by Mary Alford
He stood, watching me silently before kissing my cheek. “Good night, Grace. Try to get some sleep. Your grandmother’s right. You do look tired.”
Chapter Twenty
On New Year’s Eve, my grandfather’s small church was ablaze with lights. Every single light in the place appeared to be on when Aaron found a parking spot at the far end of a row of cars.
We’d been sent home to get my grandmother’s homemade pecan pie, which I’m sad to say took twice as long as normal because we couldn’t seem to stop kissing.
The New Year’s Eve service had always been one of my favorites. Each year, the entire congregation got together to ring in the new year with singing and a potluck dinner. Then the ceremony ended at the stroke of midnight with an enormous bonfire outside. It took days for the men of the church to pile up enough wood for it.
We took my grandmother the pie and found Grandpa Harry outside with a group of men from the church getting the fire ready to go.
The snow, which had begun the day before and had continued throughout most of the day, finally showed signs of tapering off with nightfall.
“Looks like the good Lord has seen fit to bless us with a clear night after all,” Grandpa Harry told me when I slipped my arm through his.
“Yes. A great start to the New Year. Grandma Ruth told me to let you know everyone’s ready to start the service whenever you are.” He patted my arm and told me he’d be right in.
Aaron and I found a seat close to the front of the church while people continued filing in. My grandfather opened with a few words followed by music and food.
Grandma Ruth managed to talk me into singing her favorite song at the start of the service. Faced with getting up in front of the congregation, I felt more than a little anxious. Mostly because I would be singing in front of Aaron for the first time.
“Okay, everyone, why don’t we get started.” My grandfather did a brief announcement of the lineup for the service once the congregation grew silent. “As you all know, I’m not going to preach tonight so you’re getting a break, but we do have a special treat. My granddaughter is going to sing for you. Now, it was hard enough to convince her to get up here in the first place, so I hope you will all make her feel welcome. Most of you know Grace from when she used to play the piano for us a few years back. Before she went away to school. Okay, I’ve said enough. I’ll just turn it over to you, Grace.”
The minute I sat down at the piano, I forgot all about my nerves. The song made popular by the Christian group, Avalon, was one of my grandmother’s favorites, but the words of the song never failed to touch my heart as well. Those beautiful words never failed to make me cry, and I knew if I were to look at my grandmother, she, too, would have tears in her eyes.
Once the song ended, I returned to my seat and reached for my grandmother’s hand.
“Gracie, you did that so beautifully. You bring those words to life for me. Thank you, honey.” I kissed her cheek and forced myself to look at Aaron when he leaned closer and whispered.
“That was beautiful. I had no idea you were so talented.”
After a few more songs, the congregation took a break to eat. A buffet had been set up in the annex, which consisted of finger foods and sweets.
Most of the people of the congregation knew me and had met Aaron the last time. He seemed a little surprised by the number of people who actually remembered him and stopped by to make him feel welcome.
I spotted Zoey, along with her daughter. Zoey told me how much she loved her job and attending my grandfather’s church. She was transformed. No longer a frightened woman with an uncertain future.
“You should be so proud, Aaron. You’ve done a wonderful thing for her family. Who knows, you may have even saved their lives.”
I left Aaron chatting with some of the men from the church while I found my grandmother talking with one of the women who had been part of the congregation since the first sermon my grandfather ever preached. Grandma Ruth had told me about Betty Adams, but I was still shocked by her appearance.
Betty had terminal cancer. She was dying and her doctor had only given her a few months to live. Betty never once missed a single service, and her husband Charles was always right there by her side.
My grandmother had told me why the night was so special for Betty and her husband. Betty’s last wish was to see the New Year in with her husband and her church family. My grandmother told me how none of her doctors believed she would make it, but Betty was strong and determined. She’d never given up on her faith in God to bring a miracle about.
Betty’s husband, Charles, told us how thankful he was to have so many wonderful years with his wife. I watched him reach for her hand and hold it tight. The love he felt for her was unmistakable and so moving that I found I could no longer watch.
I quietly excused myself before anyone could spot my tears. Alone, I walked out into the cold night away from the lights of the church.
“Are you okay?” Aaron had followed me. I heard the question in his voice, but I was crying and I couldn’t tell him why.
“Grace.” He took me in his arms and held me close. “What’s wrong?” he asked quietly.
“She’s dying. Her doctors weren’t expecting her to live until Thanksgiving, but Betty wanted to spend one last New Year with her husband. He’s been so amazing. Standing next to her, giving her strength through everything.”
“I can’t imagine watching someone you love so much die. I don’t know if I could be so strong. I guess it takes a special person, doesn’t it?”
Aaron had no idea how deep his words cut. He’d just confirmed what I’d believed in my heart all along. Aaron wouldn’t be my future. He wasn’t the staying kind.
He held me close but even his comforting arms couldn’t stop my tears.
He believed I was crying because of Betty’s tragedy. I couldn’t tell him it was all because of him. He wasn’t even aware he’d taken the small amount of hope inside of me away.
“Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Happy New Year!” the crowd shouted together when the clock struck midnight. Aaron held me close while all around the warmth of the fire, couples and families hugged each other and wished the ones they loved a happy New Year.
Standing a little away from the fire, I watched Betty and her husband embrace. There was so much love and devotion in their eyes that I couldn’t pull my gaze away. This was love. Devotion. This was what Grandpa Harry and my grandmother shared. What few people found in their life partners.
Aaron’s gaze followed mine, catching the older couple in their tender embrace. I didn’t want to answer his questions and have him push too far and finally realize the truth. He was too good at figuring me out. Instead, I tried to cover my pain by smiling up at him. I knew we weren’t permanent, but we were together and happy.
“This must seem boring for you. Not the type of New Year’s Eve you’re used to.”
I turned in Aaron’s arms so I could see his face.
“I think this is the best time I had in a long time.”
“You’re lying, Mr. Severn. I mean, just think, you could be watching the ball drop in Times Square.”
“In a crowd of strangers.”
“It sounds like fun to me.”
“Then next year I’ll take you there.” He smoothed away a curl from my face.
I couldn’t hold his gaze. This year had been the best New Year’s Eve for me as well, and I was thankful for the time we had, but there would be no future celebration for us. I’d just learned the death sentence I’d been expecting since the beginning, and it didn’t have anything to do with my life.
After the cleanup was over and the fire tamped down to embers, we left for my grandparents’ home. Aaron and I were leaving the following morning for Red River, so I had a good excuse not to linger with him in the hallway. Somehow, I think he knew my silence wasn’t just because of the late hour. I only hoped he would never find out the real reason behind my sadness.
Chapter Twen
ty-One
By the following week the office was pretty much back to normal. The New Year started out in a flurry of activities. From all indications, the company was gearing up to have one of the busiest years in history.
And I was more determined than ever to deny the fear inside me and live for the moment. I threw myself into my job with more enthusiasm than I’d had thus far. I spent long hours with Aaron during the day and every spare minute of my free time in his arms. I was in love and determined not to think about the future. Which only seemed to frustrate Aaron that much more. He wanted to talk about where we were heading. I did not. Which ended up the source of several arguments between us.
“Grace, what’s scaring you? Just tell me. Let me help. Is it me? Is it my past? Tell me how I can help ease your mind.”
“No, it’s not that. I just need more time, Aaron. This is all new to me. Can’t you just give me a little more time?”
He drew me closer. “When you ask like that, how can I refuse you anything? I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here when you’re ready to talk. Just don’t shut me out so much. I’m part of your life now, Grace.”
Deb returned from her honeymoon glowing like a woman in love and unfortunately full of questions for me. The minute she found out Aaron and I had started dating, a fact that apparently everyone in the office knew, she went ballistic on me.
“What in the world is wrong with you?” she asked at our first lunch together after her return. “He’s the most gorgeous man around and you’re keeping him waiting? Would you stop worrying about what might or might not happen and just be with him. He’s crazy about you. Snap out of it, will you? What’s wrong with you?”
That pretty much summed up most of our discussions. I dodged her direct questions and Deb let me have it because of it.
I couldn’t explain my behavior to her or anyone else, but since New Year’s Eve I’d just known. Deep inside my heart, I knew I was headed for disaster. I just didn’t know how long I’d have to wait for it to hit.
When it did finally happen it took me by complete surprise. Out of the blue one morning, just before dawn, I was lazing around in bed when my grandmother called. The second I heard her voice I knew she’d had one of her dreams about me. And not a good one, if the concern in her voice was any indication.
“Are you okay?” she asked without even saying good morning. My stomach kicked into its usual uneasiness.
“I’m fine. Why? What’s up?” I wanted to ask what she knew, but I just couldn’t get the words out.
“Grace, are you sure you’re feeling okay?” I nodded then realized she couldn’t see my answer before I managed to get words out.
“What is it? You’ve had one of your dreams, haven’t you? It’s bad isn’t it? Gran, please, tell me!” I started crying, more frightened than I’d been in years.
“Honey, no. I was just remembering how tired you seemed when you came home for the New Year. I think you should go see your doctor, doll. You know, just to make sure everything’s fine.”
I couldn’t speak. My grandmother, my sweet grandmother who would never ever bring the subject up of my mother’s illness, was telling me I needed to see a doctor. I knew even though she wasn’t saying the words that she’d had the worst possible dream of all.
“But I’m okay. I don’t need to see a doctor.”
“Do it for me, honey. Do it for your worrisome old grandmother.”
She kept me on the phone for a little while longer, but I couldn’t remember anything she said beyond asking me to see a doctor. I was frightened more than I could ever believe possible. The minute I hung up the phone I jumped into the shower and did a breast exam. In the past, I’d become religious about doing my self-exams each month. But lately because of my relationship with Aaron, I was forgetting them more and more.
The second my fingers found the small lump in my left breast I froze. I’d imagined it, surely. I did the exam again. It was there. A lump.
I dressed as quickly as possible with hands that shook and then I called my doctor, who knew all about my high-risk history. I was probably one of only a handful of her patients who had her home number.
“Dr. Martinez, I’m sorry to bother you at home, but I think I need to come in as soon as possible. I found a lump.”
Dr. Brenda Martinez, in her reassuring way, managed to calm me down enough to get the details.
“Grace, you know it’s probably nothing, but given your history why don’t you come in on your lunch break, say around one, and we’ll do the exam. I’ll have everything set up and ready for you when you get here.”
I knew what she meant. She would do the preliminary biopsy if she felt it necessary that day.
Somehow, I managed to get through the morning without breaking down in front of Aaron, but I think he was beginning to suspect something was wrong. After all, I couldn’t quite cover up the fact that I’d been crying most of the morning before going into the office.
It took Brenda Martinez exactly ten minutes to do the biopsy and rush it to the lab for testing. She told me as soon as the results were back she would call me no matter what.
“I know it’s hard but try not to worry. I’ll know something by tomorrow for sure. We’ll deal with it then, no matter what. I need you to be strong. You know a patient is far more likely to overcome any illness with a positive outlook. I can’t have you giving up now. We’re only getting started.”
I left Dr. Martinez’s office but I didn’t go back to work just yet. Instead, I went to my church. I needed time alone to think and to pray. So I sat for a long time in the empty church, praying for strength.
The following day, I got the news I’d feared all my life. The worst thing any woman can hear. It was cancer.
“It’s just classified as stage one. Barely in the infancy stage. I know it’s soon, but I’ve scheduled the surgery for Friday. I’ve reviewed the X-rays and biopsy results with the oncologist, and it looks like we caught it just in time.”
As soon as I hung up the phone, I called Deb to tell her the news.
“Oh…Grace. But the doctor thinks you’ve caught it early enough? Before the cells have had a chance to form, much less spread? That’s good, right? It means they can pretty much guarantee they’ll get it all. What did Aaron say?”
“Aaron doesn’t know. I haven’t told him, Deb, and I don’t intend to. And you can’t either.”
“He needs to know. He’ll be so worried about you.”
“No, he won’t because I’ve decided that I’m breaking it off with Aaron. This was never going to work anyway. We both knew. I mean, I’ve always known I could never count on him if something like this happened. It’s for the best.”
“You aren’t even going to give him a chance? I know what he said, but he didn’t know about… Grace, you need to tell him. You need to give him a chance. You owe him that much. He’s crazy about you. Don’t just throw it away like that because of what you think might happen.”
“I can’t do this, Deb! I know in my heart how this is going to turn out, and I can’t go through it now. Not even for Aaron. I’ve handed in my resignation to Susan. Technically, I still work for her. I’m letting Aaron know on Thursday at the end of the day.”
“You can’t just quit. You love your job. What are you going to do?”
“I’m thinking about going back home to Amarillo. Don’t say it. It’s the only way. I can’t work for him. It would be too hard. This is for the best.”
“I think you’re making the biggest mistake of your life. Please, don’t do this.”
“I know how you feel, but let me do what I need to do. I have to do this my way. I called you because I wanted to see if you would pick me up and take me home. Dr. Martinez thinks if all goes well, then I should be released sometime late Saturday afternoon.”
“Of course I will. You know that. I’ll be there with you through the surgery as well. I’m your friend, you know you can count on me. I won’t let you go through this alone.” She h
esitated for a moment and I knew what was coming next. “Have you told your grandmother yet?”
“No, and I’m not going to either. I don’t want her to be worried just yet.”
Somehow, I think through all my pain, my emotions went numb. I’d taken care of every little detail but one. I tried to convince myself that I could just drive over to Aaron’s and tell him it was over, but the second he opened the door and I was in his arms I couldn’t find the words. I knew no matter what, I would end up taking the coward’s way out.
I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t answer his question when he asked me what was wrong. All I could do was cry, and when he tried to hold me, I ran away. I ran to my car, ignored the desperate sound in his voice, and left him standing there alone, not understanding what was wrong with me.
By the end of the following day, I was ready to leave my resignation on the desk and disappear but my conscience wouldn’t let me do that. I owed him so much. He’d taken a chance on me when I didn’t deserve a chance. He’d cared for me and all I’d done was push him away.
I knocked once on his door but he didn’t bother to look up when he invited me in. I dropped the resignation on his desk and waited while he read through it slowly and then again before looking at me.
In those beautiful blue eyes, I could almost swear I saw tears.
“Why…” He forced the word out.
“It’s not working between us anymore. I’ve known this for some time. If you’re honest, so have you. We were ridiculous to try…” I stopped when my voice threatened to break. “I have another job. I start tomorrow. I’m sorry I can’t give you more notice, but this is for the best. Thank you for everything. For all you’ve done for me, Aaron. But please don’t call me anymore.”
“Grace…” The desperate sound in his voice threatened to break my fragile control as I headed for the door.
“Don’t do this to us. Please. Whatever’s wrong, whatever is bothering you, we can fix it, surely? Grace, I love you.”