All In

by Amy DeMeritt

  Erin: Please tell me what the hell I’m looking at!

  Gloria: Damn, that place is a mess. They really drank a shit ton of beer today.

  Erin: They are snuggling!

  Gloria: And?

  Erin: You are no help.

  Gloria: Simmer down, honey. Don’t wake them. I’m coming over.

  Erin slips her phone in her back pocket and paces the length of the cluttered coffee table opposite the couch before walking out of the living room and going to the bedroom. She releases a deep sigh of relief seeing the bed is still made up from how she fixed it this morning.

  She sits on the foot of the bed and takes several deep breaths then yanks her phone out of her pocket and brings up the picture of Ashton and Skylar. She pinches and drags her fingers open to zoom in on them. Both of them look so peaceful and natural in each other’s arms. Ashton’s one arm is wrapped under Skylar holding her shoulder while the other is bent above her own head. They didn’t just fall into this position. They purposefully laid down together. Did they kiss? Were they making out and became drowsy from so much food and beer? Would they have had sex if they didn’t fall asleep? Or did they have sex on the couch and the food and beer binge was to refuel and bond in their afterglow?

  As her heart sinks from the many unanswered paranoid questions racing through her brain, she locks the phone and tosses it aside. She wants to run back into the living room and demand to know what the hell is going on and what they did all day, but Ashton is not a cheater. Ashton. Is. Not. A. Cheater. – She chants it over and over again in her head, but it does nothing to assuage her concern.

  After several minutes, her phone vibrates with a new message.

  Gloria: I’m here.

  She tucks the phone in her pocket and quietly races out to the living room to find Gloria standing in front of the coffee table looking at Ashton and Skylar with a small smile. She sidles up next to her and gives her a hard, meaningful look.

  At a whisper, Gloria says, “They’re cute.” Erin throws her arms up in the air and turns to leave, but Gloria grabs her arm, pulling her back. “Calm down and just watch.”

  Gloria walks around the coffee table and bends down at Ashton’s side. She caresses her cheek as she kisses her lips then gently tugs her earlobe. With a sharp inhale and a groan, Ashton’s eyes flutter open, and as they come into focus and she sees Gloria, she smiles and starts to sit up, but she falls back from the weight on her chest.

  She looks down at Skylar sleeping on her chest and makes an “oops” face, then quietly says, “Hey, babe.”

  “Hey, honey. Looks like you had a fun day.”

  She looks around the room and suppresses a laugh as she nods. “Yeah, we made a mess.” She smiles up at Erin and puckers her lips. Erin walks over and gives her a light kiss on the lips. “Hey, baby. How was your day?”

  “Okay, till I couldn’t reach you. I’ve been worried.”

  “I’m sorry. I think we fell into a food and beer coma. What time is it?”

  “After five.”

  “Shit.” She gently jostles Skylar’s shoulder and the young woman sighs as she snuggles in closer. “Skylar, wake up.”

  Her eyes flutter open and closed, and as Ashton runs a hand over her head, she slowly sits up on an elbow and looks around confused.

  “We fell asleep.”

  “We did.”

  “Crap. What time is it?”

  “After five.”

  She quickly sits up and sways slightly from her drowsiness. “I have to go. I have to put in a few more hours of work today.” She grabs her light blue Vans and holds a finger in the heel as she slips her sock covered foot in the shoe. As she’s standing up, she sleepily stutters, “Hey, Erin and Gloria, sorry I can’t stay to catch up.” She pulls her tank top down to cover the sliver of exposed midriff. She pats her ass and looks around confused. “Ash, do you know what I did with my phone?”

  Ashton pats around the couch under the back cushions and between the seat cushions. As she’s standing, she says, “Ah ha, gotcha. I was laying on it.” She hands the pale teal covered phone to Skylar. “Are you sober enough to drive?”

  “What? Oh, yeah, I’m fine, just tired.” She looks around the living room and runs a hand through her hair to get it off of her face. “Shit, we destroyed your living room.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll clean it up.”

  “Okay, thanks.” She grabs her small purse off of the floor by the side table and slings it over her shoulder. She perks up on her toes, and as she wraps her arms around the back of Ashton’s neck, she gives her a kiss on the lips, causing Erin’s frustration to grow, which goes unnoticed by Ashton and Skylar. “I’ll text you later. Thanks for lunch. I had fun today.”

  “You’re welcome. Drive carefully.”

  “I will.” She walks out of the room, and as she’s grabbing the doorknob, she waves back, saying, “Have a good night.”

  Gloria and Ashton return the sentiment, but Erin’s brain doesn’t register the need for niceties. After the door closes, Ashton scratches the back of her head and stretches with a yawn.

  “I’m going to grab some bags to clean this up.”

  As soon as she returns and starts collecting beer bottles, Erin snaps, “What the hell happened today?”

  Ashton looks at her confused as she loudly drops two bottles into the bag and grabs two more. “What do you mean?”

  “Why were you sleeping together? What were you doing all afternoon? Why is she even here again?”

  “That’s my fault.” Erin snaps her head around to look at Gloria. “I had scheduled a last-minute apartment tour for Skylar and had her come here to pick up Ashton, but I ended up having to cancel.”

  “So, what did you do all afternoon?”

  “What the hell do you think we did all day?” The frustration in Ashton’s voice only increases Erin’s distrust. “We ordered food and drank beer while we watched movies and talked. We just hung out. I started to fall asleep from having too much beer and carbs, so I laid down while we kept trying to talk. But eventually, we just nodded off. Next thing I know, Gloria is waking me up and now we’re here.”

  “Since when does she kiss you?”

  “What? It was just a harmless peck on the lips.”

  “Since when has she been kissing you?”

  “Today.”

  Gloria sits down in the armchair with her arms on the rests and crosses her legs at the knees. “That’s probably also my fault.”

  Erin spins on her, snapping, “What the hell do you have against me? Why are you trying to match up Ashton and Skylar?”

  With a scoffing laugh, Gloria holds up a finger, saying, “First of all, I’m not trying anything of the sort. Second of all, I have plenty against you, but I’m not doing a single thing to try to sabotage you. I promised Ashton I would let your relationship grow or crash and burn naturally. When I had to cancel today, I asked Skylar to tell Ash hello and I love her and to give her a kiss for me.”

  “Why would you tell her to do that?”

  She shrugs a shoulder as she starts looking at her shiny lavender painted nails. “I felt bad I couldn’t talk to Ashton and check in on her. I wanted her to be taken care of while I couldn’t be here.” Despite the tension, Gloria’s admission makes Ashton smile. “Anyway, this really isn’t a big deal. You really need to relax, honey.”

  Erin turns on Ashton, and demands, “Is this nothing? Should I be worried?”

  “No! God, Erin, I told you, I’m all in. I love you and I want to build a life with you. I didn’t do anything today that I don’t do with Gloria.”

  Erin scoffs as she starts pacing. “Like that’s a comparison I want you to make. I don’t need you having another woman in your life you share this weird, twisted type of friendship with. I don’t need more women to compete with for your love and affection.”

  “Weird, twisted type of friendship. Tell us what you really think of us, honey.” Erin glares at Gloria, but Gloria smiles back in
a superior way. “You do remember you are the one who broke up with Ashton three times, right? Ashton has been happy in her relationship with you, but you always find an excuse to dump her. Then you drag her right back into your arms, get her feeling like this is it – it’s really going to last this time, then when shit gets too real for you, you get paranoid and see thorns when you should be seeing roses.”

  Ashton sits down, allowing the bag of bottles to fall to the floor with the glass bottles loudly clanking together. Erin looks down at her with her beautiful green eyes pinched in sadness and uncertainty. Her jaw tenses, and she suddenly grabs her head in both hands and releases a growl of frustration.

  “God, I was so worried about you today. I raced here after closing the clinic thinking you were hurt. But when I walked in the door, I found you passed out on the couch with a beautiful young girl lying in your arms. You weren’t even supposed to see her today, so I thought you had lied to me. The circumstances were just… They were…”

  “Yeah, I get it – it looked bad. And I’m sorry I caused you to worry and then caused you to doubt my loyalty. I would never do anything to hurt you. I’m not just bullshitting you to make peace – there really is nothing to worry about. I would never cheat on you.”

  “Are you falling for her?”

  “Babe, seriously, I’m not going to…”

  “Stop. I want to know if you’re falling in love with her. Do you love her at all?”

  “I…” She rubs the back of her neck and exhales hard, causing Erin’s distress to visibly increase. “I really care about her. I might love her, but I don’t think about her romantically.”

  “Damn it, Ashton.” She turns her back to them with her arms raised and hands clasped behind her neck. Without facing her, she asks, “Does a part of you want to be with her?”

  “No.”

  “I don’t believe you.” Ashton stands up, ripping the bag off of the floor, and as she starts throwing more bottles into it, Erin turns to watch. “What are you doing?”

  “Cleaning up the mess I made of my living room since I can’t seem to clean up the mess I somehow made of my relationship.”

  “So, that’s it, you don’t have anything else to say?”

  Ashton throws a bottle into the bag, causing a few to break, and screams, “What else am I supposed to say? I already told you I love you and want to spend my life with you. I told you nothing happened and I don’t want anything to happen with her. I told you, I’m all in. But none of that means anything to you. What am I supposed to say? Please, tell me what you need me to say and do so you can believe me when I say I want this relationship to last.”

  “Do you love her?”

  “What if I do? I love a lot of people. It doesn’t mean I want to fuck them.”

  “It’s different when that person does want to fuck you.”

  Ashton scoffs as she starts stacking food containers. “I don’t think so. But even if she does, do you really believe I’m capable of cheating on you?”

  “No, but…” She exhales hard and with jealousy oozing in her tone, she blurts, “Why do you even need to be friends with her? Why do you care about her so much?”

  Ashton throws the bags down on the floor, causing bottles to break and scatter out onto the floor. “We almost died together!” Erin’s face immediately shows regret, but Ashton doesn’t end there. “You are a goddamn firefighter so you know how a bond can form between people when they go through hell and back together. God, Erin, that fire was not a fucking cake walk. It was not a simple task to get us out of there alive. We were trapped with a goddamn six-story apartment building burning to the ground – literally. That place was falling apart all around us. I couldn’t get anywhere near a wall or window to break us out. I barely got us out of one room before the entire ceiling and the furniture from the unit above fell on top of us. I had to go through the fucking floor to the basement. Then I had to bust through the ceiling at the other end to climb back up to the first floor, not even knowing how far the fire had spread. Going through something like that with a person changes you. Yes, I could have gone on living my life without getting to know her, but she reached out to me. And you know what, I’m really fucking happy she did and I’m not going to apologize for that. I haven’t done anything wrong.”

  Erin steps forward wiping tears out of her eyes and takes Ashton’s hands. She kisses both of them and clears her throat. “Ash, I’m sorry. The way you two have grown so close so quickly just scared me. I wasn’t even thinking about the fire being a factor in how you feel about each other. I’m so sorry I accused you of being disloyal.”

  “I just don’t understand why your mind always goes there. What about me makes you think I’m going to cheat or leave you for someone else? Why don’t you trust me?”

  As Erin looks down with her jaw trembling, Gloria glares at her with her jaw set tight. She wants to stand up and slap Erin across the face for putting Ashton through this tonight. Then she wants to slap her a few more times for always making Ashton feel like she’s not good enough to marry and have children with. But she keeps her jaw tight so she can’t speak and she grips the armrests of the chair to remain seated.

  “I do trust you.”

  “No, you don’t.” Ashton shrugs Erin’s hands off of her own, causing her to look up and meet her eyes with tears streaming her cheeks. “If you trusted me, we’d be having a very different conversation right now. So, tell me why. Why don’t you trust me? What am I doing wrong?”

  “I don’t know! I love you so fucking much and I want to build a life with you, but I’m constantly afraid I’m going to lose you, whether to a stupid fire or another woman.”

  “Why would you be afraid of losing me to another woman? Gloria is the only other woman in my life that I’m anywhere near as close to as I am with you.”

  “You’re closer to Gloria.”

  Ashton growls as she tilts her head back with her hands gripping her hair. “I cannot keep having this fight.” She drops her arms and takes a deep breath as she looks at Erin. “I can only be as close to you as you allow me to be. If you push me away with distrust, then no, we will never grow to be closer to each other than I am with Gloria. Babe, I’m completely at a loss of what more I can do. I’m giving you all of me. If it’s not enough then just tell me. I don’t want to hold you back from being happy.”

  With a sob and her jaw trembling, Erin pulls Ashton against her lips, giving her several firm nipping kisses. “You are perfect for me, Ash, and I am very happy with you, happier than I’ve been with anyone else. Maybe that’s why I get crazy and scared sometimes. I don’t know what to do.”

  “What do you mean you don’t know what to do? Are you thinking about ending this again?”

  “I don’t know.” Ashton’s throat constricts painfully and she pushes Erin off of her as she shakes her head and starts walking out of the room. “Ash, wait, I just…”

  “It’s fine. I get it. I’ll never be enough for you, Erin. I’m sorry I failed to meet your expectations again.”

  Erin sprints after her and wraps her arms around her. She struggles to get her to turn and shoves her back against the wall, causing Ashton to wince and yelp in pain from the impact with her busted shoulder and ribs.

  “I don’t want to lose you. I want the whole package and I want it with you.”

  “You just said you don’t know if you want to stay with me. Why are you trying to force this relationship? Is it just because we’re good in bed together?”

  “No!” She sobs and kisses Ashton’s lips. “I’m in love with you. I’m crazy about you. I’m afraid I’m going to lose you – that’s why I said I don’t know. But I don’t want to be controlled by my fear. I want to be with you, Ash.” She takes a deep chest shaking breath with her bottom lip trembling. “I don’t want to be a coward. I know that if I allow myself to fall as deeply in love with you and us as I know I could, it will completely break me if I lose you. I’m afraid of being that vulnerable.”

&
nbsp; Ashton exhales hard as she bends down and kisses Erin’s forehead for a few moments. “I want you to think about how you feel about me and our relationship right now. As you love me right now, could you stay with me if I found out tomorrow that I have a terminal illness and I’m only given three to six months to live, maybe a year at most. Would you…?”

  “Ash, stop, I can’t think about something like that. Please, never pose scenarios like that. It’s too hard to…”

  “Would you stay with me, knowing it’s a guarantee you’ll only have a year at most with me?”

  “I’m not answering that. This is ridiculous. You better not be sick, Ashton. I am not…”

  With her voice hushed and quivering, Ashton cuts her off again. “Answer the question.”

  “You’re asking if I will build a future with you when there is no future to be had. How am I supposed to do that?”

  Painful prickles skitter down her body out to her fingers and toes as her chest heaves with a shallow sob of grief. She shakes her head as she gently pushes Erin back. She clears her throat and rubs her trembling jaw, trying to get it to stop.

  “I was asking if you would love me enough to be by my side through the worst year of my life and help me to die as happily as I could. I was asking if you would give me one final year of the future that we promised each other. You just answered your question – the risk of loving me is more than you’re willing to make. I could die tomorrow or next week or a month from now. I may not have a signed diagnosis, but with my line of work, my expiration date changes daily.”

  “Ash, I…” Erin trails off as she starts crying hard.

  “It’s fine. I understand. You’re not the first, nor will you be the last woman to tell me she loves me but can’t see a future with me. Look, Erin, I love you. I’ll always love you and you’ll always be able to count on me for anything. But it’s clear that I’m not what you want – as much as you wish I was, I’m not.”

  “But I love you and I’m happy with you.”

  “Yet, it’s not enough for you, is it?”