to him, even though a part of her flinched every time she saw him.
She loved the Harland family, and her visits to them were the only bright spot in her week, especially now that her in-laws were back. She was glad some of the pressure had been taken off Eliot and Eden, with Cain paying for the wedding, Emerald organising it, and Jed being around to help get the bunk barns ready and lend a hand on the farm. Eliot would be glad of his help when lambing came around, she was sure, no matter how much his face said otherwise at the moment.
She found there was a hint of a smile on her face. She couldn't deny she'd felt a surge of relief to discover Jed was Emerald's brother, not her boyfriend, and he would be staying around for a while. That was good. She hoped she'd bump into him again. He seemed nice.
Nice? She laughed inwardly. That wasn't the word that sprang to mind whenever she thought about Jed. He'd had a startling effect on her, and it was most unexpected. And quite scary, if she was honest. Although ... She sighed. It had been rather lovely, too. It felt like she had a secret inside her, something that was just hers. Something that no one else knew about, that she could summon up when things were getting too much. Like today.
She carried on walking, finding the path through the woodland to the village. She'd go home the long way around. It was the first real sunshine they'd had so far this year, and there was no hurry. Far from it.
As she headed out of the copse and into the sunlight again, her heart did a sudden skip and her legs felt hollow. Oh, God!
'Hey!' Jed's smile was warm and easy. 'Beth. Fancy seeing you here. You on your way to the village? I've been exploring. I figured if I'm gonna be living here a while I'd better get my bearings.' His smile faded, and his eyes filled with concern. 'Are you okay? You look real upset.'
'No, no. That is, yes, I'm okay.' She swallowed. 'Just had a row with the husband.' Why had she said that? What did she want to go and remind him of the fact that she was married for? What was she thinking! Of course, she had to remind him. More than that, she had to remind herself.
'Ah. Right. I won't probe,' he said, holding up his hands. He glanced around, clearly feeling awkward. 'Emerald and Dad are at the farmhouse, making lists, so I escaped. She's finally coming around to organising this wedding. I guess she'd be happier if it was happening further south, but, you know. It is what it is. It's great to see her smile, but there are only so many discussions you can listen to about buttonholes and favours. She's got big plans, that's for sure. I figured it was time I headed out and left them to it. I was just in the village.' He grinned. 'It's real cute — like something out of an old English movie.'
She looked over his shoulder and nodded. 'I suppose it is. One takes it for granted. I've been here so long now that I've stopped noticing.'
'Wow, I can't imagine that. I hadn't realised how much I missed England 'til I came back. I'd forgotten how beautiful it is.'
She shivered. 'I suppose it depends who you're sharing your little bit of England with.'
'You could be right,' he mused. 'I guess if you're having a hard time with — whoever — you don't notice the bigger picture.'
'Right now, I'm sharing my bit of England with my in-laws and it's so hard.' She bit her lip, wondering why she was spilling her family secrets to someone who was, when all was said and done, a stranger.
'I'm real sorry to hear that. Families, huh? Who'd have 'em?'
Beth nodded, noticing his dimples, and the way his hair flopped rather untidily. He was wearing a battered brown leather jacket, jeans, and Timberland boots, and there was a chunky watch on his wrist. No ring, though, she thought, wondering why that made her feel happy. 'I don't get on with them. David's a bully and a tyrant,' she admitted. 'Although, his wife scares me more.'
'In what way?'
They were walking now, heading towards the village. Jed didn't seem to mind that he was doubling back on himself. Beth was aware that she shouldn't be discussing James's family with this stranger. It was disloyal, and she usually guarded against disloyalty, no matter how much they hurt her. With Jed though, it didn't seem to count somehow. 'She disapproves of me,' she said. 'And you know, that makes me feel far worse than David's bossiness or downright rudeness. Somehow, it hurts more.'
'Why the hell would she disapprove of you?' he said, sounding genuinely baffled. 'You're kind, compassionate, attractive, smart. What more does she want from a daughter-in-law?'
Beth realised her face was burning. Kind, compassionate and smart? Lovely compliments. But attractive? Did he really think so? God, she was shallow. 'What she wants,' she admitted, 'is someone who is good enough for her precious son. And I seem to fall far short of that. I don't know what it is I've done wrong. I try very hard to please him, to please them all, yet it never seems —'
She broke off as her voice cracked, and she blinked away the tears, feeling ashamed of herself. He put his arm around her, his voice gentle. 'Hey, take it easy. Some people you can't please, no matter what you do. That's because there's something wrong with them, not with you. Maybe, you should stop trying. Maybe, you should start living your life to please yourself. What have you got to lose?'
He was right, she realised, looking up at him. More than that, there was a bleakness in his face that made her think he'd learned that lesson the hard way. She wondered what had happened to him. He'd left the band, she remembered. Cain had said — what had he said? That Jed had refused to go back to America. She wondered why he would want to stay in England when he'd had a life in the States that had been so successful.
She'd Googled him when she got home, startled to realise that he'd been lead guitarist and vocalist in Raven's Wing, a band that had had major success with their first two albums recently, and that there was fevered, and rather anguished, speculation among the fans in America as to his whereabouts, and whether or not he'd officially left the band. Why would he walk away from that? What had hurt him so much? Because she was certain something had. She felt something stir inside her, and as he looked back at her, she felt a strange and unexpected connection to him. It was probably a good thing that they'd reached the fork in the path.
'I'm going home via the village,' she said, with some reluctance. 'You need to go the other way towards Fleetsthorpe.'
'Right. Sure. Well, remember what I said,' he told her. 'Stop trying to please them. Be yourself. Yourself is more than good enough.'
She would remember that, she thought, as she turned away from him. She would hold that piece of advice in her heart, and whenever James got petulant, or David got angry, or Deborah gave her one of her withering stares, she would think to herself, I am Myself, and Myself is more than good enough. One day, if she thought it often enough, she might believe it.
Chapter Eleven
'This is gunna take some painting.' Cain w
rinkled his nose in dismay as he surveyed the barn, Emerald by his side.
'I don't know why they don't hire professional decorators,' Emerald said with a shrug. 'As if Eliot hasn't got enough to do already!'
'Hmm. Your concern for Eliot's welfare is touching, I'm sure. Don't forget he'll have Jed to help him out.'
'Even so.'
'They won't take no money off me to help, and decorators cost money. Reckon they've had to cut corners on fittings as it is. I saw Eden looking through a bathroom website yesterday. Talk about basic.'
Emerald tutted. 'We're talking about hikers here, Dad. How grand do you think they'll expect it to be? So long as the toilet flushes and the shower's hot, they should count themselves lucky.'
'Hah! Easy for you to say. Bet you've got gold taps and a bidet in your gaff.'
Emerald pulled a face. 'You must be joking! I've had years of being carted around from hovel to hovel while Mother dearest absorbed the atmosphere of her historical novel backdrops. When you've washed your clothes in a stream and shit in a bucket a few times, you're grateful for the most basic of mod cons.' She sighed. 'This may be a mere hostel for walkers, but it's still better than most of the places I've lived in. Warmth, a hot shower, and a flush toilet. That's perfection in my eyes.'
'Did you really do that?' Cain's eyes were wide. 'Shit in a bucket, I mean?'
'It was either that or venture outside in the howling wind and rain to do it behind a tree. Funnily enough, a bucket seemed like the best option.'
'Bleeding hell.' He shook his head, feeling stunned that his daughter had been brought up in such a savage fashion. His own childhood home had an outside toilet, but at least it had flushed. 'I'm so sorry, Emerald.'
She seemed surprised at his admission, and evidently didn't quite know how to respond. 'It's okay.' She shrugged. 'Now, shall we take a look inside?'
As they opened the door, Jed walked up behind them. 'Inspecting the place? I was about to do the same.'
'Hell's bells, where do you start?' Cain said, staring around. 'You're gunna have your work cut out here, mate. Top of the list seems to be the plumbing,' he added, giving Emerald a sympathetic look. She didn't see it. She was gazing out of the far window, and he followed her gaze, his eyes taking in the gently sloping fields and the distant sparkle of sunlight on water as the rays reflected off the River Skimmer. He wondered how he'd never noticed this side of his middle child before? Why hadn't he known what kind of childhood she'd had? Why had he allowed Cassandra to take her away and been content to wash his hands of her?
He'd known his second wife was a bit of a fruit loop. She was too wrapped up in herself and her own wants and needs to take proper care of their daughter. He'd known it, deep down, but he was trying to do the right thing by Marcus and Sandy at the time, and he was still battling with Lowri over his eldest two. Emerald had been a casualty of war, he supposed, and felt a stab of shame.
'Looks like Jed's gunna be well and truly occupied here,' he said carefully. 'You do know that, right?'
'Of course. I'm not stupid,' Emerald said.
'And that means the wedding planning is gunna be down to you.'
Emerald's eyes narrowed. 'What are you saying? That I'm not up to it?'
'No, no.' He shook his head. 'I have to go home tomorrow. I'm doing that guest appearance on some stupid panel show. Don't ask me why. Oh well, at least I'll be back in the studio soon.' His eyes lit up at the thought of it.
'Studio? You're recording new stuff?' Jed sounded surprised.
'Bin asked to feature on a track on Sun King's next album,' he preened.
Emerald gaped at him. 'Even I've heard of Sun King. They want you? What on earth for?'
Cain scowled, his guilt over his daughter vanishing like vapour. 'What do you mean, what for? Bleeding cheek.'
'Dad's good,' Jed said hastily. 'His voice is excellent, and he's a master at what he does. Sun King are wise to ask him to be involved. Good luck with it, Dad.'
Cain felt a little soothed and remembered why he'd started the conversation. 'Point is, between the panel show and the studio, I got other things to sort out, so I ain't going to be here.' Too right, he did. Several charity functions for some cause or other. He couldn't remember offhand what they were in aid of, but it looked good if he attended and donated. That knighthood was within his grasp. He could almost touch it. 'That's why I've asked Eden if you two can stay at the farm.'
'What! What on earth for?' Emerald looked appalled.
'Because it's one hell of a trawl between The Paradise Hotel and here and, well, it would be a dummy run for Eden, an' all. There's a guest room for you, Emerald, and Eden's gunna make up a bed in the attic for you, Jed. Bit basic, but it's okay, and it will give her the chance to find out how she copes with everything before that new venture of hers opens for business. I've got a feeling it's gunna be too much for her, and she needs to find that out now, before she's taken the bookings. Having two guests to run around after, on top of her family, will be a great trial run.'
'Great,' Emerald snapped. 'So, we're bloody guinea pigs for your precious Eden. Might have known.'
'It's not a bad idea,' Jed soothed. 'In fact, it could work out well. The farm's pretty cool, and we've both got a lot to do, so it makes sense to be on hand. Come on, it's gotta be a lot more comfortable than staying in the hotel, right?'
'Well, you would say that,' she snapped.
'Meaning?'
'Meaning we can all see that you fancy Eden like mad. No wonder you want to stay with her.'
'What? Are you crazy? Where the hell did that come from?' He shook his head, bewildered.
Cain scowled. 'You'd better not get any ideas in that direction,' he warned. 'She's happy with this Eliot fella, and even though I think she could do better than landing herself with all this worry and hard work, I know for a fact that he thinks the world of her. Plus, there's them little kiddies to think of, so no funny business. Right?'
Jed's face was a picture of indignation. 'She's a friend! There's nothing more to it than that. I like Eliot, so why would I —? Jesus, why am I even defending myself? This is stupid. I have no intentions towards Eden at all, okay?'
'Hmm. Glad to hear it. So,' Cain looked from one to the other, 'you're happy to move in there? Do the trial run and help the Harlands out?'
Emerald and Jed exchanged glances. Jed nodded. 'Fine by me. Emerald?'
She pursed her lips, thinking, but seemed to accept that she had no choice. 'I suppose so.'
'Good. Now let's bugger off back to The Paradise. I'm flaming starving.'
****
James recognised the look on his father's face. The determination in his eyes, the tight line of his mouth. His heart sank. Why had he been summoned?
'Sit down.'
James obeyed, wondering what the hell was in store for him now.
'I've been giving the matter some thought, and I've concluded that we haven't got time to sit around and wait for nature to take its course,' David said. 'Beth's thirty-four now. Fertility in women starts to decline in the mid-thirties, so there's no time to lose. Now, I know you said you've had tests, but I think you should see a top specialist. To that end, I've been doing some research, and I've found the perfect man. It's an exclusive clinic and it will mean a few trips to London, but —'
'No!'
James wasn't sure who was most startled at the sound of his vehement refusal — himself or his father. David's eyes had opened so wide his eyebrows were almost scraping his hairline. 'No?'
'I — I don't see any need for this. As I've said before, we've seen specialists.'
'But they weren't private specialists, were they? You get what you pay for in my experience. This chap —'
'I'm sorry. I must be clear about this. There's no need.'
David stared at him for a moment, his lips moving soundlessly as he surveyed him with undisguised amazement. Then he turned away, gazing out of the window so James couldn't see his face. Not that he wanted to. He knew his fa
ther well enough to know the matter wouldn't end there. 'Something you want to tell me, boy?'
James felt a prickling sensation as tiny beads of sweat appeared on his forehead. He was aware that his stomach was behaving in a peculiar fashion, leaving him nauseated. His mouth felt dry. He'd kill for a whisky.
There was a long silence, then David turned to face him. 'Well?'
James swallowed. 'I don't know what you mean,' he began, but he saw his father's eyes narrow and he shut up.
'This is a marvellous opportunity, and you're refusing to take it.' David sat down and glared at him. 'What are you keeping from me?'
The temptation to run was overpowering, but James knew he wasn't a six-year-old child any more. He had to stand up to his father, for once. 'I'm not sure I know what you mean,' he said, trying to keep his voice steady.
'Really?' His father leaned back in the chair and steepled his fingers under his chin, his eyes unblinking as he stared at James. 'Don't take me for a fool, boy. If you seriously wanted a child, you'd be willing to try anything. You haven't even attempted IVF for five or six years. Why not? What's going on? And don't even think about lying to me.'
James closed his eyes. This was it. The moment he'd dreaded for so long, but had always known, deep down, was inevitable. He could only hope his father had an understanding side, although he hadn't seen much evidence of it.
'Some years ago, I made a decision.'
'What decision? Well? Spit it out.'
'I made the decision that I didn't want children. To that end, I took steps to ensure I never had to worry about it.'
'Steps? What the hell are you — are you telling me you had a vasectomy?' David's voice had risen to a squeak. Clearly, the idea was preposterous.
'That's about the size of it, yes.'
David's mouth fell open. He seemed unable to speak for a moment, and James felt a fleeting stab of satisfaction that he'd managed to take the wind out of his father's sails for once, however uncomfortable the outcome was going to be. And he was under no illusions that it would be very uncomfortable indeed.