How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

by Charles Fudgemuffin

  “Ar, I’m not saying we make it a wild night,” Eric clarified. “Just a couple of quiet beers. That’s all.”

  The three friends all agreed that an impromptu leaving do was a wise decision. They also agreed that it was an equally wise decision to make it a low key affair to ensure Eric felt fine in the morning for the start of his adventure.

  Eight pints later Garth reminded Eric of this earlier agreed fact. “I thought you said it was a wise decision to make it a quiet night and just stick to a couple of beers.”

  “I did,” Eric acknowledged. “And I stand by what I said. It was a wise decision to just stick to a couple of beers. Luckily though, I’m not confined by the path of wisdom. I’m free to wander onto the path of stupidity and it’s a freedom I like to take advantage of from time to time.”

  “And this is the dude we’re relying on to save mankind,” Monty remarked, shaking his head.

  “Don’t worry, I take my responsibilities very seriously,” Eric insisted. “So … are you getting the beers in?”

  “Do you think that’s wise?” Monty cautioned.

  “No, it’s quite foolish,” Eric replied, “but like I say, I’m free to occasionally frequent the path of stupidity.”

  “Occasionally?” Monty queried with eyebrows raised, but he eventually gave in to Eric’s persistence and headed off to get the round in.

  At that moment a group of about six lasses in sexy novelty costumes came and sat at the group of chairs to the left of Eric. Eric and Garth glanced at each other with smiley wide-eyed faces and gave each other subtle nods to indicate that they were particularly impressed by the fashion sense of the lasses.

  Eric shuffled along closer to a lass dressed as a sexy bumble bee. “Are yous out on a hen night?” he asked.

  “Yeah. How did you guess?” the bumble bee replied.

  “Ar, just cos yous look, like, canny happy and all that ... and I know lasses are really into weddings and stuff, so I thought that must be why yous are so happy,” Eric mumbled.

  “Yeah, that’s my mate who’s getting married,” the bumble bee indicated, nodding across the table at a sexily dressed angel. The skimpiness of her outfit suggested she wasn’t quite as angelic as the subject of her dress sense professed.

  “Congratulations!” Eric cheered, raising his pint.

  “Thanks,” the angel replied.

  “We’re out for my leaving do,” Eric remarked, turning his attention once again to the bumble bee.

  “Ar, are you?” the bumble bee replied. “Do you mean you’re leaving Newcastle, like? Or have you just got a new job?”

  “Well, sort of both,” Eric replied. “I’ve got to go and live on an alien planet for a few months and snog loads of fit lasses, cos these other aliens who are on our side are gonna put a disease in uz first which is transmitted by saliva so that’s why I have to snog all the fit lasses, so that I hopefully infect the aliens with this disease and kill them all.”

  Eric then realised that he had omitted a key fact from his story. “Ar, but I’m not just being a snide and killing them for the sake of it. The aliens are planning to kill everything on Earth, like even carrots, if I don’t do anything about it, so that’s why I’m trying to kill them. I’m not just being a snide. It’s self-defence.”

  The bumble bee, with it has to be said – a quite concerned expression on her face – motioned for her mates to quickly drink up and move on to another pub.

  Once they were gone Garth asked Eric what he had said to the bumble bee to prompt such a hasty exit.

  “Ar, I just told her about uz having to go to the planet Fem and all that,” Eric revealed.

  “You told her about the aliens!?” Garth exclaimed, looking shocked. “Eric, man. I don’t think it’s wise to go round telling people. Especially not fit lasses dressed in sexy novelty outfits.”

  “It’s alright, man,” Eric shrugged, defensively. “She doesn’t believe uz anyway. She just thinks I’m a mentalist.”

  “You are a mentalist,” Garth opined. “You’re gonna have to seriously improve your chat-up lines if you want to have any success on your mission.”

  Eric couldn’t deny that Garth had a point. If there was a Eurovision Chat-Up Line Contest then Eric’s attempt would have been a prime contender for ‘nil pwan.’

  “Don’t worry, man,” he told Garth . “I only told her all that alien stuff cos I’ve had eight pints. I’m much more sensible when I’m sober. And they don’t drink alcohol on the planet Fem. They get drunk off diquintenol, which has no effect on humans, so I’ll be alright.”

  “They don’t drink alcohol?” Garth repeated, slightly shocked. “Hey, that’s a gutter for you, mate. I’d find it really hard to pull lasses if I was sober all the time.”

  “Flip! Aye, so will I!” Eric exclaimed, only now seeming to realise the difficulty of the task that lay ahead of him. “Ar, flip! I’ve got to snog at least twenty lasses, preferably fifty and ideally a hundred, in a few months ... and I’ve got to do it sober! Ar, flip! This is gonna be solid!”

  “Don’t worry. You’ll be okay,” Garth reassured him. “Most lasses I know think you’re funny and lasses like funny blokes. And you’re not fat. That’s another thing in your favour.”

  “Ar, cheers, like. That’s really built my confidence up, that, like,” Eric joked. “In fact I think I might use that as my chat-up line… ‘Hi, I’m Eric and I’m fat but I’m not funny.’” Eric quickly realised his mistake. “Nar, hang on. That’s the wrong way round. ‘Hi, I’m Eric and I’m not funny but I’m fat.’”

  “You’re funny and you’re not fat,” Garth corrected.

  “Aye, that’s what I meant,” Eric responded.

  At this point Monty returned from the bar with three pints. Eric quickly grabbed his pint.

  “Better make this the last one, eh?” Monty suggested.

  “It just seems such a shame though, to get to nine pints and then not get to double figures,” Eric remarked. “Like, ten pints has got a much rounder ring to it.”

  “Hey anyway, have you heard Eric’s bad news?” Garth commented to Monty. “They don’t drink alcohol on the planet Fem.”

  “Oo, that’s harsh, mate,” Monty grimaced. “It’s not the paradise I thought it was after all.”

  “It’s alright. I’m not really into the booze that much anyway,” Eric replied, as he downed a big gulp of his ninth pint.

  “Aye, I’d noticed,” Monty joked.

  Eric never made it to ten pints though, cos a couple of gulps later he started spewing his guts up over the table in front of them. Monty and Garth were pretty drunk themselves, but their reflexes were nevertheless still sharp enough for them to quickly duck for cover from the back spray.

  “Here, we’d better call it a night,” Garth suggested, once Eric had finished bringing up the last few splatters.

  “Nar, I feel alright now,” Eric insisted.

  “Yeah, but if a bouncer sees all that puke on the table we’re gonna get thrown out anyway,” Monty pointed out.

  “Not to mention the fact that you have to be up early tomorrow to save the world,” Garth added.

  “Aye, I suppose … aye,” Eric mumbled, and the three friends headed outside to look for a taxi.

  After a ten minute wait they were on their way home, with the taxi driver quickly starting up some polite banter, obviously hoping for a tip.

  “You had a good night, then?” he asked.

  “Aye,” Monty and Garth replied in unison.

  “Aye, it was my leaving do,” Eric added.

  “Ar, so a new job, is it?” the taxi driver inquired. “Or are you moving away?” Monty and Garth both glanced at Eric nervously.

  “Well … sort of both,” Eric answered.

  “So where are you off to, then?” the taxi driver asked, as Monty and Garth became even more nervous.

  “Churchill Street in Howdon…” Eric replied, “…then Whitley Bay for these two. We already told you when we got in.” He knew what the
taxi driver meant, though. He was just trying to be funny.

  “I mean where are you going for your new job?” the taxi driver clarified.

  Eric started laughing to himself.

  “He’s just doing a bit of travelling,” Monty quickly replied on Eric’s behalf. Eric laughed some more and the taxi driver took this as his cue to end the conversation and shut up.

  Ten minutes later they were outside Eric’s house. “Well, I’ll see yous in a few months’ time,” he said to his mates.

  “Aye, good luck,” Monty replied.

  “And remember … you’re funny and you’re not fat,” Garth smiled. The taxi driver gave Garth a smarmy look to indicate that he disagreed with the first half of this statement.

  “Aye, I’m funny but I’m not fat,” Eric repeated.

  And with that he headed inside for what would be his final night’s sleep on Earth for quite some time.

  Chapter Sixteen – The Plan

  Surprisingly, Eric just about made it up in time for Jixyl and Azleev’s arrival. Packing was a bit of a rush job, which normally would leave him worried he had forgotten something, but he told himself that if he had forgotten anything he could no doubt buy a flashier and more up-to-date version of it on the planet Fem.

  And that brought him to a previously unmentioned question.

  Money.

  He hadn’t yet considered how he was going to support himself during his forthcoming stay on the planet Fem.

  “I’ve just thought,” he announced to Jixyl and Azleev. “What am I gonna do for money while I’m there? I’m not gonna have to work, am I?”

  “Don’t worry. You won’t have to work,” Azleev assured him. “It’s best that you spend all of your time focussed on the mission … without the distraction of work.”

  “Phewf!” Eric exclaimed. A big smile of relief broke out on his face, before he quickly added, “I mean … yeah, I totally agree. I definitely reckon it’s best that I refrain from work, like, and just concentrate on having fun.”

  “You need to concentrate on saving the Earth,” Jixyl pointed out. “Not having fun.”

  “Ar, yeah. That’s what I meant,” Eric agreed, before repeating, “So what am I gonna do for money, then?”

  “Don’t worry. We’ve got everything planned out,” Azleev again assured him. “You’ll not be going directly to Fem. We’ll be dropping you off on Pokar Dix first, then once you’re on Pokar Dix you can set up a credit account and we’ll keep that topped up with funds for you while you’re on Fem.”

  “Ar, cheers, like,” Eric beamed, gratefully. “Hey, that’s totally generous, that, like.”

  “It’s not generous. It’s just the best practical solution,” Azleev stated. “If there was a better alternative then we’d consider it, but there’s not.”

  “Flip, it must be costing you loads, is it?” Eric inquired.

  “A canny bit,” Jixyl acknowledged. “So don’t go wild spending it all on crap you don’t need, right?”

  “Jixyl’s just being tight,” Azleev remarked. “The exchange rate is pretty good at the moment actually. So if you think it’s a situation where spending will help the mission then spend it. Success is the number one priority.”

  Their final stop before they left was to visit Monty and Garth to drop off two Galactic Information Network units. They also showed Monty and Garth how to sign up for ‘A.T.S.’ which stood for ‘Across The Stars’ and was basically a social networking site, rather like facebook only with extra bells and whistles, and just as many virus-like applications trying to spread themselves to your friends before you even had a chance to test out for yourself what the application did.

  Eric was totally chuffed when he discovered that he was going to be able to keep in touch with his mates. Firstly, because it meant he could consult their opinion whenever he needed any advice on pulling. Secondly, because whenever he had been travelling in the past he always enjoyed e-mailing his mates to tell them what a class time he was having and how sunny it was. And thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, because he always enjoyed reading their subsequent replies telling him how rainy and miserable it was in England and how much they hated their jobs.

  Once Monty and Garth were up to speed on how to work their G.I.N. units and how to find their way around A.T.S. it was then finally time for Eric to leave, and so he headed down to Whitley Bay Beach with Jixyl and Azleev to board their spaceship. He took one final look around and then made his way up into the sitting quarters.

  Seconds later they took off and as they accelerated across the galaxy the Earth quickly shrank down in size until it became so small it was out of sight.

  Although Eric had been on the spaceship several times now, this was the first time he had actually left the Earth’s atmosphere. “Flip! That was impressive, like!” he exclaimed, as he peered out of the viewing interface and watched the Earth disappear into the distance.

  “It just seems normal to us,” Azleev shrugged.

  “Normal? Flip! That’s, like, totally mind-blowing, that, like,” Eric enthused.

  “I suppose when you’re surrounded by the mind-blowing every day it just becomes ordinary,” Azleev mused.

  As they made their journey across the galaxy to the planet Fyra, Jixyl transferred numerous maps, pieces of information, articles, various G.I.N. links and anything else that Eric possibly might find useful into Eric’s phone.

  He also talked him through the plan step by step in greater detail. The key points were as follows:

  1) Once on Fyra, Eric would get implanted with the ‘Telix-17’ virus which would hopefully be the downfall of the Femlings.

  2) Eric would then spend the next week (which, as it was a Fyraling week, equated to nine days by Earth standards) getting fully trained up on everything he needed to know about the planet Fem and Femling culture and society.

  3) Once trained up, Jixyl and Azleev would then drop Eric off on Pokar Dix which had been chosen as the transit planet because of its relatively lax and antiquated planetary security system, which would mean Jixyl and Azleev would have no trouble dropping Eric off undetected. A further reason why Pokar Dix was the perfect choice was the fact that many ex-pat Femlings lived there, so Eric would be able to travel onto Fem with a fake Femling passport without arousing any suspicion whatsoever.

  4) Whilst on Pokar Dix he would set up a credit account into which they would then deposit funds for Eric to use once he got to Fem. Eric was pleased to learn that credit accounts on Pokar Dix, and indeed Fem, worked on ‘iris-scan technology’ so there was no need for cash cards. This was a weight off Eric’s mind as he was always paranoid whenever he went travelling that he might lose his cash card and be stuck for money, but he figured there was pretty little chance of him losing his irises.

  5) Once his credit account was successfully set up and funded, Eric would then book himself on the first available shuttle to Sumai City, the primary transit hub of Fem. He would then catch the next available magnapod straight down to Ko Pagna, which was the beautiful island destination where young travellers from all over the planet Fem flocked to, to party it up in the sunshine.

  This was the one point of the plan where Eric suggested a small change of detail.

  “Big cities generally have better shops than islands, like,” he highlighted. “So do you not reckon I should spend a couple of days in Sumai City first buying lots of sharp outfits for my holiday?”

  “It’s not a holiday,” Azleev reminded him. “It’s a mission to save every living species on your home planet.”

  “Ar, yeah. That’s what I meant. For my mission,” Eric quickly corrected. If he was being honest though, his mindset was already starting to see it as a holiday first and a mission second.

  “Nar, you won’t need to buy clothes,” Jixyl remarked. “We’ve got loads of typical clothes ready for you once you get to Fyra to help you blend in. You won’t need any more.”

  “Aye but no offence, like, but I don’t think yous are on the sharp
edge of fashion like myself,” Eric opined.

  “Look, man. You’re going there to snog loads of lasses, not strut up the catwalk,” Jixyl pointed out.

  “Yeah, but fashion and pulling are intrinsically linked,” Eric explained. “Trust uz, I’ve spent plenty of time on beach resorts in my time and most of the dudes just wear novelty souvenir t-shirts and boring beach shorts. If you go out with some sharp styles on and all the other dudes are dressed like unimaginative, uninspired sheep then you’ve already given yourself an advantage.”

  “Yeah, he’s right,” Azleev admitted.

  “Course I’m right,” Eric boasted. “It makes you stand out, it makes you look confident and, possibly the most important factor … if you pay a lass a compliment on her outfit and you’re wearing an excellent outfit yourself, then your compliment means ten times more than the compliment from the daft chump in the novelty t-shirt.”

  “Aye, I suppose that’s true,” Jixyl conceded.

  “So all I’m saying is give uz a couple of days in Sumai City to assess Femling fashion trends and then do a bit of shopping, and it’ll be time and money well spent,” Eric reasoned.

  “Yeah, fair enough,” Azleev agreed. “Do that, then.”

  “Don’t go crazy with the cash, though,” Jixyl insisted.

  “Don’t worry. That’s part of my fashion philosophy,” Eric replied. “Anyone can look good if they spend a lot of money. But if you don’t spend much and still look good then that shows that you know your stuff when it comes to fashion and don’t just use expensive labels as a sort of an easy safety net.”

  “Here, have you heard yourself?” Jixyl chuckled. “You think you’re a proper expert.”

  “Well I am,” Eric shrugged.

  What with this being a book you haven’t had a chance to see how Eric dresses so he may have come across as being a little bit arrogant with his last statement, but Eric didn’t see it that way. In his eyes he was just being honest.