“I’m sorry, baby.”
Not now. I really didn’t want to deal with this now. We had too much going on for me to be feeling this inside out about his drinking.
“Where are you, Xander?” I purposely tried to ignore his apology because it made me feel things I didn’t want.
“I don’t know. Some bar… Need to see you… Coming to see you.”
“No, tell me where you are and I’ll come get you.” There was no way I was ever again letting Xander get behind the wheel drunk.
“A couple blocks from your office.” His breathing was heavy, and I knew he’d had more than one drink.
“Just stay there and I’ll come, okay?” He didn’t respond, but I still heard the noise from the bar in the background as I grabbed my keys and headed out the door.
“Xander?” Silence. But I heard his breaths coming through the line.
“I fucked up, Avery. I just… I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t work, kept thinking about what I did to you—your parents. What I did to her.” He fell silent as I started the car. “I don’t know how to do this. Some people just… don’t deserve love.” He sighed out a breath as his words stole mine. My chest tightened, and I clutched the steering wheel as the phone went dead.
“Fuck!” I slammed my hands against the wheel and laid my forehead on it. I was angry, irritated, and most of all, I was convinced. Convinced I’d fallen so deeply for Xander I wouldn’t be able to push him out of my life. The fact that I was rushing off at two in the morning to find him in some unknown bar only proved it. Despite everything, Xander had the ability to make me drop everything. Xander still had the ability to make me love him.
After going to two bars on the same street as my office, I found Xander at a small pub a few blocks down. He was at the bar. A woman sat on his right side, trying to get his attention, but he was more interested in his shot glass. He held the glass in his hand and spun it as he stared at it. If he was contemplating getting another drink, I wasn’t going to let that happen.
I slid onto the stool beside him, staring straight ahead, purposely avoiding direct contact with him. “Ready to go?”
He turned his attention from the shot glass to me.
“You came.” He sounded amazed I’d actually shown up. He rested his elbow on the bar top and leaned his face on his fisted hand. “Are you angry?”
Furious, actually.
“I just want to get you home safely. Can we leave now?” I was tense, and my words came out through gritted teeth.
He reached out and touched my hair, caressing a lock between his fingers. I was tempted to pull away, but I didn’t want to do or say anything that initiated a heart-filled, alcohol-induced confession. The woman to his right realized she wasn’t gaining his attention tonight and left his side.
I stilled as he buried his fingers into my hair, leaned in, and sniffed me. “You always smell so good… edible.”
I jumped off my stool when I felt his tongue moving up my neck. “Let’s go,” I said, ignoring the heat that had quickly blossomed over that minor touch. I crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow, and he reluctantly stood and followed me out of the bar.
He dozed off, mumbling incoherent words, as I drove to his place. When we got there, I woke him, dug his keys out of his pocket, and led him into the house. I helped him into his bedroom, and that was when I should’ve bailed. But I stayed, pulling off his shoes and jeans before he collapsed on the bed.
As I turned to leave the room, he caught my arm, pulled me, and I fell onto the bed. For an intoxicated man, he was quick. In seconds, he was over me—kissing my neck and nudging up my shirt.
“Xander, stop.” I wished I sounded more convincing. I wished my body wasn’t responding to his touches. His right hand was massaging my breast while his left hand worked the button on my shorts.
Stop him now.
I knew my resistance when it came to Xander was slim, so it would be wise to press the brakes before this turned into a disaster, but despite my pushing against him, he was persistent.
His hand and lips were very persuasive, and I lost all hope when he whispered, “Just let me make you come. God… I just want to hear you moan again.”
His hand shoved down my shorts and began working my clit with his fingers. I was embarrassed that I was already so soaking wet.
Jesus Christ, I missed his fingers… and everything else.
He slid two fingers over my clit then thrust them into my pussy. He dragged them out and over my clit again, then back in. Over and over he teased me with the delicious glide of his fingers over my slit until I was doing exactly what he asked for. Moaning—begging. He pushed up my shirt and bra, exposing my breasts. As he sucked a taut nipple into his mouth, he started to fuck me with his fingers mercilessly. I pushed up into his fingers, rolling my hips and panting as my climax mounted.
I came hard in a sexually induced duplicitous haze that caused me to forget—even for a few short minutes—how disappointed and angry I was with this man. I blamed it on the physical pull. My body was asinine—clueless to how deceitful this man had been to us. It was a carnally hungry savage beast that took its pleasure from Xander despite the resulting agony.
His head was on my collarbone, breaths softly brushing against my skin. He was moments from falling into a drunken stupor with his fingers still buried in my treacherous pussy. Yes, that’s right. I decided to blame it all on my pussy and her unwavering need to feel Xander’s touch.
He sighed, lying half on me, half on the bed. I shifted and his fingers slipped out of me. His other hand rested over my breast. Then he finished me off with a dagger to the heart.
“I love you so much it hurts,” he mumbled.
I choked back a sob as I slipped out from under the heavy weight of his arm, fixed my clothes, and crossed the room. He weakly lifted his head, reaching out for me, but quickly slumped back down and fell asleep.
Out on the patio, I lay on the lounger and gazed up at the stars. Outside, I was still in one piece, but inside, I was shattered. I was in no shape to drive home. So I lay out under the stars and did something I hadn’t done since the night my parents died.
I let go and cried.
I grieved for my parents and sobbed because I was so completely in love with the man who had taken them from me. I didn’t know how to make it stop. I didn’t know how to reconcile the guilt I felt for carrying these feelings for someone I should hate. Love was a complex emotion. You could combine hate, disappointment, resentment, pain, grief, confusion, and add a drop of love, and somehow that emotion took over everything else—rose to the top and controlled everything you were.
The saddest part was Xander knew he had a chance. I knew he had a chance. I loved him beyond reason, and he was taking full advantage of that.
Hangovers
Avery
I woke with a start. The sun was coming up, and a chill passed through me from the early morning breeze. I heard a clattering sound and sat up. I glanced through the glass door that led into Xander’s room, but he was still asleep. A light flicked on in another part of the house, and I heard more noise.
There were two doors leading out onto the patio, and the other one led into the kitchen. I got up, crept around the corner, and peeked through the door. My breath caught when I saw Veronica in Xander’s kitchen.
Her back was to me and the doors were locked, so I made my way back to Xander’s room, came inside through that door, and then went straight to the kitchen.
“What are you doing here?” I demanded, a little too pushy for someone who wanted nothing to do with Xander anymore. But considering his hand had been in my panties hours ago, I presumed that gave me a right to answers. Or so I convinced myself.
She frowned and continued fixing herself a sandwich. Then she shrugged. “I’ve been here for three days,” she said all matter-of-fact.
I watched her move around Xander’s kitchen in her bra and panties as if she were at home. I was angry. I could admit that. Jealous? I wasn’t so eager to ad
mit that, but the twinge was present. It didn’t mean I wanted my place back in Xander’s life; it just meant I wasn’t happy he could so easily replace me, then lure me back in last night with magic fingers and gut-wrenching words that spoke to my heart.
I shook my head and walked back toward Xander’s room. I wasn’t going to spend energy arguing with Veronica when I could get answers from Xander.
“Xander!” I stormed into his room.
“Hmm,” he grumbled, grabbing a pillow and sandwiching his head between it. He was completely nude, curled up on his side with his abs taut and his huge, hard cock on display.
God, I miss that cock. I shook my head to clear the lust that was slowly building and cursed my body for being so weak.
And when the hell did he get naked?
“Xander!”
“Hmmm… hurts…” He moaned. The hangover was hitting him full force.
“Xander.” I crossed my arms, standing over him. He peeked out from under the pillow and flinched.
“So bright.” He squeezed his eyes shut, and I yanked away the pillow. He moaned again before looking at me through narrowed eyes. “You look like an angel.”
“You need to get up. We need to talk before I leave.”
He turned onto his back, rubbing his palm over his face, and I had to turn around because really, there was no need to torment myself with his naked glory.
“Can I shower first?” he grumbled.
I nodded and stood there with my back to him until he got up and went to the bathroom. Then I plopped onto his bed and waited.
Xander came out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and another towel in his hand, rubbing it against his wet hair.
“Why is Veronica here?” I asked first. All the important things we needed to talk about, and I let my jealousy take the front seat.
He didn’t hesitate. “She flew out here after her boyfriend roughed her up. I couldn’t just turn her away.”
“Did you sleep with her?” I studied his face for a reaction.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” He grimaced, then shook his head. “No.”
“How long is she staying?”
“I’m taking her to the airport today. She’s sucking me back into a place I don’t want to be. This place isn’t working out for her anyway.” He pulled off his towel, turned, and pulled out a pair of boxer briefs from his dresser.
I stood and turned my back to him.
“Look, Xander, you can’t pull something like this again, then call me and make me feel like shit,” I said, trying to focus on the wall instead of him parading around naked.
He looked confused. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad.”
“I know, but when you break your sobriety and I know it’s about us, I feel bad.” I sighed. “I mean, you called me and—”
“It won’t happen again.” He stopped moving around and gave me a sincere look of sorrow. I was pretty sure I pushed him over the edge when I ended our phone call the first time, but he obviously didn’t want me to bring it up.
“What are you going to do?”
He sat on the edge of the bed, ran a hand through his wet hair, and hung his head. “I’m going to call my sponsor. It’s not like I can just walk into any random AA meeting without being outed to the press.”
I nodded. “Just talk to someone.”
“Can I talk to you?” he asked in a low tone.
“No, Xander. That would be a horrible idea.”
“Who am I supposed to talk to? Who can I trust with all this?” The desolation in his voice broke my heart all over again.
No one.
I covered my face with my hands and sighed. I knew I shouldn’t, but I was never good at turning away someone who needed me. I knew I was going to help him, but what’s worse, I knew I wanted to do more than just help him. I wanted to understand him. I wanted to know what made him this controlling, obsessive man. I couldn’t blame him for being controlling. I thought I had perfect control over my life before all this started. But with Xander, his extremes brought him to the edge, and in a way, maybe I wanted to know why. But I was afraid if I did know, I’d make excuses for his behavior just to convince myself I could have him again.
“Please.” He pleaded with his eyes.
Fuck, why am I always so weak with him?
“If we do this, no talking about us getting back together.”
He nodded his acceptance, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips.
“You can come in Monday at our regularly scheduled time.” My lunch hour. We’d kept up that appointment, but I usually blocked out the session afterward because Xander tended to be needy in many ways… but not this time.
“Thanks,” he said, slanting a glance up at me from his seat on the bed.
“Don’t thank me. Maybe I’m doing this for me too… Maybe it will give us closure.”
“Don’t say that.” This time his head snapped up and his green eyes bored into me.
I shrugged, then walked out before Xander started stating all the reasons I shouldn’t give up on us. It was bad enough my heart was already making a list for that very same reason.
Mended Bonds
Avery
After my long Friday night with Xander and subsequently enduring morning, I decided to go visit Susan. The visit was long overdue, because I wouldn’t feel better about what happened until I saw her improvement with my own eyes.
When I walked into her room, she was up, moving around, packing her things. She froze and smiled nervously when she noticed me standing in the doorway. I wasn’t sure if coming was the right decision, but before I made an escape, she said, “Come in.”
I didn’t know if I should sit or stand, but the uncomfortable feeling in the room was something that had never existed between Susan and me.
“Okay, this is weird. This isn’t us.” Susan voiced exactly what I was thinking, and I smiled because we always got each other like that. She returned the smile, grabbed my hand, and led me to two chairs near the window.
We sat, all along Susan holding my hand. “I know you think my heart attack was your fault, and that’s nonsense. I’ve had this condition for years, and nobody could’ve predicted when this would happen.”
I looked down at our hands. For some reason, I couldn’t look her in the eyes. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I shouldn’t have worked you up.”
“You didn’t. If anything, I was responsible because of my own guilt. You weren’t far off when you said we were trying to atone.”
“Still, you’re like a mom to me, and I shouldn’t have talked to you that way,” I insisted.
“Oh, dear, you had every right to talk to me any way you chose. I’m surprised you didn’t rip my head off. I deserved it.”
I finally looked up into her eyes, and we smiled. “I’d never do that.”
“I know.”
“Where do we go from here?” I couldn’t continue hating Susan for trying to help her son and, in turn, becoming someone special in my life.
“That’s completely up you. Just know I love you… and so does Xander.”
I pulled my hand away from her and looked away. “I want you to be part of my life, but the whole Xander thing… That’s up in the air.”
“I understand. You take your time and do whatever’s right for you. I’ll be here if you need me.”
I nodded as I stood up and looked around, my gaze falling on her bag. “So you’re leaving today.”
“Yeah, Xander will be here in an hour.”
And that’s my cue to leave. I reached out and grabbed her hand, squeezing it lightly. “I’ll come visit you again soon”
“I’d like that.”
I dropped her hand and left before I had to deal with another confrontation with Xander. On my way out, I sent Ellie a text message to meet me at my office on Monday. If I was going to tie up all the loose ends in my life, I needed to talk things out with everyone involved. And I missed Ellie like crazy.
&n
bsp; ~*~*~
By Monday morning, I was sitting in my office, facing Ellie, and that odd uncomfortable feeling filled the room again. She came to see me before her classes. She wore a pair of sweats and a T-shirt, her blonde hair in a long French braid down her back. I still remembered braiding her hair every night and teaching her to do it for herself before I left her. I didn’t think she wore them as a fashion statement. She braided her hair because it was nostalgic.
“Are you still stripping?” I don’t know why that was my first question. I was nervous about her being out late at night and being stalked by a customer. I’d stayed up many nights thinking of the dangerous situations she could be getting herself into. Maybe I was overly paranoid, but Ellie had always set off my protective instinct.
She shook her head.
“Where are you staying?”
“A friend of mine has an apartment off campus. I sleep on her couch.” Her eyes darted around the room. Since she’d walked in, she avoided direct eye contact with me.
“I want you to come home.”
Her eyes widened, and she looked at me like that was the last thing she expected to happen. “Are you sure?” she asked cautiously, but I saw her reining in her excitement.
“Yeah, I miss you. I’m not saying I’m not still pissed at you, but I want you home.”
“Okay.” She smiled shyly.
“And I don’t know if I trust you.”
“I understand.” She put her head down, staring at her folded hands. She was awfully quiet, only responding to my questions with no input.
“Is there anything you want to say?” I didn’t want her to feel like she was here to be interrogated. I wanted us to have a two-way conversation.
She looked up and bit her lip. “I know you don’t trust me, but the thing with Xander—”
I held up a hand and stopped her. “I can’t handle your thing with Xander.”
“I know you love him, and I’m sorry. I wish I could change how things happened, but I can’t. If it means anything to you, it meant nothing. He wasn’t even the same person as the man you were with.”
“And I still don’t know which version of him is the real one.”
Lie to Me (Sexual Misconduct Volume III) Page 6