by Mary Manners
“He loves those boys.”
“Yes...and I have a sneaking suspicion that’s not all he loves.”
“What? You mean...” A hand flew to her mouth. “No!”
“Yes. I know Cody...I know.” She set the plates and napkins on the table and reached for a box of plastic forks. “He’s...fond of you, Rena. If you don’t share the sentiment, you should let him know...soon. He’s been through a lot. Don’t hurt him, OK?”
“I wouldn’t...hurt him.”
Not intentionally...
Jeanne turned to gaze at her. A moment passed, and then she nodded and smiled before she lifted Tommy’s cake from the counter. “Let’s get this on the table. I hear the little rug rats barreling down the stairs.”
Seth darted into the kitchen and wiggled into Rena’s arms. “I wanna help Tommy blow out his candles, Mama.”
“Sure you can, and Jackson, too.”
“Does Tommy know how to make a wish?”
“Maybe we should show him how it’s done, since it’s his first time, sport.” Cody came in carrying a freshly diapered Tommy. Rena inhaled the soft scent of baby powder as they came near. Memories rushed in, and her belly twisted.
Don’t hurt Cody...you have to tell him.
Cody pulled the high chair close to the table. “You want him in this, sis?”
“Please. Don’t bother with a bib.” She handed Rena a camera. “Will you snap some pictures while we do the cake?”
“Of course.”
Jeanne placed the quarter-sheet cake covered in mud-colored frosting and miniature monster trucks onto Tommy’s high chair tray.
“Should we sing now, Mama?” Seth asked.
“Go for it, honey.”
They’d barely made it through the birthday song and blown out the single blue candle when Tommy grabbed a handful of frosting and smeared it through his pale blonde hair.
Jackson laughed. “Look, Mama, he ate some of the dirt.”
“An’ he shoved some up his nose, too,” Seth added. “Ooh, gross!”
Jeanne’s eyes shimmered with bittersweet tears Rena tried to swallow past the lump in her throat. Allie would never have a first birthday party, and Caden would never see thirty-four. But Tommy was one-year-old, and they were all together.
Where will I be when he’s two? Rena’s breath hitched. She was sure her heart tore just a bit. She glanced at Cody, who had pulled Seth and Jackson close to his side. The way her pulse stuttered and quickened told her what she already knew—she loved him. Tears filled her eyes. She lowered her gaze to hide them.
“Who wants cake and ice cream?”
“I do, Mama. Me. Me!” Both boys jumped up and down like pogo sticks gone wild. Rena helped Jeanne dish out plates of cake and vanilla bean ice cream while Cody snapped photos of Tommy covered in whipped brown icing.
“Can I have a truck?” Jackson asked through a mouthful of chocolate cake.
“Me, too,” Seth echoed. “I want a truck.”
“There are three, so you can each choose one, and we’ll save the third for when Tommy’s a little older. He can play with it then.”
“I like the green one.”
“I want the blue one.”
“Perfect.” Jeanne wiped Tommy’s pudgy face and hands and moved what was left of the cake well out of his reach. “We’ll save the purple one for Tommy.”
“What about the presents, Mama? Tommy’s gotta open his presents.”
“That’s right, little man.” Cody handed up the one he’d brought, a rectangular box wrapped in bright paper decorated with baby zoo animals. “Maybe you boys should help him open it, show him how it’s done.”
That was all the permission Seth and Jackson needed. They tore into the gift, revealing a mini basketball set with a foam ball and an adjustable plastic hoop.
“I don’t think he’ll know how to use this, Uncle Cody. He’s just a baby.”
“You’ll both have to teach him. Think you can handle that?”
“Yeah. I get to go first ’cause I’m oldest,” Jackson informed them. “Oldest always goes first.”
“Miss Rena brought a present, too,” Seth ignored Jackson’s comment. “Look, she brought a big bag.”
“Yes.” Rena fished through the bag and brought out two brightly wrapped packages. “I have something for each of you.”
“Us? But it’s not our birthday.”
“I know. But you’re the big brothers, and that’s a very important job. You have lots to teach Tommy. You’ll have to be patient, and sometimes that’s hard.”
“I can be pa-um...patient.” Seth stumbled over the word. “But Jackson’s not.”
“Am, too, when you’re not being a big, fat dummy.”
“I’m not a dummy!”
“I didn’t say you are, did I, Uncle Cody?”
“You’re walking a fine line, little man. I’d rein it in if I were you.”
“Yes, sir. Can we open our presents now?”
“Have at it.”
A frenzy of tearing ensued, and scraps of paper flew like confetti.
“It’s Green Eggs and Ham!” Even though Seth wasn’t able to read yet, he identified the story by its cover. “Look, Mama. Now we can make eggs whenever we want. Miss Rena even gave me the stuff that turns the eggs green.” He held up the box of food coloring.
“And I got Mon...Monsters of the Deep.” Jackson thumbed through the colorful, oversized pages. “Cool! Look at this one, Uncle Cody. This fish has fangs.”
“Boy, that’s something.”
“Will you read them to us, Miss Rena? Will you?”
“And can we make green eggs and ham tonight?”
“No eggs tonight, sport. “ Cody mussed his hair. “It’s getting late, almost your bedtime.”
“Aww! Let’s see what Tommy got. Bet it’s a book.”
“Here, Tommy, open it.” Jackson took his baby brother’s fingers and carefully guided them to tear the wrapping paper. “Good job. You did it!”
Tommy squealed, resulting in a round of laughter from his brothers.
“What’s the name of this book, Miss Rena?”
“W-Whe-Where the Wild Things Are.”
“Good job, Jackson,” Rena praised. “What a great reader you are! This is one of my most favorite books ever. That’s why I wanted to share it with the three of you.”
Suddenly Tommy burst into tears, rubbing his sleepy eyes.
“Uh oh, there he goes. Mama’s not gonna get any sleep again tonight if he keeps that up.”
“Let’s give your mom a break. How about I tuck you guys in tonight and read you stories, if your mom agrees, that is.”
“You don’t have to ask. Of course I agree.” Wearily, Jeanne lifted Tommy from the high chair and pressed him to her shoulder. “Head on upstairs and brush your teeth, boys.”
“Will you give me a piggy back ride, Uncle Cody?” Jackson was already scrambling up his back.
“I want one, too.” Seth wrapped his arms around Cody’s legs.
“How about I take you, Seth,” Rena offered. “And Cody can take Jackson.”
“OK. We made a tent in the playroom. Mama said we can sleep there tonight.”
“Then you’d better wash up and get your pajamas on so Rena can read to you.”
“Yes, sir.” Seth stifled a yawn. He was fading fast.
The boys scampered off to the bathroom. “This is...nice.” Rena sighed and relaxed against the wall. She heard water running and the clatter of brushing teeth and little faces being scrubbed clean. “They’re great kids.”
“Jeanne’s done a fantastic job in an incredibly tough situation.”
“You’re not so bad yourself.”
He drew her into his arms, surrounding her with a mixture of aftershave, sweet grass, and chocolate cake. “You’re so good with kids. I’ve seen you at the rec center, and with preschoolers at story hour, and now my nephews. Do you ever think you might want—?”
She stiffened.
“—more kids?”
She took a step back. “I can’t think about that, Cody. Not yet, maybe not ever. You should understand that about me.”
“But—”
She pulled from his embrace. She thought she’d lost all that she cared about, all that she loved, when she’d buried Allie. But her heart seemed to be breaking apart and her eyes burned with tears. She loved Cody. She knew she did, but she could never give him all he needed…all he desired. The world felt like it was ending all over again. Her voice cracked and she pressed a fist to her mouth to stifle a sob. “I-I’d better check on the boys.”
****
He’d seen the tears in her eyes and heard the catch in her voice. He sat at the top of the stairs, drinking in the organized chaos in the bathroom. The boys giggled, no doubt making silly faces in the mirror, as he knew they loved to do. When she’d gathered her emotions and stuffed the sorrow deep into her heart again, Rena’s laughter chimed in like the melodic sound of tinkling glass.
Cody sighed and rubbed the scruff of stubble across his chin. Rena was great with kids, a natural. He wished she’d share what happened with the...with her baby.
Lord, help me to understand why she’s so afraid to let herself love again.
He padded down the stairs and joined Jeanne in the kitchen.
“Here, I’ll take him.” Cody reached for Tommy and took the bottle of milk Jeanne had just prepared. He slid into a chair at the table and pressed the bottle to Tommy’s mouth. The baby sucked the milk greedily.
“Coffee?” Jeanne offered him a mug.
Steam swirled over the rim and the aroma of French vanilla soothed. Cody nodded, sighing, and took it.
“You OK?” She slid into a chair beside him and sipped her own steaming brew.
“Just a little frustrated, is all.”
“Rena?”
He nodded.
“She’s been hurt in the past, hasn’t she?”
“Yeah, but she won’t say much about it. She just shuts down anytime I approach the subject. It’s like trying to storm Fort Knox.”
“I see. And knowing you, I assume you’re tactful as all get-out.”
“Yeah, like a bull in a china shop. What should I do, sis?”
“Be patient. That’s all you can do.” She stroked Tommy’s downy hair as his eyes slid closed. “Do you remember when Caden and I were trying to get pregnant with Jackson?”
“How can I forget? It tore him up, going through that. And you...” His voice trailed off. He didn’t have to recount the details of failed attempts and three unexplained miscarriages. She knew.
“Four years of waiting and praying, of tears and disappointments. I didn’t think it would ever happen. Then, bang! Jackson came, then Seth and Tommy. And now, reflecting back on the grand scheme of things, the memory of the months and months of waiting doesn’t seem all that awful.”
“I get it, sis.”
He paused to hear Rena’s sweet voice drift down as she sang the chorus of I’ll Love You Forever to sleepy boys cuddled together with her in their homemade tent on the playroom floor upstairs. She was obviously relishing the feel of their warm little bodies nestled against her as she soothed them into a peaceful slumber. He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment.
“She’s the one, isn’t she?” Jeanne asked softly.
“Yeah.” He smiled wistfully and drew Tommy closer. In that single moment, he knew Rena was the one God meant him to share his life with. Maybe this was what Kyle had felt, when he fell in love with Kelsie. And Caden, with Jeanne. “Yeah, she is.”
“Be careful, Cody.” Jeanne squeezed his knee. “Patience then. Patience.”
“You’re right, but it’s so hard. When I’m with her I just feel…so alive.” Cody pressed a kiss to Tommy’s smooth, warm cheek and stood carefully. “I’ll go put this little guy to bed for you. He’s out like a light. Maybe he’ll sleep through the night.”
“Maybe.” Jeanne smiled slightly. “I hope so.”
He met Rena coming down the stairs and her sleepy eyes and mussed hair stoked a desire to take her in his arms and kiss the breath from her.
Instead, he cuddled Tommy closer and whispered, “How’re the boys?”
“Out cold, just like this precious one.” Rena stroked Tommy’s feather-soft cheek and sighed. “He’s so beautiful, Cody.”
He gazed at her long, delicate fingers as they brushed across Tommy’s skin and knew the pleasure of their gentle touch. His voice caught and he tried not to inhale the scent of her. How he longed to kiss her. He cleared his throat and averted his gaze. “Jeanne’s down in the kitchen. I’m sure she’d like some company.”
****
Rena found Jeanne on the back porch, stretched out on an Adirondack chair.
“I really should be cleaning the kitchen,” Jeanne murmured over the night air. “But the mess will still be there in the morning, and I don’t get to do this often enough anymore.”
“I’ll bet.” Rena slid into the chair beside her. “Cody’s rocking Tommy. I heard the chair squeaking as I came through the kitchen.”
“Hmm...that squeak used to drive Caden crazy, but he knew it soothed the boys when they were babies, so he never fixed it.” Jeanne sighed. “It’s a gorgeous night, so cool and clear. I’d forgotten how beautiful the starlit sky could be.”
Rena hesitated and gripped the arm of the chair. “Telling you I’m sorry about what happened to Caden seems so...inadequate. But I am so sorry, Jeanne.”
Jeanne reached for her hand, squeezed it in that conspiratorial, female way. “My boys adore you, especially Seth. I’m really glad you came tonight.”
“I’m embarrassed to admit I nearly backed out. I’m thankful I didn’t. It’s been...” she longed to say perfect, but refrained on account of Caden. Nothing could be completely perfect when someone you loved was gone. “Does Cody have any other brothers or sisters?”
“No. Caden was it. They were so close, like Velcro.” She held up two fingers, twining them for emphasis. “I’m not really sure who losing Caden has been harder on. I don’t guess it really matters.”
“Cody’s been so kind to me. I feel like I belong here...with all of you.”
Jeanne’s eyes glimmered in the darkness. “Is that what you want from Cody— just kindness? Nothing more?”
“Yes. No!” She flopped back in the chair. “Oh, I don’t know.”
“Oh, Rena, nothing in this life comes without doubt...without hurt.” Jeanne sighed again. “Caden and I...we lost three babies before Jackson finally came along. After the first loss, I didn’t think I could go on. By the third, I was heartbroken. The doctors couldn’t figure out what was going wrong. Every time we thought it was going to be OK...but it just wasn’t. I felt like such a failure.”
“But you didn’t—you couldn’t—it wasn’t your fault.” Rena stumbled over the words.
“My heart knew that, but my head, well, it was doing its best to convince me otherwise. It told me lies...maybe if I had rested instead of going for that long walk...if I hadn’t lifted the full bag of groceries...If I’d eaten more vegetables instead of a handful of cookies. By the third miscarriage I’d decided I simply wasn’t worthy of having a child, raising him, for whatever reason. I figured the losses were just God’s way of letting me know.”
“Oh, Jeanne, you couldn’t possibly feel that way. You’re a fantastic mom. You’re so great with the boys.”
“So? You’re good with them, too. And Cody told me all the amazing things you do with the kids at the rec center and the library.”
“I do enjoy my time with those kids. But they aren’t my children. I don’t have the ultimate responsibility for them.” The one time she’d had that, she’d failed miserably. Jeanne wouldn’t be so gracious if she knew.
“It doesn’t matter.” Jeanne shook her head. “You know, Rena, God fills our lives with all kinds of experiences, some good and some...not so good. And some, to be honest, are just downright heartbreaking and way beyond our
understanding. But how we use those experiences is completely up to us. No one else on earth can make that decision for us, no matter how much they may want to.”
“I never thought of it that way. I never thought...”
“I still remember as if it were just yesterday how this older woman from my church came up to me one Sunday after the third miscarriage and told me that everything would be OK if I just placed it all into God’s hands. Boy, by that time, the only conversations I had with God were the ones where I shook my fist at Him and cried. I wanted to rip a piece of that woman’s heart out and stomp it on the floor. What did she know about loss when she had a wonderful grown daughter who’d given her a lapful of beautiful grandbabies? Well, I didn’t learn until months later that her daughter was adopted, and she’d been through an experience similar to mine.”
“Oh, Jeanne…”
“She taught me something that day, though I wasn’t ready to hear it. Caden and I were about to give up on trying to have kids. And I get cold chills whenever I think of what my life would be like without my boys.” She shook her head and closed her eyes for a moment. “I can’t even imagine it.”
“I-I just don’t want to hurt Cody. I don’t want to hurt him.” But she didn’t want to lose him, either.
Jeanne grasped both her hands and squeezed tight. “Then place your fears in God’s hands, Rena. It’s the only way. Trust me, I know.”
Light the Fire
17
The weather could not have been more perfect for the Shelter the Homeless ribbon-cutting ceremony. Blue skies accentuated by wisps of cirrus clouds embraced the small crowd that had gathered near the front of the house. A bright green length of ribbon stretched across the entrance while a husband and wife with two pretty red-headed daughters waited to see the inside of their new home.
Rena strode down the driveway toward the group, and was surprised to find her parents standing together—holding hands, no less—beneath the cherry blossom tree she and Cody had planted just the night before, their personal gift to the family. Cody stood beside her parents, grinning.