“So does he know?” Madison asked, and suddenly I felt lower than low. How was I supposed to explain myself to the very person on whom I accidentally blamed all my problems? My pause brought Madison to the wrong conclusion.
“Wait, he didn’t leave you when you told him, did he? Oh man, Mom and Dad are going to kick his ass.” She shook her head in disbelief. “I’m going to kick his ass too.”
Placing my hand on her leg to still her from getting up, I finally found my voice, “No, he doesn’t know. I think we both know your brother wouldn’t walk away for that reason.”
She sighed in relief. “I didn’t think so, but you had me worried for a second there. Wait, you weren’t going to keep this from him, were you? Because that is not okay with me either.”
Again, I shook my head and gave her a little laugh. “You’re a little intense … like your brother. But no, that wasn’t my plan. We aren’t exactly on speaking terms.”
“Yeah, why is that?” Madison asked with a calculated look, almost like she was trying to determine if I was going to be allowed near her brother again based on what I said. My body suddenly felt heavy, and I lounged back into the couch, closing my eyes. Owning up to your shit is exhausting.
“Do you want the long version or the Reader’s Digest version?” I asked honestly. Jonathan may not have wanted to tell his family, but the mistakes were mine, and I needed to be accountable for them.
Madison leaned back, pulling her leg underneath her, clearly settling in for a long story. Taking a deep breath, I told her everything that involved my breakup with her brother. The assumptions I made, the nasty things I said, and the overall rejection and accusations I’d made that, up until twenty minutes ago, felt valid and strong. Now, all they were was hurtful, degrading, and absolutely wrong. Just telling them to another person left a sour taste in my mouth. Then again, that could be the nausea returning. I took a quick sip of my ginger ale as I waited for her to judge me.
She was silent, thoughtful, and reminded me a little of Mari who always examined things from every possible angle. Glancing at Mari, I hoped to get her input. All she did, though, was wave the cherry blow pop she was eating, teasing me with it. I was about to flip her off when Madison asked, “Do you know anything about Jonathan’s relationship with our dad?”
Thinking about it, I recalled him mentioning it was strained, but I couldn’t remember why. Shaking my head, I said, “I don’t think he ever told me much about it other than they didn’t get along.”
“Figures,” Madison grumbled. “Okay, so here’s the deal. My brother, being the uptight, non-forgiving asshole he is, hasn’t forgiven our dad for cheating on our mom. Long story short, mistress rears her ugly head, Mom freaks out, drama ensues, yada-yada-yada. Mom and Dad divorce, the mistress’s husband goes bat-shit-crazy and shoots Mom…”
Mari’s and my gasps interrupt her rambling. “Are you serious?” I asked, honestly thinking she was just being dramatic, but also a little baffled that Jonathan hadn’t told me any of this.
She nodded. “Oh yeah, dead serious. Our mom was shot because our dad’s mistress, who he’d broken things off with, had a husband who blamed him for everything he lost. So he tried to kill my mom. Luckily, he was a bad shot, and Mom was a quick thinker. Anyway, Jonathan hasn’t forgiven Dad for all that happened, and all that could’ve happened to Mom.”
“Oh my God, that’s crazy. Did your mom forgive your dad?” I was totally sucked into the story.
“Everyone has gotten past it—my mom, my stepdad, my uncles, and even my dad to a degree. Jonathan is the only exception. He hates what Dad did to Mom, and how Mom even tried to shelter us from the truth. He didn’t even talk to Dad for the year after the divorce. He despises cheaters.”
And that was when it hit me. “Oh my God…” My eyes closed as fresh tears joined the party. “And I accused him of cheating, and then didn’t even let him explain.”
“Wow, Lee, talk about going epic on the hittin’‘em where it hurts scale,” Mari said with mild humor, obviously trying to lighten things up. This time, I did flip her off.
“Yeah, well at least now I know why he’s been a total douchebag since I got back from Europe. I can’t wait to tell Mom, because she’s been trying to figure it out. I mean, she figured the two of you broke up because he was actually sleeping at the house when he was down here, but now I can tell her why,” Madison prattled on.
“No! You can’t tell your mom why. She’ll hate me!” I exclaimed.
Madison laughed. “Mom doesn’t hate anyone. Well, unless you’re her husband’s mistress.”
I dropped my face into my hands. “Why didn’t he defend himself? Why didn’t he stand up to me and tell me how freaking wrong I was?” I growled at nobody in particular, pissed that he let it go this far. “All he had to do was tell me to shut up and listen to him, and then things would’ve been fine! Hell, we could’ve had that make-up sex he kept trying for.”
“Eww, too much, Lee!” Madison said, making a gagging face.
“You wanna hear too much? I’ll tell you things that will make your stomach…” Mari began before I threw a pillow at her.
“Stop it, Mari!”
“Fine, fine. Guess you can’t take a joke in your delicate condition.” Mari snorted and hugged the pillow to her chest.
Next to me, Madison laughed. “You’re an awful lot like my Aunt Allie. You know that?”
“That’s what I’ve been told. She sounds awesome,” Mari said with a smile.
“She’s the best.”
The two of them went back and forth, becoming friends while I sat there and stewed over my current situation. It was clear that, regardless of what had happened between us, I still had something important to tell Jonathan. As Madison pointed out, his less-than-forgiving nature, which I wasn’t familiar with until now, would keep us from being together. I guess I understood that. I didn’t like it at all, but I understood. After all was said and done, I was the reason we weren’t together anymore, so how could I possibly hold it against him for not forgiving me, when I hurt him the way I did.
Looked like my assumptions really did make an ass out me…
Sitting across the street from his mother’s house, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was making a mistake. It was clear Jonathan wanted nothing to do with me. After all, I’d been trying to call for three weeks now and he’d yet to respond. So did I really want to walk up to his front door and blurt everything out to him in front of his family? I rubbed the spot over my temples, trying to fight off the headache that had been lingering for the past two days. This really wasn’t my idea of a good time, but Jonathan had left me with few options.
He needed to know that I would do what I had to in order for him to hear me, including showing up at his mom’s place to look for him. If I was unsuccessful here, then I’d venture up to Orange County to track him down. At this point, it had become my sole mission in life. Mari wanted to call it “Operation Baby Daddy,” but I just walked away from her when she said that.
According to my calculations, or the ones they had online, I was approximately seven weeks pregnant right now. I told myself that I would find Jonathan and tell him before I was eight weeks. And since I refused to belittle the importance of my child’s existence by putting it in a text message, I was under the gun. Besides, Mari was threatening to inform him by way of a brick through his car window. Lucky for him, I loved that car.
Today, I had inside knowledge that he would be home. Madison. Desperate times called for desperate measures. So for as many times as I tried to contact Jonathan, if he had a problem with today’s ambush, maybe next time he’d take my phone call.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm my anxiety, and nausea for that matter. Reaching over, I grabbed another saltine off the passenger seat and shoved it in my mouth. Never would’ve thought these things worked on nausea, but they really did. The sheer volume of them that I’d consumed this past month was a testament to that.
Decid
ing I’d puttered around in the car long enough, I pulled the keys from the ignition and flung my door open—probably with more enthusiasm than necessary—and exited the car. I self-consciously straightened my shirt, like I was hiding something that wasn’t even visible yet. What a dork.
Staring at the house, I took another deep breath, willing my heart rate to slow because I knew stress wasn’t good for us. I smiled at the thought of us … I was a permanent us now. This acceptance had settled in nicely over the past weeks. Once I was able to get over how stupidly I’d thrown everything away. No time to dwell on that now. Madison said he was home, and I needed to get this over with.
While I still had the nerve, I crossed the street. My vision blurred a little as I watched the driveway sway. Pausing at the end of it, I blinked repeatedly but couldn’t reproduce the sensation. I headed for the door, making a mental note to write that down to discuss at my doctor appointment. Suddenly, the overwhelming need to throw up washed over me. Oh no, not now, this can’t happen here!
Quickly, I turned to leave, but a voice on the other side of the security screen stopped me. “Leeann, are you okay?” Jonathan’s mom, Gillian, asked.
Well, I’ve been knocked up by your son and now he won’t return my calls. Turning back to the door, I forced down my sarcastic inner monologue so I could answer politely, but it wasn’t words coming up. Surprised at how quick my reflexes were, considering how shitty I felt, I managed to lean over the porch railing and thoroughly vandalize the walkway. Behind me, the door opened before a hand began rubbing my back, soothing me as I heaved once again. Who would’ve thought that something as simple as blinking my damn eyes or opening my mouth could make me vomit?
I should’ve been used to it by now, considering how often it happened, but I wasn’t. My body ached from doing this so much. I closed my eyes and willed the earth to open up and swallow me whole.
A moment later, a damp cloth was pressed against my cheek, and I immediately reached for it. I decided it was fine to hide behind the rag a few seconds longer than I needed to. The whole ‘I can’t see you, so you can’t see me’ approach.
“Here’s some water, sweetheart. Swish and spit first. If you swallow any, it might set you off again.” Gillian’s soft voice once again brought tears to my eyes and encouraged me to come out of hiding.
Finding her gaze, the embarrassment I was trying to avoid washed over me. “I’m so sorry. Just give me a minute, and I can clean it up.”
Gillian only smiled and shook her head. “Nonsense. That’s what men are for, right?”
I couldn’t help but smile at that. With a nod of acquiescence from me, she had her arm around my waist as she escorted me inside. Gillian took me past the living area and straight to the bathroom. “Take a few moments to freshen up; there’s some mouth wash under the sink if you need it. I’ll be right outside the door in case you need me.”
“Thank you,” I managed to push past the burn clogging my throat. Tears were threatening again, but she didn’t draw attention to them as she closed the door behind her. Taking in my reflection, I cringed. Between the runny eye makeup and the pasty complexion I was sporting, I definitely wouldn’t be winning any contests. Grabbing a tissue, I made myself presentable. Once I was cleaned up, I took another moment to find the courage to actually leave the bathroom. Haven’t I done this already?
Taking in a slow, slightly shaky breath, I opened the door to find Gillian a few feet away. She was still smiling as took my hand and led me to the couch in the front room. She took the seat next to me, and I could tell she was planning on saying something as she handed me a water.
“Feeling better?” she asked.
I nodded. “Yes, thank you. I really am sorry.”
“No worries. It wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened, and it won’t be the last,” she said with a laugh. The normalcy of the conversation calmed me even more. Then she dropped the bomb on me.
“So, how far along are you?” she asked, point blank. I sputtered and began to cough as the water I was drinking went down the wrong pipe. Again she patted and rubbed my back until I recovered from the fit. She laughed a little when I looked at her, my eyes wide, and I kind of wanted to deny it. It almost felt like I was doing something wrong, even though I knew I wasn’t. The plan was to tell Jonathan, and then he would tell his mom. But as I sat there, the fact that the matriarch of the family seemed totally fine with this news, I couldn’t stop the sob of relief that crawled its way up my throat and exploded in the space between us.
“Shh, Lee, relax. It’s going to be okay. No need to get yourself worked up.”
Relax? I’d love to relax. I needed relaxation desperately, but anxiety and tension seemed to have found a permanent residence in my body. The overwhelming fatigue that had settled over my bones put my body in a position I’d never experienced before. I feared the length of time I might have to endure it. It scared the shit out of me. All my thoughts coalesced and before I realized it, silent sobs racked my body as I clung to Gillian, completely wrapped in her motherly embrace.
This somehow turned to nonsensical babbling and mumbled apologies. I had no idea if I was apologizing for the vomiting, the sobbing, or the news of her illegitimate grandchild. Yeah, today was definitely making it into the hall-of-fame as one of the worst days ever!
The soothing motion of Gillian’s hand on my back and down my hair was one only perfected by a mother. Even though that sadly reminded me of her son. I found myself clinging to her—a physical connection to Jonathan.
After a short while, I felt I was finally calm enough to talk. The least I could do after throwing up on this woman’s walkway, and then sobbing all over her, was explain myself. Pulling away from her embrace, I tried not to be self-conscious about what I looked like now. A second later, a box of tissue appeared in front of me.
After quickly wiping at my face to make sure there was nothing too embarrassing hanging off my nose, I squared my shoulders and looked to Gillian. Her expression was soft and consoling. “A good cry always helps, doesn’t it?”
Snorting a raspy laugh, I agreed, “Yeah, if only I could do it within the confines of my bedroom and without witnesses.”
She waved my statement off. “What good would that do you? Then you’d be alone and wouldn’t have anyone to chat with when you’re ready.”
I understood her unasked request—wondering if I was ready to talk. Obviously I had something to say to her, since I showed up on her doorstep. Nodding my head, I dropped my gaze to my lap, watching my fingers lock tightly around each other, clenching repeatedly. It felt like I was trying to pump a little courage through my body. Taking a shaky breath, I forged ahead, “I’m sorry for coming here today. I really didn’t see another way, but I have to talk to Jonathan. I wouldn’t have if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.”
Gillian’s hands covered mine with a gentle squeeze. Looking up, her soft smile helped my anxiety levels. Her words did even more. “You’re welcome here anytime, sweetheart. I mean that … anytime.”
She was nodding her head, encouraging me to agree with her. So I did.
“Now, other than the obvious news of me becoming a grandmother, is there anything else you need to talk about before I call for Jonathan?”
She seemed so understanding of the news, which surprised me. “You’re not upset or angry about it?”
I wasn’t sure why I thought she would be. I mean, my mom wasn’t mad either—just accepting. Well, that and concerned, but she said everything would find a way to work out. I had to believe that, too.
“Of course I’m not angry. How could I be? That would make me the biggest hypocrite in the world. Besides, you’re already five years older than I was when I got pregnant with Jonathan. In fact, by your age, I’d already had Madison, too. So you have nothing to worry about from us, okay?”
I couldn’t help the smile that tugged at my lips. Relief was a warm and fuzzy feeling as it took root. It was a blanket to my frazzled nerves, and my body sagg
ed at the sensation. Leaning into the back of the couch, I sighed, realizing how wrung out I felt. My body felt heavy and sluggish, making my smile hard work. “Thank you.”
“Of course,” she soothed. “Now, tell me, does Jonathan know? Or has he been keeping this from me?”
Shaking my head, I explained, “We’re not really speaking, and he isn’t taking my calls. This really wasn’t something I wanted to tell him by a text or in a voicemail.”
Gillian snorted her annoyance. I almost thought it was directed at me until she said, “That son of mine can be a pain in the ass. He is a lot like his father. Though don’t ever tell him that ‘cause it’ll only make him cranky.” She shook her head and seemed to ponder something for a moment before continuing, “Well, my son’s stupidity is another matter. You two may have your issues, but that doesn’t mean you and I do, especially now that you’re carrying my first grandchild.”
The excitement in her voice brought a fresh round of tears to my eyes. I should really be concerned about dehydration at this point. Still baffled by her acceptance, I said, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, sweetie. Now let me go get Jonathan,” Gillian said with an encouraging smile.
“No need, Mom. I’m right here.” Jonathan’s voice filled my head, anger clear in his voice. With it came a wave of longing. Hoping to maintain the calm I’d just achieved moments ago with Gillian, I silently watched him. But that hope faded seconds later when Jonathan walked to the front door, opened it, and said, “You’re not welcome here, so please leave.”
“Jonathan!” his mother scolded him.
On shaky legs, I slowly stood, exhaustion and fatigue weighing heavily on me. Something in me wanted to obey him. I could feel his pain radiating off him, and I fought the need to sooth him. In the back of my mind, I barely recalled the reason I was there. But I wasn’t able to hold onto that recollection as my vision once again blurred. “I’ll just go…” My words came out slurred and sluggish. Blinking, I looked at Jonathan and wanted to smile. His anger was gone, and in its place was the face I’d missed so desperately for the past month. But that handsome face became a haze just before he called out my name … and then everything went dark.
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