There was a summer when Jake taught me to befriend the female snake who made her home at the houseboat: how to hold her and not be afraid. This went on for days, my learning to pick her up. One morning I found her skin on the houseboat deck. I took it home to Toronto: a little totem for my writing desk. Today, remnants of it sit there still; a perfect emblem for the shedding I have done in recent years. It sits beside a rock Jake gave me in the shape of a heart, and another little one my agent gave me when I started this book, engraved with the word hope. Hope is what we gain when we give up drinking. Possibility.
Am I a “grateful alcoholic,” as they say in the rooms? Most days, I am. For several years now, I have begun each morning with a gratitude list, one that lists my challenges as well as my blessings—especially my broken heart, which reminds me how much I loved and was loved. There is some strange alchemy associated with gratitude. Somewhere along the way of doing these lists, I fell in love with my life again.
Most of all, I have learned that the addict’s lie is just that: an untruth. It goes like this: “I will always feel this way—therefore, I might as well drink.” And as long as you keep drinking, that lie keeps you stuck. The world does not improve: it’s a self-fulfilling promise. Stop drinking, and there’s no telling what will happen. Stop drinking, and you can begin the process of loving yourself back into being.
The Jungian Fraser Boa once said, “You are standing on the shaky sands of doubt. Stand on the firm ground of not knowing.” That’s where I am today: standing on the firm ground of not knowing how the rest of my life will evolve. I may have lost the biggest love of my life, but I have regained my first love: writing. I have found my voice again. All things are possible. And without alcohol in my life, there are so many more chapters to come.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This book was first conceived several years ago on a hot August day, when Jake MacDonald hammered together several fine pieces of weathered board and created a desk for me, one which I situated on an outdoor deck above a mass of pink granite, on the edge of the Winnipeg River. Beside me, rosy cosmos nodded in the sun, tipping their heads toward the shoreline where pink rock meets dark green water. It was there that I began wrestling with this book: I was fresh out of rehab and hungry to find a narrative in my drinking experience. It was there that Jake told me to “drag all of the material out of the lake, onto the shore.”
And drag I did, all the rich animal and mineral matter from my drinking days, what came before and after. Those first essential notes emerged in Minaki, as so much of my writing always did. Those few pages formed the nucleus of this book. But it really took shape by the edge of Jack Lake, at another retreat in the Canadian Shield, this one owned by my generous friend and former husband, Will Johnston. I spent many months in his cabin, alone with my dog, enjoying the silence in which to hear my own voice. I am deeply grateful for this gift of solitude, the company of white pines and a green canoe.
What began by the water was well nurtured, first by the extraordinary generosity of the Atkinson Foundation. In 2011, my Atkinson Fellowship in Public Policy culminated in a fourteen-part series on women and alcohol in the Toronto Star. I am deeply indebted to that newspaper, the Honderich family, the Atkinson Foundation, and my editor, the talented Alison Uncles.
Still, this book would not exist without the enormous persistence, faith, and instinct of two extraordinary women: the sublime Hilary McMahon, my beloved agent, of Westwood Creative Artists; and the remarkable Karen Rinaldi, my wise and masterful lead editor in New York.
For months Hilary pestered me to proceed with my proposal. My inbox is full of messages entitled “Nagging” and “Checking in.” And check in she did, over and over, until I found the guts to go forward. Simply put: without Hilary, there would be no book.
Karen Rinaldi believed in this book from the very beginning and has been a constant champion throughout, helping to shape what is before you today. She led the fight for this project, along with two other gifted women, both of whom contributed enormously: Iris Tupholme in Toronto and Clare Reihill in London. Those in the office of HarperCollins in Sydney rounded out the team. Indeed, HarperCollins wrapped its arms around me and welcomed me from posts around the world, giving me a great sense of purpose and belonging. I am hugely indebted to my publisher for its generosity and support.
This book is grounded in a depth of knowledge that would have been impossible without my Atkinson experience. For a superb education, I am enormously grateful to the following: Jürgen Rehm and Norman Geisbrecht of the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health; Tim Stockwell of the Centre for Addictions Research of British Columbia; Michel Perron and Gerald Thomas of the Canadian Centre on Substance Abuse; Robin Room of Australia’s Centre for Alcohol Policy Research, Turning Point Alcohol and Drug Centre; David Jernigan of the Center on Alcohol Marketing and Youth; Sharon Wilsnack of GENACIS; Denise De Pape of the B.C. Ministry of Health; Nancy Poole of the B.C. Centre of Excellence for Women’s Health; and Nancy Bradley of the Jean Tweed Centre.
For sharing their own stories, I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the many brave women in this book. A rare handful joined me on the journey, going fully public. To these women, I owe my undying admiration: Beata Klimek, Annie Akavak, Janet Christie, Marion Kane, Vera Tarman, and, above all, my own mother, Maxie Dowsett. I can only hope that their courage will meet with the deepest respect.
I wrote this book with the support of many friends, not the least of whom are Gillian MacKay Graham and Ron Graham. Both shared their home and their meditation “hut” on many occasions, celebrated my successes with enthusiasm, and read the book in draft form. For all this and more, I am deeply grateful.
Judith Timson was my constant companion throughout, feeding me stories, love, and daily support. I treasure her beyond measure, as I do Marci McDonald, Jane Stewart, Barbara Kofman, Tecca Crosby, Heather Arnold, and Nancy Hamm. Gail Heney, Kathleen and Caitlin Glynn-Morris, Elena Soni, Sarah Milroy, Pearse Murray, Linda Loving, and Caitlin MacDonald all played a pivotal role in my sobriety story. For their support, I am truly grateful. My book club sustained me with love throughout, as did my recovery group. To these friends, and many more, my never-ending thanks.
For his profound love and nurturing, I am deeply grateful to Jake MacDonald. For fourteen years, we were joined at the hip, hand, and heart. He taught me how to cast my rod and fish in the deep waters. His impact on me is indelible.
For their sturdy faith in me, I want to thank the late Carol Shields who, along with Marjorie Anderson, included my personal writing in Dropped Threads 2: More of What We Aren’t Told; and my many gifted editors and colleagues at Maclean’s, my professional home of more than twenty-five years.
Finally, I want to thank my bighearted family for their unflagging support and love. To my sister, Cate, for her constancy, keen eye, and care; and to my brother, John, for his wicked humor and spirit. Both read the book as it unfolded, and I am deeply grateful for their insight and perspective. Together, we are united by so much more than blood.
To my precious father, who was not here to witness the healing that evolved, I am grateful for his love, especially of our mother. To my darling mother, who has won my profound devotion and respect: for consenting to let me tell her story, from the very beginning. For that history, I am deeply grateful; for her bravery, I remain nonplussed. She is one of my closest companions, loyal and true.
To Will, who offered shelter and companionship at key junctures. If all failed marriages ended in such deep friendship, the world would be a better place.
And finally, I want to express my everlasting thanks to my son, Nicholas, who cheered me through the toughest spots and brought his wisdom to bear on this book. As a creative thinker, he inspires me. As a son, he delights me. His sense of adventure, his ample heart, and his deep love make my life a profound pleasure.
With all of this, and so much more, I am deeply blessed.
NOTES
The pagination of this electronic edit
ion does not match the edition from which it was made. To locate a specific passage, please use the search feature on your e-book reader.
ix “Our excesses are the best clue”: Adam Phillips, “The Insatiable Creatures,” Guardian, August 8, 2009.
xi Charles Bukowski, “The Laughing Heart,” Betting on the Muse (HarperCollins, 1996).
PROLOGUE
1 Hang out in the brightly lit rooms of AA: This essay first appeared in the Toronto Star in November 2011. It is reprinted with the generous permission of both the newspaper and the Atkinson Foundation.
CHAPTER 1: THE MONKEY DIARY
7 “To be rooted”: Simone Weil, The Need for Roots (Routledge Classics, 1952).
8 Donated to McGill University: “Seagram Building Reborn as Martlet House,” McGill Reporter, March 24, 2004; http://www.lonelyplanet.com/canada/montreal/sights/architectural-cultural/seagram-house.
8 in charge of development, alumni, and university relations: “Telling McGill’s Story,” McGill Reporter, April 13, 2006.
20 “I said to my soul, be still”: T. S. Eliot, Four Quartets (Harcourt, 1943).
CHAPTER 2: OUT OF AFRICA
23 “One always learns one’s mystery”: Robertson Davies, Fifth Business (Macmillan of Canada, 1970).
24 Year after sunburned year: Much of this cottage memoir first appeared in Maclean’s magazine, August 20, 2001. Reprinted by permission from Maclean’s magazine, Rogers Publishing Limited.
26 Hey Mabel, Black Label: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnhQxUKqrMY.
36 alcoholism the black lung disease of writers: Tom McGuane’s quote appeared in Jim Harrison’s Off to the Side: A Memoir (Atlantic Monthly Press, 2002).
CHAPTER 3: YOU’VE COME THE WRONG WAY, BABY
39 Alcohol abuse is rising in much of the developed world: Interviews with Jürgen Rehm, May 2010 and May 2011.
40 the top 20 percent of the heaviest drinkers consume roughly three-quarters of all alcohol sold: Interviews with Gerald Thomas, May 2010 and May 2013.
40 According to a recent CDC: Interview with Robert Brewer, February 2013; CDC Vital Signs, January 2013.
41 In Britain, Prime Minister David Cameron: BBC, February 15, 2012.
41 Dame Sally Davies: Telegraph, November 21, 2012.
41 British girls were cited as the biggest teenage drinkers: Guardian, April 22, 2011.
41 “In the thirty years I have been a liver specialist”: Interview with Sir Ian Gilmore, February 2013.
42 multibillion-dollar international industry: Interview with Robin Room, December 2010.
42 German researchers found: Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research 37, issue 1, (January 2013): 156–63.
42 On average, both men and women died roughly twenty years earlier: Interview with Jürgen Rehm, February 2013.
42 “It is just like Virginia Slims”: Interview with David Jernigan, February 2013.
44 “Women’s economic empowerment”: Economist, December 30, 2009.
44 Sheryl Sandberg: Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead (Alfred A. Knopf, 2013).
44 Anne-Marie Slaughter: “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All,” Atlantic Monthly, July/August 2012.
45 Meanwhile, in the United States, two-thirds of married male senior managers have children: http://www.ted.com/talks/sheryl_sandberg_why_we_have_too_few_women_leaders.html.
45 “Sexism is invisible, but it’s real”: Interview with Daisy Kling, May 2013.
46 “Leadership Ambition Gap”: Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead (Alfred A. Knopf, 2013).
46 review of Lean In: New York Times, “Yes, You Can,” March 7, 2013.
46 “Having it all, at least for me”: Anne-Marie Slaughter, “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All,” Atlantic Monthly, July/August 2012.
49 women are less happy today than their predecessors: http://isites.harvard.edu/fs/docs/icb.topic457678.files//WomensHappiness.pdf.
49 the workweek of the typical middle-income American family increased: Joan C. Williams and Heather Boushey, “The Three Faces of Work-Family Conflict,” Center for American Progress, January 25, 2010.
49 According to a 2011 study by the Center for Work and Family at Boston College: Referenced in “Why Gender Equality Stalled” by Stephanie Coontz, New York Times, February 16, 2013.
50 “global epidemic”: Interview with Sharon Wilsnack, November 2010.
50 In 2011, Katherine Keyes: Interviews with Katherine Keyes, November 2011 and June 2012.
51 “Young professional women drink a lot more than women in manual and routine jobs”: Interview with Katherine Brown, February 2013.
52 The largest health benefit comes from one drink every two days: Interview with Tim Stockwell, December 2011.
52 challenged the broadly accepted assumption that a daily glass of red wine: Addiction, http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1360-0443.2012.03780.x/abstract.
52 “While a cardioprotective association between alcohol use and ischemic heart disease exists”: Interview with Jürgen Rehm, February 2013.
52 “But hormonally, metabolically, men and women are different”: Interview with Joseph Lee, May 2011.
52 Women’s vulnerabilities start with the simple fact that, on average, they have more body fat: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/alerts/l/blnaa35.htm.
53 GENACIS: http://www.genacis.org/.
53 the strongest predictor of late-onset drinking is childhood sexual abuse: Interview with Sharon Wilsnack, November 2010.
53 consume four drinks and you will leave yourself vulnerable to compromising your spatial working memory: Interview with Lindsay Squeglia, November 2011.
54 “Are the girls trying to keep up with the boys?”: Interview with Edith Sullivan, November 2011.
54 “It is the issue affecting girls’ health”: Interview with Nancy Poole, February 2013.
55 “Alcohol is not a women’s issue”: Interview with Gloria Steinem, June 2013.
CHAPTER 4: THE FUTURE IS PINK
57 Ingredients in Bitch Fuel: http://www.rulloffs.com/pages/m_drink.html.
58 My favorite drinking memoir: Caroline Knapp, Drinking: A Love Story (Dial, 1996).
59 “To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink for a long time”: Alcoholics Anonymous (Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., 2001).
61 “More women are drinking, and the women who drink are drinking more”: “Gender Bender,” New Yor, December 7, 2008.
61 Then, in July 2009, Diane Schuler made headlines: http://www.thefix.com/content/“drinking-mom”-syndrome?page=all; http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/driver-deadly-taconic-crash-diane-schuler-drunk-marijuana-system-article-1.394195; http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/28/nyregion/28crash.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0.
61 “A Heroine of Cocktail Moms Sobers Up”: New York Times, August 14, 2009; http://www.mommytracked.com/stefanie_wilder_taylor_becoming_sober.
62 “Alcohol is glamorized in our society”: Interview with Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, January 2011.
63 three different promotional inserts: LCBO promotional supplements, 2011.
64 Clos LaChance, makers of a wine called MommyJuice: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/24/weekinreview/24grist.html?adxnnl=1&adxnnlx=1368907459-wbPUnQgTT9bRwscN9dManw.
64 Why MommyJuice?: Interview with Cheryl Murphy Durzy, May 2011.
64 In Canada, the makers of Girls’ Night Out wines: Interview with Doug Beatty, 2011.
65 Skinnygirl Cocktail line products: http://www.nbcnews.com/business/skinny-girl-cocktails-are-fastest-growing-liquor-brand-report-says-746584.
65 musician Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas: http://www.businessinsider.com/hanging-out-poolside-with-fergie-at-her-new-vodka-launch-2012-3?op=1.
66 German liquor company G-Spirits: Toronto Star, October 5, 2012.
66 Belvedere Vodka: http://atomictango.com/2008/04/29/belvedere/.
66 Jernigan has spent his career watching the industry: Interview with David Jernigan, April 2011.
67 the
Smirnoff brand: James F. Mosher, “Joe Camel in a Bottle,” American Journal of Public Health, http://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/abs/10.2105/AJPH.2011.300387.
68 “Smirnoff is the girls’ vodka”: Interview with Kate Simmie, November 2010.
68 “We cannot discount Carrie Bradshaw”: Interview with David Jernigan, April 2011.
69 special taxes on alcopops: https://www.mja.com.au/journal/2011/195/2/alcopops-tax-working-probably-yes-there-bigger-picture; interview with David Jernigan, April 2011.
69 the Australian Medical Association censured Facebook: “Social Media Condemned for Alcohol Marketing,” Sydney Morning Herald, September 20, 2012.
69 More than three-quarters of twelve-to seventeen-year-olds in the United States own cell phones: http://news.kron4.com/news/more-than-three-quarter-of-american-teens-have-cell-phones/.
70 Tea Partay . . . has had more than six million YouTube viewers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTU2He2BIc0.
70 There’s a strong public health interest in delaying the onset of drinking: Interview with David Jernigan, February 2013.
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