by Nicole Dykes
Her eyes meet mine, and I know she feels guilty about our deception. “Are you hungry?”
He nods his head several times as he makes his way to the table for Viv to place a plate in front of him. I grab some coffee and am surprised when I see Lola stride in, all ready for work. “You’re here?”
She laughs at that, moving ahead of me to grab coffee. “Well, technically it’s my house.”
“Does that mean you and Hayden took a break from your little sleepovers?”
She shakes her head, taking a sip from her coffee mug and facing me as she leans back against the counter. “God, no. Why would we do that when are sleepovers are oh, so much fun?”
She wags her eyebrows suggestively, and I fake gag even though really, I couldn’t be happier for her. “So, he’s upstairs, then?”
She nods her head with a great big grin. “Yes.”
Viv sweeps her hand over Baz’s hair before walking past Lola and me. “I’m going to go get dressed.” She looks back at Baz. “Don’t leave without saying goodbye, okay?”
He gives her a thumbs up as he stuffs his face, and she looks to me, her eyes saying so many things, but she only offers a small subtle smile. “Thank you for getting him ready.” I give her a quick nod, and she turns to Lola. “Good morning. I’ll be ready for work soon.”
Lola nods her head appreciatively. “No hurry.”
Viv leaves, and I can’t stop myself from letting my gaze linger on her before I feel a sharp nudge in my ribs. I look over at my sister, who is eyeing me with fierce suspicion. Her voice is kept low and directed away from Baz. “What the hell are you doing?”
“What are you talking about?”
She looks over her shoulder at Baz, who is definitely not paying attention to us and then back to me. “Look, I'm not a creeper or anything, but last night I went out on the balcony and saw the shadowy figures of two lovers on the beach.”
I cringe. “Shit,” I hiss as quietly as I can. “How long did you watch?”
Her cheeks heat. “Not long at all. And obviously, I completely looked away when I saw it was Viv.” And me. She doesn’t add that part, and I'm grateful.
“That is fucking creepy.” I grab my own coffee and face her, ready for the long lecture I know she can’t help giving.
“Well, maybe you shouldn’t be having sex in public if you don’t want anyone to know about it.”
“Lols . . .”
I have nothing to say really, but I'm trying to delay the inevitable. “What the hell are you doing, Asher? I specifically told you, you can stay here unless you decide to torture Viv.”
I scoff at that and take a quick drink of my coffee. “Please. That was hardly torture.”
“She’s in love with you. Every kiss. Every touch. Every single thing with you is torture when you don’t mean it.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, knowing she’s right. And I have no argument because I already know. “You think it’s not torture for me too?”
She doesn’t seem mad. Honestly, she seems sympathetic as she places a hand on my arm. “It’s okay to love her too.”
I stare at her in deep confusion. “What? I thought you didn’t want us together either?”
She takes a deep breath and admits easily. “I was wrong.”
“What?”
She offers a kind smile. “Asher, you’ve changed so damn much in the last year. You graduated. You have a career molding young minds. You’re a strong, amazing man.” I don’t know how to take the compliment other than make a lame joke, but I'm trying to be mature, so I keep my mouth shut and let her continue. “I hope this doesn’t sound condescending, but I'm so proud of you.” I hear her voice catch with emotion, and I know it’s hard for her to say the next thing, but she boldly lifts her chin and meets my eyes dead-on. “He would be proud.”
My eyes automatically go to Baz, knowing she’s talking about Colt. I don’t need this shit right before work. I don’t want to think about all of this. I’ve wanted to make him proud since the day he died, maybe before that.
“Thank you,” I choke out, and thankfully she doesn’t push me. Lola’s good at that. She makes you think but doesn’t really force you to respond.
“Go teach.”
I nod and then address Baz, who’s still at the table, “I’m going to go shower, then we’ll go. Okay?”
He gives me the same thumbs up he gave Viv, and I grin before leaving to go get ready for the day.
Everything seems oddly calm and at the same time out of my control.
And I have no idea if that’s a good thing or not.
I started my day off working with Lola, but she went to take care of a meeting around noon, and I spent the rest of the day with Penelope. Which has been a blast. I couldn’t ask for better coworkers. When we’re heading back home, I can’t help but think about my conversation with Asher on the beach last night. If I'm honest, that’s where my mind was most of the day.
I know I shouldn’t pry. That it’s really not any of my business, but I have to.
“Penelope?” She glances over at me from the driver’s seat.
“Yes?”
I suddenly feel nervous. I don’t have any right to ask her about Colt, and I’m about to chicken out.
“What’s going on with you?”
“What?” I look at her with wide eyes as she focuses on the road even though we’re stuck in traffic at the moment and barely creeping along.
Her small shoulders lift as she holds onto the steering wheel. “You seem a little . . .” I think she’s looking for a nice way to say it, “distracted.”
Yeah, that’s a nice way to put it. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“So spill. Is it Asher?”
I know I can be honest with Penelope, and she won’t judge me. “We’ve started sleeping together again.”
She grins but doesn’t throw it in my face and isn’t cruel. “And?”
I shrug. “And nothing has really changed. I’m still the fool in love with the broken boy, and he’s still, well . . . broken.”
I see the anguish on her beautiful face as she gulps and then takes a deep breath, her fingers gripping the steering wheel. “I know. God, I wish I could help him move forward.” She shrugs her shoulders again, brushing away her strength and making it seem small. “Not that I'm one to talk.”
“You’ve come a long way.” Even if we haven’t been close for long, I know that.
“I still feel guilt from it all. We all do. I’m not sure it’ll ever go away completely.”
I nod. My time with Colt was minimal, but it had an enormous impact. “I don’t think so.”
She looks over at me quickly as she takes the exit toward our homes. “Vivienne, you do not need to feel guilty.”
My throat feels dry, but I decide to go for it. “Is that because you and Lincoln had an affair too?”
I keep my tone neutral. I’ll never judge them either. “Yes.”
My jaw nearly drops as I stare at her. “You did?”
She smiles sadly, turning toward our road. “Not the way everyone thinks, but yes, I loved them both since I met them.”
I don’t want to dig any deeper. It’s none of my business.
She looks pained as she parks her car in Lola’s driveway and turns toward me. “This is about Ash?”
I nod, feeling guilty for bringing this up to her and pulling her pain up to the surface. “You don’t have to talk about this, Penelope. I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy.”
“He doesn’t know the whole story.” That much I had figured out. She faces straight ahead, looking out the windshield. “For so long, I wished he would come to me and let me tell him my side of things.”
“He never did?”
Her head moves from side to side in a no. “I don’t think he really wanted to know the whole truth.”
Sounds like Asher.
She turns back to me, giving me a small, very sad smile. “Now I think Linc is right—that it’s best to ju
st leave the past in the past. Nothing good can come from dredging all this up again.”
I shrink back, again feeling guilty, but hating that Asher is still very much there, in the past, with his grief. “You don’t deserve his wrath, do you?”
“I’m not innocent in all of this, Viv.”
“None of us are innocent.”
“It feels like a lifetime ago.”
“For the record . . .” I owe her something even if I sound weak. “I think you’re an amazing human being. You didn’t have to be nice to me, but you’ve become one of my best friends.”
“You’re not hard to love, Viv.” Her smile turns bright. “And neither is that beautiful kid you made.”
With her boyfriend.
“I think you and Asher need to have a real conversation.”
She takes a deep breath, full of nerves. “He can’t be forced. Colt is held up high for all of us. And I’m okay with him being there, with Asher hating me.”
“But you don’t deserve it.”
She’s kind, and her tone is light when she smiles. “Viv, let it go.”
I should agree to drop it, but I can’t. Instead I tell her I'll see her tomorrow and exit the car politely.
Because I’m not so sure letting it go is the right way to handle this, and I feel a deep need to at least try to open Asher’s eyes.
“Jesus, Asher.” Viv gasps into my mouth as her fingernails scrape down my bare back, her small body under mine.
I remembered to lock the door. But I still cover her mouth with mine as she comes around my cock and moans my name so we don’t alert Baz who’s asleep down the hall.
We’re sweaty and spent when I roll off her, looking up at the ceiling in my room. I didn’t even make it one night without being inside her again.
She rolls to her side to face me, and I can feel her analyzing me. My voice is playful when I grin, still looking up. “Stop trying to figure me out, Viv.”
Her finger drags over my stomach, through the ridges that are the result of hours spent in the gym. “Oh, Asher Sterling, I figured you out long ago.”
I swivel my head to look at her, amused. “Is that so?”
She nods her head, still dragging her finger over my abs. “You’re the man who moved in with me to help with your nephew when you didn’t have to.”
I swallow the emotion I feel as she speaks. “That was not a hard decision.”
“Not for you, it wasn’t.” Her open palm rests over my heart. “You’re the man who makes Baz laugh so hard I'm afraid he’s going to throw up. But you do it because you love to hear him laugh,” her voice is quiet and calm as she smiles, “and see him happy.”
“Who wouldn’t want to hear that goofy-ass laugh?”
Her lips press against my shoulder as her body presses against mine. Her naked breast pressed against my side feels far too good. Even post orgasm, I can feel my dick stirring for her again. Because I can never get enough of her. “You’re the man who came from wealth and could have easily chosen a career to keep you in that same lifestyle but instead chose to teach young children.” Her chin lifts as she looks up at me, her eyes shining. “Because you’re a good man, Asher.”
This conversation is too deep. “Don’t give me too much credit, Viv.”
Her voice is a meek whisper as she looks into my eyes, not letting me off the hook. “Asher, I’m so sorry.”
I give one shake of my head, not wanting to talk about this. “You’ve said that.”
She looks determined as she moves her small body onto mine, her thighs straddling my waist as she looks down at me. “They all left you.”
I grab her hips, ready to lift her off me, but her hands cup my face and she commands me to listen to her using only her eyes. “Colt died and left you.”
A massive lump forms in my throat, and I feel the grief bubbling to the surface. “Don’t, Viv. Don’t talk about him.”
One hand remains on my cheek as her other drags over my jaw, her thumb sweeping over my bottom lip. “But then, so did Lincoln after Colt’s accident.”
The anger and bitterness grips me, thinking about Linc retreating after Colt died. I’m sure he felt intense guilt because I know he had something to do with Colt going on that fucking boat that night. Something happened between Colt, Linc, and P. “He had to go back to school.”
She lets her hand slide down my throat, her touch light. “Lola left you behind.”
“Stop.” My eyes meet hers with desperation.
“Your father left.”
I scoff at that. “That was a blessing.”
“But they all left you to pick up the pieces. Your mother . . ..”
Her hand rests over my heart, and I grab her wrist. “Who you adore.”
“I adore all of them. They were all drowning in unimaginable grief and guilt . . .” She lowers her head, her lips ghosting over mine, but she straightens her body again, peering down at me. “But it’s a fact that you were abandoned and left to pick up the pieces.”
“Why are you doing this?” My hand still has her wrist captured, although it’s me who’s the captive in this scenario.
“Because I’m so sorry, Asher.”
“Viv, don’t do this. We just fucked, and we should be on an orgasm high.” My other hand squeezes her hip gently. “I could go for round two.”
I’m deflecting, and I'm begging her to go with it. But, of course, this stubborn fucking woman won’t let that happen. Her breasts press against my chest and our hands between us when she leans back to my lips. “When I left you, I didn’t understand, Asher.”
My eyes darken. “I don’t want to talk about that.”
“But we need to.”
I groan. “Fine. What didn’t you understand when you became just another person to leave me?”
She winces, but she asked for this. And she doesn’t back down. Her lips hover over mine. “That you were in love with me too.”
My chest aches, and I can’t look her in the eyes. “Oh please.”
Her lips drag over mine, but she doesn’t kiss me. “I was shattered. I thought that you didn’t care about me. Maybe I was just young and naïve, but I thought I was going to die, and you seemed fine to me. I thought you’d just moved on. I didn’t see it, Asher.”
“Viv, this is ridiculous.” I want to get up, and I could easily lift her, but it’s her fucking eyes that hold me here when she pulls back enough to look deep into mine.
“You loved me too, but you weren’t ready to admit it, and I left you.”
“Please. Stop.” I’m flat-out begging her. I don’t want to talk about this. That was the worst time in my life, and I don’t want to go back to it.
“Halloween.” I almost gulp as she lays a kiss on my cheek. “The beach.” She kisses my other cheek. “Tonight.” She kisses my lips and whispers against them. “You didn’t fuck me.” She looks up at me, and I swear I can feel her heart beating against mine. “You made love to me.”
I let go of her wrist, gripping her hips with both hands and flip our bodies over so she’s tucked under me. But she looks up at me with fierce determination and no fear. “Was I too gentle?” My hand moves to her throat, but I don’t squeeze it tightly as I wrap my fingers around her slender neck. “Do you want me to choke you? Because I could do that. Or pull your hair?” I lean down, growling, “I know you like that.”
I feel her swallow against my hand, but she’s not scared. “Do whatever you want to me, Asher.” Her eyes flicker with fire. “No matter what it is, it will always be making love with us.”
My heart is thundering in my chest. I can’t seem to catch my breath as I press my lips against hers brutally, and she accepts the kiss. She opens her mouth to let my tongue sweep inside and nips my bottom lip.
It’s not gentle when I enter her again, and she moans my name, digging her nails into my back.
I pull away from her mouth, slamming into her again and again, both of us panting as she wraps her legs around me. “And why is that, Vi
v?”
She smiles and doesn’t miss a beat, her heels digging into my ass, pulling me deep inside her. “Because we love each other, you asshole.”
I can’t say anything back. All I can do is kiss her fiercely and let her feel she’s not wrong even if she already knows it.
I love her with everything I have.
I’m still stunned from the intense conversation I had with Asher last night. I didn’t know I had that kind of strength inside me. But it all needed to be said. I’m tired of pretending that I don’t love him. That he doesn’t love me.
He didn’t deny it.
And for now, that’s good enough for me, but there’s still some things left unsaid that I know I need to address before I lose my nerve.
When Baz is asleep and Lola and Hayden have gone to his place for the night, it’s just Asher and me out on the back patio.
“You want to go for a swim?”
“Sure. We could never do that in November in Kansas.” He grins and yanks his shirt off over his head.
I take a moment to bask in the dips and rises of each gloriously carved muscle. “We aren’t going to change into to bathing suits?”
He shrugs and pushes his slacks down. “Nope. Don’t be shy, Viv.”
I laugh, rolling my eyes before slipping out of my dress. My days of being shy with him are long gone. I’m left in pink panties and a matching bra I'm certain will be nearly see-through when wet.
His eyes take in every inch of my body, sending an excited shudder through me as he takes my hand and leads me into the pool. The water is cool but not bad. We float around the water together, but when he holds my hips in his strong hands and my hands rest on his shoulders, I know this is the moment I need to try. “I think you should talk to Penelope.”
He looks slightly confused now, his eyebrow lifts. “I talked to her today.”
“I mean about,” my heartbeat is rapid, too fast, “Colt. And her and Linc. The time before he died.”
“No.” He doesn’t think about it for even a second before shutting me down.