by Lori Wilde
“Well, all I’ve got to say is that you’ve been hanging out with the wrong people.”
“That’s the truth.” She smiled wanly.
Touch her, comfort her, his physician’s voice demanded. But he could not. His hands seemed frozen at his sides.
“We’ve got to leave soon,” Hannah said.
“Not until you’re better.”
“Did you ever get any rest?”
He waved a hand. “Don’t worry about me.”
“Did you?” she insisted.
“I dozed maybe an hour.”
“Liar. That’s your third lie of the day. Keep it up and you’re going to give Pinnochio a run for his money.”
Ignoring his fear over touching her again, Tyler helped her out to the car. His heart swooped with the rich sadness he’d been seeking to avoid and he swallowed hard against the pain. They hadn’t driven ten miles down the road when Hannah fell asleep again. Tyler gazed over at her. Had it only been a few short hours since they had almost made love? He blew out his breath, relieved to discover his panic had disappeared and he was once more committed to seeing this through to the end, no matter what happened.
Healing little Angie had taken a lot out of Hannah. She was more drained than when she had cured his cut. His cut had been a fairly minor wound, however, while Angie’s meningitis had been life-threatening.
Did the ebbing of Hannah’s energy directly correspond to the extent of the disease process she healed? Would curing say, a massive heart attack take more out of her than treating a hangnail? Or was her waning endurance progressive? So that the more she healed, the weaker she would become, no matter what the illness?
There was no way to know for sure unless she kept healing people. Tyler could not allow that to happen. But how could he prevent it? For instance, what if Hannah inadvertently shook hands with someone who had cancer? What then?
Fine. He would run interference. Keep her out of a crowd and away from everyone.
And if another Will Henry comes knocking on the door?
What if the word somehow got out about her abilities? What if people with every ailment under the sun came looking for her, seeking a miracle cure? She would be bombarded, chased, harassed. Worst of all, she would be unable to refuse.
Tyler stared at the road stretching before them, realizing there was no way he could protect her. Just as he had been unable to protect Yvette. All his years of medical training and experience were completely useless.
Reaching over, he trailed a finger across her arm and breathed in her heavenly aroma. He had to be proactive. Had to do something.
But what?
He had to think rationally, objectively, ignoring all feelings, all crazy impulses. He had to think like a man of science. If he detached from her emotionally, he would make better decisions. He could prevent his fears from governing his actions.
Hannah’s situation was not only far beyond his expertise, but beyond that of any doctor he knew. They were treading new ground, stepping about in a brave new world without a road map. How did he even begin to develop a cure for what was ailing her?
He mulled the question over in his mind. Before he could proceed he had to know what her lab values were like.
Except Hannah had refused to have her blood tested at a hospital.
Hannah doesn’t always act in her own best interest, Tyler. It’s up to you. You’re driving the car and she’s so tired she probably wouldn’t even notice you’d taken a detour until it was too late.
The thought was enticing. Take Hannah to a medical facility. Where?
The Dallas–Fort Worth Metroplex was about two hundred miles east. Out of their way for sure but Tyler knew an excellent hematologist who had an office in the area. It was dishonest to change plans without Hannah’s permission but once he got her there, Tyler had confidence he could make her see things his way.
He simply had to do something.
Because he could not live with himself if he didn’t try.
Oblivious to his underhanded tactic, Hannah slept on as Tyler turned the car east toward Dallas–Fort Worth.
How would Hannah react when she discovered that he had betrayed her?
Tyler grimaced and mentally sought to defend himself. He wasn’t betraying her. Taking her to see the hematologist in Dallas was for her own good. Eventually, she’d see things his way. He was sure of it.
Oh, yeah? Remember what happened with Yvette? Admit the truth for once. She didn’t tell you about her cancer for so long because she knew exactly what you would do.
Licking his dry lips, Tyler’s mind jettisoned to the past. He recalled his anger with his wife when she’d finally told him she had cancer. He’d felt so dishonored. Why had she kept her illness a secret from him? Why hadn’t she trusted him with the most important event in her life?
Yvette, always the peacemaker, had tried to smooth it over, telling him she’d remained silent because he was completing his medical training and she hadn’t wanted to worry him. It was partially true and the excuse had appeased him.
On the surface.
But something inside him had died. He and Yvette weren’t as close as he’d believed. She’d carried a great burden, stoically, silently. And once he found out about it, he’d taken over her care, practically forcing her to have chemotherapy when they both knew it was futile. But he was a man of science and had put little stock in faith.
Before telling him about the cancer, Yvette had handled it her own way. Through alternative medicines, prayer, massage therapy, and while those things had not extracted a cure, she had been peaceful.
Tyler had changed all that. He’d taken her to M. D. Anderson Cancer Center and hired the biggest guns in oncology. She’d been poked and prodded and filled with chemicals. She’d vomited and cried. Her hair had fallen out. But Tyler had had his battle with death.
And lost big.
On her deathbed, Yvette had confessed the truth. She hadn’t told Tyler about the cancer because she knew what he would do and she had wanted to die in peace.
He had wrest control of his wife’s disease away from her. He’d taken over. For her own good, of course. Or that’s what he’d told himself. Had it really been for Yvette’s own good? Or had he persuaded her to endure chemotherapy to assuage his own fears and sense of helplessness?
Tyler gulped as the realization hit him.
In taking Hannah to Dallas was he committing the same mistake he had with Yvette? He had to turn around.
“Tyler?” Hannah sat up and blinking, peered out the window. “Where are we?” she frowned.
Uh-oh. This was the moment he’d dreaded since making his decision.
“We’re just east of Ranger.”
“Texas?” She yawned. Her hair was rumpled and there were creases on her cheek from where she’d lain against the seat’s upholstery. She looked, incredibly endearing to him. “Shouldn’t we be in New Mexico by now? And where is Ranger, anyway?”
Tyler took a deep breath and keep his gaze firmly fixed on the road. “It’s halfway between Abilene and Dallas.”
“Excuse me?”
He heard the confusion in her voice as she processed what he had told her. Guilt lay like a rock in his belly.
“Hannah,” he said, “I made a big mistake.”
“I don’t understand. Did you take a wrong turn?”
He chanced a glance at her. “No.”
Her face was expressionless, as if she had shut off all emotions, her mouth pressed into a thin, hard line. Gone was the sleepy young woman and in her place was a sharp-edged scientist. “Are you telling me you changed our destination without consulting me?”
“It’s not what you think.”
“How do you know what I’m thinking?”
“You’re right. I don’t know what you’re thinking. Would you like to tell me?”
“Are you working for Daycon?” she demanded. “What’s he paying you?”
“Come on, Hannah. How can you ask me that with a str
aight face?”
“What am I suppose to think? You change our course behind my back. You deceived me and for what?”
“Calm down.”
“Oh, I’m quite calm,” she said but her voice dripped fury.
“Listen, I have a friend in Dallas who’s a hematologist. I’m taking you there for a complete examination.”
“I told you. No hospitals. Is this the way you take no for an answer, Dr. Fresno?”
He’d never seen her angry. Her eyes spit fire, her jaw was clenched, her arms wrapped tightly around her chest.
“I did it because I was worried about you.”
“Be honest,” she snapped. “You did it because you like to be boss. You have to be in charge.”
“That’s not true.”
“Then why did you disobey my wishes? This is happening to me, dammit. Not you.”
“I don’t want you to die.”
“For your information, the longer it takes me to get to Marcus, the closer I may come to death. By taking us on this wild-goose chase you’ve wasted precious time.” Her words rang in the dead silence that followed her declaration.
“It was a mistake. I admit it.”
Hannah shook with rage and her voice quivered. “Is that all you have to say for yourself?”
“I’m truly sorry.”
She swiveled her head away from him and peered out the window at the dreary yellowed landscape beyond. He slowed the car and headed for the median.
“See. I’m turning around.”
“I think maybe you better take me someplace were I can rent a car of my own,” she said.
“You’re not serious.”
“Oh, deadly serious.”
“Hannah, you can’t do this alone.”
“And I can’t do this with a companion who defies my wishes,” she replied.
“Think this through. I made a mistake, yes, and I’m sorry. But you do need me. You said Daycon’s men are ruthless. What happens if you run up against them alone?”
He reached over and touched her melded hands. “Look at me,” he urged. “Please.”
“I’ll stay with you, but from now on, I’m completely in charge of my own care. If you do anything else to betray my trust, I’m leaving you flat. Is that clear?”
“Crystal,” he said and goosed the car faster down the road, headed once more for New Mexico.
Chapter 10
They arrived in Santa Fe sometime after midnight the morning after Hannah had healed Angie Henry. Hannah’s strength had slowly been restored and along with it, her sense of urgency. She sat in the passenger seat beside Tyler, her body tuned tight as guitar strings. The tension between them was wearing on her. She wanted to forgive him. He had, after all, only been thinking of her health, but she was afraid to let go of her indignation. If she released her anger, she would be forced to confront the other emotions lurking inside her and she simply wasn’t prepared to do that.
Disengaging from her emotions came easily to her. Examining them was what she found difficult. She told herself that she didn’t need Tyler. Not really. But the lie was so blatantly desperate she couldn’t kid even herself.
And she hated that she did need him so badly. That’s what kept her staring silently out the window at the frosty landscape, arms folded stoically across her chest.
“Shouldn’t we stop for the night?” Tyler said. “And save finding Marcus for the dawn?”
“No.” Taos was only thirty miles away. She couldn’t stop now, not when they were so close. “Keep driving.”
Tyler did not argue but guided the car through the quaint town’s empty main streets. Hannah peered out the window at the snowcapped mountains rising up in the darkness. The scenery was so different from the barren landscape they had left behind.
Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
Tyler’s sneakiness had put them behind and she felt as if she would never catch up. The same anxiety had pushed her forward on the day that she’d discovered Daycon’s fax.
“Drive faster.”
“Hannah, the road is dark and there are icy patches. I’m not going over the speed limit.” Tyler spoke calmly, the voice of rationality.
It’s what she needed to hear, but Hannah responded petulantly, lashing out at him, displacing her fear. “Just whose life is at stake? Mine or yours?”
He deflected her anger with a smile. Reaching over, he rested a hand on her thigh. “I know you’re scared.”
“You don’t know anything about me,” she said coldly and immediately regretted it.
She wanted to ask him to forgive her. To tell him she was sorry, but something inside her reverted to childhood and she did not know why. She had a deeply ingrained habit—one born of the type of work she performed—of detaching from her feelings in order to observe. She was a watcher, an observer, a witness to events but not a participant. She had always kept people at arm’s length, and Tyler had already transgressed against her once. Life was safer when you didn’t place your security in the hands of another. She might need him to help her reach her physical goals but she did not want or need his comfort. She had survived for thirty-two years without him.
Survived, yes, but that was all.
“If it makes you feel better to rake me over the coals, then go at it. I’m not going to abandon you.”
Then Hannah realized what she was really afraid of.
The warmth of his hand seeped through her blue jeans, caused her skin to tingle. Whenever they touched she never failed to feel that enigmatic heat that always increased her stamina. What was it?
Affection?
Or something more?
Why was she so terrified of being hurt?
Because the idea of being helpless, useless, incapable made her mouth go dry and her heart race. She feared losing control more than she feared anything.
Briefly, Hannah closed her eyes, as memories of the past flitted through her mind.
“Don’t ever fall in love, Hannah,” her mother had told her on more than one occasion. “It will only cause you pain.”
“Don’t you love Dad?” she had asked.
Even now, Hannah remembered the faraway look in her mother’s eyes. A longing look of something lost forever. “I respect your father and admire him a great deal. And, yes, I love him. But with a controlled, rational kind of love. What I want you to avoid is that messy rush of chemicals so many people call love but is actually just lust.”
Hannah had never understood what her mother was talking about. Messy rush of chemicals? She looked over at Tyler and in that moment she grasped the obscure meaning of her mother’s admonitions. Her mother had been in love with someone else once. Either before her father or during the time they were married, and the affair must have ended badly. How else to explain her mother’s opinion on love?
No Cinderella. No Prince Charming. No soul mate. No happily-ever-after.
“Talk to me, Hannah,” he soothed. “Tell me what’s going on inside that complicated head of yours.”
She shrugged. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Don’t shut me out.”
“I’m not.”
He snorted. “Woman, you couldn’t be farther away from me right now if you were holed up in a lead bunker in Siberia.”
“You exaggerate.”
“And you don’t trust me.”
She notched her chin up. “Why should I?”
“Why shouldn’t you?”
“You betrayed me by trying to take me to a hospital.”
“I made a mistake. I apologized. I did not betray you.” His nostrils flared and he gripped the steering wheel tighter. “Dammit, Hannah. Look at everything I’ve given up to help you. Isn’t that proof enough I’m on your side?”
“Nobody asked you to help.”
“You’re right. I did it of my own free will. So if you want to stay clammed up, then fine with me.” He smacked the dashboard with his fist.
She’d really hurt his pride. Hannah swallowed. He was right. H
e had given to her unselfishly. She was the one building the walls.
Just talk to him.
“I’m afraid,” she whispered at last. “Afraid Marcus won’t be there or, worse, he’ll be dead. I’m afraid we won’t be able to find the copy of the formula I e-mailed him and that all my work will have been for naught. I’m afraid this healing power transferred to me by Virusall is going to kill me. I’m afraid that Lionel Daycon and his cohort in the CIA will do something drastic.” She drew in a deep breath and met his eyes. “But none of those things are what I fear most.”
“No?” His voice was soft. He took his eyes off the road only briefly but, when he met her gaze, invisible sparks arched between them. “What scares you most?”
“You.”
“You’re scared of me?”
Unlike most women, Hannah avoided talking about her feelings. Emotions were, well, emotional. They didn’t mean anything, really. Feelings had no place in a scientific mind. They only caused problems, introduced clutter and self-doubt. It was difficult for her to say what she said next.
“I’m scared for you. Terrified I’ve placed you in jeopardy right along with me. You don’t deserve that, Tyler.”
“You let me worry about me, okay?” He reached over and gently stroked his index finger along her cheek. She did not pull back.
They drove on into the night. The mountain rose closer and the air thinned as they approached Taos. The growth of pines thickened, the snow covering the ground grew deeper. She shivered and hugged her thin coat around her shoulders. Without a word, Tyler leaned over and turned the heater up a notch.
He was so solicitous of her needs. So caring. She wasn’t sure how she felt about it. On one hand, she had never been treated so courteously. On the other, his concern was a little too intimate. A little too possessive. Why did she perceive his attention as restriction? What was the matter with her? Any number of women would be overjoyed to have a handsome man devoted to meeting their needs.
Hannah remembered her one and only lover. He had been a brilliant boy from her graduate school chemistry class who had taken her virginity in the back seat of his car. A Volvo, she recalled. Silver. With cloth seats. The seatbelt had kept stabbing her in the back during the entire passionless process. After it was over, feeling completely empty inside, she had calmly gotten dressed and asked him to take her home. When he had tried to kiss her again, she had turned away.