Chapter Thirteen – Eric And Elskar
Elskar looked bashfully across at Eric. “I hope you realise that I’m not normally that type of girl,” she protested. “I don’t usually do that sort of thing.”
“Yeah, I don’t either,” Eric agreed. Then after a brief pause he added, “I would if I had the opportunity, though.”
Elskar chuckled. Eric watched her chuckle. Her face was really nice when she chuckled. In fact, it was better than nice. It was totally lush. Although to be fair, Eric also thought her face was totally lush when she wasn’t chuckling. So perhaps it was Elskar’s face that was lush, rather than her chuckle being lush.
But having said all that about Elskar being lush, Eric couldn’t help noticing that for some reason he didn’t quite rate her as high as a nine point seven any more. She was still totally lush, obviously. But for some reason he would currently rate her as around about a nine point five. Maybe even only a nine point four. No, nine point four would be being harsh. She was still a nine point five. Or maybe she was only an eight point five. No, actually … what was he talking about? She was still blatantly a nine point seven.
Eric couldn’t help noticing that his opinion of Elskar was quite erratic at the moment. She was still totally lush. But the degree of lushness seemed to be a very fluid quantity at the moment.
‘Maybe that’s just what happens when you score with a nine point seven,’ Eric told himself. ‘Maybe their rating swings about for a bit.’ Eric had never scored with a nine point seven before so this was all new territory to him. In fact he had never even scored with a nine. And even eights were very rare occurrences. And that’s no offence to the lasses that Eric had scored with cos he still definitely rated some of the lasses he had scored with. He was pleased with his CV. Admittedly, partly because he wasn’t that ambitious but he was still pleased nevertheless. Ideally it would be a lot longer, but he was still quite pleased with the content, if not the length.
Anyway, the reason I’m making this point is to illustrate that this was new territory for Eric. If he had scored with nine point sevens on a regular basis then maybe he would be an experienced old hand at this sort of situation and he would realise that afterwards her rating fluctuates quite dramatically for a bit.
But he hadn’t. So he didn’t.
And it played on his mind. It seemed weird to him that Elskar – that’s Sveltish Indie Chick – who seemed a set in stone nine point seven, could now have a variable rating. He couldn’t understand how she could possibly drop, even just slightly, from her previously seemingly immovable lofty position.
“I’m just going to use the bathroom,” Elskar remarked.
‘Maybe it’s discovering stuff like that,’ Eric thought. ‘Like, up until now she’s just been a fantasy lass, but now I’m starting to realise that she’s actually a real life lass who does stuff like use the bathroom.’
“It’s that door there,” Eric replied, nodding at the bathroom door.
“Yeah, I guessed,” Elskar responded. The fact that there was only one internal door in Eric’s room suggested her guess was probably the correct one.
“Ar, aye,” Eric grinned. “There’s only one door.”
“Yeah,” Elskar smiled back, and she opened the door and went into the bathroom.
And then, as Eric found himself alone in the room, he suddenly found himself thinking the same thoughts that any male would find themselves thinking in a situation like this.
Forty percent of his brain was contemplating how lucky he was to have just got his perv on with such a totally lush lass. And the other sixty percent was filled with an overwhelming need to brag about it.
So he picked up his G.I.N. unit and logged into A.T.S. ‘I suppose I’d better let Jixyl and Azleev know about the progress of the mission,’ he told himself, even though a more honest comment which more accurately reflected his actual feelings at that moment would have been, ‘Yes! What a total belter! Wait until I tell my mates about this!’
He typed in his username and password and a few moments later his A.T.S. profile page appeared on the screen. He was about to go into his inbox when he noticed that he had thirty four notifications outstanding in his news feed.
‘Flip! Thirty four notifications,’ he mentally exclaimed. ‘I suppose it’s been a few days, like.’ So he had a quick look at his notifications page first. Most of the notifications were just daft games and stuff which people were asking him to play, but a couple of the notifications were more interesting. Zonny had uploaded a load of photos from his time in Ko Pagna, for example. And Liquid Digital had announced that they were playing a one-off concert at the nearby island of Ko Calt, which pleased Eric as Liquid Digital were one of his favourite bands on Fem.
So Eric decided to have a quick look at Zonny’s photos. And he also decided to enter a bid of one thousand and twelve credits for a ticket to see Liquid Digital.[85]
There were also three friend requests. The first two were from a couple of dudes Eric had met and sort of half-knew from the Beach Soccer Tournament. But the third was from a really fit lass that Eric didn’t recognise.
‘Stella Gascrom?’ Eric asked himself. ‘Who’s she?’ He racked his brains but what made it all the more strange was that from her welcome message she reckoned she’d seen Eric around in Ko Pagna and yet he still couldn’t recognise her, which was especially weird when you considered how fit she was.
Not that Eric was particularly good at remembering faces. In fact, truth be told he was quite rubbish at remembering faces. He was much better at remembering conversations. And he was also quite good at remembering clothes. Which is why he would have thought he would at least have had a vague recollection of seeing Stella Gascrom around, as she was dressed quite sharply in her profile photo. But no matter how hard he tried he just couldn’t place her.
‘I’ll still add her as a friend though, obviously … cos she’s fit and all that, like,’ he told himself. ‘I’ll mebbees send her a message saying ‘How’s it going?’ and bluff that I recognised her straight away and stuff.’
So he moved the cursor towards her name and was just about to click on her photo to bring up more details when Elskar came out of the bathroom.
Eric jumped. Only slightly, but enough for Elskar to notice. For some strange reason Eric instinctively found himself feeling guilty for feeling attracted to another lass in Elskar’s presence, and he quickly moved the cursor away from Stella’s name and looked up at Elskar in an attempt at nonchalance.
“Ar … alright,” he shrugged. Elskar detected the subtle look of mild guilt in Eric’s eyes as he then quickly clicked on ‘log out.’
“Have you been looking at porn?” Elskar inquired.
“Porn? No. Course not,” Eric replied, putting on a confused face which was intended to suggest to Elskar that she would have to be crazy to suggest such a thing. In actual fact, however, it just made him look even more guilty. “I was just looking up the football scores.”
“It’s just that you looked a bit guilty,” Elskar observed.
Eric shook his head with an expression on his face that was meant to suggest that he was contemplating Elskar’s comment to see if there was any reason why he might possibly look guilty. In actual fact, however, it simply just made him look even more guilty again. “No, I can’t think of any reason why I would look guilty,” he insisted, still shaking his head and scrunching his face up in a fake contemplative expression.
“I didn’t realise there were any football games last night,” Elskar commented.
“Well, I mean … I was just looking at the tables, you know,” Eric shrugged, as he quickly logged onto the first football G.I.N. page he could think of. “And, like … the general football news.”
“It’s okay if you were looking at porn,” Elskar smirked. “It’s not like we’re seeing each other or anything like that.”
“Ar, I know,” Eric agreed, “but I wasn’t.” He raised his hands in the Italian footballer gesture of protested innoc
ence. “I mean … not that it’s a big deal or anything. But you can check my browsing history if you want. Like, just out of curiosity obviously, cos I know you’re not fussed.”
“No, I don’t care,” Elskar replied.
“Ar, right. Well no worries,” Eric shrugged, and he placed his G.I.N. unit down on the bed in what was meant to be a casual manner, but what was actual a deliberate ploy to ensure the screen was placed facing very exactly so that it was just in Elskar’s field of vision enough for her to see that a football page was showing on the screen.
“Anyway, I’m going to leave now,” Elskar remarked.
“Ar, right. Well, I’ll, er … probably see you later then,” Eric replied, trying to sound casual.
“Yeah, see you later,” Elskar agreed. There were then a few moments of silence. “Right then. I’m leaving now,” she repeated.
“Aye, see you, then,” Eric nodded. Then after another brief few moments of silence Elskar headed for the door and slowly left Eric’s room.
And then Eric suddenly felt a bit stupid as he realised what he had done. “Man! What am I doing? It’s Sveltish Indie Chick!” he remarked to himself. “You don’t go, ‘Right then. Mebbees see you later, then,’ with Sveltish Indie Chick. You go, ‘Right, well we’ll definitely see each other later,’ and then you stress that it’s a verbal contract and all that, and that it’s fully enforceable in a court of law.” He sniggered to himself. “Nar, man. You don’t go that far. But you definitely make definite plans, like.” Eric didn’t make a habit of talking to himself but in extreme emotional situations, of which this was one, it did occasionally happen. “You definitely don’t go, ‘Right, then. Mebbees see you later,’” he reaffirmed. “So, like … ar, man! What a fool I am! I’m a complete muppet!” And then he quickly racked his brains for an excuse to run out after Elskar and start talking to her again.
He looked around his room for inspiration. The first thing his eyes came to was a packet of peanuts. ‘Maybe I could ask her if those are hers,’ he thought to himself. He quickly dismissed this idea, however, as being implausible to the point of making him look like a complete gormless fool. Because why would Elskar take a packet of peanuts with her to the pool party last night and then carry them with her all the way back to Eric’s? That wouldn’t happen. And even if it did then a packet of peanuts still wouldn’t be a significant enough reason to run after her. So he decided he needed a better reason to run after her.
He quickly scanned the room until his eyes rested upon his watch. ‘My watch!’ he thought to himself. ‘I can pretend it’s not my watch and ask her if it’s hers!’ It was a sporty watch that at a push could possibly have passed as a unisex watch, so he grabbed the watch, dashed out of the room and ran down the lane after her. He was still in his boxer shorts but his hotel room was on a quiet secluded lane so nobody was about.
Luckily, Elskar had only made it a few metres down the lane so Eric was easily able to catch her up. “Ar, Sv… Elskar,” he called out, just remembering her real name in the nick of time. Elskar turned around and smiled. “I think you must have forgotten this cos it’s not mine,” Eric lied. He then had a sudden mini panic attack as he realised that he really liked the watch and was therefore suddenly nervous that she might pretend it actually was hers and claim it for herself.
Luckily for Eric though, Elskar was a generally honest person. “No, I have my watch on,” she replied, lifting her wrist up for Eric to see.[86]
“Ar, right. It must be someone else’s then,” Eric shrugged. He then panicked that she might think it was another lass’s. “Like, I mean … one of my mates,” he added, raising his hands once again in the guilty Italian footballer gesture. “Not, like … well, just I mean, like, one of my mates, you know.” Elskar looked at Eric with a smirk on her face, which made Eric feel the need to explain himself further. “But, like, I mean … a male mate. Not a female mate. Don’t worry, it’s not a lass’s.” Elskar looked at Eric with a look of bemusement which once again made Eric feel the need to elaborate. However, he realised that right at this moment his patter wasn’t that great and therefore it was probably best to keep quiet. His nervous tension soon got the better of him though, so he came out with, “Well, so anyway … it’s not your watch?”
“No, it’s not mine,” Elskar confirmed. She then placed a thoughtful look on her face as she added, “Actually … are you sure it’s not yours? I think I remember you wearing it last night.”
‘Ar, man. I’ve dropped myself in it here, like,’ Eric thought to himself. ‘She’s sussed uz.’ And for the first time he felt panic that was based on a realistic feeling. Nevertheless, on the spur of the moment he decided to carry on with the bluff. He studied the watch and furrowed his brow in a contemplative expression. “Nar, I don’t think it’s mine. Although … mebbees, like. My memory’s not that great.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s yours,” Elskar insisted. “You had one on just like it last night … and I think I’ve seen you wearing it before as well.”
Eric realised he was totally sussed and decided to come clean. “Ar … right, well, er … aye, it’s mine.” Elskar gave him a confused look which seemed to say, ‘then why did you ask me if it was my watch when it was clearly yours?’ This filled Eric with an overwhelming urge to explain himself. “Well, just basically, I really like you and all that so … I dunno why I said ‘mebbees see you later’ cos what I really wanted to say was ‘d’you fancy definitely meeting up later on to do something?’ Like, as in definitely. Not as in mebbees. Just cos like I say, I really fancy you and all that.” Eric then subconsciously did the guilty Italian footballer gesture once again. “Like, not in a full-on getting all heavy type of a way. Just in a chilled out way. But not, like … totally chilled out. Like, a canny lot … you know. Like, a lot as in the right amount of a lot. Not as in totally too much for how long I’ve known you. Just the right amount.” Elskar was finding Eric’s nervous tension amusing so she kept quiet in order to prolong his nervousness, and thus make him feel like he needed to carry on talking so that he would therefore carry on amusing her. “So anyway, that’s why I asked you if it was your watch. Cos I just needed an excuse to run after you and make definite plans to see you again rather than just a loose ‘mebbees see you later’ type of arrangement. Cos ‘mebbees see you later’ arrangements are for lasses that are, like, sort of quite good but not exceptional. But you’re…” He was about to say exceptional but realised that this might sound a bit full-on heavy so he racked his brains for a more chilled out word. “…like … well, much better than quite good. Like, you’re, like … well anyway, do you fancy doing something later on?”
“You don’t need an excuse to make arrangements to see me again,” Elskar pointed out.
“Ar, yeah. I know,” Eric mumbled. “But it was just, like, in the spur of the moment and I needed to think of a reason to quickly speak to you again. Like, sometimes when you’ve only got a brief second to make a decision you sometimes make a stupid decision. Like, actually … quite often in my case. Not just sometimes. So, like, obviously the best reason would have been to just come out and say that I like you, rather than asking you if my watch was your watch, cos obviously it’s not your watch. It’s my watch. But, like, I was just, like, totally nervous so my brain wasn’t thinking logically so I didn’t think of the most obvious excuse to talk to you which would have been just to say that you’re sound and all that. Like, as in I’m saying ‘sound’ when really I mean much better than sound. Like, really good.
Like, so anyway, d’you fancy hanging out or doing something or something?”
In some ways it was lucky for Eric that he was talking to an alien lass that spoke a different language because it meant that a lot of his phrases which were quite clumsy in English, such as ‘much better than sound,’ translated really well thanks to the G.O.T. Anyway, Elskar did fancy doing something. “Yeah, I’d like that,” she replied. “So what do you want to do?”
If Eric was being totally ho
nest then what he wanted to do was just spend the next two weeks cooped up in his room getting his perv on with Elskar, but he didn’t want to present himself as being one-dimensional, so he tried to think of something else.
“You’re not really into the beach, are you?” he quizzed.
“Not really,” Elskar replied. “Well, not if you mean sunbathing. I like going down to the beach on a night-time to Hang Out, but sunbathing isn’t really my thing.”
“I thought, like, cos I don’t think I’ve ever seen you on the beach during the day,” Eric reflected, “apart from that one time when you were with your mate in front of the shop and you had your black vest top on with the white pattern down the side and them cool cut-off jeans that you wear. And…” Eric suddenly decided that going into any more detail probably wasn’t a good idea. “Like … not that I’m a stalker or anything!” He quickly did the guilty Italian footballer gesture once again. “I just noticed you cos you were wearing cool clothes. That’s all. I just tend to remember sharp clothes. If you’d only been wearing average clothes then I probably would have forgot … but you weren’t. You were wearing excellent clothes.” Elskar smiled at this so Eric added, “Well actually, you always wear excellent clothes if I’m honest.”
“Thanks,” Elskar thanked. “You wear nice clothes as well.”
“Thanks,” Eric echoed. “And, like, that’s like a genuine thanks cos you’ve obviously got excellent taste. Like, if a lass that wore average clothes had of complimented my clothes I would have been ‘Ar, thanks’ but really I would have been thinking, like, ‘Well, how would you know?’ and I would only have been saying thank you out of politeness. But it’s, like, a total compliment from you cos you’ve got excellent fashion sense.”
“Thanks. So what do you want to do, then?” Elskar asked, getting back to Eric’s original point.
“Ar, right … well, em…” In truth there wasn’t that much to do in Ko Pagna. Eric’s days consisted of sunbathing, eating and hanging out at The Hang Out Club. As Elskar had already ruled out sunbathing he moved onto food. “D’you fancy going for something to eat later on?”
How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy Page 33