by Chris Watt
“Don’t you dare say that,” Katy’s voice trembled, “Don’t even think that.”
“Why?” Jodie didn’t mean to sound ignorant, but she knew that if an argument was coming then she would have to at least make an effort here, “I mean, what’s so important about going anyway? Unless you want to get rid of me. Is that what this is?”
“Don’t turn this around. I’m the one who’s mad here.”
“Well maybe I’m mad too.”
Katy couldn’t help but laugh.
“Oh please, don’t try the rebelling teenager routine on me now. You’re about three years too late for it. We all know how smart you are,” Katy then motioned to her letter, “All evidence to the contrary of course. Monday I’m calling your school and we’re going to try and sort this mess out. And you are going to get your head down, young lady. Now, about tonight.”
“Let’s not,” added Jodie, with a groan, “I’m really tired.”
“You’re tired? Now why would that be? Would it be the drinking or the running away?
Or maybe it’s something else?”
“What do you mean?”
This was when Katy pulled out her secret weapon, Jodie’s ‘sabotage list’
“This?” she said, waving it in front of her daughter’s face, “Your little sabotage itinerary?”
Jodie knew almost immediately what it was and knew the game was up, but she knew there was nothing she could say.
“I was happy, Jodie. And maybe that means nothing to you, but let me let you in on a secret of life that you haven’t been privileged to experience yet; more often than not, things don’t go as planned. Do you want to know why? Because there is no fucking plan in the first place. All you can do is keep going and just hope that somewhere along the line you’ll find a little bit of happiness.”
Jodie didn’t really know how to respond to this. She had never really seen her mother like this before and had certainly never been spoken to like this by her before.
“Mum,” she replied, trying to appeal to her motherly instincts with no success.
“And when I do actually find a tiny bit of that for myself, you can’t just be happy for me and accept it — you actually try and ruin it. I feel like I don’t even know who you are right now.”
Jodie felt tears coming on, so decided to go for broke,
“Why him? Of all the men, why did it have to be my teacher?”
“Don’t!” Katy shouted out, leaning forward and talking very precisely to Jodie, never breaking eye contact with her daughter, “I’ve always been fair to you, always indulged you, maybe too much sometimes, and I thought you turned out alright. But after tonight, what am I supposed to think? We’ve never kept secrets from each other. If you had just come to me and told me what was going on, then we could have sorted this months ago, but no you had to go behind my back,” Katy now started to read from the list, “changing phone numbers, cancelling dinner reservations, faking a seizure? My god Jodie, do you have any respect for me at all?”
“I was confused. I thought I was in love with him. I mean, I was in love with him, but...now I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? You go to all this effort for I don’t know!”
And then there was silence, they just stood and watched each other. In the end, Jodie broke the silence.
“Is he coming back?”
“I doubt it.”
Jodie sat back down.
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t care,” was Katy’s reply.
“You don’t care if he comes back?”
“No,” Katy snapped back, “I don’t care if you’re sorry. Jesus, Jodie for such a smart girl you can be pretty bloody stupid sometimes. What did you think was going to happen?”
Jodie now felt as if she was a five year old being scalded for breaking a window, and replied in accordance with such a manner,
“I don’t know.”
“Was it because he was with me, is that what it was? Was it jealousy, or were you just being spiteful?”
“I didn’t mean to...”
“...to what?” Katy interrupted, “Ruin everything? Well, I’m afraid that ship has sailed.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean it’s over, finished, done.”
“You broke up with him?” asked Jodie, genuinely surprised.
“Yes Jodie, congratulations — your plan was an overwhelming success.”
Katy watched her daughter, waiting to see what her reaction. Then Jodie stood back up and addressed her mother as though the roles had been reversed.
“You’re an idiot.”
Katy was taken aback.
“Excuse me?”
“You let him go?” Jodie asked, although she almost didn’t expect an answer.
“What choice did I have?”
“You really are an idiot.”
Katy’s eyes narrowed, as if she was an animal approaching its prey.
“Watch your tone, Jodie, I’m warning you.”
“Why? I mean, is it for my benefit? Is that why you never looked for a man?”
“Don’t!” Katy whispered.
“Is that why Dad left?”
That did it; Katy stood up and pointed towards the ceiling.
“We are not doing this, go to bed.”
Jodie, however, stood her ground.
“I’m not a child anymore.”
“You’re right. You’re not, you should know better,” Jodie noticed there were tears in her mother’s eyes, “Your Dad left because he didn’t give a shit about us. That’s the only reason. He left and I gave up whatever plans I had for my life to make sure you could have anything you want. So don’t you dare stand there and judge me.”
“Best for me,” shouted Jodie, now tearing up herself, “there it is again.”
“I gave my life up, you ungrateful little bitch. Maybe I wasn’t ready, did you ever think about that? And maybe I didn’t make all the right decisions, but I did my best.”
Exhausted from the evening’s events, Katy slumped back down into the couch. She fixed her eyes on her daughter.
“And then, someone like Rob comes along, someone who doesn’t care about the
baggage, doesn’t care about me having a kid and look what happens.”
Jodie sat back down, but it wasn’t a sign of resignation.
“You mess it up.”
Katy shook her head and gave a small, exasperated laugh, adding:
“No, you did.”
Jodie didn’t expect to hear her mother to actually say it. Only now, did she realize what had happened. Not only had her mother given up on Rob. She’d given up on her too. And inside, something started to hurt.
Katy wiped her eyes and slowly got to her feet.
“I’ve given up everything for you, Jodie. Why would I stop now?”
She slowly started to make her way towards the door, Jodie watching her go.
“Monday morning, you and I are going to see the guidance counselor. See if we can’t get you out of this fucking awful mess. In the meantime, I’m going to bed.”
It was as she reached the doorway that Jodie stood up and called out,
“Mum?”
Katy stopped in the doorway, but didn’t turn she couldn’t face her daughter.
“I’m sorry about what I said,” Jodie continued. Katy sighed and asked,
“Which part?”
Jodie wasn’t sure, really.
“The thing about dad.”
Katy nodded, but still didn’t turn around to face her.
“Oh, that.”
“It was an easy stone to throw, that’s all it was.”
Katy stood still for a moment and then let out a large sigh.
“Well, maybe I’m sorry too, okay? I’m the one that let him go.”
Jodie suddenly felt her heart skip a beat, as she tried to figure out what her mother was saying to her.
“You mean, Dad?”
Katy shook her head, but still co
uldn’t look her daughter in the eyes.
“Rob. Maybe you’re right, Jodie. Maybe I didn’t do this for you. Which means, God help me, that I’m way more messed up than I originally thought.”
Katy wiped her eyes again and walked out of the room. Jodie stayed rooted in her spot, merely listening as she followed her mother’s footsteps up the stairs and into her bedroom. When she heard the dull thud of her mother closing her door, Jodie walked over to the couch and sat down. She didn’t know what to do. As she felt the first blushes of a hangover coming, she curled up on the couch, pulling the throw that draped over its back, over her body and slowly, uncomfortably fell asleep.
FIFTY-ONE
The rest of the weekend was something of a quiet affair. Jodie awoke on the living room couch with a hangover that would end up lasting two days. If she was being honest with herself, she knew she deserved it. Of course, on the very few occasions in the past when she had felt similarly fragile, she had always been able to rely on her mother. She knew this wouldn’t be the case this time.
Katy awoke early that morning. She hadn’t slept much that night, tossing and turning under the duvet, she even found herself checking her mobile phone every half an hour or so, just in case she had missed a message. She resisted all urges to send Rob a text begging for him to forgive her at least six times during the night, and went to the kitchen to make herself a coffee as a means of distraction.
She took a seat and stared out at her back garden, the morning light slowly revealing the remnants of the previous evening’s party. This was a little too much reality for Katy. She stood up and took her coffee through to the living room, where she then found herself confronted with Jodie asleep on the sofa. Again, this proved a little too much for her that morning, and so she slowly walked out into the hall and back headed upstairs. She put her coffee on the nightstand and crawled back under the duvet. Then she reached for her mobile phone again. Just to check.
Katy took her daughter to see the Guidance Counselor first thing Monday morning. Mr.
Posner looked tired as he sat behind his desk, facing Jodie and Katy. He loathed these sorts of meetings and despite his age, often felt self-conscious that his advice meant nothing to these people.
A case in point was sitting right in front of him, this was now the third time Jodie had sat in that chair and the presence of Katy meant that things were serious. He looked over Jodie’s file, before bringing his gaze up to hers. Jodie shifted uncomfortably in her chair, while Katy remained stone faced and quiet.
“Well,” he said, “here we are again.”
Jodie felt sick, but managed to respond, if only briefly.
“Yes. Sorry.”
Posner sized up Jodie’s mood and decided that he was facing a girl who was absolutely terrified. Oddly, he found this comforting. At least it meant she was finally taking things seriously. He turned his attention to Katy, who looked almost as distressed as her daughter. Posner attempted to lighten the mood a little, with a wry,
“And you are?”
The joke fell flat, met with blank expressions on both sides.
“Sorry, couldn’t resist. Well, let’s get down to it, shall we? How can I help?”
Katy looked at her daughter, before turning back to Posner and breathing in deeply,
“I’m here to ask you to forgive my daughter for being a moron.”
Jodie almost did a double-take.
‘ Did she just say that?’
Posner smiled lightly, immediately sensing that while Katy had cracked the joke, it was a defense mechanism. She was deadly serious. Posner sat upright in his chair and lightened his tone slightly.
“That’s fine, I mean, if we didn’t forgive every kid who acted like a moron, we’d have an empty school.”
Again the joke miss-fired, although Katy did at least smile this time which was enough for him.
“What else?” he asked.
“I’d like to see if we could get an extension on her last exams,” Katy replied.
“An extension?”
Katy nodded,
“So that she has a little more time to prepare for them.”
“I see,” Posner rummaged through Jodie’s file and pulled out her schedule, reading from it as he continued, “Jodie has three exams still to sit.”
Katy turned to her daughter for confirmation, but Jodie was miles away, staring at Posner’s garish choice of neck tie. Katy smacked her daughter’s hand, hard. Jodie snapped out of it and answered,
“What? Sorry yes, geography and math.”
“And these are to be sat on Thursday and Friday this week, am I right?” he asked. Jodie thought about this, before nodding.
Posner turned a page, before putting the file back down on his desk.
“And Physics the week after. That’s a lot of work, the kind of work that needs a good year’s worth of study. You do realize that this is fairly unorthodox? That our system doesn’t really allow for such exceptions? I mean, if we do this then what’s to stop anyone else doing the same as you? Neglecting their studies, ignoring their guidance counselor’s advice, not involving their parents. These are all things we need to take into consideration.”
Jodie heard every point he made and agreed with everything he said. And, for the first time she began to feel not only guilty but really stupid. What the hell had she been doing?
Only now was she aware of what was at stake and, only now did she realize that the only thing she was sure of was that she wanted to pass her exams and get the hell out of this situation. But first she had to get the hell out of this room. She sighed and then quietly said:
“It’s my fault.”
Posner leaned forward, not quite sure he’d heard her correctly.
“I’m sorry?”
Katy had heard her perfectly, and suddenly butted in:
“No. It’s my fault, all of it.”
Jodie turned to her mother, who gave her a slight, re-assuring smile and squeezed her hand warmly.
“I did something, started seeing someone and it caused... a distraction.”
Posner, who despite the neck tie was quite a sharp man, understood immediately, leaned back and shook his head, sympathizing with Katy, a woman he felt who had clearly been backed into a corner and was willing to take the flak for her daughter.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself Ms. McPhee,” he replied.
Katy sat up, trying to compose herself.
“I can’t help it. Old habits die hard I guess.”
Posner shook his head again,
“No, I don’t think that’s it, is it?” He then turned his gaze towards Jodie, “Jodie’s old enough to know what’s best for her so let’s ask her.”
Jodie felt a nervous sweat coming on.
“Ask me what?”
“Do you think we should inconvenience ourselves and allow you another week’s worth of study time? Should we give you a second chance? In fact this would be your third chance, really. What do you think? Do you think you deserve it?”
It was a fair question and one which Jodie had been thinking a lot about herself lately.
She had thought about how different things had been one year ago when she was an excellent student with impeccable grades and a fairly un-controversial profile (if you didn’t count the odd stationary cupboard liaison). There had been no craziness, no need for sabotage or tactics, there had been no Rob Peer and she and her mother were best friends. It didn’t make her proud, it didn’t make her happy. It made her ashamed. And it was this shame that led her to answer as honestly as she could.
“No, I don’t.”
Katy leaned in to her daughter and whispered in her ear:
“Jodie?”
Jodie shook her head, stopping her before she had a chance to dissuade her.
“I mean it, Mum. After the way I’ve behaved, I don’t deserve anything. I’m just being honest.”
Posner sat silent for a moment, staring blankly at Jodie. Katy kept her eyes fixed on Posner, as i
f awaiting sentence from a judge. Then he smiled.
“That is the correct answer Ms. McPhee.”
Katy breathed a sigh of relief and sat back in her chair, exhausted. Jodie, meanwhile, merely raised her eyebrows in surprise.
“It is?”
“Absolutely,” he replied, happily before lifting his arm and pointing towards the door:
“Would you step outside for a moment please?”
Jodie and Katy looked at one and other. Katy nodded to her daughter and with that, Jodie rose from her seat and walked outside to the office hallway, closing the door as she went.
Almost immediately, Katy turned her attention back to Posner, leaning across the desk and talking with a hushed tone.
“What do I need to do? Do you need a guarantee or a sponsor or something? I’ll sign whatever you need. Whatever it takes, just please don’t tell me it’s too late.”
Posner shook his head and offered her a reassuring wave of the hand. Then he sat back in his chair and smiled.
“Humility is a priceless trait Ms. McPhee. Your daughter has it in spades.”
Katy nodded, resisting the urge to cry, she was relieved to hear someone compliment her daughter. She was used to the good grades, the report cards, but to hear someone talk about her in a positive way was new to her and, considering the circumstances, genuinely unexpected.
“She’s a good girl really.”
Posner leaned down and pulled a small folder out of the drawer in his desk. He then slid it across to Katy, saying:
“It’s never too late Ms. McPhee.”
Katy took the folder and opened it, revealing a new work schedule for Jodie.
“You mean..?”
“She has two weeks from today. Better get her head down.”
Katy smiled and stood up, adding:
“I’ll staple it to the table if that’s what it takes. Thank you so much.”
She held out her hand, which Posner took and they shook on it.
“A pleasure,” he replied.
Katy stepped towards the door, before quickly turning back round, remembering:
“Oh, do I need to sign anything?”
Posner looked up from his desk and shook his head.
“Usually we require a letter of recommendation, just to keep things official, but don’t worry it’s already taken care of.”