Restorations

by Nicole Dykes

  I watch as she brings her free hand to her breast, squeezing and getting lost in the ecstasy of it all. My own body tenses with the buildup, her soft whimpers and moans already threatening me over the edge.

  I want to finish inside of her. It takes everything inside me to keep my feet planted where I stand under the water as my hand continues to jerk my cock swiftly, just needing this to end.

  Needing the burst of pleasure only she can create inside me but knowing that she also causes me more pain than anyone else.

  She brings one leg up on the bench, giving me a far better view and pulling a deep groan from me. “God, I wish it was your fingers inside me right now.”

  “Fuck, Viv.” My hand speeds up, and I feel how close I am to coming. I can barely growl out the words to her, “Are you close?”

  Her eyes lock on mine. Her breathing is erratic, and her voice is also strangled. “Yes. So close.”

  Her head leans back against the glass as her fingers move faster and her sweet whimpers get louder and louder. “Asher.”

  When she moans my name and her toes curl, I lose it. Cum jets from my cock and down the drain as I wring out every last drop, both of us panting and unable to gain control of our bodies.

  She stands on shaky legs before me, her eyes pleading with me to look at her, but I can’t. I look over her shoulder.

  Not ashamed of jerking off in front of her but fucking horrified that she still has this type of hold on me after everything we’ve been through.

  “Asher, look at me. Please.” Her voice is void of the confidence she had moments ago, and I still refuse to look at her.

  How could I do this again?

  I feel her hand ghost over my cheek, our skin not making contact. “Asher.”

  Slowly I move my eyes to look into hers. “What?”

  I watch her throat as she swallows. “Talk to me. We were friends once. We were lovers once.”

  My jaw clenches. “No.” I glare at her, thinking about her going out with Sawyer and the day she left me behind. “Lovers implies there was love between us. You know what we were, Viv?”

  I don’t miss the tears welling in her eyes, but she doesn’t let them fall. “What’s that, Asher?”

  I grit my teeth, seething. “Bored little rich kids who enjoyed hot hookups. But that’s it. I was a convenience for you.”

  Her arms wrap over her lower stomach, and she shakes her head. “That’s not true.”

  “It is. I was every bit of the wrong you were looking for. You were bored, and I was there, adding a little bit of thrill to your mundane life.”

  She looks horrified as she wipes one tear from her cheek, still shaking her head. “That’s not what we were. Don’t cheapen it. If I wanted that I could have just used the app on my phone.”

  I step closer, our toes touching now as I lean down getting into her face. “That would have been far too easy.”

  “I thought you said you were a convenience,” she snaps, and I see the fury building inside her.

  “I was a convenient thrill. I was someone you could seduce who was already right in your home. The worst possible hookup, and it’s still fucking thrilling for you, isn’t it? Fucking with my head.”

  She swallows a cry and sniffs as she wipes away another tear but squares her shoulders. “I’m not playing games with you.”

  “No? What the fuck was this?” I gesture to the shower bench behind us.

  She looks so hurt, but I don’t care. I’m done caring.

  Why the hell did I allow this to happen?

  “You wanted this just as bad as I did. This isn’t a game.”

  I push the shower door open and step out, turning around to look at her. “Next time, have Sawyer finish you off. You’re fucking toxic to me.”

  “At least he has the balls to touch me.”

  Again my jaw clenches, and I'm actually worried I might break my teeth. “Yeah well, you have fun imagining that his hands are mine.”

  I turn away from her, grabbing a towel, trying to get out of the bathroom before she says anything else to bait me, but I don’t make it.

  “I don’t have to do that. You may think he’s your replacement, Asher, but nothing of yours has ever been on my mind when I’m with Sawyer.

  She climbs out and wraps a towel around her, moving closer to me. I try to ignore her sweet scent.

  “When I come with him, it’s his name on my lips.” She pushes past me, and I feel fucking sick to my stomach.

  I move to the counter in the bathroom, planting my hands in front of me and staring in the mirror as she goes into her bedroom.

  He can have her.

  I feel sick. Like I might actually puke as Asher flees from my room, slamming the door behind him.

  How can he say those things to me?

  He really thinks that I just used him for a cheap thrill. That I didn’t really love him? He infuriates me. Telling me to have Sawyer finish me off next time.

  Asshole.

  I shouldn’t have done this. I should have just stuck to Sawyer because he doesn't try to hurt me. He isn’t vengeful and cruel. He’s been only kind and upfront. He at least tried to date me and see if there were any real feelings before running away scared.

  Asher was petrified from the very beginning.

  I’m so confused and angry. Something I thought would disappear when I left Kansas but has only multiplied.

  But was Asher right? Is it the thrill I'm chasing?

  Sawyer gets my heart racing too, just in a different way. Though I can’t deny the way Asher makes me feel. My entire body had an electric charge, and it was almost like muscle memory. My body knew exactly what to do to elicit the most pleasure from him without a hint of an actual touch.

  The physical attraction between us is effortless, but everything else is mind-numbingly difficult.

  I sit on my bed and sob now that he’s gone but keep myself quiet. I don’t want him to hear me. I don’t want to give him that satisfaction.

  I have no idea how things got so screwed up.

  He wouldn’t even touch me. I’m surprised he would even look at me. Without a doubt, he hates me.

  And maybe I hate him too. I shouldn’t play dirty. I shouldn’t take the bait when he brings up Sawyer, but I couldn’t stop myself. I won’t be a doormat. But I don’t want to hurt him either.

  I wipe my face when I hear my phone buzz and rise from my bed to grab it from my dresser. I smile when I see the picture Sawyer sent of Baz with a breakfast burrito in his hand.

  Why can’t Sawyer and I be in love with each other? It would be so much easier.

  I send a few heart emojis back to him and then get dressed. I walk cautiously out of my room and to the kitchen, relieved the only Sterling in here is Lola.

  She’s sitting at the table going over something on her phone when her eyes lift and she smiles at me. “Morning.”

  Wow, it is still morning. What a start to the day.

  “Good morning.”

  Oh no, Lola picks up on everything, and I can feel her gaze on me as I head for the coffee. “Are you okay?”

  I nod, trying to plaster a fake smile on my face before turning to face her. “Of course.”

  She stands up, walking closer to me, and I hope my hair and the higher collar of my blouse hide the hickeys on my neck. “Are you sure? You seem off today. Did Asher do something?”

  Not to me. I only think it though. “No. I’m fine. Do you have anything for me to do today?” I desperately want to change the subject.

  Lola is truly my best friend, an unlikely match, considering we met when I had already had Baz and had to tell Colt’s family he fathered a child right before he died. I don’t like telling her, and I also don’t think it’s appropriate.

  She studies me but seems to be trying to stay out of things a little more these days and drops it. “Can Asher watch Sebastian today?”

  That’s not a weird request. I work for Lola, and Asher is used to babysitting Baz. My throat goes dry j
ust thinking about asking Asher for a favor. “Well, Sebastian is with Sawyer now.”

  “What?” She smiles into the question but is clearly surprised.

  “Yeah. He stopped by to bring him a present and ended up taking him to check out a house.”

  She laughs. “Well, he’ll probably go into real estate, so it’s a good start.” She’s joking, but it’s not totally out of the question for that to be his career path either.

  “True. I just hope he’s behaving.”

  She waves that off. “Oh, Sawyer can handle him.”

  “They’re supposed to be back in an hour and that was about an hour ago though. I can always ask Nora to watch him if you have work for me to do.”

  She raises an eyebrow. “Why? Is Asher not home?”

  “I’m here.” Shit. My entire body tenses at the sound of his deep voice coming from behind me.

  I don’t turn to look at him, and I know Lola picks up on that. She catches everything. She passes me and walks to her brother, her voice calm and light. “Can you watch Baz this afternoon?”

  My heart is racing, thinking about the shower and then afterward, the things he said. And now his sister is asking him to watch my son. I know he loves Baz and will never hurt him, but still, this is awkward.

  “Yeah. No problem.” I turn to look at him, the sight almost painful. He’s not smiling, but he’s keeping his brooding to a minimum as he turns away from Lola and focuses on me. “When is Sawyer bringing him back?”

  I clear my throat, trying to appear normal. I don’t want to discuss this with Lola. It’s too humiliating. “About an hour.”

  He nods, totally casual as he walks to the table and grabs an apple from the bowl of fruit there. “Sounds good. I don’t have any plans today.”

  He crunches into the apple and walks past me. “Thank you.” My voice is weak.

  “No problem.” His eyes darken only slightly, but I don’t miss it as he walks out of the room, leaving my heart rate accelerated and my hands clammy.

  “Oh no.”

  Oh. No. I turn to look at Lola, who brushes my hair away from my neck and looks at the hickey on my neck. “Lola . . .”

  I don’t want to talk about this.

  She removes her hand from my hair, and I can tell she’s in a battle with herself. “Sawyer?”

  She sounds almost hopeful. My eyes flutter, fighting to close and disappear, but I shake my head and look her straight in the eye. “No.” I rethink that. “Well . . . maybe. Shit.” She looks confused, one eyebrow raised. “It could have gotten worse from Sawyer this morning.”

  Yeah. She thinks I'm a slut. Of course, she does. I kind of am. “Oh.”

  Her pouty mouth forms an “O”.

  I want to die.

  “But it’s also from Asher?” She asks the question cautiously.

  I nod my head. “From last night.” I groan, covering my eyes with both hands. “Oh, Jesus. You must think I'm a whore.” I drop my hands and look at her. “I am. My God. I don’t know what I'm doing. Every time I think I have things figured out . . .” I’m at a loss for words, and Lola takes both of my hands in hers.

  “Stop that. Okay? You are not a whore.”

  Bless her. She’s so kind. “Lola . . .”

  She has her mind set though. “No. Look, I'm trying not to meddle much. You guys are adults, and I’m not your parent, but don’t ever belittle yourself. Don’t call yourself a whore or a slut or anything like that. Ever.” Her eyes portray how strongly she feels about this. “As far as I'm concerned, you’re my sister, and I’ll be damned if I let anyone talk bad about my family.”

  I smile at that. I’ve never had anyone be so fiercely protective of me. “Still . . . I mean, you’ve only been with one man in your whole life. I can’t even say that about today.”

  That makes her laugh, which is totally unexpected. Then of course, I end up laughing too but only briefly.

  “Viv, you know how I feel about you and Asher, but it’s not up to me or anyone else. You guys have to work this out.” The last year has been an incredible one for Lola. She’s changed a lot, allowing the burden on her shoulders to lessen, letting go slightly. And it’s been beautiful to watch. “Still . . .” I look directly at her, waiting for her to tell me to stay away from him. “You aren’t committed to Sawyer, and you aren’t committed to Asher. You’re a free woman until some asshole steps up and claims your whole heart.”

  I nearly choke on a sob creeping up in my throat. “You may be my favorite human ever.”

  She laughs and pulls me into a comforting side hug, making me feel safe in a way I've never felt. The truth is, I've never been openly loved. Lola gives it so freely and so does her mother. “Right back at you.” I lean my head on her shoulder. “I didn’t have sex with anyone before Hayden because I didn’t want to. It was my choice. And it’s your choice to sleep with whoever you want to. Whenever you want to. No one has the right to shame you for that choice, just like no one has the right to shame me for mine. If you aren’t in a committed relationship, then I say do what you feel.”

  I lift my head and look at her. “You’re very wise, Lola Sterling.”

  She grins and shrugs her shoulders. “It’s a curse.”

  I chuckle at that and wipe a tear away from my cheek. “I need to stay away from Asher.”

  I can feel her relief, but I admire her not trying to tell me what to do. Lord knows I've had plenty of that in my life. My parents wanting nothing to do with me anymore is an absolute blessing. I haven’t talked to my mother in months and even then, she only called to make sure I wasn’t pregnant again.

  Nice, right?

  Lola doesn’t say anything. She only hugs me again and then gets back to business. “Okay. So I need you to go with Penelope to meet a woman who wants her house redecorated. I’m going to look at another hotel with Hayden. The crazy asshole is thinking about doing a total revamp of a shithole.”

  I laugh, grateful we’re no longer talking about her brother. “Sounds good to me.”

  She’s quiet for a moment and then places her hands on my shoulders. “I hope you guys can make it back to a friendship, though.”

  I swallow, my heart aching. “I’m not sure that will ever be possible.”

  She looks saddened by that but nods her head and then goes over some of the details of the newest project.

  But my mind is stuck on Asher.

  “You’ve really picked up on all of this quickly.”

  I smile at Penelope as she drives us back to our houses. Today was fun. I was never interested in real estate, but decorating is a lot of fun. And a lot of hard work.

  “I really enjoy it.”

  She nods her head and pulls into the drive at Lola’s. “Okay, so do you want to talk about the hickey on your neck and that dreamy look in your eyes? Or no?”

  I look at her, my mouth gaping open. “What?”

  She cocks her head to the side, raising one eyebrow. “Come on, girl.” She points to her heart. “You’re talking to a girl who has loved two out of three Sterling brothers. There’s no amount of guilt or shame I haven’t felt.”

  I blush slightly, and then she laughs.

  “Oh shit. I guess you have too.”

  I shake my head and tuck my hair nervously behind my ear. “I didn’t love Colt.” Okay, now it’s awkward. Nothing is off-limits with the Sterlings, I swear. I was Colt’s mistress. I mean, not technically since they weren’t married, but still.

  She places a hand on my arm and smiles. “I know, but what I mean is . . . you don’t need to feel shame for falling for one of the Sterling brothers. They’re charismatic, broken, strong douchebags, but they’re easy to love.”

  “How did you know it was Asher who left the hickey?” I’m not going into the fact that Sawyer added to it.

  “I just had a feeling with him moving back in. I don’t think you two can stay away from each other.”

  “We should.”

  Her brow furrows. “Why’s that?”


  Now I'm looking at her like she’s insane because she might just be. “Are you kidding? We’re toxic to each other.”

  I shudder, thinking about Asher’s words this morning.

  “Oh please.” I stare at her in amazement. “I spent so long thinking Linc was bad for me and I was bad for him, and it was only when we finally gave in that I found a sense of peace.”

  My throat tightens. “We only bring each other chaos.”

  She smiles at that and shakes her head like she knows something I don’t. “No, you don’t. I’ve seen the way you look at each other.”

  “You mean with disdain and regret.”

  She doesn't entertain that for a moment. “Love. It’s love.”

  “Look, even Lola knows we don’t belong together, that we’re each other’s poison.”

  Her shoulders shrug as she looks up at Lola’s house, the sun starting to set in the background. We were out a lot later than I expected, and I wonder if Baz is still up and running around or if Asher managed to get him to lie down.

  “She’s hung up on her parents. And trust me, that was a shitshow, but you aren’t them. None of us are.”

  “Asher doesn’t want a relationship. I tried. I wanted us to try, Penelope. He didn’t want to.”

  “Asher’s a pussy.” My eyes widen when she meets my eyes. She said that so calmly. She laughs and shrugs again. “He’s a strong man, but he’s terrified of becoming their father. They all are. None of them realize how good they are.”

  “I can’t force him to love me.”

  She scoffs. “No force needed, it’s already there.”

  It didn’t feel like love this morning. He wouldn’t even touch me. He wouldn’t look at me. Inside I'm screaming these things, but I don’t say anything.

  “Viv.” I didn’t realize I had looked away and toward the house through the windshield of her car, so I turn back to her. “Don’t give up on him. He needs you.”

  I sigh softly. “You’re smart, Penelope, but I think you have this one wrong. I’m not what he wants. I never was.”

  “You’re exactly what he needs. He doesn't trust anyone. He’s angry and lost, but when he was with you . . .” Her eyes are watery, and I feel bad, knowing how she has taken the blame for so much that wasn’t her fault, especially when it comes to Asher. “It was like he got to breathe. You don’t deserve to be anyone’s emotional punching bag, but it’s like with you, he can be himself. And he was free for a moment in time.”