How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

by Charles Fudgemuffin

  “Yeah, I suppose,” Azleev shrugged. “Are we heading somewhere more remote first, though? We can’t do that one here. There’s too many people about.”

  “Aye, we’ll head back to the spaceship, then,” Jixyl agreed.

  And so the two friends headed back to their spaceship to journey somewhere more remote where they could look for their third victim and thus potentially earn themselves a double letter score.

  Chapter Four – The Greater Good

  Back on the spaceship with Eric…

  “…so how come the plant grew so quickly, then?” Eric inquired, as Jixyl and Azleev finished bringing him up-to-date on their adventures since arriving on Earth. “Did you use some clever alien plant acceleration growth technology on it, did you?”

  “No, I just snapped a stalk off a hedge and stuck it in the plant-pot,” Jixyl revealed.

  “Anyway, that’s basically what The Nivlax Festival is all about,” Azleev summarised. “We fly to various planets throughout the galaxy and play pranks on people. If you get your victim so angry that they swear then you get the first letter of that planet towards making a word. If you get three people to swear then you get a double letter score. And if you get three people in a row to swear you get a triple letter score.

  Then once you’ve got a few letters you make a word out of the letters and whoever makes the word with the most points wins.”

  “Ar, we’ve got a game a bit like that on Earth,” Eric mused. “Only it doesn’t involve pranks. It involves…” Eric paused.

  “What?” Jixyl inquired.

  “Ar, just, er…” Eric paused again. “Em … ar, just little tiles on a board. It’s called Scrabble.”

  “Well our version is called The Nivlax Festival,” Jixyl replied. “And it involves playing pranks on people on other planets. Not little tiles on a board.”

  “But I think I should just point out that I’m not usually this childish,” Azleev interjected. “I’m usually quite mature and responsible. But it’s just sort of a tradition so you have to go along with it.”

  “And I think I should point out that I am usually this childish,” Jixyl added. “But if there’s any excuse to be extra childish then I’m all in favour of it.”

  “Anyway, so did I spoil your triple letter score by not swearing?” Eric inquired. “Just cos I don’t normally swear in everyday conversation, but if it helps you get your double letter score then I don’t mind saying ‘fuck.’”

  “It’s okay,” Azleev replied. “We’re still on for a potential double letter score anyway, cos you already said ‘fuck’ in any case. You said ‘flip’ at first, but then in the end you said ‘fuck.’”

  “Did I?” Eric queried. “I thought I just said ‘flip.’”

  “Nar, you definitely said ‘fuck,’” Jixyl confirmed. “You said it a few times actually. Once just before you fainted and then you said a few more ‘fucks’ when you finally realised that we were really aliens.”

  “It must have just been the shock of seeing a spaceship and the shock of meeting aliens from another planet,” Eric explained.

  “You don’t have to explain yourself,” Jixyl replied. “We’re glad you said ‘fuck.’ It means we still might get our double letter score.”

  Eric smirked as he tried to get his head around the bizarreness of the concept of The Nivlax Festival. “It’s a weird idea for a festival, like,” he remarked, before quickly adding, “It sounds class, though. We should have something like that in England. I mean on Earth.” He generally thought of himself as English, rather than an Earthling, but he figured that in the presence of aliens it was probably more appropriate to refer to himself as an Earthling, rather than English. “We’ve got April Fool’s Day, I suppose, but that’s a bit small scale compared to what yous do.”

  “Aye, you can’t beat The Nivlax Festival,” Jixyl enthused.

  “Although I have to say, though … you were a bit sly with that first lass, like,” Eric commented. “Like, she obviously really wants to get in touch with her ex-boyfriend and you’re just thinking of a funny prank to play on her. I think you crossed the line a bit there cos lasses on Earth get totally upset when they split up with someone.”

  “They do on our planet as well,” Azleev revealed.

  “She’ll be okay,” Jixyl insisted. “She seemed quite calm in the message she left, like. And anyway, I haven’t even decided how I’m gonna reply to her yet.”

  “Nar but, like, honestly … lasses on Earth get, like … totally upset when they split up with someone, like,” Eric elaborated. “You shouldn’t play tricks on them, like.”

  “I’m probably just saving her from embarrassing herself,” Jixyl argued. “If she had her ex-boyfriend’s real number she’d probably just end up leaving him really desperate messages and making a show of herself.”

  “Mebbees … but I still reckon you should just give her Vince’s real number, like,” Eric proposed. “Fair enough, she’ll probably just make a show of herself but at least then it’s her that’s making a fool of herself, rather than someone else making a fool of her.

  Honestly, man. When a lass splits up with someone on Earth it’s a totally big deal to them. They’re all, like, ‘Oh no! I haven’t got a boyfriend! My life’s a failure!’ Seriously, you shouldn’t mess with the feelings of a dumped lass.”

  “I’m not messing with her feelings,” Jixyl argued. “I’m laughing at her feelings. Not messing with them.”

  “Well, you’re doing both really,” Eric disagreed.

  By coincidence, right at that moment Natalie decided to give Vince another ring. As before he was unable to answer her call and she instead got through to his voice-mail once again:

  “Hi Vince, it’s Natalie again. Well I see you haven’t rang uz back so you’re obviously over uz already which I’m really upset about.”

  There was a very noticeable stroppy tone to Natalie’s voice. She continued:

  “I can’t believe you’ve moved on already this quickly. It’s only been a few weeks. I thought we had something special but obviously I must have meant nothing to you.”

  Jixyl began rather cruelly chuckling.

  “I bet you’re with that Andrea, are you? You’d better not be. I’ll not be happy if you’re with that Andrea. You know I don’t like her.”

  “What did I tell you?” Eric remarked. “Lasses on Earth get really emotional when they split up, like.”

  “Anyway, if you suddenly develop a conscience and decide to ring uz you know what my number is, but in case you’ve already forgotten it’s…”

  “You’ve got to give her Vince’s number, man,” Eric urged. “She’s really upset.”

  “I haven’t got it in any case,” Jixyl divulged. “I just edited his business card to my number. I can’t remember what his real number actually is.”

  “Ar…” Eric responded, not knowing what next to say. “Well anyway, definitely don’t play any sly tricks on her, like.”

  “Don’t worry. Once I get her to swear I’ll send her a message saying she’s got the wrong number of something,” Jixyl promised.

  Azleev figured it was probably a good idea to change the subject at this point. “So anyway, how come you know Japanese and Swedish, then?” he inquired of Eric. “I’m not a total expert on Earth or anything, but I know a bit and I know that they’re not two of the most popular languages to learn.”

  “I spent a few months travelling around Japan a few years ago,” Eric revealed. “And I just picked up a bit of the language while I was there.”

  “And what about Swedish?” Azleev inquired.

  “Aye, what made you decide to learn Swedish, then?” Jixyl asked.

  “Well partly cos I just think it’s really important to take an interest in the world you live in and to expand your horizons and learn about other cultures and stuff, and learning another language is a good way of doing that,” Eric explained. “And also, partly cos all Swedish lasses are totally fit.” A perceptive smile appeare
d on Jixyl’s face. “Although admittedly, if I’m totally honest,” Eric continued, “the lushness of Swedish lasses was possibly more of a contributory factor towards my decision to learn Swedish, rather than all that patter about culture and stuff.”

  “If Swedish lasses are so fit then you’d think more dudes would learn Swedish,” Jixyl suggested.

  “I know. I can’t understand why it hasn’t caught on,” Eric agreed. “I mean, in terms of practical use admittedly there’s not much point in learning Swedish cos every Swedish person I’ve ever met has spoke better English than me. But it’s obviously not about improving your ability to communicate. It’s obviously purely about winning brownie points with Swedish lasses. Like, obviously you don’t want to know too much Swedish obviously, cos there comes a point where if you can almost speak it fluently then it stops earning you brownie points, but I’ve got a long way to go before I reach that point.”

  “Surely the more you know the better,” Azleev suggested.

  “Nar, you’d think so,” Eric replied, “but it’s a bit like walking. If a toddler walks a few steps everyone looks at him and goes, ‘Ee, isn’t he clever. Look at him walking.’

  But if I walk a few steps and go, ‘Look at me walking,’ everyone goes, ‘Well whoopee-do for you. You can walk. Big deal.’

  Well that’s the same way it works with speaking Swedish. If an English dude can speak Swedish totally fluently, Swedish lasses just go, ‘Ar, right. You can speak Swedish. Good on you and all that,’ but that’s as far as it goes. You don’t win any brownie points.

  But if they can see that it’s a real effort for you and you’re really trying your best to speak their language then they really appreciate the effort you’re putting in. A total amateur trying his hardest gets more brownie points than an accomplished success.

  Plus, if they think you can only speak a little bit Swedish when secretly you can speak it better than they actually realise, then they’ll talk about you with their mates in front of you and you can listen in and secretly find out if they like you or not.”

  “So have you had much success with Swedish lasses, then?” Jixyl asked.

  “Well, no,” Eric admitted.

  “Well it’s not getting you that many brownie points then, is it?” Jixyl laughed.

  “It gets uz brownie points,” Eric argued. “It’s just that getting brownie points is just the first stage. You have to put your brownie points to good use and basically I totally waste my brownie points cos of my feebleness at scoring. Like, on the rare occasions when I manage to build up a few brownie points, I generally just completely mess things up.”

  “Aye, I know what you mean,” Jixyl admitted. “I’m like that sometimes as well.”

  “What are lasses like on your planet, then?” Eric quizzed.

  “Pretty much similar to lasses on Earth,” Jixyl replied.

  “Except they’ve got four fingers,” Eric joked.

  “Hey, man! What’s your big obsession with fingers, like?” Jixyl snapped. “And anyway they’ve got eight fingers, not four.”

  “Soz,” Eric apologised, feeling quite surprised by Jixyl’s over-the-top reaction.

  Azleev was a lot calmer about the subject, though. “Apart from having four fingers the lasses on Fyra are pretty much the same as Earth lasses … just from what I’ve read about Earth lasses,” he remarked.

  “Fyra?” Eric noted. “Is that the name of your planet, like, is it?”

  “No, our planet’s called Fudgemuffinwobblesplutter,” Jixyl sarcastically replied. “Even though you’d clearly just asked Azleev a question about our planet, he randomly then just decided to start discussing lasses from a previously unmentioned planet, just to confuse things.”

  “That’s sarcasm, isn’t it?” Eric correctly observed.

  “Yeah,” Azleev answered. “Basically, whenever you see Jixyl’s lips moving, that’s your clue that he’s being sarcastic.”

  “So are yous called Fyralites?” Eric inquired.

  “Fyralings,” Azleev revealed.

  “Fyralites sounds better,” Eric opined.

  “Well sorry for our name not complying with your chosen preference,” Jixyl retorted, once again sarcastically, “but we’re called Fyralings, not Fyralites.”

  “I was just saying…” Eric shrugged, defensively.

  “Anyway, Fyraling lasses are pretty much similar to Earth lasses,” Jixyl remarked. “They’re into snogging and spanking just like I’d imagine lasses on Earth are.”

  Eric blinked. Then he replayed Jixyl’s comment in his head, unsure as to whether he had heard it correctly. “Spanking?” he finally queried, his eyebrows raised.

  “Yeah,” Jixyl replied, matter-of-factly.

  “Ar, you total flukes!” Eric enthused.

  “Do you like spanking, like?” Jixyl asked.

  “Well aye, obviously,” Eric replied. “Well I mean … a bit, I suppose,” he added, suddenly trying to appear more casual. “Like, it’s alright, like. But I’m not a complete pervert or nowt. But, like, I like it the right amount for a normal person. But I’m not obsessed with it or anything.”

  Jixyl looked a bit baffled. “Well … eh? How would spanking make you a pervert, like?” he asked. “Spanking’s perfectly normal. It’s, like, way down the list on the scale of perviness. My lass regularly spanks me, like, and I often spank her back.”

  “Ar, aye. Soz. Obviously for yous if it’s the equivalent of kissing then spanking must obviously not be pervy at all,” Eric acknowledged. “But I meant, like, in England … I mean Earth, if you’re into spanking too much then you’re probably a bit of a pervert. But I’m not into it too much. I’m just into it the right amount for a normal person.

  Like, obviously I like it. I’m not denying that. Like, say if I was dancing with a totally fit lass in a pink bikini wearing high heels … but not old fashioned tarty high heels … like, cool modern high heels which were sort of platformy at the back rather than full on high heels … and say the song ‘Smack That’ came on and she started thrusting her bum at uz then I’d obviously start spanking her.” Eric suddenly raised his hands in that gesture that Italian footballers make after they have just fouled an opposition player but want to pretend to the ref that they haven’t touched him and it was actually a fair tackle. “… I mean, just as a purely hypothetical example, of course … obviously. But I’d never initiate it, though. I’d respond to a thrusted bum but I wouldn’t initiate it.”

  “It sounds like spanking’s a big deal to you but like we say, it’s perfectly normal for us, like,” Azleev remarked.

  “Eh … it’s canny mad, that, like,” Eric commented. All this talk of spanking being regarded as unpervy on Fyra took his thoughts in the following direction. “So, like, if someone asked you if you preferred bums or baps then, I suppose it would obviously be baps for yous then, would it?”

  “Aye, of course,” Jixyl replied, seemingly surprised that Eric even had to ask the question.

  “You see bums rate canny highly in my scale,” Eric replied, “but I suppose if spanking’s the equivalent of kissing, then bums must be canny downgraded on your planet.”

  “Eh? So do you prefer bums to baps, do you?” asked Jixyl, incredulously.

  “Well no, not in general,” Eric clarified, “but it depends what you’re talking about. If you’re talking about feeling then aye, mebbees bums cos obviously once you start getting explorative then your fingers are really close to greater things.

  But if you’re talking about tongue action then I’d obviously go for baps. Cos I’m, like, not really into licking bums.” After a moment’s thought he added, “Actually I probably would quite enjoy it … bum cheeks, that is,” he quickly clarified. “Obviously I’m not talking about bum holes.” He raised his hands once again in the guilty Italian footballer gesture. “Urgh,” he then quickly added. “But anyway, it’s just that I’ve never done any bum licking cos if I said to a lass, ‘Can I lick your bum?’ she’d think I was a total pe
rvert.”

  “So what about baps?” Jixyl inquired. “Can you ask a lass if you can lick her baps and she’d be alright with that?”

  “Well no, obviously not in everyday life,” Eric explained. “But I’m talking about, like, once you’ve scored and you’re back to the bedroom and the kit’s coming off. You can obviously lick her baps then. You generally don’t even need to ask. Things just progress to it … but I wouldn’t lick her bum. She’d think I was a proper freak.”

  “Ar, right. In the bedroom,” Jixyl replied, nodding thoughtfully. “Ar, aye. Yeah, we can obviously do that as well. I thought you meant as everyday behaviour for a second there, like. But, like, we can lick bums in the bedroom, like. But why would you want to when you can lick baps and minges instead?”

  Eric got defensive again. “Ar, aye. I’m the same.” He made the guilty Italian footballer gesture once again. “Ar yeah, when I said I’d probably enjoy it I didn’t want to give you the impression that I’ve got some sort of sick secret bum licking fetish. Ar, nar. I didn’t mean nowt like that. I was just describing what’s acceptable and what’s a bit freaky. That’s all. I wasn’t meaning I’m secretly into bum licking. Ar, nar. Baps all the way for me, like, when it comes to tongue action.”

  “Even ahead of minges?” Jixyl asked.

  “Hmm … I generally don’t venture south unless I’ve had a few beers,” Eric remarked. “Although admittedly I generally never score unless I’ve had a canny few beers, like. So aye, actually I would say minges have got more appeal than baps, like. But that’s not to diminish the appeal of baps, though. I meant that as a compliment to minges rather than a criticism of baps.”

  “Yeah, total agreement there, like,” Jixyl agreed.

  Eric was more interested in learning about alien protocol and procedure though, than in discussing his own preferences. “So is it the same on Fyra for scoring?” he asked. “Like, do you need a canny few beers down you before you’ve got enough bottle to score, or can you just score when you’re sober?”