How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

by Charles Fudgemuffin

  Cos seeing as how you, me and Garth are the only other people in the galaxy that know about this plan to kill all the Femlings, I strongly suspect that once the plan has been completed they might decide that there’s no benefit to be gained from keeping us alive.

  So if there’s any way you can get the Femlings to give you a lift home then that might be the wise thing to do.

  Anyway, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but hopefully we’ll have managed to contact you before you’ve snogged any fit Femling lasses and we’ll have averted a disaster.

  Monty.’

  Eric stared into space and blinked. Then he stared into space some more. In fact he continued staring into space for approximately the next hour. He was completely numb. Every emotion had been whacked out of him. He was an emotional vacuum. So he continued staring into space for quite some time, his only movement the occasional blinking of his eyes.

  And then, after about an hour or so he managed to curl up into the foetal position. But still his face bore an empty expressionless look. Then there was a point, although Eric couldn’t be sure exactly how much time had passed when he noticed this, when he noticed that his arm was shaking. In fact both arms were shaking. And his head felt like it was going to explode.

  ‘AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!’ he thought to himself. ‘What a chump I am!!!’ He squeezed his head in a futile attempt to make the overwhelming sensation of chumpishness go away, but without success.

  And that was more or less the point when the numbness began to disappear. And in its place came an overwhelming feeling of stupidity and embarrassment at being well and truly suckered. ‘What a muppet! What a complete muppet! Why do I always totally fall for tricks?’ He thought back to Monty’s trick with the gay advice helpline. He had completely fallen for that as well. Although that wasn’t completely the same, seeing as how that was a lush snaky trick that was a canny funny laugh for everyone and had no negative consequences, whereas this was a complete and utter snidey trick with planet-shattering consequences.

  ‘I’m such a complete fool! Given that I quite enjoy playing the occasional lush snaky trick myself, you’d think I’d have gotten a bit better at spotting them when they’re played on me by now. But no … I’m still the total gormless chump that I’ve always been. Nothing’s changed. I’m still the prime candidate target for tomfoolery and japery. Not to mention a planetocidal deception.’ Then, as the master of understatement he added, ‘Ar, hey. This is canny rubbish, like.’

  And then, as he lay there on his bed contemplating the terrible schoolboy error he had made, he gradually came to a harsh realisation.

  ‘I should have realised that you don’t save the world by snogging loads of lasses, like.’ He shook his head in disbelief at his own stupidity. ‘Saving the world tends to follow the old ‘shoot a laser missile into a two metre exhaust shaft’ scenario. That’s what I would have had to do if Jixyl and Azleev had been telling the truth. Or mebbees defeat a big monster with four heads and properly lethal sharp teeth or something. But not snog loads of lasses. Who ever heard of the Earth being saved by snogging loads of lasses?

  For starters, if you were gonna save the world and it involved lasses, then it would be by getting married and being a devoted husband and dedicated father and all that. Cos if everyone did that then the next generation would all be totally class people. Obviously you’d get the odd rubbish kid that would turn out to be a snide, but in general the next generation would be a great improvement on the current generation. Not to knock the current generation cos there’s lots of sound people in the world at the minute as well. But there’s also a canny few dodgy ones as well.

  But if everyone was a perfect husband and father, apart from lasses obviously, they’d have to be perfect wives and mothers, but anyway if everyone was perfect partners and parents then the percentage of rubbish people in the next generation would be much lower than in the current generation. Just cos kids generally take after their parents. Just look at formula 1, for example. Gilles and Jacques Villeneuve. Graham and Damon Hill. Keke and Nico Rosberg. Kids always like to be like their dads. Especially when their dads are excellent.

  So if everyone was an excellent husband and dad then the next generation would be class. And then I wouldn’t fall for some patter about the Femlings wanting to destroy all humans cos of our alleged rubbish quality of life. Cos we wouldn’t have a rubbish quality of life. We’d have an excellent quality of life cos everyone would be totally sound to each other all the time.

  Like, obviously there’d still be some rubbish stuff and all that, like diseases and stuff. But even then if there were more class people then there’d be more people devoting their life to medicine and stuff, so we’d have more cures for stuff. And there wouldn’t be as many criminals so the government could spend less on police and more on hospitals and stuff. And plus, the managing directors of drug companies would be totally sound people instead of money-grabbing shits whose policies cause suffering to loads of people, so all the drugs and stuff would be cheaper so there’d be less waiting lists and stuff.

  So anyway, that’s how you save the Earth. Not by snogging loads of lasses. By being a class father and husband. I know that’s a bit of a gutter when you just want to have fun and all that but it’s true. Like, admittedly it would only be totally effective if everyone in the world carried it out as well, so you’re sort of heavily dependant on everyone else doing it as well, but basically that’s how you save the Earth. By being a class father and husband[95], thereby ensuring that the next generation has a higher percentage of sound people in it than the current generation.

  And I should have realised. But I didn’t. Cos I’m a total chump. What a complete muppet I am. On a scale of one to ten, I’m a seventy six. I know that technically that’s breaking the laws of maths but in this case my level of muppetness is so extreme that I think it even goes beyond the laws of maths. That’s how extreme my muppetosity is. Seventy six. Sixty six points beyond the laws of maths. That’s a lot of muppetosity. Of all the muppets that ever lived I’m the greatest muppet by an absolute mile. Like, if you imagine the gap between me and the second biggest muppet, then it’d be the equivalent of the difference in performance between a McLaren formula 1 car and an electric milk float. That’s how much I out-muppet my nearest contender by.

  Ar, rubbish. Total utter rubbishness. Ar, just think of all the sound people who are probably gonna die now cos of me. Cos of what I’ve unleashed. People like Kesta and Hex. And Elskar. Actually, she’s not a probable. She’s a definite. Although actually she’s not that sound, like. Seeing as how she was a bit of a snide for going in the huff with uz over something so trivial that I don’t even know what it was. And seeing as how she snogged a dude in a cheesy novelty souvenir t-shirt. That was low, like. But apart from those two little blips she was sound, though. She was totally sound.

  Ar, man. Ar, why couldn’t Monty have sent uz his message two days earlier?’

  Eric then remembered that he had first noticed Stella Gascrom yesterday morning while Elskar was in the bathroom. And in all likelihood, she’d probably been there waiting for him to add her as a friend long before that.

  ‘Ar, man. Actually, he probably did. He’s probably been waiting for ages to warn uz but I’ve been too busy enjoying myself to bother checking.’

  And then Eric summed up his thoughts with one final, ‘Ar, rubbish. Total rubbishness.’

  And then once again the numbness returned. The situation was simply too much for his brain to handle, so it reacted by switching itself off. Not literally. He didn’t die or anything like that. But once again he became an emotional vacuum. And again this period of numbness lasted for a considerable length of time.

  But just like the last time, the numbness eventually came to an end. And this time it wasn’t embarrassment that filled the vacuum. Nor was it a feeling of stupidity. This time it was a far more dangerous emotion. An emotion he had felt briefly the previous day. An emotion th
at can motivate people into doing things they normally wouldn’t have the courage to do.

  Anger.

  Anger at being conned by Jixyl and Azleev. Anger at being made to feel stupid. Anger at being tricked into the possible elimination of an entire species. Anger at having an unbearable weight of responsibility forced upon his shoulders.

  So Eric vowed revenge. “The fucking gits,” he quietly uttered to himself in a tone of voice he never usually used. His usual tone of voice was a sort of a light-hearted tone. But the tone of voice he used now was much darker. Even a touch sinister. “The fucking gits are gonna pay.” Slightly louder now. “They’re not gonna get away with this. They’re probably laughing now thinking they’re so clever but I swear they’re gonna come off the losers. This is just the first round. They’ve won the battle but they won’t win the war. This is just the first set. And a tennis match is always best of three sets. So it’s not over yet, even if they think it is.

  Admittedly, this isn’t a tennis match so strictly speaking the scoring system used in a tennis match isn’t totally relevant, but nonetheless my sentiments are totally true. I’m gonna be the winner from now on. I guarantee that. They’ll lose the match. I’ll take the next two sets.

  Although actually, it’s just women’s tennis where it’s best of three. Men’s tennis is best of five and I’m a man so that means I need to take the next three sets. If this was a tennis match, that is. But admittedly, it’s not. But if it was then that’s what I’d do, though. I’d take the next three sets. That’s a promise. Even if I needed to take the next ten sets, I’d still do it. I guarantee that.

  They think the Femlings are all gonna die but they won’t. I guarantee that. I’ll find a way to undo my mistakes. And then once I’ve done that, then I’ll make them pay.” Given that Eric wasn’t a biological genius with the ability to invent cures for diseases within a six month timescale, this was possibly an overly optimistic, or perhaps even hollow promise, but nevertheless Eric’s voice was dripping with sincerity when he said it. Because right at that moment he was thoroughly consumed with a need for revenge. And a need to undo what he had unleashed. Partly because he didn’t want the Femlings to die now that he had discovered that they were totally sound and totally harmless. But also just to spite Jixyl and Azleev.

  Like Yoda quite correctly pointed out, hate leads to the dark side, but it’s also a very powerful emotion. And a very motivating emotion. So right at that moment Eric was feeling very motivated.

  “The fucking gits are gonna pay,” he vowed. “First I’m gonna ensure the virus doesn’t spread any further. Then I’m gonna ensure that the three victims[96] of the Telix-17 virus are somehow cured. And then once the safety of the Femlings is taken care of, the next thing I’m gonna do is take care of Jixyl and Azleev. The fucking gits.” His eyes stared once again into space, but this time it wasn’t a vacant look that they bore. This time it was a look of pure hate. A look of pure anger. A look of pure obsession.

  “I swear … I’ll have my revenge. Jixyl and Azleev might think this is the end but I swear, it’s only the beginning. That’s for sure. It’s not the end. It’s only the beginning.

  Like the saying goes, ‘everything will be okay in the end,’ and right at this moment things are most definitely not okay. Right at this moment things are a million miles away from being okay.

  So that means it’s not the end. There’s a long way to go yet. A long, long way to go. So I guarantee one thing … this isn’t the end. This most certainly isn’t the end.”

  The End

  Nar, man. Just joking. It’s not the end really. Well, not quite the end anyway. I just wrote ‘The End’ for a laugh to make Eric look stupid. Eric’s thoughts actually bantered on for a little bit longer. So this is how it really ends…

  “I guarantee I’ll undo my mistakes. And I guarantee that Jixyl and Azleev will end up the losers. I’ll teach them to make a fool out of me. I don’t know all the details yet, but I know one thing for certain…” An evil smile slowly formed on Eric’s face. “I’ll have my revenge. Oh, yes. I’ll have my revenge.”

  And so Eric set about planning his revenge…

  To be continued…

  Like, as in this is only the first book in a trilogy so therefore there’s another two parts to go so therefore Eric was right when he said it wasn’t the end.

  But now it’s the end, though.

  Of the first book, anyway.

  So I suppose I’d better finish things off officially…

  The End

  Just out of interest, I presume there might be loads of questions swimming through your head at the moment. Like, how did Jixyl get that video of Grand Emperor Fel Skarpander making his ‘Quality Of Life’ speech when we now know that the Femlings are actually totally sound and the ‘Quality Of Life’ proposal doesn’t actually exist? What was Jixyl going to say in Chapter Eight of Part Two before Azleev interrupted him? Will we ever find out Eric’s surname? Why have I wasted the last week of my life reading this rubbish? Or perhaps you’re a fast reader and you’ve only wasted three days of your life.

  Either way, if you want to discover the answers to all of the above questions then you’ll have to buy the next book for that.

  Except that it isn’t out yet cos I haven’t published it yet, so technically you can’t buy it yet.

  Obviously, that’s assuming you’re reading this book not long after it’s just come out. If you’re reading this book a few months down the line then the second book might be out by now. In which case just ignore my previous comment about the next book not being out yet, cos obviously that all depends on when it is you’re reading this book.[97]

  Anyway, I’ve waffled on for long enough, so that’s definitely the end now.

  Not including the second book, which may or may not be out right now, depending on when you’re reading this.

  So anyway, as this is the end I suppose once again I’d better finish things off officially.

  The End

  What? Do you not trust uz or something? It’s the end, man. That’s it. No more. Finito. Slut.

  Actually, that ‘slut’ comment probably confused you so perhaps I’d better explain. ‘Slut’ is Swedish for ‘end.’ I wasn’t calling you a slut. I was just saying it’s the end. In Swedish. So don’t take offence.

  Nothing to see here.

  Move along please.

  © Emmett Gill

  A Note From The Author

  Spoiler alert: The following comments make references to some of the characters and events from the story, so don’t read it until after you’ve read the rest of the book. That’s why it’s at the back of the book. To make sure people don’t read it first and thus spoil the story for themselves. You probably sussed this out in any case but I just thought I’d mention it in case any stupid people are reading this.

  There have been certain books I’ve read, like Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh for example, and also Inconceivable by Ben Elton is another good example of this, when I’ve thought to myself, ‘This seems to be very accurately written,’ and I’ve wondered how much of it is made-up and how much is inspired by real life. Books like those have left me wondering how much of an overlap there is between reality and fiction.

  And then I thought to myself that maybe when people read this book they might wonder the same thing. So just to clarify, all the stuff about the aliens and stuff is made-up … just in case you were wondering. And also that chapter about the magic duck that grows tentacles is made up as well. I hope that’s cleared things up.

  Having said that, there are some examples where I’ve taken my inspiration from real life. Anyone that’s ever been to Koh Pha Ngan in Thailand for example will no doubt have realised where I got the inspiration for Ko Pagna.

  But in general everything’s just made up. Or to use official industry terminology, ‘All characters and events contained within this book are entirely fictional. Any similarity with real people or occurrences is purely coincidental.’


  I know some people will disagree with this statement and see similarities between Eric and myself because admittedly we do have some things in common, but overall we’re canny different. Eric likes carrots for example, whereas I’m not a great fan of vegetables. Eric has a top five list of fantasies whereas I actually have eight fantasies on my list, so Eric clearly isn’t as ambitious or as creative as me.

  Another significant difference is that Eric likes spanking whereas that’s not really my thing. I mean, obviously if a lass started thrusting her bum at uz then I wouldn’t leave her hanging. I’m not that sly. It’d be totally inconsiderate on her feelings to leave her hanging. But in all seriousness spanking is way down my list of stuff I like.

  Also, I’m totally much more cleverer than Eric, like. For the story to work the main character had to be a bit foolish, so I had to make him more stupid than me. Some people that know me are probably thinking, ‘Flip! That’s very stupid indeed!’ but they’ll just be thinking that as a joke and secretly they’ll know that I’m canny clever really. Admittedly I can occasionally have the wool pulled over my eyes as well but I cotton on eventually. I suppose Eric cottoned on eventually though, didn’t he, so maybe we’re more alike than I realise.

  Some of the ways in which we’re alike are probably very obvious to people that know me. For example, there are many parallels between the dialogue Eric and I employ when communicating. Or to put it another way, we both talk canny similar, like.