“Sorry,” she said, returning to the conversation at hand. She took another breath, not sure how to explain what many didn’t understand. “The No Brides Club. It’s a group I joined three years ago.”
Zander raised an eyebrow, and Rachel smiled.
“I know, it sounds odd. But we’re just a group of friends who meets every Thursday. We started with the agreement we’re not looking for marriage or serious love. We’re focused on our careers, that’s all. They’re my best friends, and I love them all. I just, well, this would be a lot to try to explain if they saw me.”
Zander stared at her, and she knew he had a lot of questions.
“Look, when I joined the group, I was adamant I wouldn’t let a man get in the way of my career again. I told you all about what Seth did. The other ladies are all focused on their careers, too. It just made so much sense at the time.”
“Does it now?” Zander asked, studying her.
She stared back at the man who had, in fact, made everything she’d promised three years ago seem silly and nonsensical in a way. “I don’t know,” she whispered, biting her lip. “I do know I really like being with you. And kissing you. And, I don’t know, I think maybe the woman I was three years ago had no clue that such an amazing man was going to walk into her life. I’m sorry for acting so weird when Kate came in.”
He reached across the table, grabbing for her hand. “No apologies needed. I get it. I do. We’ve both been through a lot, and I understand you need to protect your career. But I really like being with you, too, Rachel. And kissing you—that’s an understatement, in fact. I love kissing you. I know this whole thing with us was fast and unexpected and threw us both for a loop. But I also think sometimes in life, the best things are the ones we didn’t see coming. I’m crazy about you. And club or no club, I think you’re crazy about me, too.”
“I am,” she admitted, leaning across the booth to kiss Zander. They lingered in the kiss for a long, sweet moment.
“So, will you ever tell your friends about me?” he asked, grinning after they’d pulled away.
She ran a hand through her hair. “I feel bad keeping it from them. So yes, eventually. I just, I don’t know. I’m kind of okay with keeping you all to myself for now.”
“I like the sound of that, too,” he said, returning his attention to the menu but still studying her every now and then.
Rachel looked back at her menu as well, knowing eventually she would have to tell the club—and not sure how they’d all react.
But that was a problem for another day. For now, she would just bask in the joy she was feeling, in the peace she felt at knowing she’d found a good man.
Chapter 17
Rachel
Rachel waited at the side of the stage, her “big” moment coming up.
In truth, it was only six lines, the only lines she had in the play. Still, every performance, she took those lines seriously. She delivered them with poise and confidence and told herself you never knew who would be in the audience. You never knew who was watching your performance, so you had to make each one count.
Some of the other cast members didn’t share in her sentiment. A lot of the younger cast members saw this tiny role as a stepping stone to greater things, expected it to be that. They wandered into the play at the last second, sometimes a little bit tipsy, not worried about a single line or a role in the chorus. Rachel didn’t have that luxury. She was starting later in the game and knew she was lucky to have the role at all. She had to make every moment count, every opportunity count.
She would keep showing up and doing her best so that when a chance to move up came up, she’d be ready. She wouldn’t stop chasing those dreams, no matter what.
She sauntered onto the stage as she had done for so many shows a week for the past six months, the steps so familiar she could walk them in her sleep. She felt the hot spotlights on her face, took in the view of the crowd that would just never get old.
And that’s when she saw him.
He hadn’t told her he was coming tonight, but there he was, in the second row of the center section. He must have spent a fortune on his seat… and he’d already seen the play. Rachel was stunned to see him, beaming at her as she stood on stage, taking in the sight of him.
She knew he wasn’t here to see the play again. She knew he was there for her, and the sweet gesture made her smile in spite of herself.
No matter what happened, she knew Zander Riley was the kind of man that saying yes to could be possible with. She knew she found a man who not only supported her dreams but went above and beyond to prove that.
She turned her attention back to the play, tearing her eyes away from Zander. She realized the actors and actresses on stage were staring at her, waiting for her moment.
She’d said the words hundreds of times in rehearsals, in performances, probably even in her sleep. The hot lights shining down, everyone staring at her, she opened her mouth to speak the words she knew by heart.
But suddenly, there was a problem.
She froze, panic settling in the pit of her stomach. For the first time in her entire career, Rachel faced the most terrifying problem an actress could face.
She had no idea what her lines were, her mind a blank slate frozen in panic as everyone watched.
And suddenly, the lights were melting her, scorching her skin and her dreams right along with it. Another actress nearby covered the lines, saying the words Rachel couldn’t find. Rachel tried not to cry as she felt her dreams being incinerated, her career going up in flames, all while the gorgeous eyes of Zander Riley watched from the second row.
* * *
He was there after the play with a single red rose and a consoling smile, but Rachel couldn’t find her own grin. Tears were falling, and she just needed to get home.
She’d ruined it. The thing she’d feared the most had happened.
And it was all his fault.
In reality, that wasn’t fair, she knew. She’d let him into her life, even though she’d known all along it wasn’t a good idea. She’d let him grab ahold of her heart. She’d let him lead her down this path of kisses and love and the possibility of a long-term commitment. She’d let him break her promise to herself.
But it had to end here.
“Rachel, it’s okay,” he whispered as they found an empty corner in a backstage room, Zander familiar with the layout after visiting her so many times here. He handed her the red rose, but she didn’t take it, fumbling with her hands instead.
“It’s not, Zander. I messed up out there.”
“No one could tell, I swear. It’s fine. Everyone slips up.”
“But I don’t,” she exclaimed, forceful and with a bit of harshness. “I don’t mess up.”
“Hey, it’s going to be okay. You had an off day. It happens to everyone.” He tried to pull her in, but she stepped back.
She looked at the man in front of her who had opened her heart so much in the past few weeks. She saw all of their late night talks these past couple weeks, their dinner dates, their trips to the local bars. She saw all of the hope and excitement she’d experienced with him—but now, another feeling inched in.
Fear.
The familiar terror that a relationship would detract from her career came slamming into her. Her old tendencies to clam up at love, to guard her heart, and to acknowledge she didn’t have time for it rose up from their quiet resting place. Looking at Zander, she saw all of the dangerous things she’d avoided for so long. Tonight was just a slap in the face that she had been right to put aside love.
And now, she knew what she had to do. It was painful, but it was necessary. Rachel wouldn’t let anything or anyone interrupt her on her path to success.
Even if that someone was a gorgeous man who had stolen her heart from the moment she saw him.
“Zander, I can’t do this. This is exactly what I was afraid of. My career has to come first. This thing between us has been fun and exciting, but I can’t do it anymor
e. It’s too risky. It’s pulling my attention away from what matters most. I have to focus on my career. I can’t let anything get in the way, okay? I’m sorry. I just can’t.”
Zander opened his mouth, but no words came out. He stood holding the single red rose, which now seemed like a funeral flower instead of a symbol of love. She stood for a moment, mourning her mistake on stage and also, in truth, mourning the loss of this, whatever it was blooming into.
Some women could do it all. Some women could juggle a career and a relationship and everything else.
But Rachel apparently wasn’t one of them, as evidenced by tonight’s debacle. And she wasn’t going to risk everything she’d built for her heart’s fantastical whims. She couldn’t, even if she wanted to.
“I’m sorry,” she said before slinking away from Zander, off to the back dressing room to get herself together before heading home, alone, like she always should’ve done.
He said nothing because he probably knew the obvious truth—once a stubborn woman like Rachel set her mind to something, there was no changing it.
Chapter 18
Zander
T he following Monday morning, Zander groggily pulled himself out of bed, looking out his bedroom window to see a sky that seemed to fit his current status. Gloomy. Overcast. Ugly.
He considered doing something he hadn’t done in two years—calling in sick. He thought about sulking in his room, thinking about life or maybe not even thinking about anything at all. Maybe he could just spend the day staring at the fog that didn’t seem to be going anywhere soon and think about how whatever he’d found with Rachel Winters had already dissipated.
He dragged himself to the shower, hoping the hot water could wash away the confusion and mucky feelings he was dealing with, had been dealing with all weekend. This was the final Monday before school let out for summer, and he needed to be there to close up shop and to wish the kids off to summer. He couldn’t let a broken heart get in the way.
Was that what this really was? he asked himself as he stepped into the stream of hot water a few minutes later. A broken heart? How ridiculous was the idea that he could be this devastated over a woman he just met hardly a month ago? How ludicrous he had let himself fall so hard so fast when he knew just how much of a disaster Zander Riley was at love. He clearly had a masochistic wish for himself, letting his heart get wrapped up with a woman whose job was to act for a living.
Still, no matter how frustrated he was—with Rachel or with himself, he couldn’t decide—he knew the hardest part of this whole mess was neither of them had been tapping into their passion for acting when they were together. Neither of them was faking anything. The spark that had ignited between them unexpectedly and, arguably against both of their wishes, was anything but an act.
It was the real deal, plain and simple. And now, Rachel had smothered that flame with a bad night and a couple of words ringing with finality.
He couldn’t blame her completely. He knew what it was like to be afraid and to be worried love would ruin a career. Heck, they’d both seen that very thing play out in real life. They’d both been battered by relationships and had come out on the other side to see their way through. It wasn’t really a surprise that both of them would be gun-shy when it came to commitment again.
But over the past few weeks, they’d maneuvered those fears together. They’d found something worth the risk, something worth breaking old promises for. They found something they could both say yes to and feel like they were making the right decision.
So what had gone wrong?
Maybe Zander had just put too much pressure on himself and on them to make it work. Maybe, in truth, he’d been craving a relationship since Sheila walked out and essentially said he wasn’t worthy of her. Maybe, even if he’d tried to avoid it for years, he’d been seeking verification he was, in fact, worthy and capable of real love.
But now his chance was gone, just like the rest of his chances.
A half hour later, when he made his way into the classroom, he told himself to brush off the gloom and doom feelings. It was no use. Rachel had made her position clear. In truth, this whole thing had been basically cursed from the beginning. No one built a relationship based on some fluttering feeling. What, did he think this was some sappy chick movie where the two protagonists “just knew” from the moment they saw each other? He’d never accused himself of being a hopeless romantic, but he was getting dangerously close to that label now.
When the kids rolled in, Zander did his best to paint on a smile and put the harsh realities of the weekend behind him. He hadn’t lost anything, right? He was the same Mr. Riley he’d been for his whole teaching career—alone but more than okay with that. He had his job, his cat, and his friends. What more did a man need, other than some cold beer on the weekend and a decent hockey team to root for? Forget love. He was beyond that.
“Mr. Riley, what’s wrong?” Rocky asked in the middle of the day’s lesson on budgeting, one of the last before summer break kicked in.
“Nothing, Rocky. Why?”
“You look sad. Real sad, Mr. Riley,” Rocky said gravely, and even some of the non-verbal students shook their heads in agreement, as if needing to express the sentiment.
Zander leaned on his desk, shaking his head, running a hand through his growing stubble. “I’m fine, Rocky. Just tired, you know?”
“No, Mr. Riley. He’s right. You look sad. More than just Monday sad. And Mrs. Humphrey says we should always talk about our feelings when we’re sad. We’re ready to listen,” Katie added, actually folding her hands together as if she were a therapist ready to take on her client’s heavy burdens.
Zander smiled at their sweet sentiments. Even the kids could sense he was off. Great. Just great.
“Guys, listen. I’m going to be fine, okay? Now can we please get back to budgeting?”
Rocky shook his head, clearly expressing his disproval. “Mr. Riley, I know what this is about. My dad always says when a man looks sad like that, it’s always about a woman.”
Zander Riley was the man who kept his emotions in check and undercover. But at Rocky’s words, he could feel his face warming.
Whoever thought these kids at Highline were disabled or lacking in some way had no idea what they were talking about. These were the most perceptive, empathetic kids Zander had ever met.
And it was just a shame they were absolutely, positively right on so many levels about this.
Chapter 19
Rachel
“Rachel? What the heck are you doing here? Rachel, come on.”
Rachel’s eyes groggily opened as she looked up to see Michael standing over her. Confusion slowly lifted like a heavy morning fog. She looked up to see the dressing room mirror in front of her. She stretched out her very stiff back, wincing as the pain in her neck screamed.
“What time is it?” she asked, still groggy and confused.
“Six in the morning. Did you sleep here last night?”
She looked around the dressing room, recalling last night after the evening performance. Everyone had closed up shop, had gone home. She promised she was fine, that she just needed to run a few lines.
Apparently, that had turned into a lot longer of a practice than she thought because here she was. She vaguely remembered needing to rest her eyes and putting her head down, but she had never planned on sleeping the night here.
“I guess I did.”
“Rachel, have you lost your mind? We have a show this afternoon. Get home and get some sleep. What were you doing all night?”
Rachel sighed, shaking out her hair before looking at Michael. He groaned even though she didn’t say a word.
“Please tell me this isn’t about Saturday night. Dear Lord, Rachel, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Everyone has their moments.”
“But I don’t,” she whispered, feeling the frustration creep back in her voice.
Michael put a hand on her shoulder. “Stop being so hard on yourself, Rachel. No one want
s a perfect actress. We want an actress with heart, with emotion. You’ve got that. The rest is just side stuff.”
Rachel wanted to let Michael’s words sink in, but she couldn’t. He didn’t get it. How could he? He was exactly where he wanted to be in life. Rachel wasn’t even close, and she was too far along in her life to make any missteps now. She’d made plenty in her early twenties. Now was the time to be on her A-game.
“Rachel, stop beating yourself up. You know you’re amazing at what you do, and we all see it. I know you struggle because you feel like you got a later start in this game, but that doesn’t matter. Did you know I didn’t get my first real directing gig until I was fifty? Do you know how many people, myself included, thought it was never going to happen for me? And do you know how many screw-ups I had along the way? You’re young. You’re vibrant. You’re dedicated. Any Broadway play would be lucky to have you, and I selfishly hope I can keep you for as long as I’m directing this thing. But I also know, Rachel, you’re destined for bigger things, no matter what you think. So just sit back a little and let the universe take you where it will.”
“Thank you,” she said meekly, not sure if she believed his words but happy to hear the kindness radiating in his voice. She was lucky to work for such an understanding director.
“Now, do me a favor,” he said, and she smiled.
“Anything.”
“Get the heck home, get some sleep, and stop practicing those six lines. Oh, and can you bring me a latte when you come back for the matinee?”
“You got it, boss,” she replied, feeling better despite her still-aching neck.
“Don’t call me that. You know I hate it.”
“Whatever you say.”
Rachel left the theater, stopping in the street to turn back and look at the sign above it. She thought about Michael’s reassuring words and wondered if he was right, if she was being too hard on herself.
Most of all, she wondered if she’d been too hard on Zander Riley and whatever it was they had been building.
No Time for Promises (The No Brides Club Book 3) Page 11