by Avery Ford
“The tremors stopped?”
“They didn’t stop—I don’t know if they ever will, to be honest—but they didn’t matter anymore. And I don’t think my hands were shaking at all when it happened. It was so much to take in all at once that there was no room for it. My body was too focused on other tasks.”
“How has it been in general?” Dr. Shimota asked. “You’ve reported that the trembling happens randomly, sometimes unprovoked.”
“It’s decreased in frequency over the last week,” Austin said. He didn’t think that it was all psychological—nerve damage was physical, after all—but he also understood that there was a mental component that worsened the symptoms of his nerve damage in times of stress. Now that Hale was coming to visit at night, building his confidence every time they met, Austin had noticed a change in himself. He believed he’d continue to improve the longer Hale stayed in his life.
“Well, that’s astounding! Congratulations!” Dr. Shimota’s smile grew. “If you keep following up with your physical therapy, I have hopes that you’ll see this mostly conquered. Don’t let yourself be discouraged by setbacks. You’re a capable young man, and you’ve got the world ahead of you. A little setback isn’t a reflection on you—it’s a reminder of what you have to keep fighting for.”
“That’s… a good way to look at it.” Austin smiled. He’d been doing so much more of it lately that his cheeks had started to hurt. “Why is it that it takes a kick in the pants to get something through your head?”
Dr. Shimota laughed. “Well, I’m not sure that it always takes a kick in the pants to set yourself straight, but often, a traumatic or otherwise trying event puts the rest of our lives into perspective. It’s easy to forget that there’s life outside of our own small microcosm of existence. Sometimes it’s nice to have the reminder—but not when it comes with such potentially disastrous results.”
“Right.” That seemed reasonable. Austin couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. He’d been through hell, but it felt like he’d found purpose again. In Hale, he’d been given another shot at life.
“I’m proud of your progress so far, Austin. You’ve made great advancements toward a healthier you. Do you know how wonderful that is? How few people manage to succeed in doing that?”
“Probably not too many, if you’re saying that.” Austin looked Dr. Shimota over. He was glad that he’d opted for the extra appointment this week, but in the future, he had a feeling he wouldn’t need them. Regular check-ins would be okay to hold him over. The cloud of gloom wasn’t hanging over his head anymore. Not even his meds were giving him problems.
“Not too many indeed.” She chuckled. “Where would you like the conversation to go today? Is there something else that’s bothering you, or that you’re having issues getting over? If you’re not sure, we can work with some prompts, but I thought I’d open the floor to you today.”
“Well…” Austin paused. “I don’t know. I guess… I guess for the first time in a long time, I feel whole. I feel like I’m not useless or a waste of space, and it feels so damned good. Is it okay to talk about good things? I know that you’re here to listen and try to help me with my problems, but…”
“No, that sounds perfect.” Dr. Shimota sat a little straighter in her chair, her expression like sunshine. “I’d be glad to talk about them with you. Any experience is welcome. Let’s discuss what went right.”
That was easy—the answer was Hale. No matter what Dr. Shimota thought about him, and no matter if she broke confidentiality and let loose word of his relationship, Austin didn’t care. He was more sure of himself now than he’d ever been before, and he wouldn’t let the opinions of others or the limitations of his own body bring him down.
He was enough for himself, and that was all that mattered.
Dr. Shimota had been shocked, but pleased after learning about his new relationship, and they’d spent the rest of the discussion talking about how to make sure he stayed true to himself even while sharing his life with another person. Austin returned home to his apartment refreshed and rejuvenated, almost vibrating with energy. He was in the middle of rooting through the fridge, looking for ingredients for a dinner he and Hale might share together, when there was a knock at the door. Austin glanced at the time on the stove. It was early for Hale to show up, but he wasn’t complaining. A few extra hours with the one who made his heart pound was an unexpected delight.
Austin opened the door, already smiling, but his expression faltered when he discovered it wasn’t Hale at the door. Michael stood there instead. He had his hands shoved in his pockets. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Austin said uneasily. “What’s up?”
“Well… I figured it was about time I made my way over here,” Michael admitted. “I wanted to take more than a few seconds to apologize to you for being a shithead. You deserve a better apology than that.”
Austin didn’t know what to say. He stepped away from the door. “Come in. You want to sit?”
“Sure.”
“I’ll get us a drink or something. You okay with something non-alcoholic?”
“Something fizzy would be great.”
“You got it.” Austin took the trip to the kitchen to clear his head and refocus his energy. He hadn’t been expecting Michael, but that didn’t mean that Michael’s visit was bad. They’d been best friends their senior year of high school until Michael had gone off the deep end—maybe it was time to give him another chance. If he was working to break his gambling addiction, there was a chance that he needed a friend… and god knew that Austin needed one, too.
He returned to the living room with two glasses of cola. He passed one to Michael, who had taken a seat on the couch, then sat beside him. Michael held the glass in the space between his knees as he gazed down into the dark liquid. “I really fucked things up, and I want to tell you how sorry I am. It’s… well, it’s a lot to forgive me for, I know. Not only did I steal your headphones, but I almost got you killed. I put both you and Hale in danger. I’m sorry.”
“I guess I’m sorry, too.” Austin hesitated before continuing. “If I’d tried to be more understanding, I might have seen there was something going on in your life that you needed help with. Instead, I wrote you off and held a grudge. That’s on me.”
“I want to try to make things right between us. What can I do to make you feel like I’m making an effort?”
Austin laughed. “I mean, coming to my door to apologize and admitting that you were a dickhead is kind of what I wanted all along. Thank you for owning up to it. Apart from that, I don’t know. I guess it’s one of those things we need to take one day at a time, right? If you’re looking to fix things with Hale, too, maybe we could all go out together sometime. I know that Hale misses you. He was so goddamn stubborn about making sure you were safe after you’d gone missing. He’s got a lot of love in his heart.”
“And he’s got a lot of hurt, too,” Michael said a little more pointedly than before. It seemed like the conversation was shifting gears. Austin looked in Michael’s direction to find that Michael was staring him down. “When he was little, before Mary Chilt took him under her wing and made him popular, he went through a lot of bullying. There was a backlash in town, and a lot of the kids here weren’t allowed to be associated with him just because he came out as gay. I won’t claim to know what you two are to each other, but if you’re planning on going public with him, you’ve got to know that the community could turn up its nose again. If that happens, you have to be strong enough to stand up for him and for yourself. You have to make sure that you can comfort him and keep him safe. He’s been through enough shit already without going through more of it when you decide you aren’t man enough to take how nasty people can be.”
Michael was as no-nonsense and abrasive as always, but Austin didn’t expect anything less. He nodded. “I’m ready. I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks anymore. Hale makes me happy, and I’m not going to let someone else ruin that because they can’t underst
and that love is love.”
“Then you’re going to want to know something else.” Michael’s face grew more serious than it had been before.
“Okay…” Austin wasn’t sure what was going to happen. Did Hale have some dark secret he was hiding? Did Michael know something about him that was incriminating? “I’m ready.”
“His favorite flowers are roses, because he’s a hopeless romantic, and his birthday is July 19th. He likes yellow cake with chocolate icing, or, if you want to get fancy, Black Forest cake. If you want to buy him clothing, don’t. Take him to buy it with you, or give him gift cards. He’s particular about fit ever since Mary got her claws in him. He’s allergic to bell peppers, but will eat almost anything else. Apart from that, I think you’re good.”
“Is that your version of a parental blessing?” Austin asked with a wry grin.
Michael shrugged. “Hale’s dad passed away a few years back, so… I guess so. Just know that if you break his heart, I’m going to break your face. It doesn’t matter how well we patch up our relationship—I’m on his side first and foremost, got it?”
“Got it.” Austin had no intention of breaking Hale’s heart. He wasn’t the type of man who strayed. Eleanor had been the one who’d left him, and he’d been torn up about it since. He wasn’t someone who gave up on people easily—at least, other people. He realized now that he gave up on himself far too quickly, and with Dr. Shimota’s help, it was an aspect of himself he was trying to fix.
“I should probably get going,” Michael said. “I still haven’t done groceries yet because life’s been so crazy, and I have no food in the house at all.”
“I’ll bring you over some casserole next time I make one.” Austin smiled. “It’ll be nice to have some people to share with. I always end up making too much.”
“Sure. Sounds great.” Michael smiled back.
It was a small step forward, but it was the most progress they’d made toward a better friendship in years. The past, Austin was starting to learn, only figured as much into his life as he let it. He was learning to leave his old baggage behind. Eleanor, the crash, even the shit with Michael… what he cared for now was the future, and with Hale there to remind him of what he had to look forward to, it wasn’t hard to keep his eyes on the road and forget about the sorrows of his past.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Hale
It was mid Monday morning, which meant that Grind was largely empty. Hale sat at one of the tables, swirling a stir stick lazily through his coffee, while Michael was at the counter trying to sweet-talk Doris into bringing out the good honey. Their conversation was lost to Hale, but he was pretty sure he saw some tip money enter the tip jar, and suddenly the honey appeared. Michael had switched to tea recently, and allegedly, tea without honey was unpalatable. Hale wouldn’t know. Tea wasn’t really his thing.
“Got it,” Michael said when he returned with his mug.
“How much did it cost you?” Hale asked with a smirk.
“The details are unimportant. What’s important is that it’s done, and I can finally drink something without it tasting like a dirty pile of leaves on a hot fall day.”
“Why drink something if you don’t like it?” Hale asked. “At least coffee tastes good.”
“No it doesn’t. You sweeten the shit out of yours. And adding cream?”
Hale snorted. “Okay. Fine. I get your point. But I’m still not sure I understand.”
“It’s supposed to be better for me. I’ve been talking with my addiction therapist and she’s recommended that I try to make other small changes in my life so that I don’t fall back into habits. I’m trying my best to make sure that I’m forming new associations and avoiding troubled places. It’s hard to do that living in a town as small as Hidden Creek. There’s only so many places you can go, you know? Trying to dodge them all is almost impossible. I’ve been thinking about moving.”
“Moving?” Hale blinked. “Really?”
“It’s been on my mind. I haven’t made a decision one way or the other. I keep thinking about signing up for another tour with the Navy, but I’m not sure if that would be good for me or not. I used to do a lot of gambling there, and… well, I guess I’m afraid of falling back into old habits again. That’s not something I want to do.”
“I’m not going to pretend I know the first thing about how easy it is to get involved in something like that, but… you do what’s best for you. If that means finding a job somewhere else and relocating, I’m sure all of us would understand. We all only want what’s best for you.”
“And I want what’s best for me, too—and what’s best for you guys. I know that it hasn’t been easy dealing with me since it really got black. My therapist has been helping me see just how much my behavior changed, and how I was hurting the ones I loved without realizing it. It’s… pretty sickening.” Michael sighed. “I don’t think I can ever say sorry enough for all the shit I put you through. I’m so grateful that you’re still here waiting for me, even after I made it clear that my priorities lay elsewhere. I won’t be making the same mistake again. Family comes first.”
“I believe in you,” Hale said. He sipped at his coffee, then set it down again. “I’m… well, I guess I’ve been a little distant, too.”
“No, you haven’t. What do you mean?”
“Over the last few weeks, with the Austin stuff…” Hale looked over Michael’s shoulder, focusing on an arbitrary point on the wall. “I’m really starting to fall for him, but it’s… I mean, it’s what I’ve wanted since high school, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that he’s going to wake up one day and remember that he likes women more than he likes me. I’m worried that some tense moment when we’re out together in public will trigger him, and he’ll decide I’m not worth the emotional pitfalls. And I guess, when it comes down to it, that I’m afraid that things will unravel, and my teenage dream will come to an end. I never want to wake up, but I’m having a hard time believing that there’s a silver lining at the end of all of this. I wish that I could have more confidence, but I’ve been told all my life that I’m sinful and an abomination and that I deserve to be alone if I don’t want to walk the ‘right’ path that I guess I’m afraid I will be alone.”
“That’s stupid.”
“But it’s what I feel.” Hale pushed his coffee away and slumped down on the table, defeated. Most of the time, he was able to hold his head high and shrug off the bigoted comments that came his way, but this was his first time in an actual relationship, and it was with someone he cared about deeply. “I don’t know how to get over it.”
“Have you talked to Austin about it?”
“I don’t want him to know that I think he’s going to leave me,” Hale said softly. He glanced up at Michael from where he was slumped. “That’s kind of a shitty thing to say to someone. ‘So, I’ve been having these feelings like you’re going to leave me. How about you tell me how pretty I am, and how much you want to bone me, and how you’ll never reach your breaking point and abandon me?’ That’s so shallow and gross. I don’t want to put any pressure on Austin at all, and I don’t want him to think I don’t have confidence in him—I do, but these thoughts are invasive and I don’t know what to do about them.”
“No lying on the tables!” Doris squawked from behind the counter.
Hale jumped up and shook his head. “Sorry.”
She went back to doing whatever she was doing, leaving Hale upright. He looked over Michael’s face, trying to figure out what was going on inside his head, but he found himself clueless. There was too much to process, and he couldn’t begin to guess where Michael was starting from.
“Well,” Michael said after a long pause. “I can see your reasoning behind that. It’s a valid concern. But in any relationship, you have to be honest not only with yourself, but with the other person. I think that Austin would be glad to hear your concerns and talk them over with you. What you’re saying isn’t exactly accusatory… why don’t you let him put
your fears to rest?”
Hale knew that it was the right thing to do. He nodded, but courage to follow it through was harder to come by.
“Austin has been working hard on making sure that he’s healthy for you. I think that it’s important that you work on making sure your relationship with him is healthy in exchange,” Michael said. “You know that it still weirds me out a little that you two are together, but I can see how happy you are with him, Hale. And I can see how happy he is with you, too. You have no idea how much of a different man he is since he’s met you compared to the one I knew when we were in the Navy together. I’d have to be blind not to see it. The change in his attitude is so drastic—for the better, of course—that if he cut his hair and changed his name, I never would have figured out that he was the same guy.”
“You really think he’s that happy?” Hale blushed. He looked down into his coffee shyly. “I… I thought I noticed that he was laughing and smiling a lot more than when I first met him, but we’ve only been together a really short time, so I wasn’t sure if it was true, or if I was just imagining things.”
“You’re not imagining anything. It’s true.”
It was a small comfort, but Hale took it. His smile grew. “I… I’ve never had a relationship before. You were away for a while, and we were out of touch, but it’s… I’ve been with a few guys in a non-serious way, but this… this feels a lot more like commitment, and I don’t want to mess it up. I don’t want it to be fake. I feel like I’ve got my heart invested in this, and I’ve wanted Austin for such a long time that I… if he left, I don’t know what I’d do.”
“You’re going to be fine, twerp.” Michael chuckled. “I get the feeling that Austin isn’t looking to give up on you. Has he told you about what he went through in his last relationship?”