He stares at me intently for a moment, and then his gaze slips and drops down to my necklace. I analyze every move, every feature, and every other nonverbal cue I can, in an attempt to read him. For the briefest of seconds, I see something flash through his eyes. Hope, maybe? Or perhaps it’s warmth? It’s hard to tell at this point.
He swallows hard and lifts his gaze back up to mine. He lets his guard down, and he looks so vulnerable. It completely guts me. I know Christa’s still here watching us, but I can’t stand the distance anymore. I boldly stand up and move to sit down on the coffee table so I can be closer to him. It’s the perfect spot to give him my own rendition of the most unforgettable thing he said to me that first night.
I reach out to hold his hands, hoping that he’ll let me touch him. His eyes swing to my hands and back up to my face. He does this a few times, unsure. I slide my hand over the inside of his palm and intertwine our fingers together. It takes him an extra moment before he closes his down over mine. I let out the breath I’d been holding, slightly relieved.
“Do you feel this, baby? This is chemistry. You can’t deny it and neither can I. I’d love to sit here and tell you that I’ll never hurt you again, but I’m only human. I’m going to make mistakes and so are you. What I can guarantee you is I’ll do anything to make this relationship work. I promise to fight for you—for us—just like you have for me all along. I’m sorry I shut you out. I wanted to call you so badly,” I say, tormented. “Every damn day I tried to work up the courage to text or call you, but in the end, I was so scared of losing you, that my fear won out. I essentially lost you, anyway. Believe me; I’m constantly beating myself up over that one.” I scoot in closer to him until my bare knees are brushing up against his jeans.
“I need you to understand that I’ve lost so much.” I give his hands a small squeeze, trying to undo the pain I’ve caused him. “I lost my parents, my home, you...hell; I even lost myself for a while. But I’d rather live an amazing, colorful life with you, than merely exist in a dull gray world with someone else.”
He doesn’t say anything. He just continues to stare at me, his eyes intense. I really need him to say something after I just bared my soul. A feeling of unease begins to spread through my chest. Then, I’m painfully reminded that Christa is still sitting two feet away, watching us. My unease quickly escalates to a total fear of rejection.
Say something, Chase.
Say anything!
Silence.
For the first time, I fully comprehend the depth of what he’s been dealing with for the last month. All that time and effort he spent pouring his heart out, and I said nothing. He tried over and over again to profess his love for me, and I gave him sheer silence in return. Funny how these things always come full circle.
When it’s obvious he’s going to leave me hanging, I slowly rise and walk off without so much as another word. I force myself not to look at Christa’s reaction as I walk past her. I’m sure if I see the triumphant smile she’s wearing, I’ll reach out strangle her with my bare hands.
I meet up with Raven and Eric in the kitchen. Judging from the sympathetic looks I’m receiving, it’s evident they had been watching us like hawks the entire time. Great, guys.
“I need some air. I’ll be back in five,” I inform them.
I open the door, step outside, and close it behind me. I turn and bolt down the hallway to the main entrance. I push it open in a huff, and instantly feel relieved when the cool air hits my skin, giving me goose bumps. I feel like I can breathe again. It’s so hot and stuffy in there, not to mention the fact that Chase and Christa are still sitting side by side. That thought alone is suffocating.
I rest my hands on my hips and look up at the stars in the night sky. Hundreds of them are twinkling brightly above my head. I’m completely heartbroken after that, but oddly enough, I actually feel whole again, too. I feel like me—sassy. There’s something to be said for facing your deepest fears and surviving them. I guess that’s the beauty of having nothing left to lose. It’s harder to fear the unknown. Like, what are you going to do to me, Universe? Fuck me over and take everything away? That threat becomes obsolete after enough loss. Short of killing off my three best friends and finding out that I have stage four terminal cancer with no hope for a morphine drip, I’d say I’m sitting pretty good. Conquering fear sets you free. And ladies and gentlemen, I’m finally free.
I’m just glad I was able to apologize and explain myself. Even if it didn’t change anything, or mend my broken heart, it still needed to be said. Now, I can finally have some closure. There’s plenty of time for me to go home and cry my eyes out later, which will happen.
When I hear the door swing open, I swivel around and I’m met with my favorite pair of sapphire eyes. Chase is watching me, his expression unreadable. It’s painful and downright sad how much I miss looking at him, talking to him, kissing him. He looks away for a moment as if to gather his thoughts, and opens his mouth to say something before deciding against it. He runs his hands through his hair, and his gaze finds mine again. This time, he’s looking at me with the same intensity he had the first time our eyes locked up on that balcony. My breath catches and my heart gradually starts to come alive and beat again.
Then, faster than I can keep up with, he breaks out of his stance and takes five long, fast strides to close the space between us. He roughly grabs my face and pulls me up to his mouth, kissing me fiercely. The kiss feels brand new. It’s like we’re starting all over again. Everything feels foreign, but slightly familiar, too.
I wrap my arms around his neck and reciprocate with everything I’ve got, pouring weeks of pain, agony, longing, and love into the kiss. I give him all of me, and I take all of him in return. Our mouths are fused together with our tongues collide in a frenzy.
God, I’ve missed this.
I’ve missed him.
He bites down seductively on my bottom lip and gradually pulls back until it releases from his hold. His eyes are blazing, serious. He gently runs his finger down the tip of my nose. My eyes close reflexively, relishing in the small but significant contact.
“Why’d you leave me, babe?”
My eyes pop open, alarmed. “I didn’t,” I say defensively.
“Yeah, you did.”
“No,” I challenge, stubborn. “I was scared. I didn’t want to lose you.”
“So, let me get this straight; I harass you for weeks trying to get you to talk to me, but you don’t call or text me back because you are scared of losing me? Does that make any fucking sense to you, Mia?”
“Do I make any sense to you?” I retort.
He ponders that for a moment. “No,” he says decidedly. “You make absolutely no sense. We could’ve avoided this whole thing if you had just communicated with me. Have I ever given you any reason to think I’d leave you behind when things get tough for us?”
“No,” I sulk. “You make it sound so simple, but I was going through a lot. I couldn’t think clearly after I lost my mom. You don’t think logically when you’re grieving because all you feel is pain.”
His eyes soften. “I know, but I’m still pissed.”
“At me?”
He nods. “Mia, you completely shut me out without any explanation. I understood why at first, but as time went on, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever even hear from you again. I didn’t know if you were trying to end it with me, or what. You gave me absolutely no indication that you wanted this to work.”
An unwelcomed thought crosses my mind when he says that. “Did you mess around with anyone else while we were...apart?” I ask. I have to know because that would change everything.
His eyes become dark and cold. “Absolutely not,” he grits through his teeth. He’s offended.
I nod, relieved. “Good. I didn’t think so.”
“You shouldn’t even have to ask me that question,” he says, irritated.
“It’s not like I believed you did. I was just double-checking.” I change the subject, hopi
ng to lift his mood. “By the way, thank you very much for my dresser and my necklace. They are the best gifts I’ve ever received...besides your heart,” I say, trying to be cute. If he thinks I’m cute, he’s less likely to continue bitching me out for my stupidity.
He stares into my eyes, his expression unreadable. Suddenly, he grabs my hips and hoists me up. I wrap my arms and legs around him. “Don’t do that to me again,” he warns. “I can’t do that a second time. I need you to be all in this with me, or not at all.”
“I won’t. I’m all in,” I reassure him.
His shoulders relax. He presses his lips to mine and his hands slide down to palm my ass greedily. He releases a slow groan into my mouth and my body stirs with arousal. He breaks the kiss and looks at me quizzically. I wait patiently while understanding sweeps over his features. I know what just registered with him and I have to bite back a triumphant smile.
His eyes widen in shock but in a good way. “You’re not wearing any underwear under this dress?” he asks, stunned.
I shake my head and smile wickedly. “Nope.”
Without saying another word, he strides across the parking lot with me in tow. He pulls his keys out of his pants and unlocks his car. He opens the door and slides me across the backseat, my body gliding effortlessly over the leather. When he has me all situated, he closes the door and walks around the car to the driver’s seat. He gets in and puts on his seatbelt.
“What are you doing?” I ask, sitting up. He starts up the car and the engine roars to life. Hastily, he shifts the gear in reverse and backs out.
“I’m taking you back to my place.”
“Why am I in the backseat then?” I ask, not understanding.
“Because you are going to lie back down and pleasure yourself while I watch you from the rearview mirror. If I’m driving, I’m going to need something spectacular to watch to make the trip less boring,” he says, completely serious. He adjusts the mirror so he can see me.
“You’re crazy!”
“Only for you, babe,” he promises.
And just like that, we’re off for the ride.
EPILOGUE
o n e y e a r l a t e r
I unload the final box of Mia’s stuff out of my Mustang and reach up to close the trunk. Today’s the day she’s moving in with me. I couldn’t be more excited. I’ve been trying to talk her into this for the last three or four months, and last week she finally gave me the green light. I wasted no time helping her pack her things up and moving her out of Raven’s place and into mine. It’s where she belongs. I’m her home now.
I settle the box against my hip and walk into the front door. Mia’s sitting crossed legged in the middle of the living room floor unpacking. She’s wearing a simple black tank, jeans, and the necklace I made for her. She looks radiant, as always. Her hair is shorter now, too. She cut it just above her shoulders and it’s pulled back into a high ponytail. It’s fucking adorable. As I stand here and gawk at her, I’m reminded of how lucky I am.
Raven is in the kitchen helping us unpack and setting up decorations to make the place “feel more cozy.” She and Mia made a trip to the Home Goods store and they came back with a bunch of stuff we didn’t need. She offered to redecorate our apartment, and much to my dismay, Mia let her. I’m letting that one slide since I won the bigger battle by convincing her to move in. Besides, Raven needs the distraction right now. She and Eric broke up a few weeks ago. It’s definitely putting some strain on the dynamic between the four of us because they can’t seem to tolerate being in the same room with each other anymore. Mia’s worried that they won’t be able to get past that, but I keep reassuring her that in time it will happen.
As for me, I recently quit my job at Surge so I could spend more time with Mia, and it’s easily one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I don’t need or want the extra money anymore. The bulk of my income is still coming from carpentry. One day, I’d like to take over my dad’s business or start my own.
Mia enrolled herself at the University of Texas, which is only about a ten or fifteen minute drive from our apartment. Because she had a year under her belt at Bethany, she only has three more to complete and then she’ll have her bachelor’s degree in Music Business. I think it’s quite fitting. She’s also still waitressing at the steakhouse to help pay her way through school.
The sound of a toilet flushing and the sink turning on brings me back to the here and now. A moment later, a six-months-pregnant Meg comes strolling out of the bathroom and sits down on the couch. She’s been helping us unpack, but I won’t let her do any heavy lifting. She’s extra moody lately and is constantly reminding me that she’s not a porcelain doll. I know she’s not fragile, but I don’t want to take any chances with my baby niece in there.
“If I had a nickel for every time I had to pee, I’d be a millionaire by now,” she says.
“Good to know,” I say sarcastically.
Mia laughs and Meg shoots her a look of mock annoyance. Meg loves Mia and Mia loves Meg. Hell, I think Mia likes my sister more than me some days. The two have been spending a lot of time together, and Mia can’t hardly wait until Meg gives birth. Our whole family was thrilled when we found out she and Luke were expecting. Those two will make exceptional parents.
I set the box down on the ground and stride over to Mia. Crouching down to her level, I rest my forearms on top on my knees and lean in to steal a quick kiss. Each one is always better than the last. She gives me a bright smile and grasps my face in her hands. She brings me in so we’re forehead to forehead, and looks deeply into my eyes.
“I love you, Chase Williams,” she says earnestly.
“Lay it on me, babe,” I tell her.
She bites down on her bottom lip to fight back her smile and leans in for another heart-stopping, boner-inducing, kiss.
“Are you sure about me moving in? I won’t drive you batshit crazy living here?” she asks, her eyes uncertain.
I reach up to cup her cheek in my hand like she’s the most precious thing in the world—because she is. “Babe, I’m sure you are going to drive me batshit crazy, and I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I promise with a smirk.
“So what comes next?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I have no idea. We’ll find out when we get there. All I know is I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The rest we can figure out as we go.”
“I like that. We can keep it light. Nothing too heavy.”
“Isn’t that your life’s motto?” I joke. I think we can all agree that Mia’s life has been anything but easy. She fights hard, loves harder, and truly tries to make the most of everything she has. Not a day goes by where I don’t know how much she loves me, and I give her the same reassurance in return. She now let’s me lighten the load for her when it all becomes too heavy.
When she starts to fall, I’ll always catch her. She’ll never have to worry about tumbling into the abyss again because I will jump in there after her and yank her back out, kicking and screaming. I want to give her everything. I want her to experience a life beyond her wildest dreams. Each and every day, I want her smiling and laughing harder than the last.
It will happen.
I told you once before, I’m persistent.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
First and foremost, let me start by thanking the incredible Lisa Cerasoli. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I couldn’t have asked for a better editor. You’re absolutely amazing. Thank you so much for all of your notes, dedication, hard work, honesty, and praise. You repeatedly pushed me to do better, and the book greatly improved because of it. Also, a big thank you goes out to your fabulous assistants, too! Thanks, Danielle, the book looks great.
To Stephanie White of Steph’s Cover Design, who created the most beautiful masterpiece in the history of all book covers. I’m absolutely in love with it! It’s not what I imagined it would be...it’s even better.
To Dr. Ken Atchity, who accepted Lisa’s pitch and took a chance on m
e and this crazy book. I’m well aware that many people never get this opportunity, and I don’t take it for granted. I’m so thrilled to be involved with Story Merchant Books, and I can’t wait to see where this journey takes us!
To the various bloggers who have supported me along the way. You ladies have been a HUGE help and an invaluable asset—specifically; True Story Book Blog, Chicks Controlled by Books, Sassy Divas Book Blog, Mean Girls Luv Books, Hooked on Books, The Book Bellas, and Bare Naked Words. And thanks to all you future bloggers, too!
To my closest girlfriends; Vicky Stafford, Rikki Schechinger, and Jamie Melton—for your continued support throughout the years, and for the time you’ve spent reading and critiquing this novel—you are the best kind of friends that anyone could ever ask for. I’m so lucky to have you in my life.
To my parents, who taught me from a very young age that I can be whatever I want to be as long as I’m willing to work hard for it. Mom—the reason I dream so big is because of you. Thank you for being my biggest fan and loudest cheerleader.
To my brother, Zach Smith, for the advice, encouragement, critiques, and for being the primary inspiration for Chase and Meg’s sibling dynamic. Your review of my work still makes me laugh: “Everyone in this book is crass as fuck.” From you, that’s a compliment. Thanks, bud. For real.
To Ben Pratt, who was there through all the smiles, the tears, the hard work, the venting sessions, the elation, the drunken blunders, and the dream chasing. Thank you for taking me seriously from the start, and for always sticking by my side. I love you, babe.
To all my other family members and friends—what an amazing support system—I love you all dearly.
And last, but most certainly not least, thank you to every reader who took a chance on this book. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Your support means the world to me. Without you, I would not be able to do this. Thank you for making my dream come true!
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