by Korey Troyer
Cotton candy spider webs swarmed over the skin of the ship as Bob began to focus on a single point in space. A giant bolt of rainbow lighting shot from the nose of the craft and opened the wormhole.
Bob slid into the entrance as it collapsed behind them.
Once inside, the corridor stretched forward in an infinite kaleidoscope tunnel. On the bridge, the room shook violently, but the passengers sat perfectly still in their seats, watching everything rattle and hum.
Tyler’s eyes grew as wide as baseballs. He sat silently as he watched the surrounding show.
When his stomach started to feel queasy, he did as Ethan suggested, staring straight ahead. Lights of every color swirled over the top of them as they gazed up at the transparent roof. The undulating hues overhead gradually slowed until a rainbow stream calmed. The room’s buffeting quieted in tandem with the light show above. Soon everything smoothed out and the boys smiled with relief, until a screaming alarm began to sound.
“Ethan, another ship is trying to stop us with a pulse hook,” Bob’s voice said in an urgent tone. “I am taking evasive maneuvers. Please stay buckled in your chairs.”
For the first time on this journey Tyler truly feared for his safety. He turned to find Ethan looking back at him with an expression that said ‘I have no idea what to do.’ Recognizing the scared expression, Tyler reached over to Ethan and placed his hand on his forearm.
“Ethan, do exactly as I do. I did this this at the museum. Keep repeating over and over, ‘I am brave!’”
Ethan nodded and grabbed Tyler’s hand. The boys started chanting in unison. “I am brave! I am brave! I am brave!”
The intensity and volume of the chant gradually subdued to a slow under-the-breath whisper.
“The attacking ship is an Unu robot probe,” said Bob, having muted the alarm. “The Unu vessel locked onto us with a pulse hook. We are decelerating. I will communicate with them now.”
Ethan shook his head in disgust. “How did they know we were coming? Bob, don’t tell them who is on board. And please let us hear the communications.”
“This is the Ganrean ship, Bob,” Bob said to the Unu craft. “Why are you attempting to stop this diplomatic vessel?”
“We are stopping all Ganrean vessels,” the Unu ship responded in a garbled, robotic voice. “Unu is in dispute with Ganrea, thus we retain the right to determine whether any vessel is carrying weapons or contraband.”
“I am an empty ship returning from a diplomatic delivery,” Bob replied. “I do not have to tell you where or what I delivered.”
By this time, the ships had stopped in the wormhole. The Unu suddenly cut Bob off. “We will board you. Our probes will be in your hangar shortly.”
“If they catch us, we’ll be taken aboard the Unu ship and maybe even sent to Unu,” Ethan stated in a shaky voice.
“Will they hurt us?” “No, they will not harm us, but our mission will be over. The awful thing about the Unu is they have no sense of smell. Unu hardly bathe or keep clean in any way and they constantly break wind. Since they can’t smell, foul odors don’t bother them. It is the grossest, smelliest place in the universe.”
Tyler appeared confused and asked, “Break wind?”
“They fart, Tyler,” Ethan explained, stone faced. “They fart a lot and it is horrendous. Oh and it’s not just one Unu! It’s an entire farting planet. Since they hardly bathe, you can’t imagine the nightmare we’re in for if we’re caught.”
“We have to do something,” Tyler said. “What should we do?”
“You can’t out think a robot,” Ethan replied. “It’s like arguing with a computer.”
Tyler got a sly squint in his eye. “What if we confuse them?”
“Confuse them? I’m not following,” said Ethan.
“Let’s just say something crazy to confuse the robot ship enough to get away. I know when our computer at home gets confused it must be restarted.”
Ethan sat up straight and high-fived him. “Brilliant Tyler! I guess there’s nothing to lose. What sort of crazy stuff do you propose?”
“Jokes!” Tyler said in a cheery tone. “We tell them jokes and tease them.”
“Perfect. Unfortunately, that kind of humor has been gone for centuries on my planet. You’ll have to do this on your own. But wait, we need Bob offline in case he goes nutty too.”
“Bob, please open a line to the Unu ship and shut down until I call you back,” ordered Ethan.
“Are you sure Ethan? You will be completely exposed.”
“Yes Bob, we worked out a plan. Thank you for your concern.”
“Okay, Ethan, time to get silly!” Tyler winked. “Hey knuckle head! What are you doing?”
“Who is speaking?” the robot ship responded.
“Who is speaking?” Tyler replied.
“Who is speaking?” The robot repeated.
“Who is speaking?” Tyler mimicked the robot again.
This interchange went on for minutes. Tyler continued to mimic the robot.
“We will come aboard and remove you,” the robot finally said.
“Knock knock!” Tyler yelled.
The robot did not respond.
“Hey toaster! When I say knock knock, you say who’s there!”
The robot began another preloaded response when Tyler interrupted.
“KNOCK KNOCK, I SAID!”
A series of clicks and pops sounded when Tyler cut in, chiding them in a singsong tone. “I won’t stop until you answer who’s there! So knock knock!”
“Who’s there?” the robot responded.
“Banana.”
“Banana?”
“Knock knock” Tyler repeated, then continued to answer banana for several more minutes until he answered ‘Orange.’
The robot popped and clicked repeatedly. “Orange who?”
“Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?” Tyler laughed.
The Unu ship finally broke the pattern. “This does not compute. What is the reason for this?”
Tyler mimicked the robot again in his own robot voice. “Does not compute. Eeep. Does not compute. Eeep!”
“We demand a cogent response,” the robot commanded. “Who is speaking?”
Tyler ripped out another quick joke. “Hey metal head! I bet you walked in to Walgreens and said ‘hey why aren’t the walls green?’”
“Wha-a-a-a?” The robot voice actually stuttered, “What is a Walgreens?”
“Hey ro-butt!” Tyler screamed. “What do you find at the end of everything?”
The robot crackled and buzzed again. “You know what is at the end of everything?”
“Yeah!” Tyler shouted. “A ‘G’! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
This time the Unu vessel sputtered and made all kinds of funny noises. “What?”
Tyler whipped back a quick “What?”
Unu ship: “What?”
Tyler: “What?”
Unu ship: “What?”
Tyler: “What?”
This went on for at least fifty more times when suddenly, in a loud grainy voice, the robot began to chant. “Power down! Reboot! Reboot! Reboot!”
Bob shook as the enemy vessel pulse hook retracted.
“Holy cow it worked,” Tyler whispered, peering over to find Ethan slack jawed.
“Now this is when an epic fail is awesome! Nice!” cackled Ethan. “I am totally blown away by Earth humor. Now I see how Ganrea has lost its sense of humor. We laugh at joy and happiness but can’t understand the complexities of jokes or sarcasm. I don’t think a joke’s been told in this part of the galaxy in thousands of years. Earth humor must be powerful because I have no clue what just happened.”
The boys started laughing again. “Ethan, I’ll give you my joke book.
You could be the only kid on your planet to tell jokes!”
“You bet Tyler. You’ll have to tell more jokes." “Bob please come back on line.”
“Bob here. What just happened?” asked Bob.
“Well, Tyler used his Earth humor to confuse the enemy ship. It shut down. Can you please scan their vessel and tell us how long we have until they reboot and power up?”
“Approximately six hours until the Unu ship is one hundred percent back on line,” Bob responded.
Ethan rubbed his chin, thinking out loud. “Bob, how far are we from the rendezvous with our contact?”
“Eight hours until we are scheduled to make the switch.”.
“Cool, we have enough time but can’t afford any delays. Bob, please get us out of here as soon as you can. We need to put as much distance as possible between us and the Unu ship.”
After a few minutes Bob was up and running again, flying through the wormhole.
Tyler frowned. He thought they were headed straight to Ganrea and now there was a stop to ‘make a switch?’ “We are going to meet someone?” Tyler asked. “Why?”
“We can’t just fly straight back to Ganrea,” Ethan explained. “The original plan had us making contact with an Unu double agent working for Ganrea. The exchange was to be made on a planet called Clarcona. Unfortunately Clarcona is eight hours away by wormhole and we have less than six. So we need to find a place our rendezvous.”
Tyler peered at Ethan with a very serious expression. “I thought you said the Unu are bad and we’re going to meet one of them! I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Tyler, I understand you may be a bit confused but not all Unu are lazy bullies,” Ethan said. “There is a growing group of Unu which are embarrassed by their planet’s actions and they are worried Unu may collapse. After all, what will they do when they run out of other people’s money? Unu is headed for an ugly end if they don’t change their ways. Some Unus are standing up to the bully leaders. These rebels are called Swivgo.”
“So we’re going to meet a Swivgo secret agent to will bring us to Ganrea?”
“Yes. We needed someone to help us get past the Unu blockade that surrounds my planet.”
Bob’s voice suddenly interrupted their conversation. “Ethan I think we found some locations for you to meet your contact. I can show them to you when you are ready.”