Valeria tried to tell herself this had nothing to do with the doctors, but the fear wouldn't go away. When she felt something large and hot begin to enter her, she was certain she'd been right to be fearful.
"Relax," Luke said softly. "You've got to make room for me."
Valeria didn't think she could. His fingers hadn't prepared her for the size of him. But Luke entered her slowly, withdrawing and penetrating a little more deeply each time, allowing her muscles to relax, her fears to calm. Then a sudden, swift entry and sharp pain startled her.
"That's it," Luke said. "From now on it's nothing but pure pleasure."
Valeria couldn't understand how he could fill her so full, but as the waves began to wash over her again, all memory of the pain receded, leaving her incapable of thinking of anything except what Luke was doing to her at that very moment. He seemed to be trying to do everything at once. He was kissing her lips, eyelids, neck, every part of her that was within his reach.
The heat in her belly continued to spread through her body until it engulfed all of her in agonizingly sweet torture. She dug her nails into Luke as moans of ecstasy poured from her. She moved her body in rhythm with his, trying to drive him faster, deeper, harder, anything to bring an end to the exquisite agony.
But not until his breath became labored, started to come in uneven gasps, did he respond to her urging. Then he took over, driving them both into a headlong rush toward some approaching precipice. As she neared the edge, could see the abyss beneath her feet, Luke's body stiffened and shuddered.
Then they plunged into the abyss together.
But the fall was nothing to fear. It was surrender. It was union.
It was bliss.
Chapter Twenty-three
"There's nothing I want at the ranch," Valeria said. "It's pointless to go there."
They had left the desert and entered a forest of ponderosa pine, pinon, and oak. The sheer towers of the Mogollon Rim seemed to rise up out of the desert to block the lower third of the sky. Soft white clouds decorated a sky so clear and baby blue she could see eagles floating on updrafts a mile away.
"You can't decide what to do until you see Rudolf," Luke said.
Except for this same argument, the last week had been unbelievably wonderful for Luke. Having broken his word to himself, he had made love to Valeria every night and every morning. They'd even made love once during the heat of the day in a cottonwood thicket along the sluggish Verde River. She was as eager to learn as he was to share everything he knew.
There would have been a second argument if Luke hadn't refused to take part. Valeria insisted she loved him
and that she was going to marry him. After saying once that marriage between them was impossible, Luke had refused to discuss the subject. That, however, hadn't stopped Valeria from trying to change his mind. Neither his efforts to tell her more about living in America, his description of the ever-changing landscape, nor his description of what life on the ranch would be could divert her from the subject.
"I don't know why you're so stubborn," she said. "You know I don't want to marry Rudolf."
"That's not the reason I'm taking you to the ranch."
"I know, it's your reputation. Is that all you ever think about?"
He hadn't thought about his reputation nearly as much as he thought about Valeria. That was only a small part of the reason he couldn't marry her. What kind of life could he offer her? Hell, she was a princess. He was a gunfighter, a killer. He had no home, no friends.
"The land above the Rim is beautiful country, some of the best in the Territory," Luke said. "It would be perfect for raising horses. You could settle down, send for the rest of your horses, and grow rich."
"I don't want money. I want a husband and a family."
"You wouldn't have to stay at the ranch all the time. You could go to Phoenix, Santa Fe, San Francisco, New-"
"I don't want to do that."
"There are hundreds of fine young men from good families who'd make you a perfect husband. They could give you the kind of life you deserve."
"I thought you told me women in America could marry for love?"
"I did."
"I love you, so I choose you."
"I'm not going to get married, Valeria. Not to you or anybody else."
"Why not?"
It did no good to ignore her questions. She just kept asking until she wore him down. "I'm not the kind of man any woman should have for a husband."
"Don't you think I ought to be allowed to make that decision?"
"This kind of decision requires that two people agree. When they don't, the marriage won't work." "But-"
"Let's not talk about it anymore. It's time you decided what you're going to do once you reach the ranch."
"I don't have to do anything. Zeke will have already told Rudolf I don't want to marry him."
"I doubt he'll believe it until he hears the words from you."
"Well, I'll tell him; then he'll leave." "Where will he go?"
"I don't know."
"Does he have any money?"
"I don't know."
"Then I don't expect he'll leave without a fight." "Why?"
"Because he loses a home and the chance to regain his throne. I imagine he'll do his very best to convince you to change your mind."
"I won't."
"He'll try to force you."
"He can't."
"If he kills me, there won't be anyone to stop him," Luke pointed out. "If you fight him, he'll have no reason to keep you alive."
"But you said a woman could have her own money in America.'
"The ranch is yours. I don't know what will happen to the money in Belgravia."
"I don't want that money. I'll give it to Rudolf. Then he won't have to marry me."
"Will your uncle let him have it, or will he try to keep it by killing you?"
"Are you trying to scare me?"
"No."
"Well, you are."
"I'm just trying to show you what you're up against. You've got to have a plan."
"I do. I want to marry you. My uncle and Rudolf can fight over the money. I don't want it."
Valeria had mastered one aspect of becoming an American woman very quickly. She had taken to being stubborn like a duck to water. The woman had a onetrack mind and obviously didn't intend to change it just because her idea wouldn't work.
"You've got to have a plan in case something happens to me."
"What could happen to you?"
"I could fall off this trail." They were following a game trail barely wide enough to to keep their legs from rubbing against the rocks. He doubted anyone at Rudolf's ranch knew of the trail. He was certain they'd never believe he could get a princess to go more than a hundred feet on it before turning around. But Valeria was too busy arguing to be frightened by the precipitous drop. "Rudolf could have me killed. I could die of pneumonia," he said.
"You're indestructible," Valeria said.
She didn't know a bullet in the back had brought many a gunslinger's career to an end.
"You still need a plan. What would you do without me?"
That kept her quiet long enough for Luke to try to answer the same question for himself.
Try as he might, he couldn't envision a future without Valeria. She had become an inseparable part of his life. It didn't matter where he went, how many miles separated them, she would still be with him, in his heart, his thoughts, his dreams. She was everything he wanted in a woman. She was perfection.
It was precisely because of her perfection that he couldn't allow himself to have her.
It wasn't just that he had no life to offer, no career that allowed for a wife. He wasn't the man she thought he was. He wasn't a man at all. He had been nothing more than a reputation. Now he didn't even have that.
He had no finer aspects of character, no deeply held convictions. He was for sale. He was no better than a woman who sold her body to any man with the price. He had always hoped there w
as something of value to him. He'd left Jake and Isabelle, hoping to find it. But the last sixteen years had only confirmed what he'd suspected from the start. His parents had been right.
He wasn't evil. He was simply empty. Hollow. A shell guarding nothing, shielding nothing, preserving nothing. Valeria deserved a chance to enjoy all that life in America could offer a beautiful and wealthy young woman. She deserved a husband who could expand her horizons, not bring them crashing down around her.
"I'd go to New York," Valeria announced.
Luke had nearly forgotten he'd asked her a question. "Why New York?"
"I have a friend there. Her husband's family immigrated to New York after the Prussians overran his country-"
"Are you sure they'd want you? I mean, not everybody welcomes visitors from home. It's dangerous sometimes."
"Not Lillie. She tried to get me to come to New York when Uncle Matthais lost his throne. She even tried to get me to escape from Hans and Otto."
Luke wanted to be cynical, to say he'd have been spared a lot of trouble if she'd followed Lillie's advice, but all he could feel was cold fear at what could have happened without someone to look after her. Lillie and her husband would never have guessed her uncle was trying to kill her.
"Where do they live?"
"Lillie said they have a house near a place called Central Park. Do you know where that is?"
"Yes." Only the wealthiest could afford to live there. "What does her husband do?"
"I don't know, but she says he makes a lot of money doing it."
That was exactly the kind of connection she needed, a wealthy, titled ex-nobleman who could introduce her into the highest levels of society. With her friends to watch out for her, she wouldn't be in danger of being cheated out of her money or marrying a fortune hunter. With her wealth and beauty, she'd be an instant success.
"I always wanted to visit New York," she said. "Will you take me there someday?"
"Yes." A lot sooner than she expected.
Unless she decided to marry Rudolf after all.
He couldn't get that possibility out of his mind. Once she finally understood he didn't intend to marry herand he would convince her if it took every minute until they reached the ranch-she would feel lost. It would be only natural for her to turn to someone of her own background, culture, and language, someone she'd have been content to marry only a few weeks earlier. She'd have a
home, a husband who probably wouldn't mistreat her as long as she didn't object to what he did with her money. She'd be safe from her uncle's plans to kill her.
He couldn't offer her as much.
"I think New York is a good idea," Luke said. "But right now I'd like you to concentrate on Rudolf. We've reached the top of the Rim. We will be at the ranch in about an hour."
They stopped for a moment to allow their horses a breather. Luke expected Valeria to be excited by the thick pine forest that covered the Rim. She ought to feel she was back in Belgravia. Instead, she turned to look at the panoramic view of the land they'd left more than two thousand feet below. Forests of oak, fir, and pine stretched across hills swallowed in a blue haze until they merged with the sparsely covered ridges of the distant Mazatzal Mountains.
"It's magnificent," Valeria said. "When I got off the train in Bonner, I thought everything was desert."
"You can find almost anything you want in Arizona," Luke said.
"Including happiness?"
He was afraid his own hopelessness showed before he could wipe all expression from his face. "You can find happiness anywhere, even in the desert."
"Have you ever found happiness?"
"Not everybody wants happiness."
"Why not?"
"Happiness isn't trustworthy. It can disappear in a moment or die a slow, painful death over years."
"But isn't the chance of happiness worth the risks?" "Only when the chance exists."
"Does it exist for you?"
"No."
"Are you sure you can't change that?"
"Yes."
"Have you tried?"
No. He'd lived too long without love. Now, even if Valeria could love him, it was too late. Whatever value he'd brought away from Jake and Isabelle's ranch had been used up long ago. "I never had a reason to try. Now it's too late."
"Why?"
"Valeria, we've been over this time and time again. Talking about it isn't going to change anything. I'm not the right man for you."
"But I love you." "That's not enough." "Then what is?"
How could he explain to her what she wouldn't believe until bitter experience brought home the truth of his words?
"I've told you I have nothing to offer you, that I can only-"
"You haven't given me any reasons."
"Yes, I have. You just won't listen to them."
He turned and started into the pine forest. After being in the open with the sun blazing down on their heads, the contrast was dramatic. The temperature, twenty degrees cooler up here than in the Verde Valley below, dropped ten more degrees. After the desert heat, he wondered if Valeria might feel chilled.
"Okay, I'm listening," Valeria said, apparently impervious to the towering ponderosa pines that surrounded them.
Maybe it would be better to tell her. His own resolve had been slipping. Every time he looked at Valeria, made love to her, thought of leaving her, he felt himself reaching for excuses to believe a future as her husband might be possible. Maybe if he heard the reasons all over again, he would stop trying to convince himself he could be mistaken.
"You come from a hundred generations of royalty. I come from two parents who were barely better than vicious animals. They had no morals, no standards, no limits. There was nothing they wouldn't do for money, a drink, momentary gratification. I don't know if my brother and I even had the same father, though my mother swears we did. But she would swear to anything. She did nearly a hundred times a day. She died of pneumonia because she was too drunk to come in out of the rain, and the man she was with didn't care whether she lived or died.
"My father cheated at cards. He was fast with a card and fast with a gun. One day he cheated a man who wasn't as fast with cards or a gun, so he shot my father in the back. That's my heritage, Valeria. Is that the kind of man you want for your husband, for the father of your children?"
"You're not your parents. You're-
"I'm a gunfighter!" Luke exploded. "I kill people for a living. Do you understand that?"
"I'm sure you haven't-"
"You don't know the people I've run off, shot, or killed. You haven't seen the faces of their families. I have, and I kept right on doing it. Do you know why? Because I'm just like my parents! There's nothing inside me to save, so get that missionary look off your face. I wish there were. I'd hoped there would be, but there isn't. I won't marry you, Valeria, not now, not ever."
He didn't know when their horses had stopped, but they sat their motionless mounts, staring at each other in silence. He'd expected her to argue, but she didn't say a word. Twice he saw her lips part to form words, but she changed her mind both times.
So he waited, wondering what she was thinking. He'd hoped she would argue with him. As long as she still wanted to marry him, he could tease himself with the possibility that he might figure out how to make it work. If she decided she didn't want to marry him, or that he wouldn't marry her no matter what she said, the door would close. He knew it was best, but he didn't want to lose that last glimmer of hope.
"If I ask you one question, will you answer it truthfully?"
His stomach did a flip, warning of danger, but he had to answer. He owed her that much.
"Yes." He held his breath.
"Do you love me?"
It was worse than he'd expected. He hadn't asked himself that question. There were some things too painful to know. Yet he'd known the answer for some time. He'd been telling himself it didn't matter what he felt, that he wasn't going to marry Valeria, so there was no point in thinking about
it, but he'd promised Valeria an answer.
"Yes. But-"
"That's all I wanted to know," she said, cutting him off. She spurred her horse forward. "We'd better get started for the ranch. It's chilly under these trees."
She had surprised him again. He didn't think for a minute that was the end of it. Valeria was a very stubborn woman with a powerful liking for getting her own way. She had something up her sleeve.
But suppose she agreed with him!
Suppose she'd finally given up, accepted his conviction that he wouldn't make a good husband. Luke could stand knowing Valeria could never be his own-at least he thought he could-but he couldn't stand knowing she thought as badly of him as he did of himself.
Valeria was so angry it took her nearly half an hour before she could formulate a rational thought. It did no good to lose her temper. She wasn't a royal princess who could send Luke to the guillotine, but she would have exchanged her best emerald necklace for a rack and some thumb screws.
He was not a stupid man, but to go around saying he was unworthy of marriage because he had rotten parents was stupid. She didn't believe for one minute he'd killed innocent people just for money. He might have strayed close to the line-he might even have leaned rather far over it on occasions-but she was certain he'd never crossed it. She'd seen too many instances of the good in him. He'd truly grieved over Hans's death. He'd agreed to help Neely and Albie. Despite trying to appear indifferent, he had strong feelings for his adopted brothers. There was good in Luke Attmore, and she didn't understand why he couldn't see it.
Maybe his parents had convinced him he was rotten. Maybe something else had happened. It didn't really matter. He'd tell her someday, but right now she needed to figure out a way to convince him to marry her. If he thought she was going to be miserable for the rest of her life just because he'd gotten on a misguided high horse, he could think again. She wasn't the scion of a house of successful generals for nothing. When someone in her family wanted something, he or she got it.
And she meant to have Luke Attmore.
But it wouldn't do any good to keep badgering him. He'd dug in his heels. She had to think of a way to get them undug. In the meantime, she would deal with Rudolf and decide what to do about her ranch. She really liked the idea of using the ranch to breed her horses. Nearly everything in her life had been controlled by men. This was one of the few things she'd been allowed to do on her own. She was studying the terrain for good grazing when they came upon a small meadow.
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