by Dyan Sheldon
Kuba squeezed my hand. “Oh, she’ll let you keep them,” she assured me. “Don’t you worry about a thing.”
My eyes went back to the trainers. They really were phenomenal.
“OK,” I relented. “I’ll go. For the shoes. But I’m not protecting anybody but myself, is that clear? I am not getting involved in Archie Spongo’s problems.”
“Pack a torch,” said Kuba. “You never know when it might come in handy.”
BOMB VOYAGE
Kuba brought the trainers over the next morning. She told my mother they were a present from her and Mrs Bamber to thank me for saving the woods. My mother thought this was such a lovely gesture that she didn’t even hear the word “Reebok”.
The trainers looked even more brilliant in daylight. I put them on straight away. Since Kuba’s much taller than I am, I was afraid they’d be too big, but somehow they fitted me perfectly.
“They look cool,” said Kuba.
“They look very nice,” said my mother.
Gertie liked the way they glowed in the dark.
At exactly seven forty-five, as Kuba had promised, we pulled out of the Bambers’ drive in Mrs Bamber’s silver Porsche. I sat in the back, admiring my feet the entire way.
Things didn’t start to go wrong until we actually got on the bus.
There were four teachers on the trip: Mr Palfry, Mrs Smiley, Ms Kaye and Mr Bombay. Three of them were already on the bus by the time we arrived, but Mr Palfry was standing by the door with a clipboard, checking everybody off as they climbed the steps. Despite these precautions, there was a mad scramble to get on and get the best seats.
Kuba was ahead of me. I caught a glimpse of Eddie and Mark at the back of the bus as we shuffled up the aisle. I tugged at Kuba’s arm. “Let’s sit up here,” I suggested.
Kuba was looking straight ahead of her. “Where angels fear to tread…” she said softly.
I wasn’t sure what she meant. In my experience of angels, they don’t fear to tread anywhere. I peered round her arm. Archie Spongo was sitting in the seat in front of Mark and Eddie, smiling in his bewildered, hopeful way.
The idea that, just perhaps, we should have warned Archie about Eddie’s master plan sort of whizzed through my mind.
Kuba turned round to look at me. “It’s too late for that,” she said, as though I’d spoken out loud. “You’ll have to go to plan B.”
Since I hadn’t realized that there was a plan A, I had no idea what plan B was meant to be.
“What?” I asked.
But Kuba wasn’t looking at me any more.
Someone was calling her.
“Kuba! Kuba!” It was Ariel Moordock. Ariel was right at the front by the door. She was patting the seat beside her in an enthusiastic way. “Come and sit with me!” she called.
Personally, I couldn’t work out why Kuba liked Ariel. She reminded me of a Barbie doll because of her blonde ponytail and the fact that she always wore pink. And she never stopped talking – a Barbie doll wired for sound.
“You, of all people, shouldn’t judge a book by its cover,” Kuba hissed in my ear. And then she smiled back at Ariel. “Brilliant!” she shouted.
I gaped at her with a look that I could only hope expressed the total horror I was feeling.
Hey, what about me? I was thinking. Who am I meant to sit with?
Kuba smiled. “The correct word is whom, not who,” she said helpfully.
I was really irked. I hate it when she corrects my English, and I hate it when she reads my mind, but at that moment what I really hated was the fact that I knew exactly what she was thinking.
“No,” I whispered. I shook my head. “I don’t care what you say. I’m not sitting with Archie Spongo.”
Kuba, however, wasn’t there. While I was shaking my head and being firm, she somehow got past me and slipped into the seat beside Ariel.
“Elmo!” It was Mr Palfry. He was standing by the door, waving his clipboard in my direction. “Elmo, you’re blocking the way. Go and sit next to Archie. I want to get this show on the road.”
We hadn’t even left the car park and already I didn’t like the way things were going. Being forced to sit next to Archie was a complication I hadn’t counted on, but I thought of Bill Gates, living on junk food and working for nothing all those years, and I took courage. Never say die, I told myself. It’s always darkest before the dawn… You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink…
Sitting with Archie didn’t have to change my position. I had my trainers; all I had to do was survive the next few days and I’d be able to enjoy them. I might have to sit next to Archie, but I didn’t have to look after him. I didn’t even have to talk to him if I didn’t want to.
I squeezed past him to the window seat, and then I folded my arms across my stomach and stared straight ahead, preparing myself for a long, silent journey.
Eddie and Mark were too busy mucking about at first to pay much attention to either Archie or me. You’d think they’d escaped from their cage, the way they carried on. They talked and joked behind us; they kicked our seats and threw crisps at each other; they fought over whose turn it was on Eddie’s Game Boy.
Every once in a while one of them would remember they were meant to be friends with Archie and would call out, “Right, Archie?” as though he had some vague idea of what they were talking about.
Archie always nodded and said, “Right.”
And every once in a while one of them would lean over the seat and point something out through the window – “Look, Archie, there’s a horse!” or “Look, Archie, there’s a water tower!” – and Archie would look and nod as though he’d never seen a horse or a water tower before.
I decided on a policy of invisibility. I pretended I wasn’t there. So even though I really love chess, I said I didn’t want to play a game of chess on Archie’s travel set. I also didn’t want to play a game of draughts. And I also didn’t want to hear about Archie’s dog.
“It’s not really mine; it’s my aunt’s,” explained Archie. “It can say ‘I love you’, ‘hello’ and ‘sausages’.”
Laughter spluttered behind us.
“Sau-sa-ges,” said Eddie in a deep, thick voice. “Sau-sa-ges.”
“I don’t really like dogs,” I lied.
Archie said, “Oh.”
He wanted to know if I’d like half of his chocolate bar.
I said I didn’t care for chocolate either.
Mark said, “Yeah, thanks!” – and snatched the whole bar out of his hand.
Archie smiled. Then he reached in his pocket and took out another packet. “Gum?” asked Archie.
Eddie took the gum.
I slumped down in my seat and stared out of the window, being invisible and uninvolved.
Archie finally gave up trying to talk to me. He got out a book and started to read. I became absorbed in watching the traffic and the occasional sheep or cow. The movement of the coach made me sleepy and relaxed. I was drifting off, thinking about my new trainers, when Archie put his book away and took something else out of his bag.
I glanced over. He was holding a metal box on his lap. I’d never seen anything like it before. As my grandmother always says, “Curiosity killed the cat”, and curiosity made me reckless.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“I’ve got my lunch in it.” I was used to seeing Archie smile, but this smile was different. He was really pleased. “Isn’t it great? My dad gave it to me. It’s his mess tin from the army.”
Which explained why I didn’t recognize it; the Blues are not a military family.
“Yeah,” I said. “It’s cool.”
This was all the encouragement Archie needed. He held up the mess tin so I could get a better look.
Which meant that Mark and Eddie got a better look too, of course.
“Hey, what’s that?” Eddie whistled sharply. “I don’t believe it! Archie’s got a bomb!”
There was a splutter of mirth behind us, and the
n Mark joined in.
“Archie’s got a bomb!” he echoed.
“Watch out!” hollered Eddie. “Spongo’s armed!”
People looked up from their lunches and conversations, curious as cats.
The usual smile of confusion settled on Archie’s face. He laughed nervously. He knew there was a joke, but, as often happened, he wasn’t sure what it was.
Then Jamie Keegan, who was sitting behind Mark and Eddie, started to chant. “Bomb … bomb … bomb … bomb…” boomed Jamie. “Bomb … bomb … bomb … bomb…”
More kids looked up.
Mark hurled himself on the floor, his arms over his head. “It’s going to go off!” he screamed. “It’s going to go off!”
Archie laughed when everyone else laughed.
I don’t know how she knew what was going on, since as far as I could tell she hadn’t stopped talking since Kuba sat down, but Ariel Moordock started to scream. She sounded like a really fast dentist’s drill.
Mrs Smiley shot up from her seat like a jack-in-the-box.
“Quiet!” she shouted. “Everybody quiet! For heaven’s sake, Ariel, stop shrieking like that.”
Not only did Ariel not stop shrieking like that, but the rest of the girls started shrieking like that too. Except, that was, for Kuba Bamber. Kuba turned round and looked at me. She was glaring.
I slumped down a bit more in my seat and looked away.
“Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!” shrieked Ariel. “Archie’s got a bomb!”
“Don’t be ridiculous!” roared Mrs Smiley. “Archie’s got his lunch.”
Staggering a bit as the bus veered round a bend, Mr Palfry stepped into the aisle.
“Calm down!” He clapped his hands. “Everybody just calm down! Now!”
“Bomb … bomb … bomb,” grunted the boys. “Bomb … bomb … bomb…”
Archie continued to sit there with that stupid smile on his face. I felt like shaking him. I felt like screaming at him to stop smiling. Stop smiling! I wanted to shout. Can’t you see you have nothing to smile about?
“Pull over!” Mr Palfry bawled at the driver. “Pull over at once!”
The driver glanced at him in the rear-view mirror. “This is a luxury coach, sir, not a Mini,” the driver informed him. “I can’t just stop because you tell me to.”
It was while Mrs Smiley was trying to calm everybody down and Mr Palfry was yelling at the driver that Eddie made his move. He reached over the seat and grabbed the mess tin from Archie’s hands.
Archie was like a rabbit frozen in the headlights of a car; he didn’t even try to get it back. He just sat there, looking at his empty hands as if he couldn’t work out what had happened.
Eddie tossed the mess tin to Mark.
“Bomb!” shouted Mark, holding it over his head. “Watch out for the bomb!”
That broke the spell. Archie started shaking like my grandfather’s vibrating chair. “My dad’s mess tin!” he wailed. “My dad’s mess tin!”
“Eddie!” Mr Palfry was looking a bit red in the face from shouting loud enough to be heard. “Eddie, give me that this instant!”
Eddie held up his empty hands. “I haven’t got it, sir.”
“My dad’s mess tin!” wailed Archie. “My dad’s mess tin!”
If I hadn’t been following a policy of non-involvement, I would have told him to shut up, that he was only making it worse. But I was invisible, so I didn’t.
“Mark Crother!” roared Mr Palfry. “Either you give me that box right now or we’re turning round and going home.”
Mark looked really surprised to discover that Mr Palfry was so upset.
“We’re only mucking around, sir.” He held the kit up. “Here! Catch!”
Mr Spongo’s mess tin flew through the air in a pretty bomb-like way.
To give him credit, Mr Palfry almost caught it, but he was sort of pinned in the aisle and didn’t have much mobility. His fingers stretched, but all they touched was air. The mess tin sailed past them, heading for disaster, otherwise known as the windscreen of our luxury coach.
It was Kuba Bamber who stopped it. Except for the driver, who was trying to drive, she was the only person not watching the progress of Mr Spongo’s mess tin. She was standing up to get her own lunch box from the rack. If she had been any shorter, it would have gone right over her head. And if she hadn’t been wearing her old wide-brimmed hat, it probably would have knocked her out.
“Kuba!” cried Mr Palfry. “Are you all right?”
Calm amid the general hysteria, Kuba picked up the mess tin and handed it to Mr Palfry.
“I’m fine,” she assured him. Her sweet smile turned to a look of concern. “But I’m afraid the box is dented.”
The bus wheezed to the side of the road.
Looking shaken, Mr Palfry leaned against his seat. “All right now, just settle down!” He put on his most intimidating face and turned to Eddie and Mark. “I’ll talk to you two later.” He took the mess tin from Kuba and gave it back to its rightful owner. “Are you all right, Archie?” asked Mr Palfry.
Archie burst into tears.
WELCOME TO WYNDACH
After he calmed Archie down, Mr Palfry had his talk with Mark and Eddie. He was cold and angry, and Mark and Eddie were apologetic and desperate not to be misunderstood.
I closed my eyes, so Mr Palfry would know I wasn’t involved.
“We’re really really sorry, Mr Palfry,” said Eddie. His voice was limp with sincerity. “Really sorry. We were just having some fun, weren’t we, Mark? We didn’t mean any harm.”
“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “We were just having some fun.”
Eddie put a hand on Archie’s shoulder. “We never meant to get you so upset, Archie,” said Eddie. “You’re our friend.”
It was enough to break your heart.
Archie swallowed hard. “I know we’re friends,” he mumbled. “I know you were having fun. It’s just that it was my dad’s mess tin…” He cleared his throat. “Perhaps I reacted too much.”
“You did,” said Eddie. “You reacted much too much. You took it all wrong. It was just a joke.”
I opened my eyes. I was almost tempted to interrupt this heart-wrenching scene with some pointed remark of my own (something like, Yeah, a joke like World War II was a joke), but I managed to resist.
“You know, just a joke between mates,” Eddie went on. “We’re really sorry, Archie,” he repeated. “We won’t do anything like that again.”
I nearly laughed out loud at that. Yeah, sure, I thought. Not until the next time.
Mr Palfry, however, didn’t share my cynicism.
“Well, I should hope not,” said Mr Palfry. “I expect this to be the end of it.”
“Say you forgive us,” pleaded Eddie. His hand jutted out between me and Archie. “Say we’re still friends.”
Archie reached up and shook Eddie’s hand. “Friends,” agreed Archie.
I closed my eyes again.
Camp Wyndach was as like Disneyland Paris as a milk float is like a silver Porsche. There were no bright lights, no rides, no Mickey Mouse, no nothing except for vegetation. My mother would have loved it. It was stuck in the middle of what Mr Palfry described as a picturesque valley.
“This is a very picturesque valley,” said Mr Palfry grandly. He gestured towards the trees, and the mountains, and the mud. “It’s a favourite spot for photographers and painters.”
It was unfortunate that there weren’t any painters or photographers on the bus with us. Despite Mr Palfry’s enthusiasm nobody else looked particularly excited as we churned down the narrow, muddy trail.
Ariel pointed through the windscreen. “Is that it?” she asked. She sounded as if she’d been hoping for a little more.
Way down at the end of the rut we were in, you could see a few rustic hovels huddled in the shadows of the mountains. From where we were, they looked like they were probably left over from some prehistoric settlement.
Mr Palfry nodded happily. “That’s it! Isn’
t it terrific?”
No one – not even one of the other teachers – actually answered this question one way or the other. Ariel wasn’t the only one who’d been hoping for a little more.
As we got closer you could see that the rustic hovels were several small wooden cabins and two larger stone lodges.
In her pink tracksuit and pink anorak, Ariel looked like a Barbie doll that’s just suffered a major disappointment. “Does it have indoor toilets?” she asked.
“Of course it does,” Mr Palfry assured her. He laughed. “And electricity.”
“Well, thank God for that,” said Ariel.
Personally, at that exact moment I wouldn’t have cared if we had to dig our own trenches and rub two sticks together to get a fire going. I had other things on my mind. The calm after the bomb scare had started me brooding and the horrible truth had finally dawned on me. Despite what I’d told her about me and Eddie, and despite what I thought we’d agreed, Kuba Bamber had set me up. She’d never intended to sit with me on the bus. She’d probably had a pretty good idea all along of what might happen between Archie and Eddie, and she’d expected me to intervene. Me! It was the sort of devious thing angels do. The fact that I’d managed to stay invisible despite her interference made me feel almost proud, but I could see that I was going to have to make a very firm stand – to state my position clearly – before she did something else to get me involved.
I was one of the first off the bus. I wanted a quiet word with Mr and Mrs Bamber’s adopted daughter before she disappeared into the girls’ lodge and I lost any chance of talking to her alone.
You’d think Kuba knew I was waiting for her, the amount of time it took her to get off the bus. Everyone else gathered round the luggage hold while she made a big production of checking under the seat and up in the rack to make sure neither she nor Ariel had left anything behind.
“Oh, I don’t know…” Kuba was saying as she and Ariel finally came slowly down the steps. “I think it’s really interesting here. Try to picture it when it was a Roman outpost.”
“It still looks like a Roman outpost,” said Ariel. “And anyway, what’s the big deal? The whole of Britain was a Roman outpost.”