by Sophie Blue
I laugh. “Yeah, it tends to get a bit rowdy. They love a good excuse to party. My Gram and Pops used to bring me here every year. This is the first time I’ve been since they passed.”
I feel her hand taking mine and giving it a squeeze, and I’m grateful for the action. It’s a strange feeling, opening up to someone. I grieved when I lost my grandparents, of course I did. But I never really talked about them with anyone. I didn’t feel like I could, scared the grief would overwhelm me, somehow emasculate me. But with Charlotte, it feels good to talk about them. Remember them and all the joy they brought to my life. I don’t feel like less of a man for discussing my feelings, I feel stronger. More alive because she’s by my side.
A group of teenagers are laughing up ahead, taking silly group selfies and pulling faces. I smile at the carefree attitude they have, but feel Charlotte tense up beside me. Her demeanour changes in a heartbeat and she freezes.
“You ok?” I ask, taking her other hand in mine and turning her to face me. She’s turned white as a sheet and looks like she’s about to faint. Her breathing is laboured and she looks terrified, it makes my chest ache.
“Charlotte, sweetheart? Talk to me.” I take her coffee and put it down with mine, turning all my attention to the woman before me.
“Can’t breathe. Panic attack.” She manages to pant, I take her face in my hands and bring her focus to me. It was stupid to bring her here. I knew she got anxious around crowds, but I still brought her to the biggest gathering of people in the state.
“You’re ok, sweetheart. Deep breaths. It’s just you and me, ok? Watching the sunrise on the beach.” Stroking her cheek with the pad of my thumb, I mimic the deep breaths she should be taking, ignoring the curious glances passing people throw our way.
Her breathing is still frantic, her hands have moved to grip mine on her face. The terror in her face wrecks me. What happened to shatter this incredible woman in front of me? What did her ex do to her?
“Can… we… go?” she gasps out and I nod, wrapping an arm around her waist and guiding her away from the crowd. She clings to me like I’m her life raft in a tempestuous ocean, and she’s being pulled under.
Chapter 11
Charlotte
“Do you want to talk about earlier?” Ollie asks, handing me a mug of coffee which I gratefully accept. We’re back at the beach house now, sitting on the sofa, and the mortification is setting in.
“It was just a panic attack. I get them sometimes. Sorry you had to witness it,” I whisper, mortified that he saw me at my worst. Good going, Charlotte.
I thought I was making progress. Letting go of my fears and just enjoying the here and now. But when I saw those kids with their phones, taking pictures they’d no doubt upload to social media, I felt sick. What if someone recognised me?
“Don’t apologise. Maybe talking about it will help?” His tone isn’t pushy, it’s friendly and reassuring. Despite my irrational fears, I feel safe here, with him.
Sighing, I take another sip of my coffee. Unsure of where to start. “I’m not a fan of having my photo taken.”
“Few people are.” He smiles playfully, and I let out a breath I didn’t realise I was holding, my shoulders dropping.
“Smartphones make me anxious. Technology is amazing. Being able to keep in touch with friends and family all over the world at just the touch of a button is incredible. I’m not knocking that. But it’s also terrifying. It’s there forever. No taking it back. Even if you delete it, it could have been screenshot and sent to multiple people by then. One flippant comment made years ago, one awful photo, can find its way back to haunt you. The most humiliating part of your life can be viewed again and again for people’s amusement and there is nothing you can do about it. It is brutal and terrifying.
“I panic if I see someone taking a photo where I may be in the shot, worrying it may end up on social media. How pathetic is that? I’m terrified of being seen.”
“I get it. You’re desperate to fade into the background. Go through life unnoticed. But sweetheart, I notice you. You’re all I see.” His words make me gasp, causing butterflies to take flight in my stomach. His hand finds mine and the warmth of his touch seeps into my skin, thawing the ice in my veins.
“I’m scared, Ollie. So scared.” I admit, looking into his dark green eyes and seeing nothing but compassion. He squeezes my hand, rubbing his thumb over my fingers in a soothing gesture.
“You never have to be afraid with me. You can trust me, Charlotte. I promise.”
Staring into his eyes, I can see the sincerity in them shining back at me. I truly believe he would never hurt me, that he would have my back. Not because he’s my brother’s best friend, but because he’s a good man. A great man. And he cares about me.
“I know,” I whisper in return.
“Will you ever tell me your story?” Ollie says, as he lets go of my hand and we sit in the living room, sipping our coffee. The silence is stifling. I feel like I’m suffocating in my own head.
“It’s embarrassing and makes me feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it.” Squeezing my eyes shut at the thought, I take a deep breath and shake my head.
“I want to help.” His hand rests on my knee and the warmth from the gesture floods my body once again.
“You have. You have no idea how much you have.” And it’s true. I’ve felt more like myself these past few weeks than I have in as long as I can remember.
Ollie
I stand to take my now empty mug to the kitchen, thinking I should stop pushing her if she isn’t ready, when I hear her whisper.
“My ex cheated on me.” Her soft confession surprises me, and I freeze where I am, in case she continues.
She doesn’t.
“That says more about him than you, sweetheart.” What an idiot. Who would cheat on the perfect woman?
“I only found out when he proposed to the other woman live on social media.”
Well, fuck me. That I was not expecting.
“What?” I turn to face her and wait for her to continue. She’s leaning forward, her arms wrapped around her knees, as if she’s trying to protect herself from the painful memories. It physically pains me to see her like this. I’d do anything to take it away.
“I’m surprised you didn’t see the video. It was liked and shared so many times, became quite the hit. I was tagged in it constantly. People I didn’t know started commenting on my relationship. Either pitying me or mocking me. To be honest, I’m not sure which is worse.”
Walking back over to the couch, I sit and take her hand in mine. She sends me a grateful smile. I figured something bad had gone down with her ex, but this? I never expected this.
“My heart sunk when I saw the video. I couldn’t believe it. It was awful finding out that our relationship was over. But the aftermath was worse. The constant whispers, the looks of pity, the giggling, the keyboard commentators on my life. And there was nothing I could do. The joys of social media and all that. Once it’s out there, it never goes away. It went viral.”
“Fuck, no wonder social media makes you anxious. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. That’s not something you should have had to deal with. I hate that he did that to you. But I can’t help but be a little grateful.” Tracing soft circles on her hand, I feel her tense at the last confession.
Her head snaps up in shock. “Grateful?”
“Yeah. If he hadn’t been such a colossal asshole, then you wouldn’t be here now. And the selfish bastard that I am, is really happy that you are.” I send her a cheeky smile and she laughs, the sound causing heat to radiate in my chest.
“I guess everything does happen for a reason, right?” A small smile graces her face. Not her usual light up the room smile, but a smile nonetheless, and that makes me far happier than it should.
“So they say. Though I’ve never really believed it until now,” I say, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear and tilting her chin up so she’s facing me. All rational thought leaves me. The
world fades away and it’s just the two of us. “He never deserved you.”
Leaning forward, I kiss her like she deserves to be kissed. By a man that sees what a gift she is.
Chapter 12
Ollie
After our kiss last night, we talked and talked until her eyes kept drifting shut. I didn’t want to push her into something when she’s still healing, so I said goodnight like a gentleman and we went our separate ways.
Sleep eluded me most of the night, so I made myself a coffee and sat out on the bottom step of the porch staircase, ready to witness the sunrise. The pinks and oranges are breath-taking. This here is one of my favourite things. The peacefulness of the location, the hope of a new day.
I hear her before I see her. The screen door opens and closes and the creaky boards of the porch tell me she’s at the top of the stairs. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up in awareness, and I feel my heartrate pick up.
“Morning,” I say, turning to smile up at her. With her blonde hair loose, blowing in the slight breeze and her eyes fixated on the ocean, she looks carefree. Beautiful.
She snaps out of her trance and looks down at me with a shy smile.
“Morning, sorry to interrupt.” In her pale blue sundress, she looks like an angel standing at the top of the stairs looking down to where I’m perched.
“Not at all.” Standing, I make my way up the stairs toward her. “If I’m up early enough, I like to sit out here and watch the sunrise.”
“It’s so peaceful here. I can see why you love it,” she says, leaning against the railing and taking a sip of her coffee. The soft fabric of her dress rides up as she leans over the railing and I advert my eyes, not wanting to wake my cock up this early.
“Gram used to sit out here and watch the sun come up. I used to set my alarm to come down and sit with her. She said it was a healing process. To see a new beginning, the start of a new day. To know that what happened yesterday is now in the past and today you can write a new chapter in your story.”
“I like the sound of that. She sounds like an amazing woman,” Charlotte says, smiling at me over the rim of her coffee mug.
“She really was,” I say, smiling at the memory of her sitting on this porch and telling me about the beach. She had such a zest for life.
“I love the beach. Living in the city, I don’t get to see the sea as much as I would like. There’s something so calming about it, don’t you think?” A soft sigh leaves her lips and I watch her take in the view as if she is committing it all to memory. I take the moment to study her face, her soft lips that were pressed to mine last night. I know I’m crossing a line. But I really can’t bring myself to stop.
“I do. Gram used to have this theory.” I chuckle at the passion with which she’d tell me this. “She said the ocean had healing properties. That if you stand at the edge and feel the tide run up your feet, it’s washing away your troubles. She used to say the ocean was listening when you told it your dreams, and they rode in on waves and crashed at your feet on the shore.”
“That’s a nice thought,” Charlotte agrees, taking another sip of her coffee and looking over at the ocean. She looks deep in thought for a moment and I don’t interrupt. Finally, she lets out another sigh and says, “I wish it could wash away my anxiety.”
Looking over at her again, I really feel for her. She didn’t ask for this. She’s a wonderful woman who deserves to be happy. Her ex did a number on her, and she hasn’t taken the time to heal.
“Why don’t we go give it a go?” I ask suddenly, putting my empty mug down on the table and moving to the stairs. She needs to start healing, and I want to be the one to help her.
“What?” Tilting her head at me like I’ve suddenly grown another one, she scrunches her nose up in confusion and it’s adorable.
“Let’s go put our feet in the ocean and see if it heals us,” I say, aware of how crazy it sounds, but why the hell not? Gram believed it and she was one of the smartest women I knew.
She looks at me like I’m crazy, but nods and puts her mug down next to mine before following me down the stairs. Once we get to the beach, I take off my sneakers and motion for her to do the same. She rolls her eyes and slips off her sandals, leaving them on the bottom step.
Grabbing her hand, I walk us up to the ocean, where the tide is lapping at the shore. The feel of her soft skin against mine has my pulse racing.
Looking over at her, I say, “Gram used to say that you needed to tell the ocean your troubles, then step into the water to let it wash them away.”
She looks sceptical and I chuckle. I do sound crazy, I accept that. But hey, what’s a little crazy between friends?
“Come on, sweetheart. Humour me, ok?” Letting go of her hand, I turn to the ocean and let out a breath. “I want to be able to open myself up to people again, without the fear of being taken advantage of or hurt. I want to move forward with my life and stop looking back.”
Once I’ve got that off of my chest, I take a step into the water and bite back a curse at the feel of the cold liquid coating my feet. I smile as it rushes up the beach then falls back, taking my words with it into the vast ocean beyond. I imagine it taking my troubles away like Gram said it would and I smile. I do feel lighter. Granted it is probably in my head, but I’ll take it.
Turning to Charlotte, I motion for her to do the same. With a sceptical look which gives way to a small smile, she looks out toward the immense body of water and inhales deeply.
“I want to stop being afraid to live. I want to enjoy my life and not worry about what others think about me. It’s exhausting. Hiding away from everything, always being on my guard. I want to be free.” She exhales then steps into the water and lets out a small squeal as she feels the cold water around her ankles.
Laughing, I look over to her and smile. She’s so much braver than she realises.
“You know, I understand why it makes you anxious. I do. But is it not better to be scared and do something anyway, than live your life hiding away from anything that could hurt you? So what if someone sees a photo of you? So what if someone hears you sing out of tune? Who cares? News flash: no one is perfect, sweetheart. No one.”
“You make it sound so reasonable.” She attempts a laugh but it sounds feeble, even to me. Her shoulders are hunched as she watches the water.
“I’m not making light of your fears. I get it, truly I do. I just hate to see you hide away from the world when you have so much to offer it. You’re so much stronger than you realise.” Reaching for her soft hand, I give it a squeeze and enjoy the warmth of it.
“I want to be. I don’t want to become a crazy cat lady who avoids everything.” She gives me a little laugh, and I smile in return. I run my thumb up and down the back of her palm as we stand on the beach and open up to each other.
“So don’t. Let’s start small. Let me take you to dinner tomorrow night. A proper date, surrounded by other people. Let me show you that with the right person by your side, it doesn’t have to be scary.” Looking into her eyes, I see the hesitation, but I also see the hope. She wants to let go and enjoy herself, and I want to be the person who helps her to do that.
“Ok,” she says, looking up at me and moving her hair out of her face. The determination filling her gaze surprises me.
“Yeah?” I ask, surprised but ecstatic that she’s finally letting me in. I won’t let her down.
No, just your best mate...
“Yes. I would love to go on a date with you.” She turns to look at the water again and I look at her, really look at her. I’m blown away. She’s standing in front of me, with her guard down, and ankle deep in cold water, but she’s never looked more beautiful than she does right now. With her hair blowing in the breeze, her cheeks flushed as she stands mesmerized by the ocean, she looks relaxed. It suits her. And I’ll do anything to keep it that way.
Chapter 13
Charlotte
The mess in my bedroom is almost comical. Clothes scattered everywher
e, shoes discarded left, right, and centre. Ollie is taking me on a date in less than an hour and I still have no clue what to wear. I’m so out of practice with this. My palms are sweating for crying out loud.
It’s just dinner, I remind myself as I take a couple of deep breaths and try to pull myself together. We’ve spent every day together for the past few weeks, had dinner together, this is no different.
Settling on a pair of jeans and a lilac peplum top, I sit at the dressing table to put my makeup on. Staring at my reflection, I smile. I feel lighter than when I first landed her, freer. Ollie makes me feel human again, he makes me feel desired. I didn’t realise how much I had missed that. Things with Carl hadn’t been right for a long time before it all went down the toilet. I forgot how nice it felt to be wanted.
Checking the time, I grab my purse and slip my phone and lipstick inside before slipping on my heels and heading downstairs. Ollie must hear me descend as he comes out of the kitchen to meet me. He stops when he sees me, his eyes widening and his smile blinding.
“Wow,” he says, with a soft chuckle that has me heating. The butterflies in my stomach are having a rave, and I grip hold of the banister to navigate that last couple of steps.
“You look beautiful,” he says as he takes my hand and kisses my knuckles.
“Thank you. You look pretty handsome yourself,” I say, with a smile. In dark blue jeans and a pale blue shirt rolled up at the sleeves, his ink still on display, he looks like he should be modelling for a calendar.
“You ready to go?” His confidence is reassuring. I’m glad one of us has it. The thought of being in a restaurant with God knows how many other people has my palms sweating and my mouth drying out. But Ollie’s right. I can do this, with him to start with. But I’m a strong woman. I can beat this phobia of mine, I don’t have to let it define me.