by Andrea Wolfe
I nod. "It survived somehow."
"Crazy. I never expected this bulky, overpriced case to work."
I smile at him. "You got lucky. So how long are you in town?"
"We're supposed to stay until the weekend. We rented a place on the other side of town." He sets down his phone and drinks more coffee. "I kind of wish I could leave sooner though. I feel like shit after last night. I really miss Ava and Jenny. I'm not so young anymore." His eyes drift off into empty space and I allow the very human moment to remain uninterrupted. "When are you guys leaving?"
"Today. Shortly. Ally flies back to Boston tomorrow."
There's a long pause. Jeff appears to have something on the tip of his tongue, but it's not coming out. He fiddles nervously with his phone. "Do you think I could, uh..."
I cut him off. "Do you want a ride back?"
Jeff smiles sheepishly. "Yeah. If it's not a problem. My car is in Red Lake. I'm not really having a good time here. Those guys are too crazy for me. I can't keep up with them anymore. They're probably already drunk and high again."
"It's no problem at all. I'd be happy to give you a ride."
He smiles, that familiar smile I saw a million times growing up. That smile that came along on so many adventures, so many wonderful experiences. I was certain I'd never see it outside of a photo ever again. "I owe you big time," he says. "For everything. I don't deserve this."
"It's nothing, seriously." I decide it's time to change the subject since this has gone surprisingly well. "How long have you been up here?" I ask him.
"I got to Red Lake late Sunday night. We came up here Monday morning."
"I'm surprised we didn't run into you sooner. We've been here since Sunday."
He looks around the room. "Staying at your parents' old place, huh? I'm so sorry about what happened. Such a tragedy."
"Thanks," I say. "And it's my place now," I declare proudly, hoping to deflect his mourning.
Jeff laughs. "Yeah, we just bought a house recently. Needed a lot of work, but it's great now."
As things continue to lighten up, we segue into a variety of other topics and start goofing around like we used to. I can't help but feel like no time has passed at all since we last hung out. It's so easy for Jeff to make me laugh, a fact I'm happy to remember.
I'm in tears as he retells tales from high school, tales in which mischief is the central theme. We're both laughing raucously when Ally finally comes downstairs in that cute blue dress of hers.
"What the hell is so funny down here?" She's feisty.
"Hey, Ally," Jeff says. "I'm sorry about last night. That was... not like me."
"I realize that, Jeff," she says. "It's fine. You were drunk. Do mom and dad know you're here?"
"I told them at the last minute," he says. "I left my car at their house. I'm riding back with you guys. Do they know you're up here?"
"No," she snaps, "because they were gone when we left. So basically, you skipped the reunion and then came up like a week later? Don't you think they're gonna be pissed?"
I sit back and enjoy the family drama. I know I've got no business getting involved in this.
"Jenny was gone for work and Ava was really sick. Coming home wasn't an option. They didn't care."
"Whatever," she says. "I actually had fun."
Jeff laughs. "I'm surprised. I know you don't like hanging out with rednecks."
"Well, I didn't say that. Anyway, I've been having more fun here than I ever thought possible. Maybe the country folk have got it all figured out."
"You never gave us any credit," I say chidingly. "We know how to have a good time."
Jeff laughs. This is all so unreal. It's been one hell of a week, that's for sure. I'm still shocked by everything that's transpired. Thankfully, I don't have a fight this week. I'm way behind on training and aching to get back into my routine.
Ally downs one cup of coffee with us, and then we all go out to breakfast—Jeff's treat. Ally, in an attempt to fulfill her "wild fantasy," ends up asking if she can get a pancake combo, which initially confuses the waiter. After he comes back from the kitchen and says it's okay, enabled by her bravery, we all end up ordering the same—one chocolate chip, one blueberry, and one banana pancake.
All delicious.
The whole breakfast feels surreal since I've never actually spent time with both siblings as adults. They really amuse me and their banter is quite funny. No matter what, they're always finding something about the other to niggle at.
Ally complains that Jeff chews too loudly and so then Jeff complains that she slides the fork against her teeth and the sound drives him crazy.
I remain silent and try not to laugh. This whole experience has taken my mind off Vince and the league and everything else that confuses me.
After we pack up at my place, I drive Jeff over to the other side of town to get his stuff. We stay in the truck.
"I'll be back in a couple of minutes," he says. He gently closes the door and jogs into the house.
"This is crazy." Ally says. "Seeing you two getting along after all of that. It's awesome."
"It's crazy to me to see you two not get along," I say jokingly.
"It's all in fun," she says defensively. "He's kind of a brat sometimes."
I wink at her. "Well, so are you."
She scoffs and crosses her arms over her chest abjectly. "Whatever, Jackson. Taking his side again already, I see. Some things never change."
We continue goofing around while we wait. I'm surprised Ally's in such a good mood given the fact that this is our last day together.
But maybe that's how things go—when I'm feeling down, she's goofy, and when she's feeling down, I'll be the one to even things out. I don't know. I feel a lot of different things right now.
Regret. Angst. Depression. Excitement. Thankfulness. Reunion.
It's like all of the loose ends in my life suddenly met in the center and were somehow joined back together in one hell of a knot. I'm miserable and glad all at once.
I talk to Ally about her flight. It's at eight in the morning and it's an almost a two hour drive to the airport from Red Lake. She needs to arrive an hour and a half early, so she's going to have to be on the road around four-thirty.
"That's so early," I remark.
"It was the only open flight after I changed from the previous one."
"Yeah. If you want eight hours of sleep, you're going to have to hit the hay at eight tonight," I say wryly.
"I'm definitely not going to get eight hours."
"So what are we doing when we get back into town?" I ask.
She fidgets uncomfortably. "I guess I'll pack and then we can meet up again after that. I'd like to eat dinner with my parents—well, and Jeff too. They'll probably be really excited about a family meal."
I feel a pang of sadness as I realize this breakfast might have been our last meal together. I'm getting sentimental, but that's all I've got. It's my own fault for getting carried away like this.
I could have guarded my feelings better. I should have.
The door suddenly swings back open and Jeff hops into the back with his suitcase. "Sorry," he says with some agitation. "They tried to convince me to stay, so I had to talk my way out of it."
"Do you think you'll ever come up here with them again?" Ally asks.
Jeff buckles his seatbelt before he speaks. I back out of the driveway and head out of town.
"You know, I really haven't seen those guys in a long time. Like, this used to be a regular thing, but we didn't go the last two years. When Travis contacted me, I thought it would just... be the same now. After all that's changed in my life, I'd meet up with them and everything would be like the old days. I'd feel like I used to before responsibility crept in." He falls silent and neither of us want to interrupt his deliberate pause. "I've got a good job now. I have a lot of responsibility. I settled down. I can't go on weeklong drinking binges with unemployed people my age that still live with their parents."
> It's this monologue that reminds me just how different the two of us are at this point in our lives—but it doesn't make me feel distant or alienated. I still see the same guy I used to, only he's in different circumstances now, just like me.
"Ava's pretty damn cute," Ally says warmly.
"Yeah. You don't even know. I'm always worrying about her. The only reason I was getting so drunk is because I was terrified that something would happen to them while I was gone. That I wouldn't be there to protect them. I couldn't push it out of my mind."
I realize how similar I felt when my parents died. I felt like I should have been able to protect them somehow. But it was random chance. Something that went tremendously wrong.
And had I been in the house that night, I would have died too.
I don't speak up though. I don't want to be a downer. Jeff is talking about his current life, the life he's still in control of.
"You okay, Jackson?" Ally asks.
"I'm fine," I say. "Just watching the beautiful hills rolling by."
"So you're quite the fighter now, Jackson, huh?" Jeff asks. "I've heard you might go pro."
I nod. "I might, I guess. I mean, I work hard and people want me to do more stuff. So maybe."
"You're really lucky he kept his cool last night, Jeff," Ally says proudly."I've seen what he's capable of."
Jeff laughs hard from the back seat. "I'm such an idiot. I can't pick a fight with you. I'm actually lucky I fell in the water." He groans. "That reminds me, I didn't take a shower yet."
We all groan and laugh together, like the cheesy ending of a sitcom. But for some reason, it's not cheesy.
I don't drive very fast on our way home. I want to savor the trip as much as I can, a trip in which old and new friends are all united. The conversation is lively and fluid, constantly moving from one subject to the next. Honestly, I couldn't ask for better company.
I hate the feeling as I turn onto their street. I despise the sight of their house as we approach it. And I'm infuriated when I put the truck into park and say goodbye to Jeff.
"I'm going to go in ahead of you and explain myself," he says to Ally. "Keep in touch, Jackson, okay? I owe you big time for this. I owe you big time for everything."
"We'll definitely be in touch," I say—and mean it. "And don't sweat it."
Jeff grins and closes the door, then disappears into the house. Ally and I sit there for a minute without saying anything. She yawns and stretches her legs. "I'm gonna pack up and hang out for a little bit. And then I'll stop by, okay?"
"Yeah," I say weakly. I'm at a point where I don't know if I should really let everything out to take advantage of what's left, or just suppress it all as a means of damage control.
I'm stuck in the middle. "That sounds fine. Just stop by whenever you can."
"Jackson?" she asks.
"What?"
"Thanks for being the bigger man. This only happened because of you. Jeff was a little shit that didn't deserve your forgiveness—but I'm glad you gave it to him anyway."
I smile as she leans in and kisses me on the cheek. "See ya soon."
She hops out and opens the back door to grab her suitcase. And then I follow her incredible figure with my eyes as she approaches the door. When she's inside, I pull away. I kind of regret not kissing her back, but I'll have another chance.
The drive out to my house feels lonelier than ever. But as I pull into the driveway, I see the baby bunnies hopping around with their mother in a big cluster. They aren't very coordinated yet and the sight is incredibly amusing. My mood improves instantly. They flee as I approach them with the truck, and I kind of feel bad for startling them, even though this is my driveway.
They disappear into the tall grass around my fence. I really hope that they'll come back when Ally's here tonight.
I head inside and unpack my suitcase. When that's done, I make myself a protein shake and then go for a run.
It's the perfect weather and I feel like I could jog forever. But when I think about running with Ally, it's nothing but pangs of melancholy. Something seems really off and I can't help but feel like I've made some kind of mistake beyond the obvious getting too involved thing. I don't know what it is, though.
I end up in the garage mindlessly training the hours away, seeking something to occupy my time while I wait. The hours are crawling by, and my incessant staring at the clock isn't helping.
Where is she? I wonder.
I regret telling Curtis not to come now.
As four o'clock rolls around, I start to feel really frazzled to the point that I almost wish I had refused to take Jeff in, the very thing that finalized the mending of our broken relationship, and then spent the final night alone with Ally. Anxiety is frying my brain.
And then my phone buzzes, and I run over to it like I'm rescuing a baby from a burning building.
It's Ally, thank God.
"Hey," she says. "I'm... not so sure I can make it back out. I mean, my parents are freaking out about us all being home together and my mom's just been talking incessantly. I could barely get away to call you."
"Oh." I feel like I've been stabbed, but I don't need to ruin her day too.
"And I've got some other stuff to wrap up before I get to bed. I... didn't really plan for this. I wish I could see you somehow, but it's kind of a mess."
"It's okay. Don't worry about it. Nobody expected to run into Jeff."
"Yeah." When she stops talking, I can hear kitchen commotion in the background. Chopping. The clanging of pots and pans. "My mom is making this big fancy meal. I haven't seen her so excited in years."
I feign laughter because I'm not seeing the joy in any of this. "Well, good luck with that," I say. "And good luck with everything in Boston."
"Yeah, you too, Jackson. Just... be careful for me, okay?"
"I will." I don't know if I mean it or not, but it's what I want to say to her.
"This has been really great. I mean, you helped me get through what should have been one of the toughest times in my life."
"It was an honor," I say. Memories from the last two weeks come flooding into my brain. Feelings of lust, of romance, of care, concern and comfort. They take over my brain like emotional parasites.
"We'll keep in touch, okay? I'll let you know when I'm settled back in."
"Yeah. That sounds good. Have a safe flight."
"You too," she says instinctively. "I mean, you're not flying, b-but be safe or whatever." The words come out nervously and I smile at her stumbling.
"The bunnies are doing well, by the way. I saw them hopping around."
I can hear the huge smile in her voice. "That's awesome. Send me a picture if you can get one."
"I'll try."
I stand there in silence, just listening to the dreadful hum of the air conditioner. Usually I like white noise, but today it just reminds me of being alone. "Well, it's been great, Jackson. I'll see you later."
"Same, Ally." The words taste bitter in my mouth.
Neither of us wants to hang up on the other so we're at a standstill for another minute. "Well, bye then."
"Bye," I say. I hear her end go silent. Everything is silent now, minus the dreaded air conditioner. I grab the remote and shut it off—and then I sit.
That's it.
Goodbye, Ally.
***
Ally
The family dinner goes as well as it possibly can. My dad and Jeff have some whiskey, but I abstain on account of my early flight. At the very least, I'm considerably distracted from how I feel while we eat. We talk a little bit about our respective weekends, but not much.
My mom is just so thrilled for both of us to be home at once and I can't blame her since we have a great family. I feel lucky to have them, even with the problems we sometimes have.
Jackson doesn't have anything like that anymore, and that really makes me feel awful inside when I think about it. So I try not to think about it.
I fill them all in on the details of my de
parture tomorrow and they very predictably comment that it's so early. And with that announcement—and the conclusion of dinner, of course—I go to work cleaning up my room and packing the extra clothing discoveries that I'm taking home with me.
Jeff and my dad end up watching a football game and my mom works on a sewing project. Everyone is occupied, including me.
After my room is tidied up and I answer a couple of emails, I sit down on the bed. I feel really horrible about doing this to Jackson. I mean, after everything we've been through in such a short time, the best I can do is call him and tell him goodbye over the phone. It's kind of pathetic.
I should have invited him to dinner. Why didn't I? I'm disgusted with myself for forgetting.
I wish there was something I could do. But I know that if I went to see him, I'd be there all night and barely functioning tomorrow. We didn't expect to see Jeff and the days just moved so fast that I lost track of time.
We both lost track of time. Time ran away from us.
I can't blame anyone, but that doesn't change how I feel. I really miss him. I don't know what any of this means, and I can't predict how I'm going to feel as time goes on. The thought of him getting hurt and winding up totally alone haunts me every time my mind isn't preoccupied with something else. I push it out of my head and again and again, but it grows back like a resilient weed in the crack of a sidewalk.
When all of my stuff is finally ready, I print off my boarding pass and say my goodbyes downstairs. Nobody will be awake when I leave tomorrow, so I do it now. My mom and dad are sorry to see me go, but I've got a whole life to return to.
Jeff doesn't say much when I say goodbye, but I think that's just because he doesn't want to talk about last night in front of my parents. I have no idea what he told them, nor do I have any intention of telling them the truth. He's learned his lesson, and everything is fine in their universe now.
I hope it stays that way.
Around nine, I try to go bed. I can't sleep. No matter what I do, I can't un-see Jackson's face in my mind. I can't un-hear the tone of his voice as I tell him that I can't leave the house tonight and he won't see me again. I restlessly toss and turn for what seems like hours. It probably is hours.