“Alcohol’s something we use in Chemistry on Fyra,” Azleev explained. “You don’t drink it to give you confidence. We’ve got a drink called diquintenol though, which sounds quite similar. It’s an intoxicating beverage like alcohol.”
“Actually we’ve got a few with uz if you want to try some,” Jixyl offered.
“Hmm…” Eric pondered. He couldn’t deny he was tempted, but at the same time he couldn’t help thinking that trying an alien intoxicating beverage would probably be a very foolish decision. It was a dilemma, and he felt like he had a little cartoon angel on one shoulder and a little cartoon devil on the other shoulder. The angel was saying to him, ‘Drinking an intoxicating alien drink probably isn’t the wisest course of action to take … especially when you’ve only known the aliens for a few minutes.’ On the other shoulder the devil was saying to him, ‘Don’t stress about it.’
Eric considered the two options. On the one hand his common sense was in total agreement with the advice of the cartoon angel, but on the other hand Eric reasoned that common sense could be quite a boring attribute. ‘Hmm … don’t stress about it,’ he thought to himself. ‘That’s a very compelling argument.’ After weighing up the options Eric decided that the cartoon devil had the loudest voice. “Aye, I could do, like,” he eventually replied.
So Jixyl went to a cupboard and produced a few glasses of clear liquid, which he and Azleev then proceeded to drink. Eric then followed suit and did likewise. It wasn’t the most pleasant drink Eric had ever tasted and what made it even worse was that he didn’t seem the slightest bit drunk. By now, however, his curiosity was piqued so he downed a couple more glasses, again with no noticeable effect.
“Are you sure this isn’t just dodgy-flavoured water?” Eric inquired. “Just cos I’m not getting any effect, like. I mean, admittedly I can totally take my booze, like, but you’d think I’d have got some effect by now … even allowing for my exceptional drinking skills.” In reality Eric wasn’t that great a drinker and this was just mock bravado.
“Are you sure?” Azleev questioned. “You should definitely be feeling quite intoxicated by now.”
“Aye, I’m totally DQed up, me, like,” Jixyl remarked. Jixyl had also had a fair few glasses of the liquid.
“DQed up? Is that what you call it?” Eric asked.
“Aye. That’s basically our equivalent of getting drunk,” Jixyl explained. “Well … getting diquintenoled up is the correct term, but you’d just generally say ‘DQed up,’ like.”
“Well anyway, whatever you call it … it’s not working on me, like,” Eric remarked.
“Eh, you must have some different biological make-up to us then,” Jixyl surmised, “cos after drinking that much you should definitely be well on your way to being DQed up, like.”
“Yeah, it’s strange, that,” Azleev added, ponderously. “Do you reckon we could maybe test your blood to check why it doesn’t work on humans?”
Eric suddenly became defensive. “Ar, I dunno about that, like,” he replied. Having his blood tested was getting too near to the scenario of alien experiments in his eyes, so that was the reason behind his reluctance.
“Just out of curiosity,” Azleev explained. “And we wouldn’t need much. Just a thimbleful would be enough.”
“It’s just, like … this isn’t a devious elaborate scam, is it?” Eric asked, coming clean about his suspicions. “Like, you haven’t just given uz some dodgy-flavoured water and then gone, ‘Oo, that’s strange. We better test your blood,’ just as a scam to get some of my blood to do strange alien experiments on it.”
“Look, man. You were unconscious a few minutes ago. If we wanted your blood we could have just taken it then,” Jixyl pointed out. “Look, if you don’t want to give us some of your blood then no worries, but Azleev is into his science and all that, so it’d be canny interesting for him if you did, like. But if it’s a problem then no worries.”
“Don’t worry. It’s a totally painless procedure,” Azleev added, in an assuring tone of voice.
Eric was still a bit reluctant but didn’t want to come across as unnecessarily awkward, so felt pressured into it. “Well okay then,” he finally agreed, “but only if we go for a fly about in your spaceship.”
“Yeah. No worries,” Jixyl agreed.
But then Eric had another thought. “Ar, nar. Hang on though. You’ve been drinking, haven’t you? Yous won’t be able to drive.”
“It’s alright. We’ll just stick it on autopilot,” Azleev reassured Eric.
“Yeah, I mean … give us some credit,” Jixyl retorted. “We obviously wouldn’t use manual after we’ve been drinking.”
Eric still wasn’t convinced. “But, like, even on auto-pilot, is it not a bit dodgy to be flying after a few drinks? Like, what happens if the computer goes dodgy?”
“All spaceships are fitted with a back-up computer,” Azleev explained.
“But what happens if the back up computer knacks up as well?” Eric quizzed.
“Well then we’ll crash,” Jixyl replied, matter-of-factly.
“You see! That’s what I mean, man!” Eric exclaimed. “Drink driving[12] is purely dodgy, man!”
“If the computer goes dodgy then being sober isn’t gonna help,” Azleev explained. “We’d crash whether we’ve been drinking or not.”
“Here, man. So, like, do you think if we were flying along and then the computer stopped working, do you think we’d have time to fix the computer before we smashed into the deck, like?” Jixyl mocked. “Without the computer we’d smack into the deck within about four seconds, man. There’s no way we’d have time to fix anything … drunk or sober.”
“Well thanks, like,” Eric replied. “You’re really filling uz with confidence, like.”
“But don’t worry though. The chances of the primary computer and the back up computer both going on the blink at the same time are virtually non-existent,” Azleev assured Eric. “I’ve never known a crash in my lifetime. You get the occasional incident with Lindors[13] but this is a top of the range Plorske spaceship and the reliability on Plorskes means they basically never crash. My grandad reckons it happened once in his lifetime but that was before they invented sub-molecular techno-bots.”
“Yeah, don’t worry … it’s, like, got an infinitely small chance of happening nowadays,” Jixyl added. “But if it makes you feel more comfortable then we’ll neck a couple of anti-diquins before we set off.”
“I take it that’s something that sobers you up, is it?” Eric guessed.
“Aye,” Jixyl confirmed.
“Canny fluky, that, like. Having something you can take to just sober you up just like that, like,” Eric remarked.
“Are you up for it then?” Jixyl inquired. “Shall we take you for a fly about?”
“Will people not see us though if we fly about, though?” Eric asked.
“Nar, the spaceship’s fitted with light refraction displacement technology,” Jixyl explained. “Basically it senses when there’s sentient beings in the vicinity and then takes images from the other side of the ship and then relays them directly into the sentient being’s brain so that in effect they basically see right through the spaceship. It’s effective from twenty metres and upwards.”
“Ar, that’ll be how I didn’t see your spaceship earlier on, and then it just suddenly appeared,” Eric realised.
“Aye, it works excellent like,” Jixyl replied. “Don’t worry. No-one’ll see us.
“Is that light refraction technology wotsit not a bit dodgy, though?” Eric asked. “Like, messing with people’s brains … is it totally safe, is it?
“It’s okay … in ninety three percent of cases there’s no serious side effects,” Jixyl revealed.
Eric, however, didn’t share Jixyl’s opinion that a ninety three percent safety record was anything to brag about. “Ninety three percent! So you’re saying there’s a seven percent chance of serious side effects!?” he shrieked. “You used it on me earlier on!!!”
Eric, however, didn’t find this statistic very reassuring. “Aye but that’s still a seven percent chance that’ll something dodgy’ll happen to uz!” In fact he was clearly freaked out by this news.
“Seven percent’s nothing, man,” Jixyl argued. “It’s excellent odds.”
“I flipping can’t believe you, like!” Eric retorted, obviously not sharing Jixyl’s endorsement of the odds. “Seven percent!! It’s not that excellent.”
“Chill, man. He’s just winding you up,” Azleev then revealed, with a wry grin on his face.
“So what are the odds really?” Eric inquired.
“There aren’t any odds,” Azleev answered. “It’s totally safe.”
Jixyl started laughing. “Nar, man. Soz. Just having a laugh. Aye, it’s totally safe,” he chuckled.
Eric joined in with the chuckling, although his chuckling was more an expression of relief rather than an expression of mirth and merriment like Jixyl’s chuckling.
After the fun of Jixyl’s little trick had worn off, Jixyl and Azleev took a couple of anti-diquins and then took the blood sample from Eric, which as promised was only a thimbleful.
And then they were ready to go for the fly about that Eric had requested.
“So where d’you wanna go, then?” Azleev asked.
“Can we go to Suzuka Circuit?” Eric suggested.
“Where’s that?” Azleev inquired.
“In Japan,” Eric replied. “I’m a big formula 1 fan and Suzuka’s a classic track. Well it was before Bernie[14] kicked it off the calendar for a few extra shekels.”
“Aye, no worries then,” Jixyl agreed. “I’m warning you mind, the spaceship’s so fast that it probably won’t feel like flying to you. It’ll just seem like teleporting cos it’s so fast.”
“Ar, cool!” Eric enthused.
So the three of them strolled through to the control room and sat themselves down.
“Here we go. Hold tight,” Azleev cautioned. He pressed a few buttons and the spaceship began to rise slowly upwards. Eric was slightly disappointed to discover that there were no futuristic engine noises to accompany their ascent – in fact the take-off was pretty much silent – but he was still nonetheless totally buzzing with excitement.
“Flip!” he exclaimed. “Ar, this is gonna be class, this, like!” Azleev then pressed another button and the spaceship began to accelerate slowly forward until they were going about sixty miles per hour.
“Canny impressive, eh?” Jixyl remarked.
“This isn’t top speed, though, is it?” Eric inquired, slightly bemused.
“Top speed?” Jixyl replied, his eyebrows raised to indicate Eric would have to be a complete fool to even suggest such a thing. “Course not! We’ve had eighty m.p.h. out of it in a low-gravity atmosphere.”
“Eighty miles per hour?” Eric repeated, looking shocked and confused. “That’s rubbish, that, like.”
“Just ignore Jixyl. He’s just having a joke,” Azleev then explained, with a sly smirk on his face. “We’ll hit top speed in a few seconds.”
“I thought it seemed a bit slow, like,” Eric acknowledged. Azleev then pressed another button and in a matter of seconds they were at Suzuka Circuit, and in a further ten seconds they had completed the landing procedure.
“Flip! That was mad, that, like!” Eric exclaimed. “How come we didn’t get flung out of our seats with the force of the acceleration?” he asked.
“The inside of the ship is fitted with an anti-grav field,” Azleev explained.
“Ar, cool!” Eric enthused.
And then, within another minute or so, he was outside the spaceship and standing on Suzuka Circuit. Due to the time difference it was dark and there was nobody about, but the darkness didn’t diminish Eric’s excitement in the slightest.
“Ar, class! Suzuka Circuit!” he beamed. “What a total buzz! I’m standing on Suzuka Circuit!”
“It’s just a track,” Jixyl shrugged, looking slightly puzzled at Eric’s excitement and enthusiasm.
“Aye, but it’s Suzuka Circuit, man!” Eric explained.
“Ar, Suzuka Circuit!” Jixyl replied, with mock enthusiasm. “Ar, you hadn’t mentioned it. Ar, right. Class! Get in!”
At that moment they were standing at the ‘S’ bends, but Eric wanted to visit the rest of the track.
“Can we go to Spoon[15] as well?” he asked, like a little kid visiting Disneyland.
“Where’s that?” Azleev inquired.
“It’s just the other side of the track,” Eric replied. “It’s probably about a mile away.”
“Well, is it not just the same as this part of the track, like, is it?” Jixyl questioned.
“Nar, course not,” Eric remonstrated. “Spoon’s sort of spoon shaped, whereas the S Bends are sort of S shaped.”
“Ar, it’s spoon-shaped! Ar, get in! Totally exciting!” Jixyl mocked.
“If you were a formula 1 fan you’d understand,” Eric replied.
But Jixyl and Azleev decided to humour Eric and so after a brief discussion as to how to get there they nipped back into the spaceship and went to Spoon. Once there, Eric’s excitement was just as big as it had been at the S Bends.
“Ar, class! Spoon!” he exclaimed.
“Ar, class!” Jixyl repeated, sarcastically.
Eric bent down and touched the track. He had been to the Australian Grand Prix a few years earlier and touched the track at Melbourne, and that had been a total buzz, but to touch Spoon at Suzuka Circuit was a bigger buzz again.
“Flip! I’ve touched Spoon!” he enthused.
“Can we go now?” Jixyl requested.
So after a few more minutes they headed back into the spaceship.
“Where d’you wanna go next?” Azleev inquired.
“Somewhere a bit more exciting this time, though, eh?” Jixyl requested.
“More exciting than Suzuka Circuit?” Eric queried. He placed a thoughtful expression on his face. “Hmm … that’s a tough one.”
“Like, somewhere that’s, like, a natural wonder or something,” Jixyl advocated. “Just cos places like racing tracks on obscure planets aren’t really that interesting for us.”
“Well, we could go to Mount Everest, I suppose,” Eric suggested.
And so they did. And as they hovered above the peak of the highest point on Earth, Eric was almost as excited as he had been when he visited Suzuka Circuit. “Ar, is there any way we can get out and stand on the top?” he inquired.
“No, the sudden massive increase in altitude would kill you,” Azleev explained. “Your body couldn’t handle such a rapid change.”
“Ar, gutter,” Eric grumbled. “That would have been a story to tell the grandkids, like.”
A surprised expression suddenly appeared on Jixyl’s face. “Have you got grandkids?” he asked. “How old were you when you had kids, like?”
“Ar, nar. I didn’t mean literally,” Eric explained. “I haven’t got grandkids, obviously. It’s just an expression. I just mean it would have been something to brag about.”
“You can’t tell anyone about tonight,” Azleev instructed. “Earth is a non-contact planet and we’d get into loads of trouble if we broke that situation.”
“I thought going to non-contact planets was what The Nivlax Festival was all about,” Eric queried.
“Well, yeah … it is,” Azleev acknowledged. “But I mean … well, we’re only meant to play tricks on people. We’re not meant to befriend them and take them for a fly about in our spaceship.”
“Ar, right. Ar well … I wasn’t gonna tell anyone anyway,” Eric agreed. “Just cos if I said, ‘Ar, I flew to Everest last night in a spaceship,’ everyone would think I was a mental freak. So don’t worry, I’m not gonna tell anyone.”
Eric spent a few more moments staring down at Everest before a thought suddenly entered his head.
“Ee, man!” he suddenly exclaimed. “I’ve just remembered! I’m meant to be meeting this lass later on. Ar, man. I’m gonna be totally late. She’ll be in a right strop now.”
“Well we can head back now if you want,” Jixyl offered.
“Ar, I dunno,” Eric replied. “I should, like, cos lasses go in a right strop if you stand them up. But on the other hand I’m gonna be late now in any case, so I might as well keep flying about and seeing more cool places.”
Eric had only seen the lass in question a couple of times previously, so although she seemed sound enough, he nevertheless reasoned that flying around in a spaceship currently topped his priority list right now.
“We should probably be heading off in any case,” Azleev remarked. “If we head off now we’ve still got time to have one last shot at getting our double letter score.”
“Ar, gutter,” Eric shrugged, the disappointment evident in his shoulders. “Ar, fair enough, then.”
So after a brief discussion as to where he wanted dropped off they headed back to Mount Helvellyn. Eric would ideally have preferred to have got dropped off at the car park at the start of the Mount Helvellyn hike, but Jixyl and Azleev explained that this would create too great a risk of their spaceship being spotted by multiple witnesses. And besides, the car park probably wasn’t quite big enough to fit the spaceship anyway, so they landed once again at the flat bit of land next to Red Tarn just below the peak of Helvellyn.
A few seconds later Eric emerged from the spaceship and walked a metre or so before looking back at Jixyl and Azleev, and raising his hand in a sort of cool acknowledgement. Jixyl and Azleev responded by giving him an uncool wave back.
“Actually you don’t wanna be waving, like,” Eric advised. “That’s more like what old untrendy people would do. Just do what I did and raise your hand sort of nonchalantly.” He raised his hand once again to demonstrate and Jixyl and Azleev returned the gesture, not looking quite as cool as Eric but nevertheless looking slightly less uncool than they did a few moments earlier when they waved.
“Right, then. Well cheers for showing uz Suzuka and Everest and all that,” Eric thanked. “And, like, if you’re ever on Earth again then we’ll have to meet up again for a few beers. Well … a few beers for me and a few diquintenols for you.”
How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy Page 6