“I’ll be right there,” Parker said.
“Just go,” she told him. “Enjoy your safari.”
“Wait, baby, don’t hang up angry. I’m sorry.”
Victoria let out a loud sigh. She could hear the regret in Parker’s voice. She was mad, but she didn’t want to waste precious talk-time arguing.
“Forgive me?” he asked. “Baby, I do love you, and I’m sorry.”
“I love you too.”
As she lay in bed that night, Victoria felt like a hypocrite. She’d blasted Parker for keeping secrets that might hurt their relationship, knowing all the while that it was she who was keeping the biggest secret of all.
If I Wanted Jokes. . .
Victoria only had two days before Celeste Masters’s sweet sixteen party, and she couldn’t wait for it to be over. The stress of dealing with what seemed like a hundred calls a day from a nervous Eva Masters, her day-to-day workload at ViaTech, and battling her mixed emotions about Parker and Ted were all taking their toll. She was glad that she and Tyler were having dinner tonight because once again, she needed to consult with her touchstone. Juliet was working late, so she’d have Tyler all to herself.
“So, whatcha know good?” Tyler asked as the server sat his lime margarita and Victoria’s Pellegrino on the table.
“I’m stressed like hell.”
“I can see why. You’re dating the ebony surgeon of the year, but you’re falling in love with the white shadow,” he laughed.
“It’s not funny. If I wanted jokes I would’ve stayed home and watched the damn comedy channel.”
Tyler held up his hands. “Calm down, I was just tryin’ to make you laugh, to lighten the mood,” he apologized. “Okay, no more jokes. I’m here to listen.”
“I just don’t know what to do. Parker’s everything I’ve dreamed of in a man. But then there’s Ted. And he’s so sweet and caring, but he’s . . . ”
“White,” Tyler finished her thoughts.
“Yeah,” Victoria said slowly.
“You want me to shoot it to you straight?”
“No, I want you to blow sunshine up my ass! Of course I want you to give it to me straight,” Victoria snapped in frustration. She took a deep breath to even out her tone. “Tyler, I’m sorry. I’m just at the end of my rope. I’m exhausted and confused. I miss Parker and I want to be true to him, but my feelings for Ted are growing so strong.”
Tyler could see the struggle on Victoria’s face. “First, I’ll set the record straight by saying that although I have issues with him, I don’t doubt that Parker loves you. He’s smart, and professionally speaking, his shit’s on point. The brothah’s tight, I’ll give him that. But I don’t think he’s right for you.”
“Why not?”
“’Cause it’s all about him. He’s the kind of man who needs a woman who’ll be submissive, which by the way, you ain’t,” Tyler said in between bites of his steak fajita. “In return, he’ll provide stability and a good life because he’s a responsible brothah.
“Then there’s Prince Charming. He’s a good guy and has serious bank. He’s the type who’s used to being in control and runnin’ things, but there’s a side of him that’s willing to compromise. I see that in the work he’s doing with Jermaine at YFI.”
Victoria stopped eating. “I’ve got to make a decision. A part of me wants to be with Ted, but at the same time I can’t cheat on Parker, I love him.”
Tyler shook his head. “Let’s be honest, the main reason you’re not with Ted right now isn’t as much about your love for Parker as it is about the fact that Ted is white, and you know it. You even put it out there that the man was gay instead of admitting that he was feelin’ you.” Tyler leaned in close, giving Victoria a stern look. “You were straight up wrong for that. Don’t you know you can ruin a man’s reputation by sayin’ some shit like that? You’re my girl, but that was fucked up.”
“Tyler, you’re supposed to be helping,” Victoria said, embarrassed by the truth. “But you know how difficult it is for interracial couples.”
“I’m not sayin’ it’s cut-and-dry.”
“You’re wrong about one thing. I do love Parker.”
“You love that you and Parker make the perfect buppie couple, you love that he loves you, and you love that the brothah’s sexin’ you the way you like it.”
Victoria raised her brows.
“Juliet told me about your shopping trip to get a lil’ sumthin’ sumthin’ to hold you over till ole’ boy gets back,” Tyler teased, making them both laugh.
Victoria stabbed her fork at her partially eaten pollo asada. “When I see a brother with a white woman, the first thing I think is that he’s a sell out, or that he suffers from low self-esteem. I know that’s not always the case, but that’s how I feel. Then I think, damn, what about preserving the black family . . . you know?”
“Why are you worried about what people will think?”
“You like Ted, don’t you?” she asked, avoiding his question. “I take it your vote is for him?”
“I didn’t say that. I’m not voting for either one of them. I’m in your corner.”
“After all that, that’s the best you can come up with? You’re almost as bad as my mother.”
“Then I’m in good company,” Tyler smiled. “But on the real, even though I’m not convinced that Parker is right for you, I’m not sure that Ted is either. I’m just sayin’ you have to do what makes you feel good, and don’t worry about what other people might say. Roll the dice and see how they land.”
Full Disclosure...
Ted was frustrated because Trudy was putting up a small fight to keep the house. Even though she didn’t get half of what she’d wanted in the divorce settlement, she’d gotten more than he thought she was entitled to. She was determined to “stick it” to him one last time, going back and forth over who would retain ownership of their house in LA. Finally, Ted decided to let her have it because it was a small price to pay for his freedom.
Today was his forty-sixth birthday, his divorce had become final three days ago, and as he turned down the street headed to Victoria’s house, he couldn’t wait to celebrate both occasions with her by his side. He was excited because he knew the fact that she’d invited him to her home for the evening had to mean something.
Victoria busied herself with last minute details: lighting the candles she’d sprinkled around the room, cueing up the CDs in the stereo, and putting the champagne on ice. She hoped Ted would like what she’d planned for his birthday. During one of their dinner conversations, she’d learned that he had never been on a picnic. She couldn’t believe he’d never experienced the joy of eating out of a wicker basket while sitting under the open sky, surrounded by nature. “That isn’t natural. How did you get through childhood without picnics?” she’d asked.
It was too cold to have a picnic under the stars, so she decided to bring the outdoor experience inside. She’d pulled off a successful beach party last weekend in forty-degree weather, so she knew she could manage a picnic in the comfort of forced heat.
This is as close to natural vegetation as he’s gonna get, Victoria thought to herself as she sat the vase of fresh cut flowers on the blanket she’d laid on the floor. With the exception of his jogs in the park, Ted wasn’t an outdoorsy kind of guy. She smoothed out the ripples in the blanket and tossed down two large pillows for seating. She sat a picnic basket in the middle, next to the bottle of wine and small tray of fresh fruit and imported cheeses. She rearranged the two Villory & Boch place settings, Waterford crystal wine glasses, and antique silver flatware, giving an elegant touch to the picnic scene she’d created. After she finished, she set the small, neatly decorated cake she’d baked on the coffee table.
Victoria looked around the dimly lit room and smiled. The three ficus trees she’d moved into the room lent an outdoor feel, and the star-shaped floor lights she’d placed in each corner cast the spectacular illusion of a star-filled night sky on the ceiling above.
> The doorbell rang and her heart jumped. Okay, just roll the dice and see where they land, she reminded herself. “Happy birthday,” she greeted Ted at the door. He was wearing his signature dark denim, and even though the temperature was in the low-forties, he wore no coat, only a wool sweater.
She led him back to the den and down to the picnic blanket on the floor. He took off his shoes and counted his blessings, finding a comfortable position as they both settled against the pillows, enjoying the soft jazz serenading them in the background.
Ted held up his glass and made a toast. “V, you’ve made this the best birthday I’ve ever had. To a wonderful evening ahead.”
They sipped wine and ate fruit and cheese from the same plate, giving each other subtle but lingering stares. Victoria moved the tray to the side and opened the picnic basket. “What do we have here?” Ted asked. “Smells delicious.”
“Good old-fashioned southern fried chicken, baked beans, and potato salad. Picnic staples on fine china,” Victoria winked.
“Sounds good, and I’m starving.”
She prepared Ted’s plate and then her own. He lowered his head while she said grace, a habit he’d come to enjoy. After they finished their meal, Victoria lit a small candle she’d placed in the middle of his birthday cake.
“Boy, you know you’re old when there’s not enough room on the cake for the number of candles that mark your age,” Ted joked.
“It’s a small cake. Besides, forty-six isn’t old.”
“No, but it’s not thirty-three.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
“I’m glad you said that.” He smiled.
Ted made a wish, which he now felt had a strong possibility of coming true, then blew out the candles. They ate birthday cake and toasted with champagne. He smiled when he heard the twinkling of ivory keys being romanced by the rhythm of a seductive saxophone. “In a Sentimental Mood” was his favorite song, and hers too. “They’re playing our song,” he said, holding out his hand.
He led as they danced. Gently, he drew Victoria into his arms, letting his hand rest on the small of her back. She wrapped her arms around his neck and nestled her head on his chest as he pulled her in even closer. His pelvis rubbed lightly against hers as he closed his eyes, nudging his growing erection into her. Not only did she not stop him, she enjoyed it, pressing her body farther into his. His hands slid down to the roundness of her behind and rested there. He lowered his head, bringing his mouth toward hers.
In a flash, Victoria’s mind turned to Parker. She tried to push him out, but she couldn’t. Slowly, she pulled away.
“V, what’s wrong?”
She withdrew from his embrace, realizing this had been a bad idea. “I think you better go,” she said in a weak voice, trying not to look at him.
“Why?”
“Because this isn’t right,” she answered more firmly this time. “I’ll walk you out.” She turned and started to walk away, but Ted reached for her hand and held on.
“V, don’t do this. Please don’t do this.”
Victoria couldn’t look at him. She couldn’t look into his eyes for fear that hers would betray the hard stance she’d just taken.
“Don’t pretend as if nothing just happened, or that nothing’s been happening between us since the first day we met,” Ted urged, finally coming forth with the truth.
“I’m in a relationship, you know that. I can’t do this.”
Fuck Parker, Ted wanted to shout. But instead, he continued to hold on to her hand. “Why? Because he’s the safe bet and I’m not?”
Victoria finally raised her eyes to meet his. She knew she had to hold his stare. It was hard, but she did it. He searched her eyes, but she gave him nothing. This was it. The moment for full disclosure had come. Ted’s heart was beating fast. “I love you,” he said.
His words rang so loudly in Victoria’s ears, she could no longer hear the music playing in the background. Ted put his hand around her waist and drew her back into his arms. “I love everything about you. I’ve been waiting, just wanting to be with you. V, I need you in my life.”
Ted’s voice was intense and low, and his breath smelled of buttercream frosting and champagne—a tantalizing effect on Victoria’s senses. Her eyes focused on the ruddy pinkness of his lips and she wondered if they felt as soft as they looked. This time she had to look away. “Parker and I are in love, and you and I . . . we can only be friends. That’s the way it has to be.”
“No it doesn’t.”
“Ted, please just accept it.”
“You can’t even look at me,” he said, searching her face. “V, look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t feel something for me?” Then he spoke slowly, letting the full impact of his words settle over both of them. “Tell me you don’t love me,” he demanded.
Victoria couldn’t continue to deny the truth. She loved the man standing before her. He’d seeped his way into her heart like a slow and steady pinhole leak. But something held her back.
“Answer me, V,” Ted demanded.
“But, Parker and I . . .”
“Dammit, V,” he hissed in frustration. “Let’s just be honest here. Do you have a problem with the color of my skin?”
Victoria pulled away from him and this time he let her hand go. “You don’t have a clue,” she glared at him. “No, I don’t have a problem with your color. After all the shit I’ve been through with skin color, that’s the least of my worries. I have a problem with your race. There’s a difference!”
Ted shook his head in disbelief. “We’re the same race, the human race!” he yelled.
Victoria let out a cynical laugh. “What a trip.”
“You think it’s funny?” he asked, starting to grow angry.
“No, I don’t think it’s funny. It’s just idealistic and almost ridiculous. Is that some bullshit you heard on TV, or read in a magazine, because it’s not reality and you know it. The reality is this . . . you’re a white man, I’m a black woman, and in our society the two still don’t mix.”
“I can’t believe you would let race be an issue between us.”
“Race matters. Isn’t that why you had Patricia fired?”
Ted looked away.
Victoria put her hands on her hips. “What? You didn’t think I would find out? ViaTech is a rumor haven and eventually all things come out in the wash. She called me a nigger and you fired her for it.”
Ted shook his head, trying to explain, but Victoria cut him off.
“Well, I’ve got news for you. Being black is a twenty-four-seven, three- hundred-sixty-five-days-a-year gig, with no time off. When I’m discriminated against or mistreated because of how I look, I can’t just make someone go away and pretend that it solves the problem. I have to deal with it.”
Ted sucked in his breath, then exhaled deeply. “Patricia didn’t call you,” he hesitated, “the N word; that’s just a nasty rumor. But yes, she did make a racially insensitive remark that angered me.”
Victoria rolled her eyes, but Ted continued.
“And to answer your question, no, I didn’t fire her because of her comment. I fired her because she was a terrible employee. She served her purpose in New York and once her work was complete, the company no longer had use for her services,” he said, mouthing almost the same official sounding response Denise had been given when she inquired about the situation months ago.
“I believe you would’ve eventually had Patricia fired, but the bottom line is that race made you mad enough to do it much sooner. Race dominates everything. People think race before they think color, gender, or anything else.”
“Since when do you give a damn about what anyone thinks?” Ted asked, incredulous. “You’re one of the most independent, strong-willed people I know. Why are you letting this stand in the way of us being together?”
Victoria stepped back even further away from him. “You really don’t know me, do you? I’ll give it to Patricia. She was right. I’m a fake. I pretend that I do
n’t care, but I do.” She paused. “I didn’t make the rules. Besides, I have a man who loves me. A black man who loves me!”
Ted walked up to her and stood within an inch of her face. “This is bullshit and you know it! Tell me you don’t love me. Look me in the eye and say it,” he demanded.
Victoria could feel the heat bouncing off his body. She began to tremble with anticipation and fear. The cheerful birthday surprise she’d planned had turned into a tidal wave of an evening. She felt all the energy drain from her body.
When Ted looked into her eyes, he saw her turmoil, but he pushed on because it was now or never. “Say it, dammit!” he demanded. “Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll walk away. I’ll leave you alone and never bother you again.”
“I . . . I need time,” was all Victoria could manage to squeak out. She was trembling from head to toe.
Ted pulled her into his arms and held her against his chest. “Shh,” he whispered, stroking her hair. “I’m sorry, V. I’m not going anywhere. I won’t pressure you. I’ll give you time.”
Chapter Nineteen
How Clever...
The last three months of Victoria’s life had passed by quickly. March had sped into June without much fanfare, but she knew the next two weeks would bring significant changes. Parker was coming home in two days, she’d be at the SuperNet convention the following week, and finally, her resignation from ViaTech would be official.
Although Victoria had mixed emotions about the future of their relationship, she was looking forward to Parker’s return. It had been six months since she’d seen him, and she missed him. His emails had crept in like time standing still, and when he did have time to pen a letter, it took weeks for it to reach her. But he tried to call once a week, even if they only talked for a few minutes.
On this side of the world, Ted had been true to his word. He hadn’t pressured her since the night of his birthday. They still saw each other whenever they could, went for long jogs in the park, and shared frequent lunches and dinners. All the while he was respectful, careful to uphold their unspoken rule of not hugging for too long, sitting too close, or initiating anything that might resemble romantic intimacy. Victoria was both grateful and disappointed by his actions.
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